Cartoon #1

       

           Used to be like outside any Naval Base… but not anymore!!!

'Navy Pay'

I'm just trying to remember about when the Navy pay line was canceled out of existence. Back when I was a Twenty year old halfwit idiot fresh out of high school & still wet-behind-the-ears, I remember the days before direct deposit when you stood nutt to butt in a long line with your ID card in hand so you could claim your share of green backs to later stash in an ol’ boondocker in the back of your standup locker like a personal safe!!! 

You see… there were no established trustworthy financial repositories to do business outside the dispersing office… doing economic business in a seagoing vessel could cost you an arm or a leg!!!  There were no ATM machines... MWR Savings & Loan Bingo Establishments… or plastic credit cards dispatched by the DoD Credit dispensary!!! There wasn’t any electronic wiring of funds or payday loans with any legal standard!!! Nope… when you were broke you were flat busted until the next payday… unless you could barter $20 for $30 on your next paycheck… illegal slush funds!!! But that can be covered in another yarn...

Paydays like today were established twice a month… on the first and fifteenth… and it usually commenced at a specific time of the day on the messdecks  with a couple a’ Gunners loaded with .45s’ and ready to shoot anybody trying to commit any funny business… Everyone would line up, sign the pay list & get there cash in a nice… long… unadulterated fashion!!!  If you missed out on the line then you had to make special arrangements with the DISBO to pick your cabbage on a later date!!!

I remember we had to make a stop by the dispersing office a few days before and initial our social security number out there for everyone to see… acknowledging our pay amount in case of any issues… you know sometimes your pay got screwed up… a lot!!!

Not a very gaudamned efficient way of doing business… but that’s what we had before electronic data links to shore investment accounts and same day allotments to the ol’ lady back on the beach!!!

Somewhere along the line the younger generation has been spared the task of wasting half their gaudamn day standing in line and the Navy decided to put ‘em all on Direct Deposit… Now the DISBO has all but got a job…

Back in the old days he would have to go to the bank guarded with a sidearm to pick up all that cash carrying it across base in a briefcase… it’s a wonder none of them bastards ever got thumped over the head with a dogg’n wrench with all the predatory sharks and sneaky Petes out there from pier to pier…

Hell, even the damn Corpsman sons-a-bitches would get involved… stand’n at the head of the pay line with vaccinations… if you wanted to get paid you had to get your damn shots first!!!

Then… if you were in a foreign port like Singapore, Hong Kong, Thailand… etc.etc… you got a currency exchange table at the end of the pay line… how do ya like them apples!!! And the fella runn’n the damn thing can hardly speak a lick of English… but don’t worry, your money is safe in his hands!!!

Now the Navy has gone completely cashless… they give you a damn ‘CASH’ smart card with a chip in it so you can transfer funds between the card and your bank account… it’s even got a damn VISA*MasterCard logo on it!!! They got a make shift ATM machine hooked up so you can put chump change on the card and use it on the GEDUNK machines and the ship store!! CRAZY AIN’T IT!?!?!?!?

So all you young Whipper Snappers out there consider yourselves lucky!!! The Navy Finance System of days gone by when young sailors went to sea in greasy smelly dungaroos and leaned on each other secured  in their manhood nutt to butt while talk’n ‘bout Suzie Rotten Crotch for hours on end just to get paid… is long gone… and I suppose so are the slush funds we used to keeps the suds’ a com’n when we didn’t have a dime to our name on liberty… he,he!!! Them were the days!!!

“Season Of The Chief”

Today was not unlike any other 16th of September in the Navy as many a new fouled anchor was pinned on our new legacy in the Chief’s Mess. Hence we all sat idly by as our new brothers and sisters were accepted into our exclusive fraternity for the ages. To be a Chief among our ranks is to be given the privilege and responsibility of no other group of non-commissioned officer in the Armed Forces. This is made quite evident in the “CPO Creed.”

Something most of us were not consciously aware of but became obvious as we were tested through the season was the true meaning of being Chief Petty Officers. These guys were crusty salts with tattoos and permanent hooks for index fingers to carry their coffee mugs. They own the cliché, “Backbone of the Navy” for a reason. These hard-core bastards were always in your ass but were always there for you when you needed them most. That’s what I got out of “The Season” as I’m sure many of my brothers and sisters feel the same.

Though the season has changed a bit over the years as the Politically Correct madness has engulfed our Armed Forces, I believe the mess has done quite a job trying to keep the value of the season true. The Smug may have taken our toolbox away from us to make men out of boys but they didn’t take away our character or charm. No, that is something they’ll never be able to withhold from us.

Some Navy Brass would argue that CPO initiations do nothing but humiliate and degrade the selectees. I ask of them, “have you read the CPO Creed? In the beginning, word for word it states;

“During the course of this day, you have been caused to suffer indignities, to experience humiliations. This you have accomplished with rare good grace and therefore, we now believe it fitting to explain to you why this was done. There was no intent, no desire, to demean. Pointless as it may have seemed to you, there was a valid, time-honored reason behind every single deed, behind each pointed barb.”

The arguments against initiation posed by officers are relatively easy to combat, because the validity and need for the process can be explained and shown. In recent years some Commanding Officers have been invited to impose on the ceremonies and once witnessed to the accounts had vilified our reasoning to their own questions and curiosities.

Yes, in the Navy we’ve seen the changes in Boot Camp, Crossing the Line ceremonies and Chief Initiations alike. The right of passage has been labeled from Initiations to Inductions and all but discarded yet we still find a way to ad true value. I won’t always agree with all the changes, but hey we can always agree to disagree, and some things do need to change in time. So, let none of it take away from what any of our young brothers and sisters have went through this season as to any other. You have earned your right to be a “Chief” no less than any other… and I for one applaud you!

A SAILOR’S PHILOSOPHY

Someone asked me if I could post this one... thought it was pretty gaudamned funny...

A crusty ol’ Crackerjack named Jack with many years of sea going experience approaches the great mathematician Pythagoras… who had invented the Pythagorean Theorem… and says to him,

“I wanna know the meaning of life and everything that comes with it…”

Pythagoras says,
“ You know my famous theorem?”

Jack says,

“The one ‘bout them triangles… something ‘bout squaws, hippopotami and hides or some shit like that?”

Pythagoras looks at him astonishingly and replies,

“Why yes… you mean squares, Hypotenuses & sides... I discovered it 2,510 years ago and it still holds true today!!”

Then Jack responds,

"Oh yeah, but my math teacher had this catchy way of teaching it… and I never forgot!"

Pythagoras rebuts,

“But you forgot the theorem… right?”

Jack,

“ Well Sorta’ my memory ain’t all that wonderful… due to all them late nights a’ drink’n & whor’n...”

To that Pythagoras replies,

“What about the mystic rule of three… pyramid power… transmigration of souls… mathematics of music… the golden ratio and the Music of the Spheres?”

Jack looks a bit puzzled,

“Huh?”

Pythagoras recites,

“With mathematics as the essence of all being… the Universal Truth… mathematics is God!”

Jack retorts,

“You sound like one of them liberal God hat’n sons-a-bitches!”

 To that of which Pythagoras replies,

“And you say this century of yours is more advanced than the 6th century BC? Well…”

Jack interrupts…

“Yep, we got planes, trains & automobiles… Great big steal ships with  computers &  rockets that go bang… we also got booze, babes and go-go bars!!”

Pythagoras asks,

“What are go-go bars?”

Jack then sits down and goes into detail,

“Well you see, go-go bars are places you can find the finest in lipstick wearing… high healed… G-string thong strapp’n beauties with peek-a-boo bras and panties that’ll grab yah by the genitalia and make your testosterone levels peak beyond manhood… “

Pythagoras somewhat impressed,

“I can see you have some enjoyments that we lack… hmm… but what is it exactly you want from me?”

To that Jack says,

“Well… what can this theorem of yours do to help me with the dames… broads… you know, the finer sex!!!”

Pythagoras,

“What exactly is the problem???”

Jack,

“Well I go to these go-go bars that I told you about, so there’s no problem getting the girls, but I keep getting the wrong ones… I get ripped off… robbed… two-timed… & I’m usually left sobbing drunk on my pillow.”

Pythagoras,

“ This might help you.”

He writes something on a wax tablet and gives it to the crusty ol’ sailor.

Jack reads it out loud,

“(GB)2 + (AB) 2 + (AG)(BJ) + 69 + (AE) + (AG)(EG) = PQ…”

Then Jack says with dismay,

“ It’s a formula…”

Pythagoras replies,

“Yes in which ‘G’=girls… ‘B’ =bars… and ‘BJ’ and ‘69’ = …well, you know –and the other stuff is triangulation theory. Hope it helps!!”

To this Jack replies,

“But…But…”

Pythagoras, 

“Sorry… I keep forgetting that not everyone shares my passion for mathematics. Basically, this is how you apply it:

1) Go to three different bars. Have a drink and a look round, then go back to the best.
2) Sit with three girls. Buy each one a drink, talk to her, then go back to the best.
3) Pay her handsomely and take her to a hotel…  You know the rest… Send her away in the morning.
4)Do this for three nights… then go back to the best girl… and keep her for three days.
5) Repeat the whole process three times… then you will find a girl worth keeping for three weeks… ditto… three months… ditto… three years… then you will have found a girl worth keeping for the rest of your life.”

Jack somewhat astonished replies,

“That’s a hell of a lot of girls, Pythagoras.”

To which Pythagoras replies,

“Two Hundred & Forty Three girls to be exact… and each rising on a triangle of perfection. Two Hundred & Forty Three… of course, being the first number of the form PQ where P and Q are a twin prime pair!”

Jack looks at him with a shit eat’n grin and says,

“I’d like to try a prime pair of twins with big titties...”

Pythagoras then says,

“Be careful Jack… that would make a different kind of triangle… an eternal triangle. They’d get jealous of each other, and that’s trouble!!!”

Jack,

“Even if I paid them the same???”

Pythagoras,

“Better to stick to the formula…”

Jack,

“Have you tried it, Pythagoras?”

To which Pythagoras answers,

“I tried yes… but by the time I got to number sixty-six… which is triangular, but unlucky…  I was so weary of women that I found mathematical equations more exciting. That’s how I got started on triangles.”

Jack,

“Well ain’t that some shit… thanks Pythagorus, I’ll give it a try. I’m looking forward to meeting P and Q!!!”

__________________________________________________

In evolutionary terms…  A man needs to be sure that the children he is raising are his own, and for that, he needs a faithful partner … of course… he doesn’t expect to be faithful himself.

His evolutionary motivation is to spread his seed as widely as he can… hence the reason WHY SAILORS HAVE GIRLFRIENDS IN EVERY PORT!!!

'The Challenge'

A young Ensign and his Chief were sitting next to each other in the office after Quarters one day. The Ensign leans over to the Chief who was leaning back in his chair with his combo cover over his eyes and asks if he wants to play a fun game.

The Chief just wants to snooze and be left alone so he politely declines… turns his head away… and tries to sleep. The Ensign persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,

"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."

Again the Chief politely declines and tries to snooze. The Ensign, now somewhat agitated, says,

"O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!"

Now, that got the Chief’s attention… after all that’s extra beer money… so he agrees to the game.

The Ensign asks the first question,

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Then Chief doesn't say a word and just hands the Ensign $5.

Now, it’s the Chief's turn. He asks the Ensign,

"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"

The Ensign looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Chief and hands him $50. The Chief politely takes the $50 from the Ensign… turns away and tries to return to his snooze.

The Ensign, a little miffed, asks,

"Well what's the answer to the question?"

Without a word, the Chief reaches into his wallet… hands $5 to the young Ensign… turns away and returns to his snooze...

A Sailor & His Traditions!!

This here is not a Sea Story, but it is a NO SHITTER none the less!!!

 

Since 1993 the Navy has had the Official Sailor's Creed. Since then it has changed twice to represent what the "PC" world would like our Navy to represent! Though it is in the right spirit of Good Order and sounds great, it's hardly traditional as compared to the now defunct Rights of Passage such as Chief's Initiations, Wog Ceremonies....etc!! I think you might get my point!!!

 

Here is the Navy's Official Sailors Creed!!

 

Sailor's Creed

 

I am a United States Sailor.

I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America and I will obey the orders of those appointed over me.

I represent the fighting spirit of the Navy and all who have gone before me to defend freedom and democracy around the world.

I proudly serve my country’s Navy combat team with Honor, Courage and Commitment .

I am committed to excellence and the fair treatment of all.

Sounds almost like the initial enlistment oath right? Why don't they just call it that?

 

Now, back in the day here was the Navy's unofficial Sailor's Creed without all the "PC" flavor!!!

 

-Between the security of childhood and the insecurity of second childhood we find a fascinating group of humanity called Sailors. They come in all assorted sizes, weights and sobriety. They can be found anywhere, on ships at sea, in shorebases, in bars, in love and always in debt. Girls love them, towns tolerate them and the government support them. A sailor is laziness with a pack of cards, bravery with tattooed arms and the protector of the sea.

-They have the energy of a turtle, the slyness of a fox, the brains of an idiot, the stories of a sea captain, the sincerity of a liar and aspirations of a Casanova, and when he wants something it is usually connected with a request form.

-Some of his interests are: Women, Dames, Girls, Females and the Opposite sex

-He dislikes answering letters, wearing his uniform, superior officers, Navy food and working.

-No one else can cram into one small pocket: A little green book, A packet of cards, A picture of his girl, A comb, And what's left of his last months pay

-He likes to spend some of his money on girls, some on beer, some on poker and the rest foolishly.

-A sailor is a magic creature; you can lock him out of your home but not your heart. You can scratch him off your mail list but not off your mind.

-His is your long away from home love and your one and only bleary-eyed good-for-nothing bundle of worries, but all your shattered dreams become insignificant when your sailor docks, looks at you with those bloodshot bleary eyes and says - "Hiya Honey".

 

I think that about sums it up!!

 

 

 

“Leedy Creature”

In all your life do you ever remember anyone who resembled a short, fat, debilitated ol’ coot who slobbered, belched and farted at every turn?!?  I knew one once on the ol’ Chucky “V” around 91’. His name was Petty Officer Leedy or “Leedy Creature” with all meaningful terms of endearment!!!

Many of you scallywags might remember an ol’ fairy tale by the name of ‘Rumpelstilskin!’ But what most of you probably don’t realize is that the name in itself suggests the foreskin of an uncircumcised and flaccid nature connected to an ol’ fart who can’t get a chubby. Picture a tiny, wrinkly male member hanging lifeless from beneath his protruding gut like an elongated wart hanging from the belly of a giant toad. The fundamental theme here…  Rumpelstilskin was incapable of getting an erection and could not copulate, so therefore he negotiated underhanded deals to obtain his heir in life.

This pretty much sum ups the ol’ ‘Leedy Creature!’ Leedy was a sorry old Crusty Coot… enjoy’n nothing better than sleep’n & drink’n beer on his time off. The wretched son-of-a-bitch was worthless in the workcenter and could never be found when it was time to carry on any evolution that required more than just showing up… Hell, he couldn’t even do that right most of the time… about as handy as a trap door on a canoe!!!

 His uniform always looked like he pulled it from under a rock and he always had a five-o-clock shadow that got him in more trouble than most anyone could deal with. The lot of us just wrote him off as a dirty ol’ man with nothing else going for him. He wasn’t even worth the time wasted squaring away. I suppose since the ‘COC’ never put him on report they just assumed he’d fall off the planet!

 Leedy just so happened to room with a couple of my running mates on the dry dock barge. He’d come lurching in through the door, gasping and farting, and collapse on the bed snort’n and snoring within minutes off the ship! His great white belly heaving with the effort of each breath like a pregnant sow in labor, he would gasp and wheeze like a great whale. If we were too loud and annoying he'd roll over and bare his plumber’s crack for all to see. Still the lights would annoy him...

 “Turn the Fucking lights off! Why am I always surrounded by assholes?”

 After an hour or two of nap time he'd carry his fat ass to the White Pig or 'Albino Swino' right across the street from base. How quaint, the bar was named after him! As disgusting as this ol’ mate was I remember him walking into the bar and across the way next to the pool table was a typical 'Bremelo' with blubber hanging out of her spandex and a cigarette hanging from her lipstick laden mouth!

 “Hey you! Come on over here and sit on my prong.”

He was standing there with the front of his shirt covered in stains and the crotch of his pants looked yellow with what looked like old urine and crusty gonorrhea-droppings. Well, I guess the Bremelo was in to that sort of thing because she was all sorts of hot and bothered by the 'Leedy Creature' and couldn’t seem to get enough of him all night!! As we would gaze in revulsion at Leedy’s flaccid, obese body, stinking with sweat and covered with burly hair, we couldn’t help but notice the overpowering smell of 'Brut 33' cologne and dirty feet. I guess it was all a match made in hell!!!

 But of all his creeped out, perverted and degenerate drunkard ways, I never realized there was a redeeming quality about the 'Leedy Creature!' One afternoon after a Divisional PT session some of us were messing around on the gym wrestling mats. Leedy came walking in and said he could show us a few things. Wow, this guy really knew his wrestling moves. He had more knowledge locked up in that ol’ head of his than any wrestling coach I had ever known. After a long conversation about high school wrestling and reminiscing about the old days, Leedy told me how he was a state champ back in his day in Michigan. For an old far-out wacko like himself he really knew his stuff. I kinda had a different way of looking at the 'Leedy Creature' after that. I guess he just lost his way somewhere down the line.

I don’t know what ever became of him. Last I heard he got kicked outta the Navy for being a drunkard! He’s probably sitt'n all porked up on a barstool somewhere with his meaty arms wrapped around a pitcher of cheap beer and a pack of camel cigarettes with his hairy plumber’s crack mushroomed over the top of a bar stool! Now, try clearing that thought outta your head!! He-He!!!