"Halloween 2020"

 

Happy Halloween Shipmates!!!

2020

“Our Favorite Military Bumper-Stickers”

 

Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything

U.S. Military - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club

U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah

Stop Global Whining

When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine

The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight

Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back

Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!

What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil

Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It

Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon

 

Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume

 

It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden … It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting

 

Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl

 

One-Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support - Go Navy!

 

My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College

“Haul Away Joe”

 

A short-haul shanty. Another popular shanty among modern shantymen. It contains, in my opinion, the best two lines of any shanty or sea song: “When I was a little boy my mother always told me…That if I did not kiss the girls, my lips would grow all moldy.” The rest of the song usually tells about the sailor’s adventures with women of different nationalities until he finds one that’s “just a daisy.” I hope you enjoy …

 

Naow whin Oi wuz a little boy an’ so me mother told me,
‘Way haul away, we’ll haul away Joe!
That if Oi didn’t kiss the gals me lips would all grow mouldy.
‘Way haul away, we’ll haul away Joe!

 

An’ Oi sailed the seas for many a year not knowin’ what Oi wuz missin’,
Then Oi sets me sails afore the gales an’ started in a-kissin’.

 

Oi got meself an Oirish gal an’ her name wuz Flannigan,
She stole me boots, she stole me clothes, she pinched me plate an’ pannikin.

 

Oi courted then a Frenchie gal, she took things free an’ aisy,
But naow Oi’ve got an English gal an’ sure she is a daisy.

 

Oh, King Louis wuz the King o’ France, afore the revolution,
But the people cut his big head orf an’ spoiled his constitution.

 

Oh, once Oi wuz in Oireland a-diggin’ turf an’ taties,
But naow Oi’m on a Limejuice ship an’ a-haulin’ on the braces.

 

Saint Patrick wuz a gintleman, an’ he come of daycent paypul,
He built a church in Dublin town an’ on it set a staypul.

 

From Oireland thin he druv the snakes, then drank up all the whisky,
This made him dance an’ sing an’ jig, he felt so fine an’ frisky.

Yiz call yerself a second mate an’ cannot tie a bowline,
Ye cannot even stand up straight when the packet she’s a-rollin’.

"Too Old?"

 

From an old vet who see things from a different perspective…

 

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 34 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backward.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky bastard is a dangerous bastard. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.'

We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while...

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am.
Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell?

Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys… We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however...

I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

Okay… raise your right-hand no-no dummy your other right hand !!!!

"A Setting For Sea Stories ..."

 

(Click on Picture)

(US Navy Sailor's Mail GIRL IN EVERY PORT 1940-46 Hand Written Letters)

 

"Norfolk - Sailors' Hell Hole" is a complete and original magazine article from the 1950s on the vice and trouble lurking in Norfolk, Virginia, for red-blooded American Sailors. Some great photos accompanied the article including one of a burlesque house with a neon sign for "Girlie Stage Shows". Sailors had no problem finding much to spend their money on. "Joe the shitrag” had plenty of fun with small-time racketeers lining up at every corner from snake oil salesmen to drug pushers and pimps. Norfolk could facilitate all a sailor’s needs. From titty bars to saloons there were all the vices you could handle.  

 (Click on Picture)

(Norfolk Prostitutes, Alcohol, Girls, and Burlesque Shows)

In Norfolk, amongst the bars, brothels, and tattoo parlors they had a place called the Strip Tease Palace. It was the Gaiety Theater, a seedy burlesque house on the notorious East Main Street. It was a place where top-name comedians performed, but only as warm-ups to the real entertainers, the strippers. Seemingly all the young crackerjacks who were alive and breathing snuck in or tried to with fake IDs. And all young women were told by their mothers never to go near the place, but at least a few did anyway. Visits to Norfolk were on a seaman's budget where they were warned by Commanding Officer that the Grandby, East Main corridor were “off-limits!" It was before my day, but it must’ve been a sight to see for a young virtuous sailor who hadn’t experienced life past the boundaries of his own county fair. These are the places our no-shit Sea Stories are made …

 

“Seaman Schmuckatelli Jokes”

We’ve all heard that generic name for a sailor before … similar to “Joe Blow” or “John Q. Public.” Well here are a few Schmuckatelli jokes for you to enjoy!

 

Seaman Schmuckatelli gets mail from home as it lies on his Chief’s table.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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Seaman Schmuckatelli is in the brig and a guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?"

 

… he demands …

"Hanging myself,"

 

… he replies …

"The rope should be around your neck,"

 

… says the guard …

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

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Another Seaman asks Seaman Schmuckatelli …

 

"Why do the divers always fall backward off their boats?"

To which the Seaman Schmuckatelli replies …

 

"If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

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A shipmate told Seaman Schmuckatelli …

 

"Christmas is on a Friday this year."

To which Seaman Schmuckatelli replied …

 

"Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Two Seaman Schmuckatellis found three grenades rolling around on the deck, and they decide to take them to the armory. The first one asked…

 

"What if one explodes before we get there?"

… The other says …

 

"We'll lie and say we only found two."

 ------------------------------

A woman in base housing phoned her neighbor, Seaman Schmuckatelli and said …

"Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are “fooling around.” The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which Seaman Schmuckatelli replied …

 

"Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even home yesterday!

 

------------------------------

A retired Seaman Schmuckatelli is in the bathroom and his wife shouts…

 

"Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers …

 

"Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

(And that's why he retired as Seaman Schmuckatelli)

"Underway or In Port, Sailors Were Always Behaving Badly"

 There were sailors who go to sea drink and consort with women of ill repute. There were sailors who went ashore and occupied the first bar they saw for three or four days straight only to get carried back unconscious by their friendly shore patrol. Yes, there was sight-seeing and shopping and all of the ordinary things a traveler must do, but these pictures catch the other side of sailors … behaving badly underway. I hope you enjoy …

This one epitomizes “off-limits” 

Ice Cold or Room Temperature …

Isn’t she lovely … 

Nothing beats the local entertainment …

Isn’t she beautiful …

Missiles Aweigh my Boys …

Before Political Correctness …

“Get into my Belly” ... Fat Bastard Quote

Sentiments … 

Isn’t she precious …

Dark Alley Rendezvous …

GI JOE … (Greatest American Hero)

This says it all …

(Fin)

“The Nearest Bar”

 

At Quarters, a young boot sailor had heard a lot of commotion about the nearest bar. So he asked a crusty ol’ shipmate,

 

"What's a bar?"

 

The ol’ Salt replies,

 

"It's a low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbor entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud. On shore, it’s made of mahogany or some other dark wood and full of liquor and booze! Sailors can be found in large numbers around both."

October Centerfolds 2020

 Our featured Pin ups for October are the Bombshells by John Gladman. These beauties are striking in uniform and could make any sailor blush. The kind of gals most of you wouldn’t mind having as shipmates. I hope you enjoy …

 

(Fin)