'Swell Pair'

A Philosopher, A Mathematician And A Chief Petty Officer

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and a Chief Petty Officer, were out riding in a bus, coming home from scout summer camp when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen", the Devil said, "due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. Then, go to Hell! With another snap of the Devil's finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated crypto formula you can ever think of that could never be deciphered!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed the code was unbreakable. Then, go to Hell! with another snap of the Devil's finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The Chief Petty Officer then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that.

The Chief then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked,

"Which hole did my fart come out of?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "the third hole from the right."

"Wrong, said the chief, it came out of my asshole."

And the Chief went to Heaven...

‘A Letter To A Young Sailor Who Just Left Home’

Dear Son:

Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive. I will write this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast.

First the big news…your Dad heard that most accidents happen close to home so we moved. You won’t know the house when you come home as I can’t send you the address because the last redneck family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

About your father…he has a lovely new job where he is over 500 men. He is cutting grass in the cemetery.

There is a washing machine in the house where we live now, but it ain’t working too good. Last week I put in 14 shirts and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them shirts since.

It only rained twice this week: Three days the first time and four the second time.

The coat that you wanted me to send you. Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether its a boy or a girl so I can’t tell you if your an Aunt or an Uncle.

Your Aunt Olga gave up the birth control pill when your Uncle John bought a condominium.

Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at the Norska Brewery. Some of the fellow workers dived in to save him but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it took three days to put out the fire.

On the other hand, your father hasn’t drank since Christmas…I put a pint of Castor Oil in his beer and it kept him going till New Years.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick up. One was driving, they other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Went to Doctor yesterday and your father went with me. Doc put a small tube in my mouth and said not to open it for ten minutes. Your father wanted to buy the tube.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

Love,
Ma

PS I was going to send you $10.00 but had already sealed the envelope.

A Drunk Sailor

A drunk Sailor was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked,

“May I help you, my son?”

“I dunno,”

came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition…

“You got any toilet paper on your side?”

‘Hawaiian Mai Tai… Sex On The Beach… & Prowlers In The Drink’

Well I suppose I should write a no shitter about Hawaii! It was kinda the home away from home and a definite first and last port visit on any deployment!

When I joined the ol’ Canoe Club I had visions of the South Pacific and cute little Island Girls at every Polynesian port! That slick talking, silver-tongued son-of-a-bitch of a recruiter didn’t need to say much to convince me that’s where I wanted to be!! I’m just scratch’n my nogg’n wondering why I never got stationed there!!!

The notion of going to Hawaii conjures up the smell of coconut oil… visions of breezy beautiful beaches… pretty Hula Girls and beach combers with surf boards and ukuleles at every turn. While I was there I got to pinch Hula Girl butts… appreciate the sex on the white sandy beach ((next to the Banyan Tree))… gett’n the Kamonuana Lau tropical flowers around the neck… learn to appreciate the pinapple Mai Tais… wore many an aloha shirt with nekkit lady prints on them… and climbed palm trees like a gaudamned monkey throw’n coconuts at drunk’n shipmates!!!

And then there was…

“What’s up with all the hookers walk’n the street?”

“It’s a Sailor’s delight!”

"The only way you can keep the women away is if you’re queer!"

My first episode in Hawaii was as a messcrank… with a Filipino Senior Chief in charge of the galley! But before liberty went down…

“Bepore you can go on leebirty you must penis your work pirst!”

How the hell do you penis your work?!?!

“Clean… Clean… Clean… damn you mudderpuckers! Clean… Clean… Clean… not good enup!”

Once off the boat it was time to hit the beach and Waikiki was where all the fun was at! There were three ways to get from Pearl to Waikiki… hitch hike, bus, or taxi! There were a million ‘Crackerjacks’ looking to head to the beach so getting a taxi was usually the best bet… cheaper by the dozen!!!

Usually the first stop was Gussie L’amours right off the highway by the airport! You could guarantee some great entertainment rather it be Mud and Oil wrestling… Great Bands… Comedians… or just some great music and drinks!!  The place would let the girlies get up on the tables and dance before Coyote Ugly even thought to make it famous!! The place had that Midwestern Saloon type feel and a great place to meet some vacationers!!

After a good time at Gussies we might have headed out to Hotel Circle in Waikiki for one of the local Squid Bars like Moose McGillicutty's or a fun time at Dukes or the Zanzabar! Mooses was well known for bikini and wet t-shirt contests in those days!! I remember gett’n piss drunk on many a night making routine trips to the bathroom with the long metal urinal standing in rank and file with my fellow crackerjacks chasing cigarette butts back and forth with our pee streams...

Occasionally we might have ran into a hole in the wall joint with one dollar Mai Tais! I got drunker then snot in one of those Tiki Bars… I swear I was see’n three of everything!!!

If we made it that far without gett’n lucky or fall’n out shitfaced drunk there were the titty bars down the road! Crackerjacks love titty bars… go-go dancers… stripper poles… and anything with two boobies attached!!  A personal favorite in the early days was the Lollipop Lounge!! This place was strategically located for crackerjacks like me to discover!! Like any titty bar, it was kind’a dark with the smell of stale whiskey and cigarette smoke mixed with coconut oil the ladies obviously bathed in before each show!! It kinda had that 70’s feel about it with the maroon color carpet and cheesy nylon booths!! I remember one Asian gal that worked there… she was a personal favorite!!! 

And one night in particular somewhere in the beginning of my adulthood in this ol’ Canoe Club I met an Aussie gal on her summer vacation… well it was winter here but summer where she came from! After a night of down’n the hatch with something called Okolehoe that a big friendly Samoan fella had given us in a paper bag for a small price… half lit to the moon we took a stroll from Mooses down Lewers Street until we somehow found our way under a Banyan Tree right next to the Sheridan on the beach!! There we practiced the horizontal mambo for a good hour before a couple of shipmates… ‘Funky Brewster & The Hert Locker’ came stumbl’n over us tripp’n over my pants around my ankles and ass moon shin’n up in the air as I was discover’n the joys of a honey pot from down under… if you know what I mean!! It was kinda embarrassing for the young lady but I gotta admit… I was feel’n like the man of the moment!!!

At this pass’e of any night on liberty it was usually time to head back to the ship half lit at 0500 hours in the morning tripping over every curb… stump… or shrub that happened to find its way into your path! I vaguely remember monkey’n up a palm tree on base pulling coconuts and throw’n  them down at my shipmates… no shit!! Right next to the tennis courts by the sub base!! I’m lucky my dumb ass didn’t fall straight down onto the concrete!!!

Yes there were many other memories of the Hawaiin Excursions… I’ll never forget the 96’ Rimpac when the American A6 Prowler off the Independence was shot down by the Japanese Destroyer Yuugiri during an awry AAW exercise… I remember watching that ship pull into Pearl Harbor the next morning with the Arizona Memorial in the backdrop right about time for ‘morning colors’ think’n to myself…

“Those poor bastards picked the wrong time to pull into port after that incident!!”

Or the trip in 98’ to the Polynesian Culture Center with a couple of my cohorts! I was keen on the idea of visiting one of Elvis Prestley’s favorite movie making spots but had no idea the place was ran by the Mormon Tabernacle… not that it mattered much but when we were commandeered onto a tour of the temple!! I felt like we’d been hornswaggled by these people in some kind of advertisement gig to join the church… it was a bit creepy to say the least!! I thought they were gonna break out the kool-aid and pull a Jim Jones on us… but it wasn’t all that dramatic… just a bit discerning they’d pull some hokey crap like that!!!

But one thing is for certain… Hawaii is one of them laid back kinda places where you can go just about anywhere in a straw hat… t-shirt… and flip flops and it’s considered appropriate attire! It’s one of them ports where every other dame you meet is called ‘Honey Girl’… and when you get back to the ship loaded to the hilt dressed down to your skivvies wondering where you left your clothes…

“I think I left them hang’n on the door at the Outrigger Hotel!”

“Which one?!? There’s a couple three or four dozen Outriggers in Waikiki!!”

“The one with the cathouse on the middle floor… or was that the hotel lobby?!”

Yep… I can still hear the sound of a couple of nonrated deckhands in the portside passageway heralding their return from a night of heavy drink’n and hell spent debauchery on the town with wild hookers and excessive carousing and laughter.

"Well ladies, you missed the fun tonight. There was a mud wrestling contest at Gussies and some guy off the Kinkaid rearranged his jaw with another fella’s fist arguing over a wet t-shirt contest at Mooses!! But we all got a nipple peek off one of those gals!! Great night in Waikiki I might ad!!!”

I’ve always felt sorry for the fellas who hated their time spent in the ol’ Canoe Club… You know the ones who served in Adak, Alaska as a personal yeomen passing out chits for some worthless bastard lieutenant who screwed up to get stationed there! For you fellas, you missed out on the women… the booze… the fouled mouthed good times… and all the memories of a lifetime!! In no other business could you go to far-away lands and far-away places hang’n out in tropical cathouses… smok’n cigars… hook’n up in some dirty tiki bar with a big tittied dame while gett’n loaded and say you’ve been a world traveler… yes… those youthful indiscretions… the world over!!!

An ol’ Salt & His Tattoo

An ol’ Salty Popeye look’n  ‘Crackerjack’ gets home from an overseas tour and his wife, Linda, asks…

 "So what the hell have you been up too while on deployment and why haven’t you called?"

The ol’ Salt replies…

 "I was out sailing the seven seas and getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo?" … she frowned … "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates!"

…he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

… she inquired while shaking her head in disdain!

 "Why on earth would a broke ass sailor get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow…  Two, once in a while I like to play with my money…  Three, I like how money feels in my hand…  And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping and spending every red cent I have to my name… now you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!"

‘Going AWOL’

A ‘Sailor’ ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked…

 "Please, may I hide under your habit? I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Shore Patrol ran up and asked…

"Sister, have you seen a young Sailor around here?"

To which the nun replied…

 "He went that way."

After the Shore Patrol ran off, the Sailor crawled out from under her habit and said…

"I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go on deployment to Iraq!"

To which the nun replied…

"I understand completely."

The Sailor added…

 "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a hairy pair of legs!"

As the nun retorted…

"If you'd looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go on deployment to Iraq either."