'IRAQ'

In the 1980s Saddam Hussein committed horrible atrocities against the Kurds to the north while bombing cities and raiding his eastern border in a ten year war against the Iranians! All of this was before invading Kuwait and causing all sorts of worldly mayhem!! That was before we wrought havoc on his armies and sent them crawling on their knees back to Baghdad!!! 

… Maybe that was wrong of us ...

Maybe folks would have been happier if we flew over Iraq and sprinkled Skittles on them so they could taste the rainbow! But the fact remains we didn't!! We chose to end the War with a decisive blow and defeated their asses all the way up the highway of death!!!

You know what they say… “Mess with the Bull and get the Horns!”

'Here Was To One Hell Of A Ride'

Sea Stories... The ‘No-Shit Sherlock’ for Crackerjacks everywhere! An adventure outrageously funny and frightening, full of half-truths and outright lies, the next growing worse with each bullshit session! No one forgets the life we lived... Get two Ol’ Salts together over a bottle of rum, talking about old times, and sooner or later the shit show turns to tales of peso shows and cute ‘LBFMs’ engaging a game of Cricket shooting darts out their vaginas! As Charlie Sheen would say…

“Now that’s what I call ‘Winning!!!”

Now Sea Stories aren’t all full of shit. Many stories are mostly based on fact, but the better recollections of sea-going adventures have only a nodding acquaintance with what really happened. Hard Facts inhibit flexibility… They bore.

Minnie Pearl always said…

"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story!" 

But to Westpac Crackerjacks are more than just tall tales. These stories are a way of life and Sailors have long been known for telling good stories!! A high percentage of us spent the best years of our lives shooting the shit on the mess decks, the fantail, or around the butt-kit. This way of life shaped us into what we have become…  it's not just a smile and a memory.

For it wasn't I who streaked butt nekkit down Lombard Street lit up like a Roman Candle on whiskey and cheap beer. It wasn't I who got beat up by Shore Patrol for defending a young lady from a horde of pissed-off shipmates!! It wasn't I who danced on the stripper pole in Bangkok's Nana Plaza with several Thai beauties ... No it wasn't me, I'm not the one you're looking for!

The stories we tell are forever bold in literature and film like ‘McHale’s Navy’, ‘Flight of The Intruder’, ‘Hunt For Red October’… so on and so forth! But unless you’ve lived it, you don’t really get it!! So here’s to all you Ol’ Salts sitt’n at a bar or VFW telling ‘No-Shitters’ like there ain’t no tomorrow!

It was one hell of a ride wasn’t it?!?

'What Can I Get For Twenty Dineros'

A Crackerjack Sailor was sitting around the ship bored as hell and feeling horny! He digs around in his locker for loose change and comes up with Twenty Bucks and heads for the local brothel!! He approaches the madam and says…

"I only have Twenty Dineros but I am so horny! Please, please I just need to fuck something!"

The madam says…

"OK, If you’re that desperate I’ll let you fuck a goat!"

The madam instructs him to go to the first door on the right! Once there, he sees a goat tied to the corner and a large mirror on the wall!! He proceeds to go behind the animal and fucks away like crazy, finishes, and leaves!!!

A couple of days later, he feels horny again, digs around, and finds Fifteen Dollars! He goes back to the brothel and tells the madam he only has Fifteen Dineros but he’s really horny and wants to fuck the goat again!! She tells him he fucked the goat so hard he killed it!!!

Instead, she could let him watch two women mud-wrestle for Fifteen Dollars! The guy agrees and she instructs him to go to the second door on the right!! He walks into a dark room and sees a few guys sitting in front of a large window watching two women mud-wrestle!!!

Sitt’n there he gets pretty excited and says to one of the other fellas in the room…

"This is great!"

To which the other guys say…

"Yeah, but you should have been here a couple of days ago when they had some guy fucking an ol’ goat!"

'Mixed Signals'

As a plane captain in the Navy, hand signals were a part of my everyday life! I was parked at the supermarket once and a lady with her young daughter got out of their car, but their headlights were on!!  So I honked, and when she looked over, I touched my nose with my right hand and with my left made a grabby-grabby motion!!!

In PC'ing Hawkeyes, that means your noselight is on...!

In civilian life apparently that means…  “Let me touch your daughter!"

‘Boot Camp Inspection Tricks’

When you conduct a Boot Camp Barracks Inspection, bring some Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup and make sure you inspect the toilet alone while the recruits are standing by! Put some of that there syrup in the toilet like, so you get the very familiar mark we all know so well!! Then put on your furious face when you let it all out on the squad leader!!!

When he comes running, give him hell while asking…

"Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is this?"

… Of course he becomes speechless! Then you obviously put your finger in it and taste it!! You confirm it’s shit and give him hell for it!!!

The look on his face is simply: PRICELESS!!!!