'True Colors'

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

‘Lord Farquaad Kim Jong-il (How Do Wu Wike Me Now) Martinez II”

Remember the ones? The Snot Nosed Arrogant Elitist bastards who held the rank of Officer?? Not all of them mind you… bout’ 70% of em’ were okay by me… but there’s always the ones that really  got my goat if you know what I mean… Lord Farquaad comes to mind…

Lord Farquaad was the main bad guy… antagonist villain in the original Shrek movie!! Short in stature, ruthless to the point of expecting everyone to kiss his ass and lived in a towering castle to compensate for what he lacked in stature!!!

That about sums up Lord Lieutenant Farquaad Martinez II back on the mighty MOMSEN… I think it was Chief Ryan who gave him that name. Heath Ryan was a rather large man… Six Foot’ Four, Two Hundred Eighty Pounds of large man!!! The kinda man you wanted on your side in a bar fight!!! He also slept above me on the top rack in Chief’s berthing… It took me four years to be certain the pop rivets in the bunk weren’t gonna pop-out and I’d have Two Hundred Eighty pounds of Baby Huey crushing down on me when the sonar dome hit that perfect wave, but once again… I regress

Heath Ryan enjoyed nothing better than giving that son-of-a-bitch a good heckl'n when chance revealed itself. He said Martinez must’ve been one of them nerds who got beat up a lot in school so now he got off on the power and authority of wearing the officer uniform!!!

I gotta tell ya, he looked pretty gaudamned ridiculous in his dress whites… put that combo cover on his head with the ol’ officer crest and he looked like he was gonna tip over!!! 

Then the movie ‘Team America’ came out… one of the damned funniest flicks you’d ever seen! Low and behold, Lord Farquaad got a new nickname… ‘Kim Jong-il’… the villain who supplied all terrorists alike with weapons of mass destruction, and his supporting cast from the Film Acters Guild (FAG)!!!

“How wuu wike me now Team Chief Mess! All enwisted peopowe incwooding Chiefs can kiss my ass… I am WEPS and I have Weapons of Mass Distwuction!!!”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not officers I necessarily disliked, I think they hold a vital role in the Navy… from the past to the future… but that gaudamned ‘holier than though I’m better than you attitude was what most of us couldn’t stand…

Lord Farquaad Kim Jong-Il Martinez II was the epitome of this type… always look’n down his nose, holding everything we said in disdain, and condescending to the bone… always questioning us with intensity never giving us any benefit of the doubt!!!  

I don’t know who the son-of-a-bitch was that mentored this asshole but he was definitely a monster in the making! It was quite evident this fella’s only concern in life was for himself!! He was a smug kinda man who’s rank was his only way to achieve respect, and couldn’t just leave it at the job…

Hell even the Wardroom had contempt for him… our whole department was the joke of the ship thanks to this guy… on a destroyer… the Weapons Department!?!? We couldn’t get a break in edge-wise!!! 

He could never back his Chiefs and treated just about all ‘Chits’ like some kind’a ‘declaration of mutiny’… that was about the end of it for me. One of my young'ns ran a request chit to go on leave and after about three or four days I went to hunt the son-of-a-bitch down where all roads ended at the Weps Stateroom. He swore he never got the chit and tried to keep the young fella from going on leave because I wouldn’t be able to get a new one ran up the chain fast enough… so I personally walked the damned thing up to the CO!!!

He wasn’t too happy about that… but that was about his speed…

I guess Core Values were shitcanned in this guy’s indoctrination into officerhood. So needless to say, he made no friends and plenty of enemies with the crew…

This is an important theme to my story here as you will find out…

You see Lord Farquaad Kim Jong-il Martinez II had a bad habit of nodding-off on watch late at night… sometimes we’d play pin the tail on the backside of the TAO… “Kiss me if you feel lucky” or “Kick me in the Jimmy” and even the gaudamned Watch Officer would get in on it…

So there we were on the midwatch underway in CIC… attention on deck was called as the Skipper came through the port entrance and Weps was the TAO on watch… the eyes and ears of all things tactical and important to the purpose of our existence underway!!! Lord Farquaad Kim Jong-il Martinez II was out cold at the TAO console… as the Skipper just stood over him for about ten seconds waiting for him to awake…

Needless to say the ol’ Skipper was not so well amused… ‘woke his ass up’ and asked to meet him in his cabin when he’s more alert from his slumber.  Boy, Lord Farquaad Kim Jong-il Martinez had his tail between his legs at that point!!!

When he came back from his ass chewing he says,

“Why didn’t anybody let me know? I can’t believe you guys let me down like that!!”

Well Mr. WEPS, if you had a little more tact and courtesy towards your subordinates and didn’t’ treat’m like stepping stones for your own devices… you might get treated in kind… never gonna get anywhere in this Navy with ‘bullying and browbeating’!!!

Kind’a reminds me of an ol’ joke I once heard…

Officer: “Hey Shipmate, do you have change for a dollar?”

Sailor:  “Sure do buddy!”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again!”

Officer: “Shipmate, do you have change for a dollar?”

Sailor: “No SIR!!!”

Coffee and Testicles

A retired Navy Vet goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"  He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in the Navy four Twenty years." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."  Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says,  "Yes. A Five Inch Shell exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Be kinder than necessary- 
Everyone you meet is fighting
Some kind of battle. 

‘Open Your Eyes & Ears And Listen Up’

I came across this picture today while on the ol’ internet and found myself reminiscing…

When good ol’ fashioned sailors get together, it doesn't take long for the sea stories to reduce to who did what to how many girls while drink’n so many bottles of some substitute for turpentine to remember that gal with the mole on her ass and that tranny with a five dollar foot long between its legs… You remember… who couldn’t remember that kind’a crap!!!

Yep… big titties, fast women, 99’ bottles of beer on the wall, and even more dames than you got fingers for short time no shit in 72’ hour liberty ports are what your typical sea tales end up all about...

At some juncture, the bullshit gets outt’a hand… and it’s on! The major ‘So there I was’ and ‘You ain’t gonna believe this shit’ kind’a stuff comes out of the wood work!!!

Don’t get me wrong… I’ve told some tales of grandeur and I’ve had some great memories in my day… you spend all your days learning how to be a ‘crackerjack’… the pride, the vernacular identity, camaraderie… liv’n like a pirate ‘two hundred years too late’… then the gaudamned Navy turns all politically correct and you wonder… ‘Who gives a damn anymore…   

But somewhere along the line… something or someone can surprise you… sometimes it’s just the little things. Back on the ‘Mighty Momsen’ I was privileged to serve with a fellow Chief named Javier Perez…

Javier was one of them kind’a fellas who epitomized the ol’ adage “Say what you mean… mean what you say” kind of thing… He was a hard work’n honest to God’ kind’a fellow.

On the way down the East Coast to Panama City, Florida for our big Commissioning Ceremony we took a detour to the good ol’ Naval Base in Norfolk, Virginia… gotta tell you, after all my years in the Navy that one overnight stay was the only time I ever visited the so called biggest naval base in the world… but I regress…

While the mighty Momsen was import over night Javier took me to a local Mexican Cantina for some good grub and a few Tecate beers. As we were seated I took notice to a beautiful mural on the wall of an Aztec Warrior perched over a lovely woman on what looked to be a bed of flowers…

“Javi, that looks like a Mexican makeover of Romeo & Juliet!” 

“Well, in a sense it sort’a is.”

Javier then proceeded to explain the finer side of Mexican culture and Aztec Mythology…

“They say the mountains were once a princess and a prince who were deeply in love with one another. The prince was a brave warrior but the princess’ father insisted he engage in battle with their enemy and come back with the head of their king!  As the princess lie in wait for her beloved prince, a messenger came back with false reports the prince had died in battle. There the princess lay succumbed by her despair and died of a broken heart.  When the prince returned to find his beloved had died, he was grief stricken to the point he took her body to the mountains to lay beside her and breathe his last breath so they could be together for eternity. They remain still today as Iztacchuatl and Popocatpetl  overlooking the valley of Mexico City.  Occasionally Popactpetl will bellow ash to remind those watching… he still lies watching over his beloved Iztcchuatl!!!”

Now a know a lot about sea stories and good ol’ fashioned bullshit but that ain’t no gaudamned horse manure that Javier was feeding me… he knew a little something about what he was tell’n me and I still hold a great appreciation for that story…

It just goes to show you what you can learn from somebody if you open your eyes and ears and listen up to what they’ve got to tell you!!!

In the short time I knew Javier he showed me how to dish up a good Salsa and a few other things too… I’m sure if I hung around long enough he would’a revealed the proper way to down a Tequila Popper or had I been single the appropriate way to sequester a fine young Mexican Maiden… always found’m to be damned pretty & hell’a sassy…

I have no idea where he was earlier in my career, only that it’s a damn shame we rode different ships at different times… Holy Shit Conniptions if I’d met him earlier in my ‘Crackerjack’ days, one-tenth of the stuff in my epic stories of bullshit might not of happened… maybe it’s fortunate I hadn’t or you might not be reading this silly crap right now!!!

So as I take a drink tonight, I say to you Javier…

“Salud and Gracias to my good friend!”

‘A Young Aussie Joins The Navy’

A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.

"But dad, how will I know?"

"Trust me son, you will know.

After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand.

"Well son,how did it go?"

"Dad, I found out what you ment about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."

"But how could you tell he was gay?"

"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling "THROW ME A BOUY, THROW ME A BOUY"

‘Humor In The Face Of Defeat’

Joe’ Sailor was deployed on a long overseas tour. While he was away he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained how she had slept with two other fellas while he had been away and she wanted to break up with him… oh, and she wanted the pictures of herself she gave him back.  So the good ol’ Joe’ Sailor did what any good ‘Crackerjack’ would do…  he went around to his shipmates and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could muster… He then mailed about twenty-five of them pictures (some clothed… some not so much) to his girlfriend with the following note,

“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back!”

'Anthony Buncum... Another Lost Shipmate'

As we get older one thing rings clear to all of us. At some point… you know you’re gonna have to come face to face with the problematic revelation of your own demise. Now I don’t plan on meeting my maker anytime soon so don’t get your panties all in a wad!!!

It just seems pretty dog-gone evident as the years blow on past a lot of family and friends seem to be crowding up God’s waiting room standing in line for their one way ticket to the other side.  In the past year my mother had gone… my wife’s mother… as well as a few shipmates I had lost touch with over the years…

One in particular shipmate has come up in recent days… not sure how he passed but its’ a shame someone of such fine young vintage and diligence to duty had to expire so soon.  Anthony Buncum was his name… didn’t know him as well as others but he was a helluva shipmate I can assure you!!!

I remember seeing Buncum, Merrill, Shulke and Magner bouncing off the passageways of the ol’ Rainier Lucky No. 7 back in the day… they all seemed like pretty cozy shipmates… swapping sea stories, hang’n out on the mess decks, doing what sailors do best…

I asked a couple of those shipmates if they could let me know of some of their fondest memories of Anthony, this is what I got and it’s word for word, beautifully written and no need to adlib…

“I met Tony a long, long time ago… during the Westpac of 96-97. We became good friends, whether I was working in the pit, or doing some temp duty up in Hazmat. And while we had the occasional disagreement, we always managed to get over it and be buds again. I remember tooling around in the old Chevy pickup he had, listening to whatever passed for music in those days. There are stories of things happening that can never be told in detail. Buncum, Magner, and I eventually got an apartment together off base... the world’s worst bachelor pad. A lamp with no shade next to the front door, a couch we picked up on a roadside. But it was ours, and we partied. Then came the time when he started dating a gal living in Vancouver, WA. So, plenty of road trips down there on the weekends, venturing out to explore Portland during the Rose Festival. Eventually, he married her just prior to Westpac 98-99. And it was just a month or so into deployment when he found out he was going to be a father. He couldn't have been happier. And even after I left the ship, I still kept in contact, as much as I could. I had the good fortune to talk to him on the phone just a month ago on Sept 4th. We just BS'ed like it was the good old days. Sure, things had changed in his life, as it does in anyone's. But it was good to talk to my old shipmate, a man I could call my brother. And in the end, I can only hope that his heart found peace. We all must go, sometime. Sometimes, that time comes too early. But I have to believe that it brings an end to those things that hurt ones soul. I'm sad that I won't have the opportunity to talk to my shipmate again, but take solace in knowing that his pain is over, and hope that his heart is at peace now. Life is not an easy road to travel by any means, and it's even harder to travel it feeling alone. But, now he has a new road, with others that have gone before him. Thank you Tony, for being one of a few friends I had back then.”

Jeremy Shulke wrote those breathtaking words as he remembered our shipmate.  I read in his obituary that he was a proud young American who loved his family and his country… and will be sorely missed by all!!!

We hope to meet again on that great ship in the sky… until then we’ll have to keep each other company down here while your keep’n the decks swabbed and the boat in ship shape condition for our arrival… fair winds and following seas dear friend… we hope to meet up again someday soon!!!