"Memoria Day"

 I hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day. Enjoy the family and time with your kids. But don’t forget to teach the young ones what you are memorializing…

"Gone Fishing"

 A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water. The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in from the water. Then he fished out the general, using an oar. Catching his breath, he puffed …

“Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.”

“Don’t worry.”

… The general said …

“Your secret is safe with me. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”

( Fin ) 

“A Few Good Leaders”

 This is taken from an article from thirty years ago that I cut and pasted together to fit today’s government and military. I hope you enjoy…

It is the year 2027, and a top-secret meeting is going on at the White House…

“What do you have for us?”

President Brandon asks Admiral Drag Queen, chairperson of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

“It is not good news, Mr. President,”

… Admiral Drag Queen reports ...

“One hour ago, India and Pakistan exchanged nuclear warheads. Delhi and Karachi have been obliterated.”

“Anything else?”

… President Brandon asks while stifling a yawn …

“Forty-five minutes ago, Israel was attacked by Scud missiles carrying deadly concentrations of VX nerve gas. The damage is extensive. And 30 minutes ago, China took out the island of Oahu, including the city of Honolulu, with nuclear-armed cruise missiles launched from one of its newest submarines.”

“Do you know aloha means hello and goodbye?”

… President Brandon says, smiling …

“I learned that yesterday.”

Admiral Drag Queen clears her throat …

“Fifteen minutes ago, the European Union moved huge numbers of its troops into the Ukraine. Russia is responding as we speak with chemical, biological and nuclear attacks on all our NATO allies. The alliance is in tatters.”

“Finally, we get to do things our own way.”

… The president says.

“Mr. President,”

… Interjects Ned Truth, director of the FBI,

“Domestic terrorism continues at a high rate. Last night some powerful bombs exploded in downtown shopping districts in Chicago, New York, and Los Angeles. White Supremacy is our greatest threat!”

“Speaking of terrorism,” says Regina Sweetness, director of the CIA, “we lost track of ten tons of plutonium that were being shipped to the U.S. from Ukraine, and the Jalisco Cartel has been known to be hoarding 16 hydrogen bombs and an Aurora II aircraft-delivery system, is on the loose again somewhere in Latin America.”

There is silence in the room as the news Is considered. Then President Brandon speaks up …

“Is that it? Don’t we have any problems besides this boring stuff?”

Army General Jack Pansy Ass raises his hand …

“I thought you would never ask,” he says. “First of all, God bless you, Mr. President.”

“And God bless you, General.”

“Mr. President, | am handing you files on the Army’s top leadership excluding myself with the suggestion that these people be relieved of command immediately.”

“For what cause, General?”

“Sir, all of these men and women, though good warriors have committed some kind of indiscretion against Democracy.”

“Consider it done, General.”

… Says President Brandon ...

“We can't have bad people leading us.”

… He pauses …

“Well, we'll have to rely on the Navy. What is your readiness status, Admiral Drag Queen?

The admiral blushes…

“Mr. President, the Navy is undermanned and we need money.”

“What?”

… The President exclaims …

“The Navy is unavailable.”

President Brandon turns to Air Force General Michael Inclusiveness …

“What about you and your troops, Mike?”

“Mr. President, before I answer that, I have just been handed the news that Istanbul, Turkey has been destroyed by a space-based weapons system.”

“I understand,” says the President, “but what is the Air Force's DEI status, General Inclusiveness?”

“I guess you don’t remember, sir. Executive Order 6969. Otherwise known as the ‘Flyboys Can’t Be Pie Boys and Fly chicks Can’t Be Quick-Fixed’ decision.”

“I signed that document,”

… The president says …

“Executive Order 6969 says that any personnel who do not fit in the parameters of Diversity, Equity or Inclusiveness are to be grounded until further notice.”

“Yes, sir,’

… General Inclusiveness says…

“But there was also Subparagraph Four of that order, which wiped us out.”

“The ‘No White Male clause? The ‘No Conservative’ priority?”

… President Brandon asks ...

“That section grounded most of the Air Force?”

“Yes, sir.”

President Brandon glowers in frustration….

“All right, where is the commandant of the Marine Corps? General Fidelis will take care of our problems immediately, if not sooner.”

“Sir, there are no more Marines!”

… Reginald Integrity, the National Security Advisor, discloses…

“We had to disband them.”

“The leathernecks? Disbanded?”

“Yes, Sir. Remember the Schroeder- Steinem-MacKinnon Report? It said all Marines are bad people, by definition. The USMC was classified as the most sexist, racist, fascist, and horniest military service, bar none. So you said it had to go.”

President Brandon stares out the window at the Rose Garden for a moment …

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he says, “we need highly progressive military leadership. So let me show you my role model for the ideal commander.”

There is a gasp in the room as the president holds up a large photograph of a well-known historical figure …

“This man was as pure as the driven snow in all the ways that matter.”

… The president says ...

“He was a vegetarian. He was basically nonsexual. And this is the key: He was totally faithful to his wife during their marriage. This man should be our symbol of a most progressive military command.”

Reginald Integrity frowns ...

“Mr. President, that man didn't marry his mistress until World War Two was ending. The wedding was held in an underground bunker in Berlin. The next day, he and his bride committed suicide before the Russians could get to them. He never even had time to cheat on his wife.”

“Well, Reggie, you may have me on a technicality, but you'll have to admit that for whatever reason, this guy never committed adultery.”

… President Brandon says while smiling ...

“And when it comes to the highest standards of military leadership, that is the only thing that counts.”

( Fin )

"Fun with the 1MC"

 

When I was in the Navy standing the boring night watch, I  used to get on the 1MC and do a running show for the crew …

“Hello, this is The Shadow speaking. Tonight we will tell you the story of …”

I customarily improvised some filthy story, with the hero slowly being squeezed to death by 37 naked women. One night. | came on for my moment of glory, with my usual opening line …

“Hello, this is the Shadow speaking.”

A split second later, the Skipper's voice came from the bridge and said …

“And this is The Phantom. Shut the fuck up.”

Needless to say. I went off the air promptly and permanently. I could take a hint. 

"Ship Maneuvers"

 

A Navy Captain executed a few fancy maneuvers with his cruiser that had never been taught at the Naval Academy. The Admiral flashed a quick message. When told by the skipper to read it in front of a bridge full of officers, the radioman hesitated…

 

“Read it, damn it!”

 

… The Skipper Barked …

 

“You are the stupidest, most ignorant Son-of-a-Bitch ever put on God’s green ocean!”

 

… The seaman reported …

 

“All right son.”

 

… Retorted the quick-thinking Captain …

 

“Take that below and have it decoded…”

 

 

 

 

"Fitrep Surprise"

 

The Navy writes Evals & Fitreps to rate their sailors on performance as we all know. The following are actual excerpts taken from these evaluations over the years ...

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed with this sailor.

This sailor is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

This sailor reminds me of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

This sailor has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and the rest of my sailors to carry him from bar to bar.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

This sailor should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

The only ship I would recommend this sailor for is Citizenship.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

This sailor is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 

( Fin )

"Man Overboard"

We were conducting flight operations on the carrier off Jacksonville, Florida. The topside Safety Petty Officer on the No. 3 catapult was accidentally blown over the side by the exhaust of a turning F-4 Phantom jet. All those who witnessed the incident thought for sure the man was lost because the flight deck was 65 feet above the ocean. Fortunately, he was rescued by the ship's helicopter. Later that day, I visited him in sick bay... 

"Were you scared?"

 … I asked …

"Scared … I yelled 'MAN OVERBOARD' three times before I hit the water!"

"Navy Communications"

 Communications is a vital part of running the World’s Greatest Navy. Here is a collection of communications cartoons I’ve collected for your entertainment. Enjoy …

 

( Fin )

"May 2023 Pin-ups"

 The dazzling pin-up has been an essential part of holding up the morale of the troops since WWII. Skippers, XOs, and general officers accepted this obsession amongst the troops as it held in their favor. I hope you enjoy this collection for the month of May…

( Fin )