Quagmire

Glenn Quagmire will commit to any organization whose motto includes "Don't Tell." 

'Horizontal Refreshment'

We all know the longer one goes without companionship of the kinder gentler sex can reduce one to the state in which one will attempt to form a carnal union with a Suzie Blow Up Doll, if he assumes a velvet hole resides within. Rates at which this will happen differ from sailor to sailor!

Until the first morning of the long awaited liberty port when the local constabulary delivers you to the Quarterdeck in a straw hat, your skivvies and flip flops, and you can't remember which house of horizontal refreshment you left your whites hanging!!

Behind you in toe is the Weapons Boss, back from doing his own version of the Devil’s Fandango... The lieutenant is wearing dog tags, skivvies and black socks… And he too, wears a straw hat with lipstick and hickey marks up and down his torso!!!

Try explaining that one to the skipper…!!!

US Navy Oath of Enlistment

HaHaHa… I found this one to be a bit out dated, but funny never the less!

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world… using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."



So help me Neptune.

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Signature / Date

'Sharing Yarns'

Sea Stories hold a special place in the chronicles of sea going vernacular unique to those who experienced voyaging the seven seas around the world! Some might call it a bunch of Bullshit but what needs to be realized is that Bullshit is the ‘Play Dough’ that Sea Stories are made of!! The telling of sea stories is a cultured skill created in places like back room bars and taverns as well as fantails and pier sides where Crackerjacks like to hangout and loiter!!!

Now, every so often someone sends me a no-shitter that really tickles my funny bone! Reading what you all have experienced can be just as fun as threading my own yarns!! These stories are a God given gift to old Crackerjacks to keep them smiling as their bellies get fat, their heads grow gray & bald and forgive me for saying it… when their tally whackers shrivel up and become useless!! The memories are a mental form of Viagra for their oxidized old souls!!!

Here’s one from a fella reminiscing about shore patrol in Naples Italy sometime in the early Seventies I believe…

I had a funny experience in Naples once when I was on Shore Patrol…

IIRC, they made the alleys above Via Roma off limits sometime around the mid-seventies! We had to patrol up in that area to make sure nobody was trying to go in there!! It was one of them places you don’t want to be caught messing around in if you know what I mean!!!

One night when I was on Shore Patrol, me and a First Class named Cook who had the nickname ‘Cookieman,’ who also happened to be my boss and probably twenty years my senior, got chased by an irate transvestite!  He kind of looked like Alice Cooper with a big black raincoat stumbling towards us shouting something in Italian brandishing a knife above his head!! The Tranny’s peter was hanging out of the black raincoat like an open pea-coat sleeve!! If it weren’t for the five-o’clock shadow and the peter hanging out I would’ve thought it purtier than a mess of fried catfish!!!

As I was standing there gaping at this sight, Cookieman turned and ran, so I turned and ran too! We ran for a block or two cracking up laughing along the way, then stopped to catch our breath! While we were standing there, ‘Cookieman’ was bent over with his hands on his knees, panting, and looking up at me with a big grin and said…

"She looked like Grandma but talked like Grandpa...!"

I laugh at that to this day...!

We sure can't send you on anymore good will trips in the Med, Cookie...!

Yep… Places in our Rolodex memory banks that we choose to never forget! Places where a Crackerjack can park his butt and share fellowship and sea stories with fellow practitioners of the nautical arts!! If you got a good one, share it… I’ll be happy to help write it!!!