A Drunk Sailor

A drunk Sailor was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked,

“May I help you, my son?”

“I dunno,”

came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition…

“You got any toilet paper on your side?”

‘Hawaiian Mai Tai… Sex On The Beach… & Prowlers In The Drink’

Well I suppose I should write a no shitter about Hawaii! It was kinda the home away from home and a definite first and last port visit on any deployment!

When I joined the ol’ Canoe Club I had visions of the South Pacific and cute little Island Girls at every Polynesian port! That slick talking, silver-tongued son-of-a-bitch of a recruiter didn’t need to say much to convince me that’s where I wanted to be!! I’m just scratch’n my nogg’n wondering why I never got stationed there!!!

The notion of going to Hawaii conjures up the smell of coconut oil… visions of breezy beautiful beaches… pretty Hula Girls and beach combers with surf boards and ukuleles at every turn. While I was there I got to pinch Hula Girl butts… appreciate the sex on the white sandy beach ((next to the Banyan Tree))… gett’n the Kamonuana Lau tropical flowers around the neck… learn to appreciate the pinapple Mai Tais… wore many an aloha shirt with nekkit lady prints on them… and climbed palm trees like a gaudamned monkey throw’n coconuts at drunk’n shipmates!!!

And then there was…

“What’s up with all the hookers walk’n the street?”

“It’s a Sailor’s delight!”

"The only way you can keep the women away is if you’re queer!"

My first episode in Hawaii was as a messcrank… with a Filipino Senior Chief in charge of the galley! But before liberty went down…

“Bepore you can go on leebirty you must penis your work pirst!”

How the hell do you penis your work?!?!

“Clean… Clean… Clean… damn you mudderpuckers! Clean… Clean… Clean… not good enup!”

Once off the boat it was time to hit the beach and Waikiki was where all the fun was at! There were three ways to get from Pearl to Waikiki… hitch hike, bus, or taxi! There were a million ‘Crackerjacks’ looking to head to the beach so getting a taxi was usually the best bet… cheaper by the dozen!!!

Usually the first stop was Gussie L’amours right off the highway by the airport! You could guarantee some great entertainment rather it be Mud and Oil wrestling… Great Bands… Comedians… or just some great music and drinks!!  The place would let the girlies get up on the tables and dance before Coyote Ugly even thought to make it famous!! The place had that Midwestern Saloon type feel and a great place to meet some vacationers!!

After a good time at Gussies we might have headed out to Hotel Circle in Waikiki for one of the local Squid Bars like Moose McGillicutty's or a fun time at Dukes or the Zanzabar! Mooses was well known for bikini and wet t-shirt contests in those days!! I remember gett’n piss drunk on many a night making routine trips to the bathroom with the long metal urinal standing in rank and file with my fellow crackerjacks chasing cigarette butts back and forth with our pee streams...

Occasionally we might have ran into a hole in the wall joint with one dollar Mai Tais! I got drunker then snot in one of those Tiki Bars… I swear I was see’n three of everything!!!

If we made it that far without gett’n lucky or fall’n out shitfaced drunk there were the titty bars down the road! Crackerjacks love titty bars… go-go dancers… stripper poles… and anything with two boobies attached!!  A personal favorite in the early days was the Lollipop Lounge!! This place was strategically located for crackerjacks like me to discover!! Like any titty bar, it was kind’a dark with the smell of stale whiskey and cigarette smoke mixed with coconut oil the ladies obviously bathed in before each show!! It kinda had that 70’s feel about it with the maroon color carpet and cheesy nylon booths!! I remember one Asian gal that worked there… she was a personal favorite!!! 

And one night in particular somewhere in the beginning of my adulthood in this ol’ Canoe Club I met an Aussie gal on her summer vacation… well it was winter here but summer where she came from! After a night of down’n the hatch with something called Okolehoe that a big friendly Samoan fella had given us in a paper bag for a small price… half lit to the moon we took a stroll from Mooses down Lewers Street until we somehow found our way under a Banyan Tree right next to the Sheridan on the beach!! There we practiced the horizontal mambo for a good hour before a couple of shipmates… ‘Funky Brewster & The Hert Locker’ came stumbl’n over us tripp’n over my pants around my ankles and ass moon shin’n up in the air as I was discover’n the joys of a honey pot from down under… if you know what I mean!! It was kinda embarrassing for the young lady but I gotta admit… I was feel’n like the man of the moment!!!

At this pass’e of any night on liberty it was usually time to head back to the ship half lit at 0500 hours in the morning tripping over every curb… stump… or shrub that happened to find its way into your path! I vaguely remember monkey’n up a palm tree on base pulling coconuts and throw’n  them down at my shipmates… no shit!! Right next to the tennis courts by the sub base!! I’m lucky my dumb ass didn’t fall straight down onto the concrete!!!

Yes there were many other memories of the Hawaiin Excursions… I’ll never forget the 96’ Rimpac when the American A6 Prowler off the Independence was shot down by the Japanese Destroyer Yuugiri during an awry AAW exercise… I remember watching that ship pull into Pearl Harbor the next morning with the Arizona Memorial in the backdrop right about time for ‘morning colors’ think’n to myself…

“Those poor bastards picked the wrong time to pull into port after that incident!!”

Or the trip in 98’ to the Polynesian Culture Center with a couple of my cohorts! I was keen on the idea of visiting one of Elvis Prestley’s favorite movie making spots but had no idea the place was ran by the Mormon Tabernacle… not that it mattered much but when we were commandeered onto a tour of the temple!! I felt like we’d been hornswaggled by these people in some kind of advertisement gig to join the church… it was a bit creepy to say the least!! I thought they were gonna break out the kool-aid and pull a Jim Jones on us… but it wasn’t all that dramatic… just a bit discerning they’d pull some hokey crap like that!!!

But one thing is for certain… Hawaii is one of them laid back kinda places where you can go just about anywhere in a straw hat… t-shirt… and flip flops and it’s considered appropriate attire! It’s one of them ports where every other dame you meet is called ‘Honey Girl’… and when you get back to the ship loaded to the hilt dressed down to your skivvies wondering where you left your clothes…

“I think I left them hang’n on the door at the Outrigger Hotel!”

“Which one?!? There’s a couple three or four dozen Outriggers in Waikiki!!”

“The one with the cathouse on the middle floor… or was that the hotel lobby?!”

Yep… I can still hear the sound of a couple of nonrated deckhands in the portside passageway heralding their return from a night of heavy drink’n and hell spent debauchery on the town with wild hookers and excessive carousing and laughter.

"Well ladies, you missed the fun tonight. There was a mud wrestling contest at Gussies and some guy off the Kinkaid rearranged his jaw with another fella’s fist arguing over a wet t-shirt contest at Mooses!! But we all got a nipple peek off one of those gals!! Great night in Waikiki I might ad!!!”

I’ve always felt sorry for the fellas who hated their time spent in the ol’ Canoe Club… You know the ones who served in Adak, Alaska as a personal yeomen passing out chits for some worthless bastard lieutenant who screwed up to get stationed there! For you fellas, you missed out on the women… the booze… the fouled mouthed good times… and all the memories of a lifetime!! In no other business could you go to far-away lands and far-away places hang’n out in tropical cathouses… smok’n cigars… hook’n up in some dirty tiki bar with a big tittied dame while gett’n loaded and say you’ve been a world traveler… yes… those youthful indiscretions… the world over!!!

An ol’ Salt & His Tattoo

An ol’ Salty Popeye look’n  ‘Crackerjack’ gets home from an overseas tour and his wife, Linda, asks…

 "So what the hell have you been up too while on deployment and why haven’t you called?"

The ol’ Salt replies…

 "I was out sailing the seven seas and getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo?" … she frowned … "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates!"

…he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

… she inquired while shaking her head in disdain!

 "Why on earth would a broke ass sailor get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow…  Two, once in a while I like to play with my money…  Three, I like how money feels in my hand…  And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping and spending every red cent I have to my name… now you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!"

‘Going AWOL’

A ‘Sailor’ ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked…

 "Please, may I hide under your habit? I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Shore Patrol ran up and asked…

"Sister, have you seen a young Sailor around here?"

To which the nun replied…

 "He went that way."

After the Shore Patrol ran off, the Sailor crawled out from under her habit and said…

"I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go on deployment to Iraq!"

To which the nun replied…

"I understand completely."

The Sailor added…

 "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a hairy pair of legs!"

As the nun retorted…

"If you'd looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go on deployment to Iraq either."

‘Crackerjacks… Tattoos… & Nostalgic Odd Body Arts'

Something about ‘Crackerjacks’ and their Sailor Jerry Ole Style tattoos!  Tattooing has been around for many moons but in our society it was usually the bikers… sailors… and soldier types who bared tattoos! If you didn’t fit in one of those categories you must’a been a down trott’n sordid individual in the minds of average Chevrolet and Apple Pie type Americans!! 

Back in the day outside the gate of any American Naval base were wall to wall taverns… titty joints… tailor shops… & tattoo parlors designed explicitly to separate a ‘Crackerjack’s money from his wallet!! To many there was noth’n like gett’n tanked on a fifth of their favorite booze… gett’n inked at their chosen tattoo joint and hang’n out at some squid billy cathouse with women your mother would never approve of!! Every Hooker from Hong Kong… to San Fran… to Norfolk… to Naples could tell how much money you made by how many tattoos you had!!!

When I joined the Navy I pictured a bunch a tough old Sea Dog bastards with their dixie cup pushed back… a pack of ‘Lucky Strikes’ rolled in their T-shirt with nekkit lady pin-up tattoos on their forearms carousing and drinking cheap whiskey speaking fluent bullshit and telling sea stories like nobody else’s business!!!

“Shipmate, here’s a five, go get us a pitcher of beer… I’m thirstier than a hooker on a dry dick!”

“I don’t wanna here about your extra-curricular  activities… just give me the damn money!”

“Say again? Your com’n in D.I.M. …Hahaha!!”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“You know… Dick In Mouth?”

But I must say… I never had a hanker’n for a tattoo! Not because I don’t like them… but ‘cause my Grandpappy told me as a young whipper-snapper never to put something on your body you can’t take away!! Though I gotta tell you I’ve always had an admiration for the artistic skills the tattooists exhibit… never a lack of respect for great tattoos!!!

I’ve seen many a tattoo in my day! There are the Hula Girls… Anchors… Nautical Stars… Mermaids… Pigs… Roosters… Swallows… and your traditional patriotic bits!! But some of these ink designations can become pretty gauddamned bizarre to say the least!!

There was the Seaman on the ‘BAGLADY’ with ‘FYCU’ on his right hand and ‘UOK!’ on his left… mesh his fingers together, and well… you get the idea! I heard of a ‘Crackerjack’ with ‘LTFC’ on one hand and ‘ESUK’ on the other… same idea!!! Something I’m sure he found useful with the bargirls throughout the Pacific… Olongapo, Phuket, Pattaya, Puson… just to name a few!!!

I knew another fella who actually had ‘Your Name’ tattooed along his penis!  He said he heard the joke so many times he figured, “Why the Hell Not?”

Then there was the Chief who had ‘Officer’s Mess’ tattooed across his ass with an arrow pointing to the ol’ sphincter!!!

I even heard of a marine once who had a barber’s pole tattooed to his member… true? I don’t know… but that’s gotta be painful!!!

Hell… then I started see’n women with tattoos on their titties…

“Hell Honey… tattooing your Boobies is like decorating the household television…they're already fun to look at so why the hell you gotta do that?!?!”

Never the less, I’ve seen some pretty awesome art over the years…

But the ones I never really understood were the body piercings!  Some of the shit I’ve seen… you’d have to be tougher than a boarding house steak to endure some of that kinda shit!!!

I’m not talking about the ears… nose… lip rivets or even the nipple handle bars! Those are a dime a dozen these days!! I even knew a fella or two to have a pierced tongue or a ‘Prince Albert’!!

When I was a Chief I had a fella whose ears looked like Buddha’s because he had gauges put in them before he joined the ol’ Canoe Club! Our Master Chief would give me hell about it but he had a waiver in his record… what could you do?!?

But the one that sticks out the most was in the Port of Fujairah in the United Emirates… about 96’ or 97’. While sitt’n in the local Seaman’s Club one of our company… maybe it was ‘Doris’ that Beavis look’n S.O.B. bragg’n about the pierced tongue when a group of Pinoy Merchant Marines were sitt’n across from us over hearing the conversation! One of the older fellas who spoke pretty decent broken English says…

“That’s notting… you see this!”

… and he pulls his junk out! It looked like some medieval meat cleav’n mace from the Dark Ages… the man had evenly spaced lumps all dressed out across his shaft!!

“It good for sex… make you manly man… bumpitty… bump, bump for clitoral stimulation!!”

You gotta be shitt’n me! He said they called it ‘bulitas’!  It’s where they’d cut slits into the shaft of their mutton daggers and put nylon beads in there and sew them back up…

“That’s gotta be UnGodly Painful!!!”

… I remember say’n as we were all a bit dumbstruck! It definitely took the cake!! I’d never seen noth’n like that before… nor do I care too again!!!

But over the years the ol’ Canoe Club has changed its ways!  As society has become more accustomed to tattoos and piercings the Navy has pretty gauddamned all but outlawed them!! First it was noth’n below the wrist… then the elbow… then anything below a short sleeve… then noth’n considered distasteful and up to command interpretation… So if your Commanding Officer just didn’t like you he could have you booted for his own understanding behind the meaning of your tattoo!! And low and behold the powers that be have deemed your tattoo ‘Politically Incorrect’ and you’re damned to a life of shame!!!

I give you this my friends… ask any uptight holier than though pinhead officer to walk into any VFW… sit down have a beer and see just how many of our old veterans have tattoos!! these are our heroes… our forefathers… the ‘Greatest Generation… Legends of our yester’years… the reason we are free today!!!

Nowadays young ‘Crackerjacks’ are only allowed to get Tinkerbell Tattoos on their butt cracks and angels and butterflies where they can’t be shown…yet they can where nipple rings and ear piercings as long as it’s not in uniform and I suppose lipstick… mascara… and a Carmen Miranda head dress with high heels and G-string banana hammocks as too not offend the more sensitive types… I’d used to say they’re try’n to make us all into boy scouts but even they don’t let the ‘Nancy Boys’ serve openly…

Back in the day we lived wild and dangerously… but we were young and proud!! We weren’t squeamish and we had the intestinal fortitude to let our boys live and act like men... we weren’t swept away by the ‘PC’ world and pretend like we all lived on the love boat… we fixed leaks… put out fires… cranked on wrenches and got loaded look’n for Cindy Crawford so we could pinch her on the butt before the night was over!! That’s who we were!!!

Nowadays the ‘Chief’ has to be calm and gentle to the young seaman apprentice…

“Shipmate… let me put this too you gently… DO I HAVE TO TATTOO MY INSTRUCTIONS ONTO THE END OF MY COCK AND FUCK IT IN TO YOU TILL YOU GET IT?!?”

NAAAW… That’s old school and it’d surely get you put in the Brig these days!!!

'A Fine Young Ensign'

A young Ensign had just started his first tour of duty on a newly commissioned ship. He had a great office well equipped with the finest furnishings the Navy had to offer. Sitting there, he saw a ‘Crackerjack’ Seaman come to the office door. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the young Ensign picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big call with the Skipper.

He talked in big Navy terms about OPSEC commitments and yadda… yadda!! Finally he hung up and asked the Seaman…

 "Can I help you?"

The young Seaman said…

"Yes Sir, I’m the ICman who’s come to activate your phone lines."

‘A Fire Breathing Porcupine Doused In Habaneros Sauce Kind’a Thing’

Twenty-Three years in the ol’ Canoe Club and you develop many a reason to find yourself on the binnacle list!  The daily litany of physical complaints can range from the applicable drip-drop  clap on clap off variety… ie that’s why they call them ‘Pecker Checkers’…  to a nasty case of hazmat induced mechanized dandruff or even that lingering case of crotch rot…

 "Doc, I've got this chronic itch, can you help me out?"  

Or…

“Doc, why does it hurt when I pee???”

Had a situation soooo bad on the ‘Chucky ‘V’… It was some time in 91’… I ended up with the Muther  of all pains in the ass… A good ol’ case of the Hemorrhoids!!  I’m not talk’n about your run of the mill bloody stool type… but the pissed off fire breathing porcupine doused in habaneros sauce kind’a thing!!!  I remember it was like I had this golf ball size jalapeno grow’n outta the side of my chocolate starfish!! After a day or two of try’n to pry shit outta my ass around that big hanker’n hemorrhoid… using toilet paper was like an aggravated assault on the ol’ sphincter… and it was enough to make a grown man cry!! It felt like when I’d shit I’d shits glass and when I sat down… well, I couldn’t sit down… that was part of the problem!!! 

So I headed down to medical to get the ol’ Rubber Glove Treatment… and there in the doorway stood HMC…

“How’s it going Chief?”

To that he replies…

"Lights, cables… pipes… the overhead... and a bird’s pussy when it flies!!"

So I commence to telling the ‘Duty Dick Doc’ what my problem was…

“Just sit tight and the Doctor will be in as soon as HN Umptysquat takes your blood pressure and temp..”

Sit Tight… Really???

So after the typical arm pump and oral temp indicator… the Doctor comes in and proceeds to ask me…

“When was the last time you dropped a deuce?”

“Uuuuhmmm, yesterday…”

“So you been float’n any air bisquits today?”

“Yeah…why?”

“How did it feel?”

“It felt like I was try’n to shit Hot Chilies through chicken wire… and it burns someth’n fierce!” 

“Well then… I guess we’d better get on the stick!”

That’s not the terminology you want coming outta the Doc’s mouth at this moment!!

Fllllurp…snappp!! …Fllllurp…snappp!!  On with the rubber gloves!!!

This Doc had to have the biggest Gauddamned hands of all the medical types onboard!!!

“Now drop your trousers and bend over the bench… let’s take a look here… WHOOA!!!”

As he’s spread’n my ass cheeks apart… then he began to feel around like he was tugg’n on a piece of barb wire com’n outta my ass…

“Yep, you gott’a hang’n hemorrhoid alright! Looks like we may have to cut this one off!!”

“What?? That sounds painful Doc… Haven’t you got any lube or anesthetics I could use??”

“Go ahead and get your drawers on… and I’ll get you a prescription!!

Damn… felt like I’d just finished a gauddamned rodeo on top a giant sea urchin!!!

The Doc comes back in the room…

“Eat lots of fiber so you don’t irritate the hemorrhoidal tissue and if the swelling doesn’t go away in a few days then we’ll have to cut them off!”

So he hands me a laxative… and Anesthetic Ointment for my poopshoot… and some nasty generic military milspec metamucil powder in a can called psyllium and dated from 1960 to drink three or four times a day!! I gotta tell you that shit tastes… that shit tastes like shit!! That’s all I gotta say about that!!!

Fast forward a couple days later… and you know how us ‘fellas’ are about taking a good dump!!  I sat down in the head knowing I had one hell of a deucer coming on… felt like a Lincoln Log had burrowed its way down my intestinal track!! This was quite the toilet excursion… the ‘Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead’ kind’a shit house outing!!!

After finishing with an effortless splashdown I got up and looked back at my masterpiece only to find… Giant, Curled, Floating Logs the size of miniature French Bread rolling around in the shitter!!! I was ecstatic and relieved at the same time!!!

There was no way in hell I was flushing those monsters until someone laid witness!!!

Sooo… there I was running out into Berthing with my pants half way down my legs…

“Guys, Guys… you gotta check this shit out!! No… Really… You gotta check it out!!!”

Amidst all the turmoil… about half a dozen ‘Crackerjacks’ gathered around the shitter to witness my grand achievement!! Astounded… amazed… confused… utterly speechless… what do you say when someone brags about their shit!?!?

Like George Carlin once said…

“Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids??”

“Why…” 

And that my friends is a No Shitterrr… or is it!?!?

Can’t remember where I found this one… but it pretty much ideally picture what many of us thought as a young ‘Crackerjack’…

Kinda' How I remember things as a young 'Crackerjack'...

Happy Birthday America and may God bless you and those that sail today over… on… and under God’s Great Oceans… places far, far away!!!