'The Plan'

In the beginning was the plan.

And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was completely without substance.

And the darkness was upon the face of the bottom feeding ‘Crackerjacks’...

And they spoke amongst themselves saying:“It is a crock of shit and it stinks."

And so the ‘Crackerjacks’ went unto their Leading Petty Officer, saying "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And so the Leading Petty Officer went unto the Chief, saying "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong; such that none may abide it."

And so the Chief went unto the Division Officer, saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength"

And so the Division Officer went unto the Department Head, saying "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."

And so the Department Head went unto the Executive Officer saying, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And so the Executive Officer went unto the Skipper, saying "The new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organization and these areas in particular…"

 And so the Skipper looked upon the plan and saw that it was good.

And so the plan became policy!!!

And so is the way in this Politically Correct World…

This my friends is how shit happens!!!

'The Reward of 72 Virgin-ians'

The Reward of 72 Virgin-ians: Its Important to Listen!

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceived?"

Patrick Herny then approached and punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jerrerson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Manroe came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.

"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

"Come on Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven."

---

A Lesson in Naval Logistics

On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston, loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 115,000 pounds of black powder and 79,000 gallons of rum.

Her mission: to destroy and harass English Shipping

On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour and 688,300 gallons of rum. Three weeks later, Constitution reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard rum.

By this time, Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she made her way unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons aboard and headed for home.

On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, and no whiskey.

She did, however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water. The math is quite enlightening:

Length of cruise: 181 days

Booze consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day

(this DOES NOT include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the 12 English merchant vessels in November).

Naval historians note that the reenlistment rate from this cruise was 92%.

LOGISTICS LESSON LEARNED:

Don't load up with too much water.

---

This was from the Baglady of WWII... same name different ship from my first!!!

Twas Da Nite of Da Poon Shoot

A fellow Firecontrolman let me borrow this about a Missile Shoot!!! Hope you all enjoy:   

Twas Da Nite of Da ‘Poon shoot,

And all thru Combat,

Not a watchstander was sleeping.

Not even way in the back.

The OS’s all manned their consoles with care,

Hoping that “ol Stormin wouldn’t come over there,

The officers all shook their heads in dread,

All hoping that if this doesn’t go right, Norman wouldn’t shoot them dead.

We had Johnny on SP phones, watching the dials,

Two minutes and holding, it’s been that way for a while,

Then suddenly they get the word over the wire,

The range is green; you may go ‘head and fire.

OS2 Kennedy powered up the bird that was in cell eight,

Now in ten minutes it will all be too late,

The FCO, LT Williams, a virgin TAO,

Looked at the Captain and said “Sir we’re ready to go”.

The Captain then looked him square in the eye,

“You mess this up, and I’ll see that you fry”,

Batteries released, let her rip, get that bird in the air he snorted,

Kennedy turned the key and the firing squib shorted.

There came a whine, that was so faint to the ear,

We in Harpoon knew that destruction was near,­­

The bird lit off and left with a racket,

The bridge watchstanders all ducked and dogged the hatches.

“The bird is away” I said with you know what in my hand,

In five minutes you can say “scratch one EX-Navy tin can”,

The bird flew east with a chase plane now far behind,

USS Hewes fired too, down the same bearing line.

Four minutes into flight, the Hewes bird went astray,

It started to circle and come back our way,

Destroy Hewes missile, the order went out,

CIWS to auto, stand clear of the mounts.

The pilot in the chase plane, made a textbook close pass,

He radioed Splash Alpha, Dale your birds in the drink,

In all the confusion, I splashed the wrong one I think.

And then he said, “I splashed the right one this time”

Bingo to base, it’s Miller time.

While back on the Dale, we heard such a clatter,

Stormin Norman’s in combat to see what’s the matter,

“Get the out my way” was the first the first thing he said,

The next was “OP’s start praying I’ll soon have your head”.

The CHENG was shivering ‘cause it suddenly got cold,

And then he said, “My Snipes didn’t drop the load”,

WEPS with a check sheet that hadn’t expired,

He said “My PMS was SAT, long before you fired”.

OP’s said “Captain, I swear it wasn’t my fault”,

It was the pilot, he splashed the bird that you bought,

Let go of my throat, please don’t make me holler,

It’s just one bird, what’s a million dollars?

A few hours later, a message came in from COMCRUDESGRU TWO,

It said, NORM, calm down I saw what happened too,

The pilot that splashed the bird that you fired,

Will be manning a desk until the day he retires.

The morrow of this story is not about my wit,

It’s just that Stormin Normin don’t take no (Well, you know)

FCC Tiz

‘ Liberty Expires With Breathalyzers ‘

A while ago I posted a snippet called ‘Operation Golden Flow’ about piss tests and exactly just how I’d felt about ‘em… So as recently as a few months ago the ‘Navy Times’ posted an article stating that the good ol’ SECNAV is planning on introducing the breathalyzer to the fine young men and women of the US ‘Canoe Club’… ain’t that a bunch a hooey!!!

It defies the whole point of why young men join the ‘Canoe Club’ in the first place… It’s not just a job… but where’s the sense of adventure?!?

Not too many moons ago we ‘Crackerjacks’ congregated in some of the best gin mills around the world!! They had great names… The Red Onion, El Caminos, Moose McGillicuttys', Tremors, Shenanigans, Jose Murphy’s, Bull and Bear Pub, Sticky Wicket, … and of course I can’t forget to mention Club Metro, San Diego Sports Bar, Cankers and Sores, Trophy Lounge and the infamous ‘Pink Panther’ in Phuket or ‘Caligula’s’ in Pattaya Beach Thailand!! But if you want to go there we could also talk about all the bars on Magsaysay in Olongapo… but I don’t want to write a novel here so we’ll stick to the simple subject… These were anything from dingy hole in the wall joints to pick up stations for the local one night stands… ‘like a sore dick… they just couldn’t be beat!!’

Sometimes it’d be a challenge to find the trashiest & cheapest joint to drink beer and get ‘Flammered’! We’d toss down stuff like ‘Tiger Beer’ that tasted more like Tiger Piss!! Then we’d sit around discussing women’s boob sizes and tell semi-coherent jokes until we laughed so gaudamned hard beer would spew outta’ our noses!!!

There was nothing like a bunch’a bleary eyed sons-a-bitches heading back to the ship ripping three sheets to the wind and pee’n in the street!!!

“I gotta piss so damn bad it feels like I’m gonna give birth to a urine child!”

“I guess your well overdue for a piss call!!”

Then while piss’n away in the alley…

“Hey look… I’m Zorro… oh nevermind… that’s an eight… oops I dribbled down my leg!”

“My liver’s so shot I’m gonna have to go to the hospitipal and get on the liver waiting list!!”

“Haha… when we get home I’m gonna get me a dog and name it liver so I can abuse it!!”

Yes the shit we do and say when we’re soberly challenged!!!

At the ‘Fleet Landing’ a flask of the finest spirits being passed about while telling tall tales of the Suzie Wong Red Light district in wait of the liberty boat coming inbound … That’s what it was all about… ever wonder if one of them dollar bills in your back pocket was stuck in one of them Go-Go girls butt cracks?!?  Aaaah… memories so long ago but so vivid like they just happened yesterday!! I can still remember waking up once with my head buried in a trash can… finding sharpy writing pointing toward my ass crack on my lower back…

“For a good time enter here!”

Took a couple of days for that to wear off… and a couple of months to live it down!! But it always made you as anxious as a little kid on Christmas Morning… to get ready for the next Liberty Port!!!

We’d pull into exotic banana booby seaports only seen in ‘National Geographic’ where the only passport to freedom was a pocket full of cash and a Military issued I.D. Card…

 “I can't wait to toss down some suds and get wrapped around some big tittied local girl who don’t know any better!”

“Yeah, but if you pick one up around here she could probably suck start a Chevy Truck! Lord knows if you kiss her you might as well be sucking off the whole gaudamned fleet!”

“Hey, sometimes your drunk… with beer goggles on… and that my friend… is not love!!”

Then Chief would step in…

“Boys… try to be weary of the Bearded Clam on the half skivvy... and grab one of them ‘goodyears’  dock leaves on the Quarterdeck… I’m sure he doesn’t wanna be staring down your piss holes on the way out of port!!”

Because back in those days Chief wasn’t afraid to tell you how it was… we took care of our own! Didn’t have to worry about gett’n kicked out for an alcohol related incident less you pissed yourself in the gutter every time we pulled into port!! We could figure out the ones who couldn’t hack it… it wasn’t rocket science!!!

Nowadays they’ve taken away the ability to keep everything within the ‘lifelines’ of the ship… Too gaudamned many ‘Dudley Doorites’ enforcing policy!!!

As a Chief I once had to tell a young’n something of the effect…

"Son… if you drink too much they’ll call you a drunk!  If you eat too much they’ll put you on mando and call you a fat ass!! If you fuck too much you’ll get the clap and they’ll call you a pervert… and if you work too much you’re simply a butt puckering Asshole!!! Keep everything in moderation… everything in moderation."

But back when I was a young ‘boot’ this ol’ Canoe Club was a 600 ship Navy and we were Masters of the Seas… we had achieved Superiority of the Sea Lanes… no one would jack with us!!!

This Canoe Club required you to pursue as much pussy as you could use up and drink as much beer as you could before you die!!  To serve your country was to be a warrior… a gaudamned hardass… ‘Billy’ badass… work hard, drink hard, play hard to the extreme ‘take it to the limit’ kind’a trooper!!!

I guess the Politics of ‘Political Correctness’ has forced us to treat our young men and women in uniform like a bunch of ‘gaudamned wussies’… and if you treat them like wussies they’ll become a bunch’a wussies!!!

I read somewhere that when a lady complained to President Lincoln that General Grant drank too much whiskey he replied…

“He’s successful… find out what kind of whiskey he drinks and I’ll send a barrel to all the rest of my Generals…”

My how things have changed over the years!! When I was a young’n I saw chicken fights… dog fights… bull fights… a drunk chief half nekkit try’n to get into a bull fight… peso shows… donkey shows… vagina darts… a go-go dancer swallow an eel & not with her mouth either… and the things done by strippers with ping pong balls that would make the Chinese ping pong Olympic team feel novice!!! 

And if you tried the next morning to play Limp Dick and Lazy… There was a reason the Chief used to say…

“If you’re gonna hoot with the owls at night… be prepared to soar with the eagles in the morn’n!”

After all… there was noth’n like the Section Leader having you knuckle bust’n bilges and standing ‘Drunk Watches’ at ‘O’ dark thirty the next evening!! It usually took nothing more than a steel toe boondocker in the ass and a promise you’d be stuck mess cranking ‘til hell freezes over if you didn’t get your shit together!!!

I don’t know… for better or for worse it is what it is… but as long as there are American ‘Crackerjacks’ roaming the seven seas… there will always be a market for sexy women and Piss brand beer!!!

Next on the list… the polygraph tests and ‘Spanish Inquisition’ type purification programs… kind’a make us all Leave it to Beaver types…

“Golly gee Wally… I’d never look at nekkit gurlie magazines or drink anything that smells like turpentine!!”

I’ve got visions of Stanley Kubrick’s Clockwork Orange coming on…

'After The Surgery'

After a long night of making love with a local liberty bunny, a Sailor notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?"

… he nervously asks.

"No, silly,"

… she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?"

… he continues.

"No, not at all,"

…she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?"

… he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!"
 

… she answers.

"Well, who is he, then?"

… he demands .

"That's me before the surgery."