"Ring Knockers"

I once was told by an LDO friend of mine,

“If arrogance and pomposity were water, the tali-wagging ring knockers from Annapolis would be gushing like Niagara Falls!”

"Mail Bag"

Young students are great about sending our sailors and soldiers letters, and the troops love ’em. You can see why:

“Dear Sailor, If you’re having a rough day, remember the most important thing in life is to be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.”

“Dear Veterans, You rock more than AC/DC or Metallica or Red Hot Chili Peppers.”

“I am so happy you are risking your life for the USA! My grandpa Bob was in the Navy. Now he likes peanuts.”

"The Baconator"

Here’s a no-shitter I was caught listening to on the Men’s Room Radio Show yesterday afternoon. Now bear with me, it’s a Navy story out of PSNS Bremerton and it’s all I can remember from listening to these chuckleheads on the show! So gather round and find a wench to sit on or a bulkhead to lean against while you smoke and coke away to this funny little yarn …

Now we old Salts know that hanging out with a bunch of twenty-something year old hooligan shipmates watching Jackass Movies might not be the best and brightest of accepted wisdom among the conscious living. What man came up with the idea to harness the full destructive power of grain fermentation to the point we lose our ever loving minds in the conquest of stupidity … but I’m guilty as charged as are 99.9% of you shipwrecks reading this drivel as well! Now they bottle the stuff and market it as 151 proof, Four Loco, and dress it up with sex and the adventures of Captain Morgan the Pirate collecting his booty … “Aaaargh I’m a Pirate born Two-Hundred years too late!!!”

So as the story goes, a fella we’ll call Paul, had just recently arrived at Penis Anus Bremerton Naval Station from Bootcamp and “A” School in Great Lakes. At Twenty years of age he was ten feet tall and full of vigor … thought he could take on the world! You know the feeling … damned sure miss it don’t you?!? 

Anyway,  being the new guy checking into the barracks, he was matched up with a couple of roommates of drinking age who decided they would all pitch in on a nice delicious bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Scotch, some Jameson and a few Heinekens to boot.  Now with no plans for the night other than to sit around getting plastered six sheets to the wind, what better way to pass the time than to watch a movie with Johnny Knoxville and Stevo pulling their crazy hair-brain stunts with a bunch of other crazy young shitheads, and you’re the new guy in the bunch!!!

Now somewhere in the movie when these young shipmates were nice and lushed up, Johnny Knoxville convinced his good ol’ buddy Stevo to stick a beer bong up his derrière and pour copious amounts of alcohol down the ol’ poop shoot.  Now being the good protagonist in a story you need a few good antagonists to get the dice rolling in this quick adventure. What better way than to convince a few hardened young sailors to stick something up the new guys butt!!!

Being the young naïve Crackerjack this young character was,

“There is now way that would do anything to you. It’s just ridiculous and made for show.”

“No dude, that will Fuck You Up!”

So our young hero decides he’s so willingly inclined and lets his shipmates partake in pouring an emptied Vitamin Water Bottle full of beer and whisky down his sphincter all in the name of fun and games!   Now at no point does it seem like a good idea to ask your shipmates to pour anything down your butt … but what do you do with a drunken sailor… never mind the lack of health benefits associated with alcohol enemas!

According to our young raghat wearing Hero, it only took a matter of four to five minutes to reach the state of severe toxicity, to the point his shipmates knew they had to get some food in him before things went south too quickly! And so with the consequence of their collective lack of wisdom, they decided to haul their drunk shipmate all the way down to Subway Sandwich on the lower end of base and fill him up with bread and carbs to slow any resulting liver poisoning…

Leaning on his shipmates as the last man in line drunk and in complete oblivion, our shipmate commenced to make his order with the girl behind the counter. In the middle of his menu read he gapes his legs,

“Oh man, I think I gotta fart!”

… and out comes a wash of liquor at firemain pressure out his ass making an alcoholic mud puddle in the middle of the Subway floor!  Our illustrious shipmate proceeded to look down at his master piece, then looks back up at the lady behind the counter and says …

“Can I get bacon with that?”

And for ever more his nickname in the Navy was Bacon!  Needless to say the whole gaggle of Crackerjack Sailors were kicked out of the fine Subway establishment. So any of my shipmates still in the Bremerton area who know of the Baconator, please leave a comment … I’d love to sit down and share some good ol’ Sea Stories with this young man! I always love a good Sea Story!!!

"Your Left, Your Left, Your Military Left"

“Halt!” 

Shouted our Chief Boot Camp Recruit Division Commander. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. The Chief approached the directionally challenged Sailor and stomped on his left foot…

“Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the one that hurts!”

"Disney Military Art"

From the ill-tempered Donald Duck to the loveable Seven Dwarves, Walt Disney Productions created some 1,200 designs during World War II. Such recognizable characters were used for aircraft nose art, flight jacket patches, pins and other memorabilia for American and allied units alike. The Disney brand was done by the studio free of charge as a donation to the war effort.

Disney’s relationship with the military dates back to 1917, when Walt Disney’s older brother Roy joined the Navy. Walt himself served a year later as a Red Cross ambulance driver when he was only sixteen. A sign of what was yet to come, he decorated his ambulance, and others in his unit, with drawings and cartoons.

Walt Disney Productions created their first military insignia in 1933 and created many public information and training films during the war years. Disney also created more than 1,200 unit insignia during World War II for all branches of the U.S. armed forces. It did the same for allied military units from the United Kingdom, Canada, China, France, New Zealand, South Africa and Poland. In fact, the only major Disney character that didn’t appear in any insignia designs was Bambi.

Two notable Walt Disney artists during this effort were Hank Porter and Roy Williams. Williams created the Flying Tiger insignia for the 14th Air Force and later became the inventor of the “mouse ears” worn on “The Mickey Mouse Club.”

In June 1942, the Disney studio in California became a war plant. By 1944, they employed 600 people and 25 percent of them either voluntarily enlisted or had been drafted. According to David Lesjak, author of “Service with Character. The Disney Studio and World War II,” the studio had a service flag with 165 blue colored stars on it. Each star represented an employee serving in the military. The studio’s 1944 annual report noted the breakdown of staff serving included 85 Army, 49 Navy, 21 Marines, two Merchant Marines and one WASP, or Women Airforce Service Pilots. They also had five gold colored stars, each representing a staff member killed in the line of duty.

Today, the military’s century-long relationship with Disney continues to evolve. The studio continuously coordinates film productions with the military, and service members and their families enjoy discounts at Disney’s theme parks. Given the longevity of Mickey Mouse, there’s no sign of that relationship slowing.

Fin…

"Stew Burners Best Dishes"

The sailors were chowing down while the Mess Cook was bragging to a couple of other sailors,

"My best dishes are meat loaf and peach cobbler.”

Over hearing that comment, one sailor asked,

"That's great, which is this?"

"An Ode To Subic"

Here’s an ode to Subic from the Preacher Man Owyn Bradford! Enjoy…

Once upon a dog watch dreary

When I was so awful teary

Thinking of the joys that waited down in Subic Bay!

As I scratched my ass so hairy

Drinking coffee (black, no dairy)

Came the chief down the ladder waddling as he went his way!

"Watch Bill's screwed," he lowly muttered

As my heart then madly fluttered.

He waved a paper gaily, rustling then beneath my nose!

"You shouldn't be here. Relief's approaching.”

"Listen now and heed my coaching.”

"Get in your whites, lad, and go to Pauline's or T-Rose!"

Quickly up the ladder sprinting,

Happy eyes through teardrops glinting,

To the head then down to berthing, singing glad song of praise!

Ere long Magoos I would be quaffing,

With Honeykos hugging, laughing,

With a full and loaded wallet I could have my choice of lays!

Close unto the midnight hour

I left my sultry Asian flower

On her rumpled sheets smelled of perfume, beer and lusty joy!

Faster than a greyhound pacing

Up the brow I soon was racing

Giving thanks for Subic, Mateys, thanks I was a sailor boy!

"The Good Ship Venus"

Bawdy Sea Shanties are a blast from our sordid past in the annals of our nautical history. Many a Shanty were work songs sung to keep the work more pleasant. Because these songs were used to accomplish a goal, rather than for pure entertainment, the lyrics and melody were not very sophisticated. Still, the songs were meaningful and told of a sailor’s life without getting the sailor in question strapped to the mast! Most of the shanties spoke of the back breaking work, abuse from captain and crew, alcohol, and longing for girls on dry land, Enjoy …

Twas on the good ship Venus,
By God you should have seen us,
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast the Captain’s penis.

The captain of this lugger,
He was a dirty bugger,
He wasn’t fit to shovel shit
From one ship to another.

The captain’s wife was Mabel.
Whenever she was able,
She’d fornicate with the second mate
Upon the galley table.

The cabin boy was Kipper,
A dirty little nipper,
We stuffed his arse with broken glass
To circumcise the skipper.

The captain had a daughter,
Who fell into the water,
We heard her squeal and knew an eel
Had found her sexual quarter.

The second mate’s name was Andy,
His balls were long and bandy,
We filled his arse with molten brass
For wanking in the brandy.

The captain’s name was Morgan,
By Christ he was a gorgon!
Ten times a day sweet tunes he’s play.
On his productive organ.

The captain’s daughter Mable,
They laid her on a table!
And all the crew would come and screw
As oft as they were able.

“Twas on a Chinese station,
We caused a great sensation.
We sunk a junk in a sea of spunk
By mutual masturbation.

Another cook was O’Malley,
He didn’t dilly dally.
He shot his bolt with such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.

"Art of Jan Sanders"

Jan Sanders was a Dutch cartoonist and illustrator, best known for his amusing cartoons depicting sailors. He drew and painted in a highly detailed, satirical style, showing sea captains, sailors and the rest of the shipping crew in funny situations. His work has been published in English, French and Spanish. Though he made many more cartoons, I picked these as I could relate to each in the everyday life at sea we were all so accustomed to…

Everyone knows the old adage Grandma used to say, “Tattoos are for sailors and whores!”  This cartoon put the two together…

We all knew what it was like walking the streets in foreign ports late at night looking for our next beer and a hooker, I mean hook-up… Shore Patrol was not our friend!!!

Though it denotes Amsterdam, this one resembled the Shellback initiation to a “T”…

Hitting the beach after a long stint underway could be a memorable event! This one captures the frills & thrills of a sailor in every port!!!

There’s that old adage, “When the cat’s away the mice will play!”  Many a Westpac Widow were sniffed out by the alley cats awaiting our departure…

Before there were women on ships, having a female nurse onboard brought on a lot of attention… there was usually a line anywhere there was a scent of perfume!!!

Bordellos, Brothels, Cabarets & Titty Bars were ultimate favorites for sailors away from home! This one catches a glimpse of such a scene!!!

While away import I once had a Skipper that said, “What’s done away from Homeport stays away from Homeport!” This of course was after he’d been spotted carousing at a brothel in the Red Light District!!!

"Liberty Limits"

No matter how much he begged, a sailor was unable to get more than a two hour pass to see his wife. The Officer on the watch wasn't thrilled when the young man returned six hours later.

"You've been on unauthorized absence for four hours. Explain yourself!"

So the sailor replied…

"Well, when I got home, my wife was in the bathtub, and it took four hours for my uniform to dry."