“ The difference between Complete and Finished ”

 

Chief walked into the work center and asked how the weekly maintenance was going. The young Petty Officer says …

“We’re finished for the week, Chief.”

… The Seaman in the corner says …

“Yeah, we completed everything.”

Chief looked at them and asked …

“Shipmates, do you even know the difference between Complete and Finished? When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished'. And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished!”

" Can't Take Away My Birthday "

Due to a minor infraction, a sailor aboard a ship bound for Japan was demoted one rank, fined, and assigned extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the International Date-Line …

And it was July 23.

 

" Jumper Flaps "

 

A sailor walks into a bar to meet up with a shipmate. His shipmate notices that the flaps of his jumpers are half-unbuttoned and hanging over. He says …

“Your jumper pants are unflapped. You might want to button it up and fix that.”

“No, not today. My girlfriend just passed away, and it’s at half-mast in her memory…”

" How Many A$$holes We Have On This Ship "

The new Ensign checks onboard and is heading to meet with his Division at morning Quarters. A young sailor passes by and doesn’t bother to salute…

“Hey Chief, who was that guy?”

 “Oh, He’s an Asshole Sir.”

“I know that. What’s his name?”

“That’s his name Sir. Asshole, Seaman Asshole.”

“And that guy over there?”

“That’s Gunnersmate Phillips First Class Asshole.”

“How many Assholes doe we have on this ship anyhow?”

… The whole Division yells out …

“ Yo Ho !!! “

“I knew it. I’m surrounded by Assholes!”

 

  

" Sailor Walks into a Bar "

 

A sailor walks into a bar to meet up with a shipmate. His shipmate notices the flap to his jumpers are half unbuttoned and hanging over. He says …

“Your jumper pants are unflapped you might want to button it up and fix that.”

“No, not today. My girlfriend just passed away and it’s at half-mast in her memory…”

" Going AWOL "

 

Fifty years ago, James Cardamom, a northwest Georgia native, enlisted in the United States Navy.

On his first day in basic training, the Navy issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Navy barber shaved off all his hair.

On his second day in basic training, the Navy issued James a toothbrush. That afternoon, the Navy dentist yanked four wisdom teeth.

On his third day in basic training, the Navy issued James a jock strap.

As of today, the Navy has been looking for James for 50 years.

" Sailor on Liberty "

A sailor was on liberty in San Diego and got picked up by the Police for being drunk and for vagrancy. The Cop took him off to the Night Court Judge.

The judge reviewed the case and said to the sailor…

"I can understand you getting arrested for being drunk but for vagrancy, I find that hard to believe. I know that your Commanding officer would have ensured you had money before leaving the ship. Would you like to explain just what you did with your money?"

The sailor wobbled up to the bench and said …

"Well you see your Honor, I spent most of it on Booze, and Babes.  The rest of it, I just wasted."

 

" Voices "

 

During Bootcamp, a couple of seaman recruits were on watch and were talking in the head, when one of the Company Commanders hollers …

"Why do I hear voices in my head!!!!!"
… One of the Recruits replies …

"Maybe you should go for a psych evaluation!"

Needless to say, things didn’t go well for those two Recruits!!!

 

" A Great Opportunity "

 

After graduation from boot camp, a young sailor was looking forward to a nice relaxing train ride home. Shortly after the train left the station, a very old woman escorted by her young very pretty daughter was also looking for a seat and asked if they might share the booth with him, which of course he agreed.

After a short time, the sailor spotted his boot camp drill instructor coming down the aisle also looking for a seat. After recognizing the sailor, the drill instructor just helped himself to the seat next to the sailor anxious to meet the pretty young girl. After a long while riding in silence, the train entered a very dark long tunnel. Shortly a loud kiss was heard followed by an obvious painful slap.

After the train exited the dark tunnel, the young daughter was very mortified thinking one of the servicemen chose to sneak a kiss from her old ugly mother instead of her. The mother was enjoying knowing one of the servicemen took the opportunity to steal a kiss from her pretty young daughter.

The young sailor was enjoying seeing the drill instructor's face red while thinking: "What a great opportunity that was, kiss my own arm and slap the hell of my drill instructor and get away with it!"

 

 

" Hand Salute "

 

A Navy Captain and a Lieutenant were walking down the sidewalk on base.  Enlisted personnel approached and saluted the officers,and the officers returned the salute.

The Lieutenant exclaims, "You too".
The Captain wondered what it meant but said nothing. A while later, more enlisted personnel approached and saluted the officers and the officers returned the salute.

The Lieutenant again says, "you too".
For a third time, enlisted personnel neared close and saluted the officers. The officers returned the salute.

The Lieutenant again says, "You too".

The Captain wheels around and asks the Lieutenant, "Lieutenant, what in the hell is this 'you too' business?"

The Lieutenant replies, "Sir, I used to be an enlisted man. I know what those guys are thinking".

 

" Jokes about Jodie "

 

Today the neighbor’s boy across the street asked to borrow my binoculars. I told him I needed them because I was leaving for sea today. He said, “I know!”

When I’m at sea I spend nights looking out my window with binoculars, back at home the neighborhood kids are looking in.

An ugly woman walked into the bar and my friend Jodie bought her a drink. The next day I asked him if that was the ugliest girl he ever slept with? He said “That’s a close call, let me think” then asked me for a picture of my wife.

I tell my wife I want to go to a buffet dinner, she gives me directions to an orgy.

My wife was acting grouchy. I asked if it was because I’d been home for 7 days, and she said “No, it’s that I haven’t had sex in 8.”

My wife only has sex with me when she wants something. Last night she wanted to make Jodie jealous.

I got home from sea and my wife winked at me and said “Tonight all my attention will be on one single guy” I said “I can’t wait” and she said, “Not you, you’re married!”

My wife texted me tonight saying “Come here sailor, the house is empty and I’m wearing a negligee” so I went home and the place was empty.

My wife always wants to talk during sex. Last night she called me from Jodie’s.

My pharmacy has a faulty computer. When I left for sea I had 4 refills left on my Viagra, when I returned four months later I had zero.

I asked my wife if I was a good lover. She said I was one in a million!

My neighbor Jodie called asking if he could borrow some “sexy movies” while I was away at sea. I said “Sure, I’ll bring them over,” he said, “Don’t trouble yourself just tell me how to work the remote.”

My wife is ambitious. She returned to school to get a master’s degree but was thrown out for cheating with the dean.

I came home and my wife surprised me with a brand-new flat-screen tv. I said, “Thanks but how can we afford it?” She used her Hilton Honors points.

My wife keeps taking my Viagra. I said “I didn’t think it worked on women,” She said, “It doesn’t.”

Jodie asked why I was limping and I told him that once in a blue moon, my wife kicks me in the balls while she sleeps. The next day I ran into him at the sports store buying a cup.

In my bedroom, I worry. I think I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

The only place my wife likes having sex is in the backseat of the car, and only if I drive.

My wife met me at the door in a sexy negligee, unfortunately, she was coming home.

This time home I gave my son “the talk”. I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about Jodie.

My wife says we need to ground our son for stealing condoms from our nightstand. So I talk to the kid and he says “But dad” he says “I thought you had a vasectomy?”

( Fin )

" Navy Maternity "

 I REALIZED just how fully a Navy friend of mine had been indoctrinated in antisubmarine warfare when I asked him whether he knew the sex of the baby his wife was expecting. 

"We believe it's a boy," he answered, "but that analysis is based solely on low-confidence acoustic intelligence."

"He means," his wife clarified, "I had a sonogram."

" Ten Commandments & Chain of Command "

 

From a Biblical sense, can you imagine what would have happened if the Ten Commandments had to be reviewed and approved up the chain of command? If that happened, we would have Ten Commandments, Thirty-Four Amendments, and two court martials contending violations of the Uniform Code of Military Justice! 

" Westpac Widow "

 

The Urban Dictionary defines the Westpac Widow as A US Navy wife who fucks around with other men while her man is out on deployment. Here’s a little poem I found on the Westpac Widow…

She stands on the pier with tears in her eyes;
His ship sails away while she waves her goodbyes;
She clasps her hands and gives them a wring;
Then tugs at her finger and twists off the ring
She slips in the clutch she wears at her side;
Having glistened her lips, she smacks them wide;
Adjusts her jewels and straightens her smock;
Her eyes now gleaming she turns back the clock
And returns to the bar where she learned how to deal
With young drunken Sailors copping a feel;
She runs to her car and looks in the window,
She looks just fine she’s a Westpac Widow.

 

It’s seven o’clock and time to get ready;
He looks in the mirror and holds his gaze steady;
Now raising the comb he sights down his part,
But stops and smiles, he’s always the star;
He picks up a ruler to measure the gap
Between his front teeth, he’s Italian you know;
He swings into action and dons his gold trinkets,
They flash in the light against his bronze neck;
Dabs on cologne and unbuttons his shirt
He’s ready to go, he’s smooth as a flirt;
One last look at the fine work of his tailor,
And it’s off for the bars, he’s a Westpac Sailor.

 

She’s home all alone, her daddy’s deployed,
Mommy’s gone out, to play with the boys;
It’s nearly bedtime and she looks at the jar
In the kitchen nook, by the breakfast bar;
It’s full of sweets, one hundred eighty inside,
Candy kisses from daddy, one for each night
He’s away overseas, for country and God,
And for family, too, in case he forgot;
While mommy’s away, and daddy’s deployed,
She looks at his picture and hopes that the void
In her heart will somehow bear the distance between,
Her and daddy, she misses her king.

 

 ( Fin )

" Surely You Got a Vase "

 

0n impulse, a young Seaman Schmuckatelli stopped at the flower shop and bought a dozen roses for his girlfriend. When he handed them to her, she immediately pulled off all her clothes and leaped onto the couch…

“This will be for the flowers,”

… She announced, stretching out enticingly.

“Oh, come now,” said Schmuckatelli. “Surely you've got a vase somewhere in this apartment.”

 

" A Shipwrecked Sailor "

 

A shipwrecked Sailor was marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman pinscher for companions. Before long the two animals grew quite attracted to each other. All went well until the man became unbearably horny and made a move for the ewe, which pissed off the dog. Baring its fangs, the Doberman placed itself between the sheep and the ornery sailor.

Days later, spotting a raft on the horizon, the sailor swam out and found a beautiful girl onboard. He took her ashore and for the next few weeks, he fed and comforted her.

“You’ve been so good to me and I’d do absolutely anything to show my gratitude.”

“Would you?”

The Sailor asked with a broad grin on his face. He excitedly unfastened the length of rope that held up his ragged pants and handed it to the girl.

“Here.”

… He muttered …

“Use this as a leash and take that damn dog for a long walk!”

" Sailor Drunk "

 

A drunk Sailor just came aboard from a hard night of liberty.  Soon after coming aboard, he discovered he had to take a piss in the worst kind of way…

He ran across a shipmate and politely asked him where the closest head was. He was told to go down the passageway and turn left, open the hatch, go down three steps and he’d find the shitters.

The drunken Sailor thanked his shipmate and started down the passageway. But instead of turning left he turned right, and fell 25 feet over the edge and down into the drink. He looked around, pulled out his pecker and rumbled …

“Fuck those other two steps. I’m pissin’ right here.”

 

" The Misses "

 

Four Sailors were sitting in a pub discussing their sex lives. The first man says …

“I sleep with my wife once a month.”

… The second says …

“Twice a month for me.”

“I do it once a week,”

… says the third Sailor …

“That’s nothing,” says the fourth Sailor, “I’m at it every day.”

The first Sailor cries …

“But you’re not even married!”

“I know,” says Sailor number four. “I thought we were talking about your wife!”

" MEPS "

 

I’ll never forget the day I showed up at MEPS. I arrived at the entrance as they scurried me away to the medical facilities. The nurse took one look at me and said…

“Okay, Buddy, you’ll find a seat on the other side of the swinging doors.”

Before I knew it, I was getting a physical. They put me on a table and covered me with a white gown that had my ass hanging out the back end. As I sat there, the room filled up with several other prospects joining different branches of the service. An old codger of a doctor walks in, walks up to me and covers my face. I said …

“I’m not dead. I just want to join the Navy.”

… To which he said …

“Okay, jump up and down on one leg.”

So I jumped up and down on one leg. Then they started to examine me. What an examination it was… as they put a Doctor at one ear and a Doctor at the ear, look through your head to see if they can see each other, if they can, you out … disqualified! Then the Doctor said to me …

“Do you believe in the hereafter?”

“Of course I do, Doc…”

… He said …

“Good, from here on, you’ll need some faith!”

Then they sent me to see a classifier… the one who helps me pick out my job. I was to become a Firecontrolman.

“What the hell is a Firecontrolmen? Do I put out fires?”

“No actually quite the opposite. You start them.”

And ever since I had told family and friends that I joined the Navy to be a fire starter. You’d never believe the looks of confusion on their faces.

I went to ‘Great Mistakes’ for Bootcamp. Never did I realize just how great the barracks would be, with tiled floors that we stripped and waxed on a daily basis. That’s a lot of wax … and I learned about buffer rodeos too. Then there was the Navy Chow! They say nothing is too good for the Navy, and that includes the chow. Because that’s what I ended up eating… nothing. After eating that food I finally found out what G.I. stands for …

“Got Insurance?” 

( Fin )

" Recruiting "

 

The Navy Recruiter was prospecting a potential applicant …

“For this job, we want a responsible young man.”

… To which the young applicant chirped …

“Then that’s me. Everywhere I’ve worked, when something went wrong, they told me that I was responsible.”

An applicant walked into the door of the local Navy Recruiting Station. As the interview went along and after much squirming and mental labor it was time to fill out the paperwork. His first form read…

NAME: John Smith

AGE:  27

      SEX: Once in a while

 

Recruiter: What's your biggest weakness?

Candidate: My principal weakness is my problem with reality; sometimes, I can't say what's real and what isn't.

Recruiter: Okay, then what are your strengths?

Candidate: I'm Batman.

Recruiter: So, how long did you work at your previous job?'

Candidate: I would say my greatest weakness is my listening skills.

 

Received a call from a Navy Recruiter. She said …

"Sir I have two openings for you.

… I replied …

“Yes, I know.”

There was a long silence and then she said …

“Asshole!”

… I replied …

“I prefer the other one.”

( Fin )