“A Painting Says it All”

At an exhibition, some Navy paintings were displayed to an admiring crowd...

"What a great realist that painter is!"

"What painter?"

"The one that painted this picture 'Sailors at Work'."

"Yes, but something is wrong there. Those sailors aren't working at all!"

"That’s just it, the greatest stroke of genius … the realism in the painting!”

"Shipboard Comic Strips"

Underway on long deployments it could get really drawn out and boredom would set in.  Over the years Sailors had to come up with ways to entertain themselves in these situations. Here are some ship paper comic strips collected from different ships over the years. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have … 

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"Simulated Liberty"

A Boot Sailor came aboard his new ship. He asked one of the older sailors …

“Where’s the booze … where are the women … This isn’t what I was expecting being a Navy Sailor!

The older Sailor says …

We have simulated liberty!”

“What’s that?”

 The young Boot Sailor asked.

“We stand on deck, throw all our money over board, hit our head on the bulk head on the way down to berthing, whip out our Johnson, bang it a few times, then go to sleep. Wake up sore head, sore Johnson, and no money!

… And that’s how we simulate “Liberty” …

"The North Atlantic Squadron"

Sea Shanties have always been work songs sung on ships. They were used to keep rhythm during work and make it more pleasant. The songs were meaningful of a sailor’s life, which included backbreaking labor, alcohol, and longing for girls and dry land. I hope you enjoy this little ditty …

Chorus:

Away, away with fife and drum,
Here we come, full of rum.
Looking for women who peddle their bum
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

When we arrived in Montreal, she spread her legs from wall to wall.
She took the Captain balls and all in the North Atlantic Squadron.

We were seven days at sea, the Captain took to buggery.
His only joy was the cabin boy in the North Atlantic Squadron.

A-sailing up and down the coast, now here's the thing we love the most,
To fuck the girls and drink a toast to the North Atlantic Squadron.

Well, off the coast of Labrador we took on board a floating whore.
We fucked her forty times or more in the North Atlantic Squadron.

A-sailing up to Newfoundland each sailor had his prick in hand.
Oh say, my boys, can you make it stand? in the North Atlantic Squadron.

And when our ship is in dry dock the whores around us all do flock.
It's every man unfurl your cock in the North Atlantic Squadron.


https://www.horntip.com/mp3/2000s/2004_salty_dicks_uncensored_sailor_songs_(CD)/06_the_north_atlantic_squadron.htm

"Retired Old Navy Chief Gets A Job"

A crusty old Navy Chief just retired and was looking for a job in the civilian industry. He came across an ad from the Hotel Astor, they were looking for a driver to transport people from the Pennsylvania Railroad Station to the hotel. The Chief applied for the job and they explained …

“Now this is a hard job. We haven’t been able to keep a driver around for some time. What it entails is picking people up at the train station. All you have to do is when people start getting off the train, yell in a loud voice.....FREE BUS TO THE HOTEL ASTOR.”

… The Chief thought, well that can’t be that hard, I can do this …

So while driving to the train station, he kept repeating to himself ... FREE BUS TO THE HOTEL ASTOR, he didn’t want to mess it up and lose his job on the first day.

Upon arrival of the first train, a huge crowd of people started getting off the train, the old Chief suddenly became very excited and jumped out of the bus while yelling ...

"FREE ASS AT THE HOTEL BUSTER"

 ... I mean ... 

"FREE HOTEL AT THE BUST YOUR ASTOR"

... I mean ... 

"BUST YOUR ASS AT THE HOTEL FREEZER"

... I mean ... 

"FREEZE YOUR ASS AT THE HOTEL BASTARD"

... I mean ... 

"FREE HOTEL ASS BUSTER"

... I mean ...

"KISS MY ASS YOU BASTARDS AND TAKE A STREET CAR ... I QUIT!!!”

"Sailors & Mermaids"

In folklore, a mermaid is an aquatic creature with the head and upper body of a female human and the tail of a fish. Mermaids appear in the folklore of many cultures worldwide, including the Near East, Europe, Asia, and Africa. So it’s no surprise their mythical nostalgia has been linked to Sailors throughout the centuries. Here is a collection of Mermaid cartoons I hope you all enjoy …

"Care Packages"

Once again, another tidbit from our very own “Preacher” Owyn Bradford. I hope you all enjoy the nostalgia …

All right lads, I got a no-shitter for ya. I got a really good care package my mom sent me at Christmastime '66 when I was on Yankee Station. There were some pretty wild girly mags in that box and here's how it happened. She had to go up to Boston on business and stopped in an ... establishment ... in the Combat Zone. Yeah that's right, one of them f**k book stores … LOL!!! She's looking around the racks and the old guy behind the counter gets off his stool and comes bustling over.

"Lady. Lady! You know what kind of store this is?"

My mom looks at him - tattoos all over his arms - and says …

"You ex-Navy?"

"Well...yeah..."

"So am I. First Class. World War II. So's my son a sailor. He's on a carrier on Yankee Station and I'm fixing him up for Christmas. Nothing here I haven't seen before. Nothing here I haven't DONE before. You got a problem?"

Guy shakes his head and goes and sits back down on his stool. Mom gets four mags, pays for 'em and walks out. Yeah there was goodies and pipe tobacco and toiletries ... but those books – WoW!!! She told that story again and again right up to the end of her life. What a sailor! What a woman! LOL …

I was mentioning my mom yesterday and it brought this to mind. ⚓️😁

"Dear Abby"

Dear Abby,

I have a problem. I have two brothers. One brother is a Boatswain in the Navy, the other was put to death in the electric chair for a gruesome multiple murder. My mother died from insanity caused by syphilis when I was three years old. My sisters are prostitutes, and my father sells narcotics to high school students. Recently I met a girl who was just released from prison. She was sentenced for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I want to marry her.

My problem is - if I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother who is a Boatswain Mate?

Signed,   Dilemma

"A Chief's Moral Lessons"

As a Chief in the Navy I had learned a thing or two over the years! Here are a few lessons to keep in mind that you can take home to tell your shipmates …

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

**********************************

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered, "Sure , why not."

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

**********************************

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

“Bullshit” might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

… I hope this helps!!!

"2020 White Hat Pin-Ups"

Pin-ups can be fun and entertaining, and many a sailor enjoy flipping through a nudie book filled with centerfold pin-ups, whether they were blonde, brunette or redhead … the likes of Betty Grable to today’s Emily Ratajkowski, pin-ups have been studied and adored for ages! I hope you like this month’s collection!!!