"Happy Halloween 2022"

Here are some ghoulish Sailor’n jokes for you nautical salts out there. I know they’re littered with more candy corn than a trick-or-treat bag, but I hope you enjoy the creativity…

 

What do you get if you cross a ghost with a sailor?

A sea-ghoul!

 

If you're booing right now, then our work here is done — and not because we made you groan over our so-bad-but-good Halloween jokes, but because this is exactly what you're supposed to be doing on Halloween…

 

Who's in charge of the candy corn?

The kernel.

 

Why did the Headless Horseman join the Navy?

He wanted to get a-head in life.

 

What did the ghost say to the Corpsman when he went to medical?

I got a boo-boo.

 

Did you hear about the zombie sailor who took a nap?

It was dead tired.

What do ghostly sailors drink?

Ghoul-Aid.

 

Sailors go to bars looking for booze. Ghosts go to bars looking for boos…

 

Why don’t ghost sailors shower?

It dampens their spirits.

 

Like sailors, zombies too have pick-up lines …

“Hey Babe, you’re drop-dead gorgeous.”

 

Why did the zombie sailor go to Captain’s Mast?

He missed his dead-line.

 

Why do witches and sailors both drink beer?

They both like a good brew…

( Fin )

"Semaphore"

 

Few people outside the military know what a Navy Quartermaster does (several duties include the watch-to-watch navigation and the maintenance of nautical charts and navigational instruments as well as duties that used to be part of the Signalman rating: visual communications).

So during my aircraft carrier's Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore. I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat. When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked…

"Now do you know what I do?"

"Yes!"

… she answered …

"You're a cheerleader."

“A Union Man”

 This one comes from a shipmate who went by the name of Moose Espenschied off of the De Haven from way back in the day. I hope you enjoy …

 

Everyone knows the kind of officers we had, some good, some bad.

Well, we went alongside the tender. The chief wanted to send some gauges over to be checked and calibrated.

I went on the beach and the gauges were sent over by the duty machinist mate. He sent half of the union with them.

Back came the gages several days later, with no union half.

The Assistant Engineering officer came down (Mr. White) and asked, "Espenschied, the captain wants to know if the forward engine room is ready to get underway?"

I answered, "No. The gages that were sent to the tender for calibration, came back without their half of the union. I sent a man over to get them and as soon as he returns in about 30 minutes, we will be ready to light off and get underway.

Mr. White stood there a few minutes and then asked, "Espenschied, what is a union?"

I could not help myself and said, "AFL-CIO you know."

With that, he went up the ladder and reported to the captain. Soon I had a call from the captain telling me in so many words to stop picking on Jr. officers.

( Fin ) 

"Aviation Cartoons"

 If you’re a Navy “Airhead” you might enjoy these cartoons I’ve put together. Enjoy…

( Fin )

"Navy Birthday"

Here's a Navy Birthday joke I hope you all can enjoy from back when men were made of iron and ships were made of wood...

Back in 1775, in the “The Ol’ Tavern,” recruiting started for the newly formed Continental Navy. The very first Sailor enlistee came in, signed the papers, and took his oath. He was then told to go outside and wait for the other enlistees to go through the process, after which they would assemble in the front yard.

After a few minutes, the second enlistee came out and had a seat on the steps next to the first. The first sailor looked at the second and began…

“Son, let me tell you about the old Navy!”

( Fin )

"Guys We Can Do Without & Landlubbers Don't Live"

During World War II, there were plenty of life threatening hazards aboard the ship that could get a shipmate into trouble. Not only did the enemy present himself as your potential demise, but a haphazard shipmate could do the same. Here we have the “Guys we can do without” art series that was used for training throughout the fleet…

 

The U.S. Navy also had another series of training posters called “Lubbers Don’t Live”. These posters usually starred Whistlin’ Joe who could go overboard with a swish.

“Oh heed the fate of Whistlin’ Joe!”

“Forgot the lifelines were so low.”

“Back home the WAC’s were his pet rave.”

“But he went overboard for a WAVE!”

( Fin )

 

“The Missing Chief”

 

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II.

When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said…

“You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor.”

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the Commanding Admiral returned and said…

You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?”

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said…

“Which of you idiots ate the Chief?”

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied…

“You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, and even one Commander and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!”

"I Wanted Wings"

 

This little gem of a shanty was pulled from the USS Coral Sea 71-72 VMA 224 Song Book. This was official. I hope you enjoy the lyrics as much as I do…

 

I wanted wings, ‘til I got the Gauddamned things;

Now I don’t want them anymore.

They taught me how to fly, then they sent me off to die;

I’ve had a belly full of war.

 

You can save the 57’s for someone who hopes for heaven;

Distinguished Flying Crosses do not compensate for losses, Buster!

I wanted wings, ‘til I got the Gauddamned things;

Now I don’t want them anymore.

 

Yes, I’ll take the dames, let the rest go down in flames;

I have no desire to be burned.

Guided Missiles hold romance, ‘til they shoot holes in your pants;

I’m not a fighter I have learned.

 

You can save the Gauddamned truckers for some other mother-fuckers;

I’d rather make a woman than be shot down in a Grumman, Buster!

I wanted wings, ‘til I got the Gauddamned things;

Now I don’t want them anymore.

 

I am tired of all the tricks, in an “Iron Bird” A6;

That’s for the eager, not for me.

I don’t trust in my vest, to save me like the rest;

After I’ve crashed into the sea.

 

I’d rather be a terrier, than a flyer off a carrier;

With my hand around a bottle, you can keep your Gauddamned throttle, Buster!

I wanted wings, ‘til I got the Gauddamned things;

Now I don’t want them anymore.

 

I’d rather date a pig than to hassle with a MIG;

SAM’s always make me lose my lunch.

I get an urge to pray, when they holler, “SAM’s AWAY!”

I’d rather be at home with all the bunch.

 

For there’s nothing you can laugh off, when they shoot your tailpipe half-off;

Oh, I’d rather be home Buster, with my tail than with a Cluster, Buster!

I wanted wings, ‘til I got the Gauddamned things;

Now I don’t want them anymore.

 

They feed us lousy chow, but we stay alive somehow;

On dehydrated eggs and milk and stew.

The rumor has it next, they’ll be dehydrating sex;

And that’s the day I’ll tell the coach I’m through.

 

For I’ve managed all the dangers and the shooting back of strangers;

But when I come home at night, I want to my women tight, Buster!

I wanted wings, ‘til I got the Gauddamned things;

Now I don’t want them anymore.

( Fin )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uC-8vPJo9OE 

By Oscar Brand

"The Sailor's New Mustache"

 Short and baby-faced, Wiggins had trouble being taken seriously in the Navy.  A mustache, he assumed, would fix that, but he was wrong.

 "Wiggins!"

 … Bellowed his Chief after spotting the growth during Quarters for Muster & Inspection ...

 "What's so special about your nose that it's got to be underlined?"

( Fin )

"October 2022 Pin-ups"

 Here are some Beauties for my shipmates to adore. I hope you appreciate these magnificent October Pin-ups! Enjoy …  

( Fin )