" Good Time Sailors "

 Sailors are always known for having more fun … so much so that we’ve got our own bumper stickers that say so! I hope you enjoy these scallywags as much as they enjoyed themselves!!!

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" Voices "

 

During Bootcamp, a couple of seaman recruits were on watch and were talking in the head, when one of the Company Commanders hollers …

"Why do I hear voices in my head!!!!!"
… One of the Recruits replies …

"Maybe you should go for a psych evaluation!"

Needless to say, things didn’t go well for those two Recruits!!!

 

" Chewing at the Bit "

 

I’ve written much prose over the years about the debauchery of being a sailor and all the highs and lows that come with it. I started running out of ideas on how to compose even more such nonsense so I decided to take a turn and write about some of the lessons I’d learned along the way … Lord knows there were many.

My first six years in the ol’ Canoe Club, I didn’t know shit from shinola. I remember hanging out with sailors who preached about their lack of military bearing while sticking it to the man using the word “fuck” a lot. I know most of you had been there and done that a thousand times. But some things didn’t always click with me when I sat listening, trying to wrestle with the ideas of what was wrong or right.

We can talk about the political correctness that started to rear its ugly head or our so-called leaders punching their ticket to make the next rank as they shit on the lower half of the animal kingdom, but regardless of reason, some lessons got traction in my life and I learned a great deal from them. 

Now I grew up short, left-handed, and born with the funny last name of “Swing.” You can only imagine the thousand or so derivatives made into nicknames from that alone. Not to mention I had a whole slew of “Peanuts” characters for step siblings … Chuck, Linus, and Lucy. That ain’t no shit!

You see, I can relate to that ol’ song by Johnny Cash, “A Boy named Sue.”  I had to navigate through the hardened facts of being a bit different, and it tends to thicken your skin when it comes to a barrage of banter and insult. Not to mention I grew up in a time when it was always repeated …

“Sticks and Stones may break my Bones but words can never hurt me.”

So it never bothered me much when people would call me “Swing-Lo Sweet Cheerio,” or Swing-batta-batta-Swing,” or all the other nicknames associated with the mockery of my surname. It just rolled off my back like water on a frog.  

That brings me to Master Chief Mike Oldknow. Now I was a Second Class Petty Officer at the time, and Master Chief loved to make fun of my last name. Every time I walked in a space …

“Hey, Teeter-Totter Swing or there’s Swing-a-ling-a-Ding-Dong.” 

But it never bothered me. I’d heard it a million times. So I was a little surprised when I got a real ass-chewing that kind of made my asshole pucker a bit.

Working as a Firecontrolman, there are times when some maintenance is shared with the Electronic Warfare guys. I don’t remember exactly what the maintenance entailed, but I had called over the “Bitch Box” to the “EW” shack asking for EW3 Heupal. Heupal had responded that he couldn’t talk right now as I could hear Master Chief’s voice in the background ripping into his crew. Not thinking clearly I responded …

“Is that Master Chief Old Nuts?”

The next response was quite clear and concise …

“Petty Officer Swing! Get your ass to the Ops Office pronto, and don’t stop at “GO” on the way.”

Needless to say, I marched down with my tail between my legs as I knew from the sound of his voice he wasn’t happy.

I walked into the Ops Office with Master Chief standing there, face and neck red and flared with his eyeballs about to bulge out, and before I could get a word in, Master Chief was ripping into me from one end to the other …

“Gauddamn it Swing, who the fuck do you think you are? What makes you think you can get on the Bitch Box and talk to a Master Chief that way? I’m a Guaddamned Master Chief in the United States Navy and you are going to respect me as such … blah, blah, blah …”

This went on for a good five to ten minutes, and finally, he asked me what I had to say for myself…

“But Master Chief, you make fun of my name all the time.”

His face got redder and his eyes bulged even more as he paced back and forth a dozen times trying to figure out what to say. He occasionally pointed at me like he was going to make a point, but stopped himself. I could see he was having a mental conundrum as he tried to figure his way around this one.

Finally, he told me to sit down as he sat in the chair next to me and says …

“Listen Swing, I know I fiddle with your name a lot and you’re always a good sport about it. And quite frankly you’re Oldnuts shenanigan I find kind of funny. But I can’t let that stand in front of everybody. I have to maintain a manner of discipline in that shop and I can’t have you getting in the way of that. It’s something you’re going to have to learn if you want to make it far in this Navy. Do you understand where I’m coming from?”

When he put it in a way I could understand it was like an epiphany. It wasn’t about tit-for-tat, but the big picture in general. When you’re young and dumb, you don’t always see the big picture. That was a good lesson learned.

Master Chief would chew my ass on many occasions. He would say …

“Swing, I chew your ass because I like you and I want you to do well in this here Navy. Just think of an ass chewin as free advice and a lesson learned in life … It ain’t personal.”

I’ll never forget that. I call it “Chewing at the Bit.” It’s just one of many lessons I had to learn along the way…  

" A Great Opportunity "

 

After graduation from boot camp, a young sailor was looking forward to a nice relaxing train ride home. Shortly after the train left the station, a very old woman escorted by her young very pretty daughter was also looking for a seat and asked if they might share the booth with him, which of course he agreed.

After a short time, the sailor spotted his boot camp drill instructor coming down the aisle also looking for a seat. After recognizing the sailor, the drill instructor just helped himself to the seat next to the sailor anxious to meet the pretty young girl. After a long while riding in silence, the train entered a very dark long tunnel. Shortly a loud kiss was heard followed by an obvious painful slap.

After the train exited the dark tunnel, the young daughter was very mortified thinking one of the servicemen chose to sneak a kiss from her old ugly mother instead of her. The mother was enjoying knowing one of the servicemen took the opportunity to steal a kiss from her pretty young daughter.

The young sailor was enjoying seeing the drill instructor's face red while thinking: "What a great opportunity that was, kiss my own arm and slap the hell of my drill instructor and get away with it!"

 

 

" The Drunken Sailor "

 Here’s one for all ye to see. A drunken sailor poem of the life of you and me…

He stood there shouting at the night
At trees and all around
He stood there swaying side to side
A madness man yet proud.

He never lost his footing once
He danced a dance wild mad
I stood there watching for a while
And wondered what thing had
Made him the drunken sailor
Had made him curse the earth
Had made him babble endlessly
How long had he been berthed?

Three years sailing, sailing hard
He had been away
He was just back
Two days ashore
Had made him act this way.

I asked the drunken sailor
Was it grief or loss at sea?
His eyes gazed at me strangely
And looked quite straight through me.

Not grog he said with spitting words
Not grief and, no, not anger
Have side-showed me on solid ground
And made me my own stranger
My sea legs that have gone you see
And though this warm earth's still
I have sway from side to side
It's quite beyond my will
The rolling sea's a bitch you know
More then any lover
You ride and ride and ride it hard
And then, when you recover,
You find the sea now owns your legs
Owns too your salted soul
So, when you are back on dry land
You somehow do not know
How to stop the bucking bitch
How to be becalmed
You stand there screaming at the earth
For it to be aroused.

Without a moving deck, he said
We feel as if we're dead
It's commonplace with sailors
And we become the wrecks.

---

- David Keigh -

" Hand Salute "

 

A Navy Captain and a Lieutenant were walking down the sidewalk on base.  Enlisted personnel approached and saluted the officers,and the officers returned the salute.

The Lieutenant exclaims, "You too".
The Captain wondered what it meant but said nothing. A while later, more enlisted personnel approached and saluted the officers and the officers returned the salute.

The Lieutenant again says, "you too".
For a third time, enlisted personnel neared close and saluted the officers. The officers returned the salute.

The Lieutenant again says, "You too".

The Captain wheels around and asks the Lieutenant, "Lieutenant, what in the hell is this 'you too' business?"

The Lieutenant replies, "Sir, I used to be an enlisted man. I know what those guys are thinking".

 

" Sailors Have More Fun "

 We all know sailors have more fun with a girl in every port and all… Well here are a few toons of sailors trying to play Casanova. I hope you enjoy…

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" Jokes about Jodie "

 

Today the neighbor’s boy across the street asked to borrow my binoculars. I told him I needed them because I was leaving for sea today. He said, “I know!”

When I’m at sea I spend nights looking out my window with binoculars, back at home the neighborhood kids are looking in.

An ugly woman walked into the bar and my friend Jodie bought her a drink. The next day I asked him if that was the ugliest girl he ever slept with? He said “That’s a close call, let me think” then asked me for a picture of my wife.

I tell my wife I want to go to a buffet dinner, she gives me directions to an orgy.

My wife was acting grouchy. I asked if it was because I’d been home for 7 days, and she said “No, it’s that I haven’t had sex in 8.”

My wife only has sex with me when she wants something. Last night she wanted to make Jodie jealous.

I got home from sea and my wife winked at me and said “Tonight all my attention will be on one single guy” I said “I can’t wait” and she said, “Not you, you’re married!”

My wife texted me tonight saying “Come here sailor, the house is empty and I’m wearing a negligee” so I went home and the place was empty.

My wife always wants to talk during sex. Last night she called me from Jodie’s.

My pharmacy has a faulty computer. When I left for sea I had 4 refills left on my Viagra, when I returned four months later I had zero.

I asked my wife if I was a good lover. She said I was one in a million!

My neighbor Jodie called asking if he could borrow some “sexy movies” while I was away at sea. I said “Sure, I’ll bring them over,” he said, “Don’t trouble yourself just tell me how to work the remote.”

My wife is ambitious. She returned to school to get a master’s degree but was thrown out for cheating with the dean.

I came home and my wife surprised me with a brand-new flat-screen tv. I said, “Thanks but how can we afford it?” She used her Hilton Honors points.

My wife keeps taking my Viagra. I said “I didn’t think it worked on women,” She said, “It doesn’t.”

Jodie asked why I was limping and I told him that once in a blue moon, my wife kicks me in the balls while she sleeps. The next day I ran into him at the sports store buying a cup.

In my bedroom, I worry. I think I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

The only place my wife likes having sex is in the backseat of the car, and only if I drive.

My wife met me at the door in a sexy negligee, unfortunately, she was coming home.

This time home I gave my son “the talk”. I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about Jodie.

My wife says we need to ground our son for stealing condoms from our nightstand. So I talk to the kid and he says “But dad” he says “I thought you had a vasectomy?”

( Fin )

" June 2024 Pinups "

 Another beautiful collection of nautical gorgeousness I hope you will enjoy…

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