"MRI"

When a sailor went to the clinic for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The sailor remarked,

“How long was I in there for?”

"Memorial Day"

Memorial Day has been stooped in controversy and myth since its inception. I’ve even see on social media how some take offense when it gets confused with Veteran’s Day. Well, here is a little history on Memorial Day and what it’s all about:

Memorial Day is an American holiday, observed on the last Monday of May, honoring the men and women who died while serving in the U.S. military. Memorial Day 2019 occurs on Monday, May 27. 

Originally known as Decoration Day, it originated in the years following the Civil War and became an official federal holiday in 1971. Many Americans observe Memorial Day by visiting cemeteries or memorials, holding family gatherings and participating in parades. Unofficially, it marks the beginning of the summer season.

The Civil War, which ended in the spring of 1865, claimed more lives than any conflict in U.S. history and required the establishment of the country’s first national cemeteries.

By the late 1860s, Americans in various towns and cities had begun holding springtime tributes to these countless fallen soldiers, decorating their graves with flowers and reciting prayers.

On May 5, 1868, General John A. Logan, leader of an organization for Northern Civil War veterans, called for a nationwide day of remembrance later that month. “The 30th of May, 1868, is designated for the purpose of strewing with flowers, or otherwise decorating the graves of comrades who died in defense of their country during the late rebellion, and whose bodies now lie in almost every city, village and hamlet churchyard in the land,” he proclaimed.

“The date of Decoration Day, as he called it, was chosen because it wasn’t the anniversary of any particular battle.”

On the first Decoration Day, General James Garfield made a speech at Arlington National Cemetery, and 5,000 participants decorated the graves of the 20,000 Union and Confederate soldiers buried there.

Many Northern states held similar commemorative events and reprised the tradition in subsequent years; by 1890 each one had made Decoration Day an official state holiday. Southern states, on the other hand, continued to honor their dead on separate days until after World War I.

Memorial Day, as Decoration Day gradually came to be known, originally honored only those lost while fighting in the Civil War. But during World War I the United States found itself embroiled in another major conflict, and the holiday evolved to commemorate American military personnel who died in all wars.

For decades, Memorial Day continued to be observed on May 30, the date Logan had selected for the first Decoration Day. But in 1968 Congress passed the Uniform Monday Holiday Act, which established Memorial Day as the last Monday in May in order to create a three-day weekend for federal employees; the change went into effect in 1971. The same law also declared Memorial Day a federal holiday.

“Memorial Day “A&E Television Networks. [Online] Accessed 27 May, 2019. https://www.history.com/topics/holidays/memorial-day-history

"Fleet Week"

It’s Fleet in Week New York, now in its 31st year.  It’s the city’s time honored celebration of the sea services, an opportunity for the people of New York meet Sailors, Marines and Coast Guardsmen.  The week long celebration has been held since 1984. Here are a few Fleet Week Jokes I gathered from late night television … hope you enjoy!

It's Fleet Week in New York City. All the armed forces are there, 1500 military personnel. They're going to defend us against Godzilla.

Fleet Week is great for me personally because it's the only time I can walk around New York City and not feel stupid wearing my little sailor outfit.

A new study proves that women love men in uniform. You know, unless it's a Mets uniform.

During Fleet Week, New York City gets pretty rowdy. All that yelling, drinking, and raising hell. And then when they're done taping "The View," Fleet Week starts.

It’s Fleet Week in New York. And you know what that means: Next week is Penicillin Week.

As one comedian implied, fleet week is the one time every year when it’s OK for your best friend to mistakenly sleep with the ice cream man, thinking that he’s a Navy captain.

 I’d like the chance of parallel-parking a Nimitz-class super carrier!

Almost 3,000 members of the Navy are in New York for Fleet Week … and almost 3 will remember it.

At Fleet Week you can always tell which ship is the USS New York as it’s always pointing and laughing at the USS New Jersey …

"Berthing Nazi"

Not long ago an old shipmate was asking me if I remembered berthing cleaners on board the ol’ Lucky No. 7, USS Rainier!  He asked if I remembered the Golden Broom Award each week and how we usually faired.  That was the silly award given to the best heads & beds of the week given out by the ship’s Executive Officer. 

A Second Class Petty Officer was usually put in charge of a particular week’s cleaning schedule with “positional authority” being the badge of honor. Hell, I was put in charge on several occasions. The rest of the fellas gave me the moniker "Berthing Nazi" and I took it on with pride!!!  

Heads & Beds was considered very bad business, in that egos, cushy useless collateral duties, and points of attachment between many asses and chairs well secured for sea were put endanger. Figuring out who was available to round up was like the “Running of the Bulls” in Pamplona Spain!

You guessed it, one of the biggest headaches was figuring out who was showing up to get’er done. Predictably there were special liberty types and people on leave you had to fight with divisional LPOs to substitute in their absence.

“Hey Shipmate… You got a little bit of something on your mouth… I think… it looks and sounds like bullshit!”

A Modus Vivendi often existed between LPOs when it came to berthing cleaners. And since I was a mere Second Class, they didn’t take too kindly to me telling them instead of asking them to pony up. I mean, even zoos have guys who shower the shit out of the monkey cages day to day … and believe you me, in a twenty-four hour period that berthing could become a shit show!!!

From 0800 to 1100 it was nothing but assholes and elbows ... and though I didn't usually take much seriously, heads & beds was one thing I didn't mess around with ...  Gotta scrub them heads and make them beds.  

The Berthing Compartment was its own little Pandora’s box.  There were times that getting the job done called on all the resourcefulness, ingenuity, and just plain Bull Shit you can muster.  The chorus of whiners, complainers and panty wetter’s had become a source of daily amusement.  You had to be hard on these sons-a-bitches because sailors are like officer's wives … they always think they’re special and just don't give a fuck for nothing!

And forget about that nasty mess in the head! The mess was usually the result of shipmate escapades on the previous night ashore. You got buger chunks dried to the shitter walls, used shit paper and piss sloshing around on the deck and shower babies from eighty swing’n dicks splattered throughout the showers and shower curtains.  Last man to show up got to play spick and span in the shitters and showers. As the berthing PO you had to be ruthless to them charlatans on the cleaning bill! When you pressed them sons-a-bitches to get to work, they’d act like piglets rolling around in mud while throwing you the finger!!

“Why do I have to clean the shitters… I aways have to clean the shitters!”

“Because you’re always a half an hour late gett’n here you idiot!”

 … It’s the job nobody wants.

Then of course was picking up laundry on time and resupplying the shit paper.  The best of the shit paper was always leased out! You could get a few fairly decent rolls for a pack of smokes, a freshly minted nudie magazine, some snuff or a good sized ammo box.  But laundry was essential … Nesting in smelly laundry, dirty towels, skivvies doused in fromunda cheese and weird smelling racks came with the territory … but forget to pick up laundry and that pungency can last for a long time.   

And God forbid you walked away to contact the HTs’ to unclog a shitter … Nothing worse than a shitter clogged with shit paper someone tried to use to mask the smell from last night’s beer shits …

“A shipmate who’s too damned ignorant to figure out how to aim in that gauddamned porcelain bowl oughta be flipp’n burgers … simple burgers … with no moving parts!”

But I digress … as I was saying, God forbid you should have to walk away for a moment and those knuckle heads would find that extra creamy subscription to “The Girls Next Door” or “Tattas for Wankers.”  Someone would always find the most recent issue under a pillow... 

“Man I wish I was a Breast Pump… I’d be clinging to those mammories forever!”

…and the berthing pukes would spend the first hour gawking until…

“What are you sons-a-bitches doing… are you jack’n to porn? There should be nothing but asses and elbows in the air scrubbing & cleaning… now get to work!

And turn off that damn idiot box before the XO shows up!”

By the time the XO finished heads and beds… that nudie magazine would find its way stuck together in tatters all rolled up behind the flush valve under the duty shitter!

But the Navy never claimed to be a repository for high intelligence, if any at all.  It all worked out eventually as long as we focused on the “how to” and not the “why for.”  You see, Heads & Beds was part theatrical art and part menial servitude. If you hadn’t experienced this standard operation of daily shit stewing, then you missed out on one of the great cultural experiences of being a Cracker Jack Sailor in the Ol’ Canoe Club. It wasn’t always fun and games … but it grew hair on our chests and built character … and we survived!!!

  

"Back From Deployment"

Sailor Jack’s been away on deployment for nearly a year! Walking up his street, he kicks in the front door, flings his seabag on the floor, grabs his wife and bangs her “knee trembler style” up against the kitchen door, when he's finished he changes and goes down the pub. He sees his mate who asks …

"Good trip?"

"Yeah!"

… He replies. His mate asks …

"Thought you'd be out with the misses tonight, first night home, where is she?"

"Trying to get the kitchen door knob out of her arse!"

“The Dinghy Song”

Ruth Wallis was a jazz and cabaret singer during those big band forties who gained fame for her risqué satirical songs full of double entendres she wrote herself. Her popularity reached its zenith in the 1950s with songs like “Dear Mr. Godfrey and other songs on subjects that were publicly taboo at the time such as homosexuality and infidelity.  In the 1970s her music was often feature on the Doctor Demento Radio Show. Some of her most famous songs were collected and became the Off-Broadway hit, “Boobs.” She even had a few tunes expressing the stereotypical life of a sailor like the “Admiral’s Daughter” and “The Dinghy Song.” These are the lyrics of “The Dinghy Song” and I hope you enjoy …

Sailing, sailing, over the ocean blue
Davy's got a dinghy, so he paddles his own canoe

He's got the cutest little dinghy in the Navy
And all the girlies know that it's so.
The cutest little dinghy in the Navy,
They love to watch him go "Heave ho!"
Just for a lark, he went and painted it green.
It's the only green dinghy that the girls have ever seen,
The cutest little dinghy in the Navy. Heave ho! Heave ho!

Now, other sailors take their girls canoein'.
It's an old, old, navy technique,
But Davy gets more girlies with his dinghy,
And what is more, it never springs a leak.
Every time it rains, his little dingy gets wet,
But Davy says it's waterproof, so he doesn't fret.
The cutest little dinghy in the navy. Heave ho! Heave ho!

Now I have seen a hundred other dinghies,
And I'm qualified to remark,
He's got the cutest little dinghy in the Navy.
Why, I would know it even in the dark.
It isn't very long and it isn't very short.
It's built for speedy action and it gets him into port,
The cutest little dinghy in the Navy. Heave ho! Heave ho!

It isn't very narrow and it isn't very wide,
But you should see that thing go in and out with the tide.
The cutest little dinghy in the Navy. Heave ho! Heave ho!

To keep it from the girls, Davy says, is very hard.
Why, it isn't even safe down at the Navy Yard,
The cutest little dinghy in the Navy. Heave ho! Heave ho!

The Admiral has a flagship and the Captain's got a cruiser;
But Davy's got a dinghy. It's a lollapalooza!
The cutest little dinghy in the Navy, and the old Admiral is heard to say:
If he had Davy's dinghy he would always feel springy.
He'd ride the WAVES night and day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGHLCeDjH_E&fbclid=IwAR0Pp2OiPUv6XAcfhjhBUyx7izRE0XX-ym10iJhNEe5V-OzZmIhaknJNFn8

"Squidly Diddly"

A Sailor walks into a bar with an octopus and sits it down on the stool next to him while telling everyone in the bar his shipmate “Squidly Diddly” was the most talented octopus in the world. He tells everyone how “Squidly” can play any instrument in the world and he’ll wager fifty dollars to anyone to prove it.

Everyone in the bar just laughs and laughs. So a guy walks up to the octopus and sits a guitar next to him …

“I’ll take that wager. I’ve got to see this!”

The octopus starts playing and he’s better than Hendrix, Page, Eddie Van Halen and all the guitar greats … just ripping it up! So the man hands over his fifty dollars in complete amazement.

Then another man walks up with a trumpet and says …

“I bet he can’t play this!”

The octopus plays the trumpet and he’s better than Dizzie Gillispie! So the man pays him another fifty dollars and walks away in pure amazement.

Then a Scottish bloke walks up with a set of bagpipes and sits it next to the octopus. The octopus fiddles with it a bit and fumbles around awkwardly.

“Ha!” … says the Scottish fella … I knew he couldn’t play it!”

Abruptly the Octopus replies as everyone looks in awww …

“Play it … I’m gonna screw it once I figure out how to get it’s pajamas off!”

“Sexpionage”

There is a term they use in the secret world of espionage. They call it “Sexpionage,” the world of spies, lies, and naked Thighs.

I’m sure everyone who ever ended up in the Philippines can remember their favorite Honey-Ko. Did you ever wonder how those “LBFMs” knew the ship’s movement before you had any idea?

According to Keith Melton, of the International Spy Museum, there are 132 references of espionage in the New Testament.  Much of the history of espionage is lubed in sexuality and iniquitous damsels. Mata Hari was one of the most well-known undercover mistresses of all time.   

In the vernacular of the spy world, there is an imposition called the “Honey Trap.”  This was usually the hotel room where a prostitute or other sexual encounter might bring a young serviceman for an evening tryst, and learn any secrets he might be willing to tell.

During the Cold War, the Soviet KGB rigged rooms all over Europe to ensure service members as well as political officials could be spied upon and even blackmailed. To ensure these people ended up in the right room they would simply give a free upgrade, compliments of some anonymous source. It’s said that it wouldn’t be uncommon to have KGB operatives creeping in the room next door.

The President of Indonesia was once said to be blackmailed in bedroom shots with several Pan Am flight attendants.  Unfortunately for the spies, he asked for more copies so he could show his people how “virile” their leader was!

Throughout the Sixties & Seventies, Swingers' parties were a common thing in our nation’s capital.  Once a Czech couple named Karl and Hana Koecher gained access to classified CIA documents through wife swapping. Sexpionage experts say that Washington Politicians know way too many synonyms for sex acts and giggle like school girls whenever they are mentioned.  One favorite saying during the Cold War was …

“It is sometimes said that there are Reds under every bed.”

So remember those old words “Loose Lips Sink Ships” the next time you end up in a midnight tryst in some seedy foreign port!!!


- Information Courtesy of Jason Koebler & Sarah Zlotnick of the Washingtonian.

"Yangtze Go Home - Sand Pebbles Parody"

Here is a classic movie parody from Mad Magazine called “The Sam Pebbles.”  It’s a lighthearted view of a Steve McQueen treasure of a part in American History that most seemed too had forgotten about. Coincidentally it also happened during the Vietnam War. I hope you all enjoy …

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"Politicians"

A Navy ship loaded full of politicians was halfway to its destiny when a freak storm hit the ship. Several of the passengers were thrown overboard and drowned. After the storm, there was a retrieval effort for the bodies and survivors with the knowledge that the deceased would be buried at sea. Three days later, it was reported on the news that the damaged ship had made it into port. Upon boarding, the Navy Desron Commander met with the ship's Captain and asked,

"Is everyone okay?"

The Captain of the damaged Navy ship explained that he had a few passengers fall over board. The Desron Commander asked,

"Are they all dead?"

To which the ship’s captain replied,

"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie."