'Flapper King'



I got this story from a bubblehead who sent it to me… knowing how shitters work and the vivid imagination I got going on inside my head, I hope you can fulfill your funny bone as well as I did reading this bit of anecdotal humor…

A submarine shitter ain’t much more than a metal seat colder than a witch’s titty over a ball valve. Flushing is a two-handed process. One does the business, then using the right hand, pulls open the ball valve while opening the sea water valve with the left hand. Then once everything has gone, turns the valve shut and pushes the ball valve back. So where does it all go you ask?!?

The ‘CHT’ tanks eventually get full and the contents have to be blown out to sea, which is the equivalent of a mega flush. Because this makes bubbles, which in turn, make noise that give away the submarine’s position, the process is done slowly. While the tanks are being ‘blown’ you cannot use the ‘shitters!!!’

Well, you can, but just remember not to flush!!!

In case you were really in the dark as to what’s going on, there is a massive ‘fart’ smell that permeates throughout the boat! So when you really gotta go and you can’t hold your horses… No Problem!! Again, just don’t ‘flush!!!’

Because if you do… All that shit in that there CHT tank is taking the path of least resistance… that would be head’n right into your direction!!!

They say there is always one… One on every patrol who forgets about the tanks being blown… used the toilet… and had to ‘flush!!!’

You’d be minding your own damned business when all of the sudden you’d hear a deafening roar like the Hoover Dam just broke open with a resounding scream’n seaman… followed by the smell of a thousand ‘farts!!!’

There, plastered against the bulkhead, is the poor ass victim… hair slicked back in shit with bits & pieces of corn and toilet paper covered everywhere including his whole gauddamned body!!!

After a good clean-up of the head by the poor swabby who didn’t do his diligence as well as a set of shots from the onboard ‘Doc’… the Skipper presents the poor bastard with a ‘Golden Flapper’ Certificate!!!

Every now and again you have a shippy who goes above and beyond to earn ‘TWO’ Certificates during on patrol! This person is given a Burger King Crown making him the ‘Flapper King!!!”

Talk about shitt’n in your own nest! You ever see a Navy Recruiting Poster with a ‘Crackerjack’ covered in Shit?!? Imagine the medley of animated facial expressions from your shipmates!! I guess there’s a reason they call it ‘Sailor Proofing’…

'Sailor Arrested For Vagrancy'



This sailor was on Liberty in San Diego and got picked up by the Police for being drunk and for vagrancy. The Cop took him off to the Night Court Judge.

The judge reviewed the case and said to the sailor…

"I can understand you getting arrested for being drunk but for vagrancy, I find that hard to believe. I know that your Commanding Officer would have made sure you had money before you left the ship. Would you like to explain to me just what you had done with your money?"

The sailor fidgets for a moment then says…

"Well you see your Honor, I spent most of it on Wine, Women and Music…

… The judge nods his head …

“Then I just wasted the rest of it."

'ESWS & PQS Quals Back In The Day'



'A Few Good FCs'



Son, we live in a world that needs Guns, Radars & Missiles, and that kind of equipment needs to be maintained by technicians in Gun Plots, Radar Rooms, Director & Computer Rooms as well as CIC. Who's going to do it, you?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You demand ordnance on target down range and a perfect picture on your little radar display. You curse the FC's despite our swift response to trouble calls through CSOOW & the CSC. You have the luxury of ignorance and not knowing what I know.

Being technically challenged, while tragic, is probably the result of a low IQ and a dismal ASVAB score; and my existence, while lacking the appropriate respect I deserve and beyond your comprehension, keeps Sailors like you safe from the bad guys and on a sound navigating ship!

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about, you WANT me in those air conditioned spaces… you NEED me in those air conditioned spaces!

We use terms like Fire for effect, Birds Away, O-scope, VSWR, and Schematics. We use these words as the backbone of a life drilling, doing PMS and troubleshooting!

I have neither the time, nor the inclination to explain myself to a person who surfs the net and e’mails home while underway while I provide the sanctity and comfort to do so then questions how I provide it! I would rather you just said thank you and went on your way; otherwise I suggest you pick up a Gauddamned Fluke, or an O’scope and some Schematics!

Either way, I don't give a DAMN what you think you are entitled too!!

'BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS'



Towards the end of the golf course, the Chief hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..

All of a sudden...

… POOF …

In a flash of puff and smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said…

"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?”

The Chief stands there abruptly stunned not knowing what to say…

“Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

… POOF! …

 And she was gone!

After Chief recovered from the shock, he hollered for his golf budd, the  Master Chief…

"Master Chief, where are you?"

Master Chief yells back…

"I'm over here in the pussy willows!!!"

Chief shouts back…

“DON'T SWING MASTER CHIEF; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!”

'O’ Jeepney Driver'



Sung to the tune of "Take Me Home, Country Roads," by John Denver

Almost heaven, Olongapo City,

Green, green mountains, shadow o'r Shit River.
Life is fast here, faster than your eyes,
Filipino haircut, if you butterfly.

O’ Jeepney driver, take me home,
To the girl, I belong,
Giling-giling, all night long,
Take me home, Jeepney driver.

All my mem’ries, are about her,
Sexy lady, down in Subic City.
Dark and thrusty, under the table,
Misty taste of Mojo, make me want to go home.

O’ Jeepney driver, take me home,
To the girl, I belong,
Giling-giling, all night long,
Take me home, Jeepney driver.

I hear her voice in the evening how she calls me,
She says, "Come on honey-ko, it’s time to go to bed.
While walkin’ down the road I get a feelin' that I
Haven’t pissed since yesterday, I’m broke today.*

O’ Jeepney driver, take me home,
To the girl, I belong,
Giling-giling, all night long,
Take me home, Jeepney driver.

O' Jeepney driver, take me home
O' Jeepney driver, take me home.

*Variation: While drivin’ down the road I get a feelin'
She took all my Pesos yesterday, yesterday.

Written by an FTG2 Blaine Collins, US Navy, 1975-1980

The PI...

'The PI is what Sailors call an Adult Disneyland! It was the last Pirate Port in the World!!'

'Fleet Operations'



Once in a while you’ll find there is an officer exchange between ships… usually junior officers! Once there was an exchange between a Carrier and a Tin Can Destroyer!!

When the Carrier had sent some of its officers to the Destroyer the plan was to educate these officers about the smaller ships!

As the story goes… one of the Carrier officers had the Con on the bridge as he called out to the helm…

“Change coarse Helmsman to 370 degrees!”

To which the Helmsman responded…

“Sir my compass only goes to 360 degrees!”

As the Officer complained…

“And that’s the trouble with these small ships!!!”

'Happy Fourth Of July'



Before any of you ol’ Salty Crackerjacks go out and buy yourself what’s passing for fireworks these days… you know the ones with the ‘Safe for Infant’ warning where the advertisement printed on the front label is more gauddamned terrifying than the stuff you’re light’n off, Just stop and think before you get all liquored up spending the night light’n the cordite so you can smell the burnt carbon for the next four days!!

When it comes to say’n ‘NO’ to the seatbelts, helmets, knee pads & elbow pads, radial belted condoms & audio activated panty hose that require a password to get into like some kind’a ‘Jerry Rigged’ chastity belt… I’m right there with ya! But you gotta play it safe to a point and stick to the rules because you can’t drink your beer and light fuses at the same time when you’re drunk… I keep fall’n over!! And when you’re light’n stuff off that can send an oil drum so high in the damned air the local airport picks up a blip on the radar scope… or it’s sett’n off the air raid alarms all over town… you might be doing something right… but you’ll probably be gett’n a knock on the door from the local constable… just say’n!!!

So go out there and light up what goes up and blows up and goes boom… And enjoy the weekend! Don’t forget what you’re celebrating either… too gauddamned many kids out there need to be edumacated on what the hell the Fourth of July is really all about!! If more kids these days understood what our Constitutional Freedoms were about and the men and women who fought so damned hard to make this place worth fighting for… we’d probably have some better Politians represent’n us home folks!!!

Sooo… edumacate those kids and Enjoy the Libations & Celebrations!!!

'Filipino Monkey'



Anyone remember the long nights standing midwatch while steaming in some imaginary ‘OP’ box in the middle of nowhere…  turning circles on station until 0700 in the morning only to resume another plan of the day?!? The radar operator occasionally checking his repeater scope for contacts looking for bad guys, mines, bonka boats, floating VW bugs… or signs of Noah’s Ark?!?

It seemed nobody really gave a rat’s ass about anything but course and speed at 0100 hours in the middle of nowhere! The Watch Officer did everything in his power to stay awake while a few FCs & EWs are causing mayhem over in the corner… about that time the TAO tells them to knock the shit off!! Other times we’d listen in on the bullshit jamboree going on over the sound powered phones between the lookouts and the bridge… let me tell you, that got quite interesting when the ladies came aboard!!!

Yes, if nothing else, the midwatch was boring enough to spawn a full laundry list of accrued indiscretions stupid exploits and unscrupulous deeds! On nights when we couldn’t figure out how to occupy our simple minds the Watch Sup would say…

“Just do your best and let the rough end drag…”

Well, we were all look’n pretty gauddamned rough at zero dark thirty in the morning… the midwatch can nibble at a crackerjack’s soul making you feel like the walking dead over a period of weeks or months!! If we weren’t writing in Bitch Logs or taping ‘Kick Me In the Jimmie’ across some sorry sap’s back while passed out drooling over their console then we weren’t upholding our duty as United States Servicemen… and Women!! I once heard it put so eloquently…

“It’s the law of nature, water is wet, what goes up must come down, and sailors hate the midwatch!”

… If you’d been there and done that, you’d know exactly what I’m talk’n about!!!

That sort’a bullshit made those long boring nights a bit more palpable! Sounds stupid now, but at the time it was a riot!! It provided us young’ns at the lower end of the food chain a break from the monotonous gyrations of the radar repeaters and the blue lights that regulated the watch cycles!! Being on the forward position of the world’s troubles was usually dull as hell… not a whole lot of difference from watch’n paint dry!! But on occasion an amazing thing would happen… while on the bridge to bridge radio broadcast… ever so often in a Borat like voice…

“Filipino Monkey! Filipino Monkey… HeHeHe…!!”

… Yes, original Monkey Business hijack’n the airwaves!!!

It happens all over the globe but I’d only heard it in the Fifth Fleet area! It’s Hilarity on the High Seas!! I know, I know… somewhat unprofessional, but it’s not one of our guys… that’s for gauddamned sure!! And to just sit and listen to this fella go on can really spice up the moment if you know what I mean!!!

This fella’s like a cross between the Jerky Boys and A Shock Jock on New York Radio… offensive but funny as hell!!!

I’d heard a story about a fella in the Med who overheard two Pakistani Merchant Ships conversing on ‘16’ when outta nowhere…

“This is Filipino Monkey… Filipino Monkey… Indian I can’t see you but I can smell you!”

… to which the response was…

“You bastard… I’m not Indian… I’m Pakistani… I kill You!”

Yes, the mêlée can be hilarious with more in store…

“Filipino Monkey… Filipino Monkey… Go Fuck a Goat Ass!!!”

… or …

“This is Filipino Monkey… I like sex… you like sex? I like sexy porno…!”

… and when he hears a female OOD on the air…

“Hey American Girl… You make Sexy Time with Filipino Monkey…?”

Yes he was full of fun and games on the radio for standard late night entertainment underway! Who knows who the ‘Filipino Monkey’ really is?!? He could be a myriad of individuals from around the world… probably just a mutual call sign between pranksters from Sea to shining Sea!! One thing’s for gauddamn sure… he’s been up to his shenanigans for thirty some odd years or more!!!

Yes, this mystery ranks right up there with the likes of the all so elusive ‘Sea Bat’, the ‘Phantom Shitter’ or the ‘Lost City of Atlantis’ for that matter…!!  I guess we’ll never really know!! Maybe if we just leave it up to those meddling kids… the ones running the boat these days with their XBOXs and I’phones, hell they got gadgets with superman like vision these days that can see through walls … it sure beats the hell outta me?!!!?