"They Can't Take Away My Birthday"

Because of a minor infraction, a sailor aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined, and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting …

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated …

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out the ship had crossed the International Dateline -- it was now July 23!!!

"Sailor Limericks"

Limericks & Shanties … On the High Seas could be a Sailor’s favorite past-time! I hope you Enjoy these few ...

 

There once was a sailor from Wales

An expert at pissing in gales

He could piss in a jar from the top-gallant spar

Without even wetting the sails …

 

There once was a Sailor from Tulass

Whose balls were made out of brass,

when he clanked them together

they played stormy weather

and sparks shot out of his arse…

 

There was a Young Sailor from Kent

Whose Rod was so long it was bent

So to save him some trouble

He bent it in double

And instead of coming – he went!

 

There once was a Sailor from Bel-Air

Who was doing his wife on the stair

But the banister broke So he doubled his stroke

And finished her off in mid-air…

 

A strange young Sailor from Leeds

Rashly swallowed a package of seeds

Great tufts of fine grass Sprouted out of his ass

And his balls were covered with weeds…

 

There was a young Sailor from Brighton

Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.

He said, “Oh my love, It fits like a glove.”

Said she, “But you’re not in the right ‘un.”

 

There was a young sailor named Bates

Who danced the fandango on skates.

But a fall on his cutlass

Has rendered him nutless,

And practically useless on dates…

 

 

 

"The Interruption"

A meeting at the Naval Station, was attended by an officer who outranked the rest of his company.

"Don't let me interfere with your work," he said. "I'll just sit here quietly."

Soon afterward, the officer interrupted with a comment…

"Sorry," he apologized. "You won't hear another word from me."

A few minutes later, the officer again felt compelled to speak and concluded,

"That's all I'm going to say."

Not long after, he took the floor once more and then contritely vowed to remain silent.

"That's okay, Sir,"

… a chief petty officer called out from the back.

"You just won me five bucks"

"Young Sailor Was Shipwrecked"

A young Sailor was shipwrecked on a desert island after his ship sunk. The following morning he walked around the island to see if there were any other people and was delighted when he found a young woman on the beach. He was even more delighted when he rolled her over and realized it was Kate Upton.

Having restored her to health, they set about making their accommodation comfortable and with a steady supply of water from a stream, coconuts, fish, and wild pigs they were soon living in some style. Being a Sailor, he even set up a small brewery and a bar.

Throughout this, the Sailor behaved towards her like a perfect gentleman, but one evening, after a long day of fishing, sunning themselves, and sampling the brewery, he looked at her, she looked at him, and nature took its course.

Three enjoyable months later they were sitting around the campfire when he asked if he could borrow her eyebrow pencil and draw a mustache on her. When she asked why, he told her that he wanted her, for a short time, to look like his old shipmate Fred.

She was, quite naturally, disturbed by this, but allowed him to do so. He took a look at his handy work and then leaned on the bar and said,

"Fred, mate, you will NEVER guess who I have been sleeping with for the last three months!”

"Our Lack of Social Graces ... So Help Me God"

If you never enlisted into the United States Navy Canoe Club as a Crackerjack Sailor, you missed the best times for pranks, fool errands & tomfoolery! Members of the Blue Jacket Navy in those days were not given the training of the social graces that today's Crackerjacks are supposed to be given. Then again in today’s Canoe Cabaret and the fashion show that comes along, it’s hard to distinguish US Navy Crackerjacks from the crew of a Mickey Mouse Cruise ship!

I remember my Chief’s expression …

"You bunch’a shits! Look at yourselves … a total disgrace! Grown men the Navy has deemed worthy of entrusting the world's most sophisticated equipment with … yet when there’s work to be done, you bastards act like an old milk cow one tit short of an udder!”

Them Chiefs always had the best ways of expressing themselves …

An old Shipmate off the Nimitz, by the name of Jimmy Dee had some memories to share with a fella’ no-shit teller and this is what he had to say!

In my time in this here Navy we had some crazy fun when the dull-drums would set in. Some of the recollections I have really made my time memorable… Oh the things we would do after closing that big ass hatch from the hanger bay to the sponson. 

Once after a particularly long day at sea, I was sitting at my desk in the RAM office, feet up, hat pulled down over my eyes, sleeping like a baby. Then, something kept tapping my foot. In my stupor I thought it was one of the guys messing with me as they always did. I remember being half awake and yelling …

"Mother fucker stop it!"

I looked up and there stood my Department Head, a full bird Captain. I jumped to attention but further complicating the issue was the dingle berries the guys had taped to the bill of my cover while I was asleep. I looked like an escapee from a Mexican mariachi band! The Captain looked at me and asked if I had a long day to which I replied…  “Yes sir!” He shook his head, and left the office.

That’s just one fine memory I recall …

We use to do some crazy stuff in those storerooms as well. I recollect one boring day we got into a rubber band fight, which ended up with paperclips flying at 100mph at each other’s face, which unfortunately ended up with me shrink wrapped to a rolling chair … in my underwear … left to fend for myself on the hanger deck! So there I was, rolling back and forth with the motion of the ocean Not one single son-of-a-bitch would stop to help. They’d stop to look and laugh, but no help! It took a while but I managed to rip the wrap and get lose. Didn't see the guys till muster the next morning. They were hiding out in S-1 because they knew if I found them it would be hell to pay!!!

There was a time when we called our ship our home! I guess in our memories the ship always will be, with the finest sons-a-bitches we’d ever know!!!

"Paint Requisition"

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Some things in the ol’ Canoe Club just don’t change over time! I remember in my Naval infancy only having to go down to the good old paint locker to get a can of haze gray and a handful of brushes. When I was a young snot nosed Crackerjack, we weren’t even required to turn the paint back in when we were done … we just tossed it over the side after the paint had done dried with a stiffened brush in the middle of the can! I’ll bet there’s a graveyard of old paint cans sitting below the harbor in San Diego Bay. Now, you’ve got to have your MSDS, a special chit from the Department Head with how much square footage you’re painting out, a special mix and if it’s nonskid, the Deck Apes have to do the painting for you at their convenience! If it’s paint on a missile deck, it has to be done by a contractor or some bubba from off shore … ain’t that something!?! At least that’s how it was before I retired.

Now I see an old clipping from back in the Fifties and Sixties it looks like the ol’ Canoe Club was messing with the paint locker years before I was a Crackerjack Sailor. I guess it eventually all came back full circle…  

" Leatherneck Landlubbers"

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Seasickness is a common malady during the first days after getting underway aboard ship. One day onboard the birdfarm a Marine buddy was particularly afflicted. The captain in charge of his unit paid him a visit in sick bay and asked …

"Is there anything I can get for you?"

"Yes, sir,"

… The marine groaned …

"Land."

"It's A Mad, Mad World"

Founded as a comic book by Editor Harvey Kurtzman and publisher William Gaines in 1952, Mad and its gap-toothed mascot Alfred E. Newman pioneered populist satire and inspired many lesser imitators. One distinctive feature of the magazine for almost its entire existence was its ability to run without advertising, allowing it to tear apart materialist culture without fear of biting the hands that fed it. Instead, for decades, the magazine ran fake spoof ads and comic strips that inspired many artists of the future.

I hope you enjoy my small collection of Mad art pertaining to the Navy and Nautical Spoof ….

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(Early MAD 1960's Spoof Ad)

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