Monday, June 30, 2014

‘SEABEES’



Three ladies were talking one day. One says...

"I got stung by a honey bee and my whole hand swelled up!"

The second lady says...

"I got stung by a bumble bee and my whole arm swole up!"

The third one says...

"Thats nothing, I once got stung by a Seabee and my whole belly swole up!!!"

Saturday, June 21, 2014

'Bigger The Rank ... Bigger The Curve'

I remember my years on the Chucky ‘V’ there was a running joke about ‘The Penile Curve’…

…“The bigger the rank, the bigger the curve!”

This was to signify just how big a prick one could be the further up the Chain of Command one had climbed!!!

 That was before women were allowed on combat ships! Today a codpiece would be much more fitting all around! The bigger the rank, the bigger the codpiece… to better make the point!! Throw in a Sailor Jerry Tattoo to give it that douche’ Ed Hardy brandish look!!  I’d imagine a "Born to Die Hard" logo would fit nicely!!!

Don't miscalculate the value of such an approach in today’s fashion show Navy! They can be more than fashion statements… no, just ad a zipper for the Admiral so he could keep his trusty tools and tackle as might be suitable in his haste of need… a few extra medals, his cell phone, car keys… a bridge to bridge radio so he can keep up with the various Commodores and Captains he’s associated with!! Though keep it off channel – 16… the Filipino Monkey could be quite an embarrassment...

" I got Big Banana for All you Girl when you get Inport!"

The more I contemplate, the better it seems! We might include a smoke-generator in case of the need for Engineering Drills!! I figure the bewilderment alone would paralyze the hardiest of crews!! How about a packet of shark repellant in case he fell over the side!! Or a compartment for cigars…  kinda  like a purse for guys!!!


Friday, June 20, 2014

'The Admiral's Daughter'


 An admiral says to his daughter…

“Darling if you ever marry a sailor, promise me you won't do it the other way!”

She says…

 “Yes daddy!”

… not really knowing what he meant…

As time goes by and she is about to marry a sailor, the father says…

“Darling, you will promise me that you will not do it the other  way?”

“Yes daddy…”

She says, again not knowing what he meant.  Six months later, whilst the sex was fantastic, she turns to her husband in bed and says…

Honey, do you think we could do it the other way?”


“What?!?

… He replies…

“… and risk having babies?!?


Wednesday, June 18, 2014

'Still Eluded By The Infamous Donkey Show'



Where’s the Donkey Show… Can you point me in the right direction     Por Favor?!?

Monday, June 16, 2014

‘Dear Peter Pan’


Dear Peter Pan Peanut Butter Manufactures…

I am currently out to sea floating around in circles defending the American Way of Life. I am serving in the United States Navy upon an Oiler home ported out of Norfolk, VA.  The reason I am writing you this letter is three fold…

1.  I am bored…

2.  I’m hoping you’ll send me lots of free stuff…

3.  To let you know how your peanut butter is responsible for saving the lives of many, including me!!!

We are usually out to sea Monday thru Friday! We try to get home one or two weekends a month!! All those stories you hear about how good Navy Chow is are a pack of lies!!!

I have been on active duty for 17 years and the motto has always been ‘the Navy’s Cooks are Death from Within’…

They do their damnedest to try and live up to that motto! I’m telling you, if this were prison instead of a mighty warship… I would start begging for the lethal injection!!!

All the jobs in the Navy are passed out by aptitude tests! If you are too stupid to chip paint, you get to be a Navy Cook!! An example of our menu items…

·         Hamburgers… Hard as Fuck and commonly used as a hockey puck… generally known as sliders…
·         French Fries… still frozen in the middle and often referred to as lady fingers…
·         Fish Heads in Orange Hollandaise Sauce… at least I think it’s Hollandaise Sauce… who the fuck knows…
·         Pancakes that double as tire repair kits…
·         Chili with no chili powder in it… but loaded with Pete’s Hot Sauce… Guaranteed to give you an ulcer…
·         AND Kool-Aid or as they call it Bug Juice… What the fuck… What kind of idiot fucks up Kool-Aid?!? There is usually not enough water or sugar mixed in and it usually takes a gauddamned day or two for your mouth to unpucker enough to fit a cigarette between your lips…
·         But if we’re lucky… we might have a jar of Peter Pan Peanut Butter – Extra Crunchy! Put some of this on a World War II era chewy stale saltine cracker and you would swear that you just sat down for dinner at a five star restaurant!!!

It’s been said numerous times upon my mighty Warship that Peter Pan deserves some kind of medal! I agree!! He is the best cook we have on board!! As long as we have Peter Pan Peanut Butter available… that means I don’t have to catch me a seagull and bite it’s head off to maintain the strength necessary to defend the free world!!!

Your Hunts Ketchup helps as well… as everything we eat gets covered in ketchup! Hell, some of us even eat ketchup sandwiches!! Dog Turds are even palatable when covered by enough ketchup!! Dog Turds would be a welcome break from what they are trying to feed us for lunch!!!

So keep making that Peanut Butter! Keep selling it to the Navy… and be proud of the patriotic duty that you are doing for your country!! Keeping the Men and Women of the World’s Greatest Navy from starving to death!!!

God Bless Peter Pan
Seaman First Class Joe…

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

‘Olongapo bar’



A poem I picked up from another Blog by a Shippy who goes by Blind Dog!!!

ship of gray, morning haze
been at sea thirty days
endless horizon, oceans blue
much like jail, been there too
docked in port, ready to go
my favorite bar in Olongapo
moody music, dim lights
lonely sailors, dress whites
local girls, working nights
sexy skirts starting fights
drunken men on the floor
money gone, out the door
had duty, skipped my watch
in the bar drinking scotch
drank too much, on the deck
shore patrol, what the heck
locked me in, stinking jail
damn marines, what the hell
captain’s mast, anchors aweigh
lost my rank, lost my pay
I’ll be back another day

-Blind Dog



Friday, June 6, 2014

'The Ship Wrecked Barrel'


One morning the shipwrecked sailor noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since his ship sank six months earlier.

As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel! He very soon thereafter realized that hanging on to the barrel was a very scantily clad woman!! In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen!!!

Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked toward the sailor… she whispered into his ear…

 “I have something you want!”

The sailor broke into a run towards to breaking waves yelling…

“Don't tell me you've got beer in that there barrel!!”

Monday, June 2, 2014

‘Nelson At Trafalgar… And What’s Wrong With The World Today’


Nelson: Order the signal, Hardy..”

Hardy: Aye, Aye Sir!”

Nelson: “Hold on, this isn’t what I dictated to Flags… What’s the meaning of this?”

Hardy: Sorry Sir?”

Nelson: …(reading aloud)… “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability… What gobbled gook is this for God’s Sake?”  

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid Sir… We’re an equ7al opportunity employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ pas the censors, lest it be considered racist..”

Nelson: “Gadzooks… Hardy! Hand me my pipe and tobacco!”

Hardy: “Sorry Sir… All naval vessels have now been designated smoke free working environments!”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration… Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle!”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking!”

Nelson: “Good Heavens Hardy… I suppose we’d better get on with it full speed ahead!”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, Sir.”

Nelson: “Damn It Man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history… We must advance with all dispatch! Report from the crow’s nest, please…”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible Sir!”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, Sir… No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected!”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy!”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral!”

Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd!”

Hardy: “Health and Safety again Sir… We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled!”

Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse to even hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card!”

Hardy: “Actually Sir, you did! The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail… The salt spray beckons!”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too Sir! Health and Safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt… haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy… Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy!”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral!”

Nelson: “What?!? This is mutiny!”

Hardy: “It’s not that Sir… It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks!!!”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually, jSir, we’re not!”

Nelson: “We’re Not?!?”

Hardy: “No Sir… The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation lawsuit!”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity coordinator hear you saying that Sir… You’ll be up on disciplinary report!”

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.”

Hardy: “Not anymore Sir! We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar Vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life!”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me… Health and Safety… What ever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?!?”

Hardy: “As I explained, Sir… rum is off the menu and there’s a ban on corporal punishment!”

Nelson: “What about Sodomy?”

Hardy: “I believe that is now legal Sir…”

Nelson: “In that case… KISS ME HARDY!!!”


Compliments To... Exeter Flotilla (Of The Royal British Navy)