"The Case of The Inflatable Infected Doll"

The case of the gonorrhea-giving inflatable doll 

(a.k.a. the worst medical mystery ever)

Doctors are often confronted with less-than-savory aspects of the human condition. In the following medical paper, two doctors must solve the enigma of two sailors, one inflatable doll, and a communal case of the clap.

This mystery is plumbed in Ellen Kleist and Harald Moi's Ig Nobel Prize-winning paper ("Transmission of Gonorrhea Through an Inflatable Doll") from a 1996 volume of Genitourinary Medicine (NCBI). In this brief study, the authors recount the mystery of a sailor who had picked up gonorrhea at sea:

The skipper from a trawler, who had been 3 months at sea, sought advice for urethral discharge. His symptoms had lasted for two weeks. A urethral smear showed typical intracellular gram-negative diplococci, and a culture was positive for N gonorrhoeae. There had been no woman onboard the trawler; he denied homosexual contacts; and there was no doubt that the onset of the symptoms was more than two months after leaving the port.

With some hesitation, he told the story. A few days before onset of his symptoms, he had roused the engineer in his cabin during the night because of engine trouble. After the engineer had left his cabin, the skipper found an inflatable doll with artificial vagina in his bed, and he was tempted to have "intercourse" with the doll. His complaints started a few days after this episode. The engineer was examined, and was found to have gonorrhoea. He had observed a mild urethral discharge since they left port, but he had not been treated with antibiotics. He admitted to having ejaculated into the "vagina" of the doll just before the skipper called him, without washing the doll afterwards.

So there you have it. Medical proof that sneaking into an acquaintance's chamber and having unprotected sex with his or her inflatable sex doll is downright not advisable — this goes double for sailors. I hope you've all learned an important lesson today.

Ship's Wheel

An ol’ Salt walked into a bar with a ship's wheel stuffed into the front of his pants.

Bartender says…

 "Isn't that uncomfortable?"

To which the Ol’ Salt says…

"Aye... it's driving me nuts!!!"

Ol’ Chiefs Are Honorable

 

One day, while an Ol’ Navy Chief was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked...

“Why are you crying?”

The Ol’ Chief replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The Ol’ Chief replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

“Is this your axe?” the lord asked.

Again the Ol’ Chief replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The Ol’ Chief replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the Ol’ Chief’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the Ol’ Chief went went on his merry way happy.

Sometime later the Ol’ Chief was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him...

“Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

“Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the Ol’ Chief.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The Ol’ Chief replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Angelina Jolie, you would have come up with Cameron Diaz. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am poor old seagoing Master Chief, and am not able to take care of all three wives in a way that they should be, so that’s why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a Navy Chief lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others...  That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

THE WINE TASTER

 

A sign was posted at the entrance to a wine merchant's warehouse building...

"EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED"

"POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY"

 

A retired ole’ Navy Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look and smelling of last night's rounds, strolled by the building and saw the sign. He went into the building to apply for the position.

Aghast at his appearance, the director wondered how to send him away but, to be fair, he gave him a glass of wine to taste.

The old Chief held the glass up to his left eye, tilted his head toward incoming sunlight and studied the contents looking through the glass. He then took a sip and said, "It's a Southern California Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Somewhat low-grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss. Glancing at his blonde assistant he said..."Another one, please."

The Chief took the goblet, full of a deep red liquid, stuck his nose into the glass, sniffed deeply and took a long slow sip....rolling his eyeballs in a circle, he then looked at the director and said..."It's a cabernet sauvignon, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass." said the director.

Receiving another glass, again, the Chief eyed the crystal, took in a little bit of the aroma and sipped very softly....''It's a pinot blanc champagne, very high grade and exclusive,'' said the drunk calmly.

The director was astonished and winked at his young assistant to suggest something.

She left the room and came back in with a wine glass half-full of urine.

The old Navy Chief eyed it suspiciously...the color he could not quite recall. He took a sniff, touched it to his tongue, held it over a candle then up to the light, then closed his eyes and said, ...

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job,

............ I'll name the father."

 

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE TALENTS OF A NAVY CHIEF PETTY OFFICER....

Big Daddy Roth... Navy Style!!!

'Seamen'

 

'You Said it Honey!'

Funny Condom Slogans

 

Cover your stump before you hump.

It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.

Don’t be silly, protect your willy.

Don't be a prick, Cover your dick

When in doubt, shroud your spout.

Cover your skin, Before you break her in.

Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.

You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.

If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

Wrap it before you Tap it

Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

The right selection! Protect your erection.

Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

Don’t make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

Bag it before you tag it!

If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

No glove, No love.

Don’t be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis

A crank with armor, will never harm her

If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye

Even If she's eager, protect her beaver

Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink

Cloak the joker before you poke her

Encase that torch before you paint her porch

Don't surprise her plug your Geyser

Cover that lumber before you pump her

Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle

She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle

Cage that snake then shake and bake

Cover your peter it will be much neater
Put on the sling before you get some bling!

‘Sea Monsters?’

Okay…. So what do sea monsters have for dinner… Fish and ships?!? Hell, after Twenty-Three years in the Deep Blue… I ain’t seen noth’n like the Kraken or any other Horrifying Leviathan Denison of the Deep! Never ran across the mighty Architeuthis Squid of ‘Nemo’s Twenty-One Leagues under the Sea’!!

 

Like going back to the days of Ahab and the White Whale, I once had a Moby Dick kinda moment with a whale that came up in front of the forecastle about twenty feet directly below me… more like Moby Dick’s daddy… Poppa Boner! Scared the Bejeeezuz outta me… Damned near pissed my pants!!!

Then there was the time I was snorkeling in the tropics and about got my hand bitten off by a yellow eel!! Reach’n inside a crevice look’n for some lobster when something grabbed my damned arm!! I pulled it out and attached to my wrist was this huge eel… with dagger like teeth… and evil red eyes!! Blood was clouding the water everywhere!! I thought he’d taken my whole gaudamned arm off bubbl’n up to the surface scream’n and holler’n… everybody laugh’n at me!! Just a flesh wound, but I think I’d about shit myself under water!!!

And once I’d seen a big ol’ Shark trailing the fan tail while dump’n garbage!  He had big sharp teeth… wicked teeth!! He was hungry and could eat you… staring at me with those cold dark eyes and the gaping mouth full of meanness… By God I swear!!  Could you imagine going over with the garbage?!?

Man-eating sharks… Mobius Titanicus Whales… Sea Serpent EELs?!? No… those weren’t the real Sea Monsters! The real Sea Monsters were all too real… like the crusty ol’ Chiefs in the Goat Locker!!!

“There’s no gaudamned question about it… sailors belong on ships and ships belong at sea!”

 These were Old Time Navy hard-ass sons-a-bitches from the days of Noah’s Ark... I've still got the teeth marks seared into my ass to prove it!

 "Anyone seen my right boot... I need to stick it up Seaman Smelly’s ass so he can taste the leather on my toes when they’re tickl’n his gaudamned tonsils!!”

 Chiefs had tempers of volcanic proportions... Early morning Quarters the first thing outta the Chief’s mouth…

 "What is this… a social goat fuck? Form the fuck up you ugly bastards!”

 Yeah, they should’a had their mouth’s washed with soap... true experts in the enterprise of descriptive four letter words their mothers would never have endorsed!!!

When a ‘Grumpy ol’ Chief is pissed off… the judiciously safe distance of well-being would be several Zip Codes from where he’s currently standing...

 Then there was the Navy issued asses! There is noth’n uglier than a Sea Monster with the exception of some of those women on Navy ships... they'd definitely fit the description!! Some of those gals were ugly as could be… kinda like Ursula from ‘The Little Mermaid’ with the big ol’ hips… giant teeth… and tentacles for legs!! I shit you not… my shipmates can attest to it!! Just ask’em!! So ugly they’d need a medical waiver just to get married!!

 But months underway and noth’n but the hand and some jergens keep’n you company… the ones on land… civilian types out in town… those kind’a ladies sometimes put the women on ships to shame!! A good Chief would always tell ya…

 “If she lives around these parts, she could probably suck start a Cummings Engine. Lord knows she's had plenty of practice. Just don't kiss her... you'll be making out with the whole gaudamned fleet!”

 Hell, when my shipmates caught wind of my ‘Lola’ moment (an earlier story) I kept hearing ‘Public Service Announcements….

 "You know what they say about women who have large feet don’t ya?”… “They got big penises!”

 With a fixed need for a cold beer and some feminine companionship... a lot of them gals would otherwise be real eye sores… but to a female-deprived Barnacle Bill style Crackerjack just moments after liberty call and some strong suds down his gullet… they were temporary Goddesses!!! Oh my ain’t it funny how the contemplation of horizontal refreshment and exuberant amount of libations can turn on the ol’ Beer Goggles?!?

“I'm just say’n these guys still got their ‘Deployment Goggles’ on and now they wanna double up with ‘Beer Goggles’? Someone is gonna make one hell of a friend tonight… and sure as shit gonna regret in the morning."

 The longer one goes without companionship of the feminine type the better the odds can reduce one to the state of temptation at cross pollinating with a female King Kong type gorilla just minutes after being released across the brow…

 “Hey… Have you ever seen Gorillas in the Mist?”

“Yeah, I've seen your new girlfriend in the shower!”

 The only defining measure of good judgement at this point is that she walks upright and has most of her teeth left and over Ninety but under Three Hundred pounds… so long as her body odor ain’t noticeable! Yes… weeks of turn’n circles in the deep blue can make an Iguana look like a beauty queen!! You know they say that sticking around at late night taverns ‘til last call accounts for at least sixty percent of regrettable hookups. I remember one bigg’n I regretted in the morning! This had been the biggest one yet...." swear it took two hours to bring her in when I harpooned Her!! Why else was I hang’n around for last call?!?

 “Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuckity fuckity fucking fuck mother of fuck. Why the fuck did you put your dick in that you piece of shit?”

 You know when she’s asleep on your arm the next morning and you’d chew it off to keep from waking her or after sobering up you scrub it with rubb’n alcohol and acetone while contemplating in the act of cutt’n it off because you were soooo ashamed… Yep, I’ve been there!!!

That long lost search for a soft sweet-smelling bed partner even leads to possible homicidal situations between friends… as Jeff Caldwell could probably attest after leav’n us at a late night diner with some old Sea Hag he was gonna hook up with!! That was until the coffee kicked in and he realized what he was gett’n into!! Her grill was about as fucked up as dyslexic alphabet soup and her breath was kicking like a kung fu movie.

 Jeff… That was about as wrong as two boys screw’n in a preachers office!

 Then you got the fellas who purposely go for fat chicks… yes some fellas do it just for sport! I’m talking about the age ol’ practice of going hogg’n…

 “Son what do you mean you don’t like hogg’n… If you don't like bacon the terrorists win!”

 “Yeah man… You haven't snuggled till you've shared a twin size with a fat chick!"

 It’s taken for granted that us ‘Crackerjacks are a bunch’a gaudamned horny bastards. We’d been known to go horizontal with anything with a hole and two tits and tell tall tales about how we’d bedded Miss America the night before... Let’s face it, the male appetite for volatile torpedoes and bearded clams is unquenchable. After all… a bit of booze makes everyone a little easier on the eyes!! I’d been known to have the ability to screw what looks like it should be on the endangered species list… you’d heard of the Bremelos… we’d also discovered the Silverdactiles and Port-a-potimus of the Great Northwest!! 

 

Though you can pretty much find similar species everywhere… And don’t think you fellas are all that pretty yourselves… ‘Old Spice’ and crisp uniforms won’t hide everything… cause ugly is ugly, ain’t no two ways about!! But hell... even the ugly ones need some loving too!!!