Saturday, July 28, 2018

"Man Overboard"



WE WERE CONDUCTING flight operations aboard the USS Independence off Jacksonville, Fla. The topside safety petty officer on the No. 3 catapult was accidentally blown over the side by the exhaust of a turning F-4 Phantom jet. All those who witnessed the incident thought for sure the man was lost, because the flight deck was 65 feet above the ocean. Fortunately, he was rescued by the ship's helicopter. Later that day, I visited him in sick bay…

"Were you scared?"

… I asked …

"Scared?"

… He asked ...

"Hell, I yelled 'Man overboard' three times before I hit the water!"


Sunday, July 22, 2018

“The Dockyard Church”




The Dockyard Church is a shanty about an unusual seaman's Holy Place. It goes to the tune of the British song The Farmer's Boy. I hope all you Deckhands, Swabbies, Blokes and Matelots enjoy …

The preacher in the dockyard church one Sunday morning said,
"Some dirty bastard shit himself - I'll punch his fucking head."
Then up stood Jack in the third row back and he spat a greasy gob:
"I'm the one who shit his fucking self, you can chew my carroty knob!
You can chew my carroty knob!"

Then Jenny Wren got up to sing and she warbled like a thrush.
The preacher in the pulpit said, "I think you're fucking lush."
"That's right," said she, "and I've got a fee - it is thirty bob a time."
Then a bosun in the back stood up, "Stand back you dirty bastard she's mine,
Stand back you dirty bastard she's mine."

The organist came down the aisle with the organ on his back.
The preacher in the pulpit said, "You can march that bastard back."
The organist played Heart of Oak, the choir sang Auld Lang Syne.
Then the preacher in the pulpit said, "You've had your fucking time,
You've had your fucking time!"


Salty Dick




Friday, July 20, 2018

"Smith, Jones & Brown"


The new Navy recruits were being processed when a crusty Chief Petty Officer entered the room, looking to put together a work detail...

 "Smith, Jones, Brown! On your feet!" he hollered.

Several recruits stood up. The chief smiled and said...

"It works every time."

Saturday, July 14, 2018

"Norman Rockwell"


Rockwell is most famous for the cover illustrations of everyday life he created for The Saturday Evening Post magazine over nearly five decades.  During World War I, he tried to enlist into the U.S. Navy but was refused entry because, at 140 pounds (64 kg), he was eight pounds underweight for someone 6 feet (1.8 m) tall. To compensate, he spent one night gorging himself on bananas, liquids and doughnuts, and weighed enough to enlist the next day. He was given the role of a military artist, however, and did not see any action during his tour of duty.






















All reference from:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norman_Rockwell











Monday, July 9, 2018

“THE OLD OUTFIT”



Come gather round me lads and I'll tell you a thing or two, about the way we ran the Navy in nineteen forty-two.

When wooden ships and iron men were barely out of sight,
I am going to give you some facts just to set the record right.

We wore the ole bell-bottoms, with a flat hat on our heads, And we always hit the sack at night, We never "went to bed".

Our uniforms were worn ashore, and we were mighty proud. Never thought of wearing civvies, in fact they were not allowed.

Now when a ship puts out to sea, I'll tell you son--it hurts! When suddenly you notice that half the crew's wearing skirts.

And it's hard for me to imagine, a female boatswains mate, Stopping on the Quarterdeck to make sure her stockings are straight.

What happened to the KIYI brush, and the old salt-water bath Holy stoning decks at night — cause you stirred old Bosn's wrath!

We always had our gedunk stand and lots of pogey bait. And it always took a hitch or two, just to make a rate.

In your sea bag all your skivvies were neatly stopped and rolled.
And the blankets on your sack had better have a three-inch fold.

Your little ditty bag ...It is hard to believe just how much it held.
And you wouldn't go ashore with pants what hadn't been spiked and belied.

We had scullery maids and succotash and good old S.O.S. And when you felt like topping off—you headed for the mess.

Oh we had our belly robbers —but there weren't too many Wipes.

For the deck apes were never hungry and there were no starving snipes.

Now you hear of Davey Jones, Shellbacks or Polliwags, And you never splice the main brace to receive your daily grog-

Now you never have to dog a watch or stand the main event. You never tie your lines today —back in my time then were bent.

We were all two-fisted drinkers and no one thought you sinned,
If you staggered back aboard your ship, three sheets to the wind.

And with just a couple hours of sleep you retained your usual luster.
bright eyed and bushy tailed--you still made morning muster.

Rocks and shoals have long since gone, and now it's U.C.M.J. Then the old man handled everything if you should go astray.

Now they steer the ships with dials, and I wouldn't be surprised,
If some day they sailed the damned things --from the beach computerized.

So when my earthly hitch is over, and the good Lord picks the best,
I'll walk right up to Him and say," Sir, I have but one request.

Let me sail the seas of Heaven in a coat of Navy blue.
Like I did so long ago on earth —way back in nineteen forth-two."


Written by a World War Two Sailor by the name of LTJG Don Ballard who joined the Navy in 1935 when he received $21.00 per month …


Wednesday, July 4, 2018

"Independence Day"



“Happy Independence Day America!”

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

"Two brothers enlist in the NAVY"




Two brothers enlisting in the NAVY were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, over-sized penises…

"How do you account for this?"

… he asked the brothers …

"It's hereditary. sir,"

… the older one replied …

"I see."

… said the doctor, writing in his file …

"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir,"

… replied the recruit …

 "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!"