A while ago I posted a snippet called ‘Operation Golden Flow’ about piss tests and exactly just how I’d felt about ‘em… So as recently as a few months ago the ‘Navy Times’ posted an article stating that the good ol’ SECNAV is planning on introducing the breathalyzer to the fine young men and women of the US ‘Canoe Club’… ain’t that a bunch a hooey!!!
It defies the whole point of why young men join the ‘Canoe Club’ in the first place… It’s not just a job… but where’s the sense of adventure?!?
Not too many moons ago we ‘Crackerjacks’ congregated in some of the best gin mills around the world!! They had great names… The Red Onion, El Caminos, Moose McGillicuttys', Tremors, Shenanigans, Jose Murphy’s, Bull and Bear Pub, Sticky Wicket, … and of course I can’t forget to mention Club Metro, San Diego Sports Bar, Cankers and Sores, Trophy Lounge and the infamous ‘Pink Panther’ in Phuket or ‘Caligula’s’ in Pattaya Beach Thailand!! But if you want to go there we could also talk about all the bars on Magsaysay in Olongapo… but I don’t want to write a novel here so we’ll stick to the simple subject… These were anything from dingy hole in the wall joints to pick up stations for the local one night stands… ‘like a sore dick… they just couldn’t be beat!!’
Sometimes it’d be a challenge to find the trashiest & cheapest joint to drink beer and get ‘Flammered’! We’d toss down stuff like ‘Tiger Beer’ that tasted more like Tiger Piss!! Then we’d sit around discussing women’s boob sizes and tell semi-coherent jokes until we laughed so gaudamned hard beer would spew outta’ our noses!!!
There was nothing like a bunch’a bleary eyed sons-a-bitches heading back to the ship ripping three sheets to the wind and pee’n in the street!!!
“I gotta piss so damn bad it feels like I’m gonna give birth to a urine child!”
“I guess your well overdue for a piss call!!”
Then while piss’n away in the alley…
“Hey look… I’m Zorro… oh nevermind… that’s an eight… oops I dribbled down my leg!”
“My liver’s so shot I’m gonna have to go to the hospitipal and get on the liver waiting list!!”
“Haha… when we get home I’m gonna get me a dog and name it liver so I can abuse it!!”
Yes the shit we do and say when we’re soberly challenged!!!
At the ‘Fleet Landing’ a flask of the finest spirits being passed about while telling tall tales of the Suzie Wong Red Light district in wait of the liberty boat coming inbound … That’s what it was all about… ever wonder if one of them dollar bills in your back pocket was stuck in one of them Go-Go girls butt cracks?!? Aaaah… memories so long ago but so vivid like they just happened yesterday!! I can still remember waking up once with my head buried in a trash can… finding sharpy writing pointing toward my ass crack on my lower back…
“For a good time enter here!”
Took a couple of days for that to wear off… and a couple of months to live it down!! But it always made you as anxious as a little kid on Christmas Morning… to get ready for the next Liberty Port!!!
We’d pull into exotic banana booby seaports only seen in ‘National Geographic’ where the only passport to freedom was a pocket full of cash and a Military issued I.D. Card…
“I can't wait to toss down some suds and get wrapped around some big tittied local girl who don’t know any better!”
“Yeah, but if you pick one up around here she could probably suck start a Chevy Truck! Lord knows if you kiss her you might as well be sucking off the whole gaudamned fleet!”
“Hey, sometimes your drunk… with beer goggles on… and that my friend… is not love!!”
Then Chief would step in…
“Boys… try to be weary of the Bearded Clam on the half skivvy... and grab one of them ‘goodyears’ dock leaves on the Quarterdeck… I’m sure he doesn’t wanna be staring down your piss holes on the way out of port!!”
Because back in those days Chief wasn’t afraid to tell you how it was… we took care of our own! Didn’t have to worry about gett’n kicked out for an alcohol related incident less you pissed yourself in the gutter every time we pulled into port!! We could figure out the ones who couldn’t hack it… it wasn’t rocket science!!!
Nowadays they’ve taken away the ability to keep everything within the ‘lifelines’ of the ship… Too gaudamned many ‘Dudley Doorites’ enforcing policy!!!
As a Chief I once had to tell a young’n something of the effect…
And if you tried the next morning to play Limp Dick and Lazy… There was a reason the Chief used to say…
“If you’re gonna hoot with the owls at night… be prepared to soar with the eagles in the morn’n!”
After all… there was noth’n like the Section Leader having you knuckle bust’n bilges and standing ‘Drunk Watches’ at ‘O’ dark thirty the next evening!! It usually took nothing more than a steel toe boondocker in the ass and a promise you’d be stuck mess cranking ‘til hell freezes over if you didn’t get your shit together!!!
I don’t know… for better or for worse it is what it is… but as long as there are American ‘Crackerjacks’ roaming the seven seas… there will always be a market for sexy women and Piss brand beer!!!
Next on the list… the polygraph tests and ‘Spanish Inquisition’ type purification programs… kind’a make us all Leave it to Beaver types…
“Golly gee Wally… I’d never look at nekkit gurlie magazines or drink anything that smells like turpentine!!”
I’ve got visions of Stanley Kubrick’s Clockwork Orange coming on…