" Merry Christmas "

 

" Sharkfoolery "

 

An old sailor who’d had his leg bitten off by a shark many years earlier was complaining to his shipmates …

“My wooden leg sure gave me a lot of grief last night.”

“Oh, we’re sorry to hear that.”

… said his shipmates …

“What’s the problem?”

“Blimey, nothing’s wrong with the leg. It’s just that my wife kept hitting me over the head with it.”

" Limericks of the High Seas "

 

There once was a sailor named Xavier,

Who cared not for God or his savior:

He walked on the decks,

Displaying his sex,

And locked in the brig for indecent behavior.

 

There once was a sailor named Willy,

Who acted remarkably silly:

At the all-Navy Ball,

Dressed in nothing at all,

He claimed he was downright chilly.

 

There was an over-sexed lady named Whyte,

Who fucked dozens of sailors a night:

A seaman named Ledbetter,

Decided to Wed her,

His chance of survival is slight.

 

There once was a sailor from Racine,

Who bought a fucking machine:

Both concave and convex,

It would fit either sex,

With attachments for those in between.

 

There once was a young maiden named Rose,

With erogenous zones in her toes:

She remained unorgasmic,

Till a foot-fetishistic,

Young sailor became one of her beaus.

 

Skipper’s wife was removing her scanties,

Heard them crackle electrical shanties:

Said her husband, “My dear,

I very much fear,

You suffer from amps in your panties.”

 

There once was a girl from Samoa,

Who said to a sailor named Noah:

“You can kiss me and squeeze me,

But remember to please me,

I’m allergic to spermatozoa.”

 

( Fin )

“The Many Things You Can Spell With The Periodic Table”

 

One thing you can say about the nuclear Navy … most nukes are somewhere on the spectrum. Somewhat brilliant but a little bit out there, or eccentric in their own way.  I have a friend who was a nuke on the Chucky “V” who sent these to me. It’s a list of things you can spell from the chart of “Periodical Elements.” I guess he felt my blog was as good a place as any to post this sophomoric gear adrift. So as usual, I’m happy to oblige…  

“The Many Things You Can Spell With The Periodic Table”

1. PoRn BaBeS

2. BrOThAs N HoS

3. TiCKLiSH PuSSY

4. SUCK ThIS BiTcH

5. BOMb AsS PuSSY

6. KrlsS KRoSS VS SlAYEr (note - Slayer would totally win)

7. GeTTrUNGdRuNK AsS

8. SiP LuCKY LaGeR fUCKErS

9. SUPErCaLiERaGeLiSTiCeXePJAIAtOCiOUS-FUCK!

10. PErAtEs LuV BeEr

11. ThIS LiST iS ThE sHIT

12. AJCoHOLiCS BoNe CaLiFOrNiAs BeST hOOKErS

13. PAcK PHAt PIPEs

14. NASTi AsS BiTcHeS WasTe BeEr

15. GeT mORe PuNaNi YOU PUNK AsS BiTcH

16. SeX eVErY BiTcH UP

 

As a Bonus, The Top Five Porn Flicks

1) CuM gUSSLiN HoEs

2) Au NAtURaL: No LuBe

3) HoEs ReCoGeNISe

4) Pu Pu BOOTi CA1L

5) Bi PoRn: LuBe RaCe

This is juvenile and seriously demented, and I don’t know why I laugh when I see this list. But back when I turned fifty, my kids gave me a birthday card that said if I hadn’t grown up by now, I don’t have to … so there you go! 

" More Navy Toons "

 Here are a few arbitrary “Navy Toons” I thought my shipmates could enjoy. I hope you appreciate them …

( Fin )

“ Top Ten Ways to Get to Know Your Shipmates “

 We all know how difficult it can be to acquaint ourselves with new shipmates. Here are a few tricks of the trade I’ve picked up… some from working in the Master-at-Arms office filling out report chits to even my own personal experiences. I hope this list helps in your personal endeavors…

1. Break into their locker and look through all their shit.

2. Play the "Where’s the shitcan... I'm drunk again" game at 0400 in the berthing.

3. Dose their gedunk with methamphetamine … that'll get them talking.

4. Keep asking emphatically if anyone wants to play Strip Poker.

5. Walk around butt ass nekkit in berthing while admiring your penis in the mirror.

6. Blow up different colored condoms and decorate his / her rack.

7. Incessantly talk about Ping-Pong shows in Thailand or Donkey shows in Tijuana.

8. Masturbate vivaciously butt nekkit in your rack with the light and curtains wide open.

9. Keep saying things like “Gee, it sure would be nice to get some healthy man-loving tonight…” just before Taps.

10. Wake them up at Reveille with your skivvies down around your ankles and butt cheeks spread pretending to talk out your ass and say, “From one asshole to another, it’s time to wake up.”

( Fin )

" December 2023 Nostalgic Pinups "

 Once again we deliver a group of pinups for the new month. I hope you like this collection of classy vintage pinups from the past. It’s enough to make any ol’ salt’s heart go pitter-patter …

( Fin )

" GUANTANAMO BAY "

 

At Guantanamo Bay, we're confined to our quarters;

We’re scratching, and swearing, and waiting for orders;

We're watching the harbors; we're counting the wrecks; And we're wondering which we'll be shipping on next.

At Guantanamo Bay — call her Gitmo for short —

Not much of a base, much less of a port.

One look at the docks, and you know that you're seein', The Goddamnedest hole in the whole Caribbean.

So hurrah for Old Gitmo on Cuba's fair shore;

The home of the cockroach, the flea, and the whore. We'll sing her fair praises and pray for the day We'll get the hell out of Guantanamo Bay.

Here you pay twenty cents for a bottle of beer; They call it Hatuey, and it tastes mighty queer. There's an Indian chief on the label to show The Indian sign makes you go, go, £o, go.

Guantanamo City has hundreds of doors,

And each one's jammed up with hundreds of whores. They hang from the windows with stark naked chests ۔‎ And knock out your brains with low-hanging breasts.

Well, the boys in my outfit are workin' a plan. We're savin’ each nickel and dollar we can,

And we'll buy T.N.T. and one sunny day

We'll blow up this Goddamned Guantanamo Bay.

 

" A Young Sailor "

 

A young sailor and a few of his shipmates were at a bar when a pretty woman in her mid-50s sent over a drink and introduced herself. Having never been hit on by a cougar before, the young sailor was happy to let her buy him a few more drinks. Throughout the evening the woman made it clear that she wanted him to go home with her.

At first, the man was reluctant, but his shipmates encouraged him. In a final attempt, the woman offered him some mother-daughter action if he would join her. Excited, he accompanied her home, and they soon began to kiss passionately on the couch. Looking around for the daughter and not seeing anyone, the young sailor asked …

 

“Aren’t you forgetting someone?”

The woman apologized, walked over to the bottom of the stairs, and yelled up ...

 

“Hey, Mom, I’ve got one!”

" More Crazy Sailor Shenanigans "

 Every now and again I see some great pics posted by various shipmates from over the years and add them to my collection of crazy sailor’n shenanigans. I hope you enjoy this collection…

( Fin )