"A Happy Thanksgiving"

As a Navy Sailor you can always count on shipmates and a bit of good ol’ fashioned Navy Chow to keep your mind off of home while far away at sea. Hope you enjoy some of the humor that kept our sailors going while on deployment …

"The Polygamist Sailor"

Did you hear the one about the Polygamist Sailor from Utah who got stranded on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific?  His wives have plural views on the subject…  

The difference between polygamy and monogamy is like the difference between Pirate Bay and Private Bae!

“They'll say you are bad or perhaps you are mad or at least you should stay undercover. Your mind must be bare if you would dare to think you can love more than one lover.”

These writings have been found in the book “Living in Polygamy” by Sharon Peters!!!

"Yo Ho ... Yo Ho"

Another Navy Shanty … Yo Ho, Yo Ho !!!

I put my hand upon her toe
Yo Ho Yo Ho


I put my hand upon her toe
Yo Ho Yo Ho


I put my hand upon her toe
She said

"Hey Yankee, you're way too low"
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about
Yo Ho Yo Ho Yo Ho


I put my hand upon her knee
Yo Ho Yo Ho

I put my hand upon her knee
Yo Ho Yo Ho
I put my hand upon her knee

She said
"Hey Yankee, you're kiddin' me"
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about

Yo Ho Yo Ho Yo Ho

I put my hand upon her twat

Yo Ho Yo Ho
I put my hand upon her twat
Yo Ho Yo Ho

I put my hand upon her twat
She said
"Hey Yankee, you're hittin' the spot"

Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about
Yo Ho Yo Ho Yo Ho


She put me dick right in her mouth
Yo Ho Yo Ho
She put my dick right in her mouth

Yo Ho Yo Ho
She put me dick right in her mouth
She said

"Hey Yankee..." (choking sounds)

I put my dick right in her nose

Yo Ho Yo Ho
I put my dick right in her nose
Yo Ho Yo Ho

I put my dick right in her nose
She said
"Hey Yankee, that's not where it goes"

Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about
Yo Ho Yo Ho Yo Ho


And now she lies in a wooden box
Yo Ho Yo Ho
And now she lies in a wooden box

Yo Ho Yo Ho
And now she lies in a wooden box
from sucking so many yankee cocks

Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about
Yo Ho Yo Ho Yo Ho


I dig her up every now and then
Yo Ho Yo Ho
I dig her up every now and then

Yo Ho Yo Ho
I dig her up every now and then
I fuck her again and again and again

Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about
Yo Ho Yo Ho Yo Ho

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4077-uVwq9M

"Torpedoes Away"

During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the Skipper told the Navigator to go down to the crew’s lounge and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew…

"What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the Skipper and the Navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat the Skipper asked the navigator …

"Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?"

The navigator told him and the Skipper replied …

"Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

"More on Navy Recruiting"

Navy Recruiting has its moments as some of these comic pics would suggest. I hope all you shipmates enjoy these cartoons I’ve collected over the years …

(Click To Enlarge)

"More Corny One Liners ..."

Maritime Imperial Unit Puns

You can’t even fathom how many there are

What do you get when you put 100 sailors in 1 room?

A lot of seamen

How does a sailor get his mast up?

He uses a wench!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck!

Why is it so easy for girls in the navy to get pregnant?

Because there's so many seamen.

How does a sailor tell his wench he wants to have sex?

Drop your sails and prepare t' be boarded!

Why can’t the sailors play cards?

They were standing on the deck

The greatest harbor on Earth can shelter not a single ship...

It is truly without pier.

Why are electricians terrible sailors?

They are always running aground.

What kind of oranges do sailors eat to fight off scurvy?

Navel oranges

Shouldn't opera singers be good sailors?

Since they're good at high C's.

Why can't you send sailors through the mail?

You try explaining to the postman why you have a load of seamen for him.

What is seamen's favorite animal?

A swallow.

What does your mum and the Bermuda triangle have in common?

They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen

"Hanky-Panky on the Boat Deck"

This isn’t a 'women on ships' diatribe like you might of thought. I have quite the talent for stepping in a pile of manure strictly by accident when threading these yarns so names will be withheld to protect the guilty! No need in me jumping into a briar patch butt nekkit in a hail storm.

Now this story started one night long ago standing watch in the Aft CIWS Mount onboard the USS Rainier, finest ship in the fleet.  She was one of the first ships commissioned with women in mind in a coexistent coed crew.  Scuttlebutt had it there was some hanky-panky going on in some of the most obvious places onboard. 

One particular night I remember going outside of the CIWS Mount and it looked like some kind of unnatural act going on down on the boat deck.  I couldn’t tell if my eyes were deceiving me after darken ship or if there was a couple slow dancing under the Captain’s Gig.  Since it was dark and I couldn’t hear anything I just turned around and minded my own business.

Well one night a couple years later towards the end of my stint onboard, I had a chat with a young female GM3 on the smoke deck about one of our fellow shipmates she used to fancy. When she delved into the intricacies of her relationship with this fella, I had kind of a hard time imagining the two together. But I think it was the iniquitous danger of doing the dirty onboard that got to most shipmates.   

GM3 told me about how her and BM3 Umpty-squat would frequently have their fifteen minute hobby horse ride in the Captains Gig on the aft port side of the ship. That brings us back to what I had always thought I knew, but was never sure until she let me in on the little secret.

She said they climbed up into the boat just as it go dark. BM3 said …

"Those kapoks make for good sleeping, They’re also good for something else!"

She asked …

“And what’s that?”

She said BM3 undid his zipper on his coveralls and that was that. You can only guess the rest.

Hell yeah, I knew my eyes didn’t deceive me. It’s not like she was the organized boat whore. There were many of those onboard.  You knew that somewhere, some place, there was some hanky-panky going on and it was inevitable that it would happen. I’d always heard many stories but not a lot of them were first hand.  I gotta say, it’s not like it was back in the day before women were onboard ships … 

♫♪ You and me baby we ain’t nothing but mammals, doing it like they do it on the Discovery channel ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪

You know what they say ... "Love ain’t nothing but a skin game!!!"

"First Deployment"

A young sailor about to go on his first ever Westpac visits his grandfather, a retired Chief.

"Gramps, I'm so excited to go on my first Westpc," he says.

"Well, son, let me see your seabag so I can make sure you're taking everything you need," says the grandfather.

The sailor goes and grabs his seabag. He pulls everything out for his grandfather to inspect, only to get smacked on the back of the head…

"Boy, you're going on a Westpac. Where's your pills for motion sickness? What if you get seasick? You don't want to embarrass yourself. Also, where's your condoms? You'll stop in many ports and meet many women. You don't know what they have or don't. Be safe."

The sailor ran to the local pharmacy and bought a bottle of Dramamine and a pack of condoms. He returned to his grandfather and showed them to him.

"Are you going for one day?! That's not enough." said the grandfather, so the sailor went back to the pharmacy and bought 10 more packs of Dramamine and 10 more packs of condoms.

"Are you kidding?" asked the grandfather when he came back. "You're going on a Westpac. That's at least six months."

The sailor ran off to the pharmacy again, and as he walked in, yelled to the pharmacist, "100 more packs of Dramamine, and 100 more packs of condoms!"

The pharmacist looks at him and replies: "Young man, it may not be any of my business, but if she makes you that nauseous, why are you still fucking her?"

"More Navy Pinups"

I’ve got more of those risqué Navy Pin-up gals for you shipmates. I hope you all enjoy …

"Sweet, Sweet, Baby Ruth"

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered …

"Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream …

"Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said …

"Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?"

What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too as she screamed …

"Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!"

… as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Cadbury Egg in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a …

Baby Ruth!