Wednesday, August 21, 2013

'Crusty Ol' Master Chief'


A former Crusty Master Chief from the  ol’ Canoe Club took a new job as a high school teacher.  Just before the school year started, he injured his back.  He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body, but fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. 


On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.  The smart ass punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Navy guy, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.  

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.  When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence...

The rest of the year went very smoothly.




Tuesday, August 13, 2013

'How The Military Works In The Eyes Of A Sailor'

First you got the Air Force that flies in and bombs the hill...
Next are the Marines who charge the hill and kill anything that moves...
After that the Army comes in puts up the flag and stands there like they've done something special...
All the while, the Navy sits back and rules the world!!!


Monday, August 5, 2013

'Old Chief And His Parrot'



An old retired Chief recently widowed goes to a pet shop to purchase a companion of some sort to keep him company. Since he lives in a small apartment, he asks about birds...

"This parrot is an excellent talker, Sir!"

The parrot looks sideways at the ol’ Chief and says…

 "Good morning, Chief."

"Why, what a well-behaved creature! I'll take him."

So he takes the bird home, and the little squaker appeared to be the model of civility,
always greeting him with a polite…

 "Good morning, Chief!"

So he invites a lady friend over for dinner, who is a real knockout beauty. As soon as the parrot sees her, he lets fly a string of sexual obscenities, turning both the Chief and the lady scarlet red!

 "I'm so sorry, Evelyn! He's never behaved like this before!"

After Chief’s friend leaves, he decides to teach the bird a lesson, so he shoves it in the refrigerator for an hour, then sticks it back on it’s perch. Opening one eye slowly, shivering, he slowly grabs hold of his perch…

 "Hoo, boy! I better be careful with this Ol’ Coot!"

But the next time the lady comes over, the gauddamned bird can’t help itself. Out
Fly’s another string of sexual profanity! This time, the Ol’ Chief wastes no time,
and in front of his guest stuffs the bird right into the freezer! When it’s retrieved, it takes a full hour for it to thaw on it’s perch and warm up.

A few days later, Chief looks the vile bird in the eye…

 "Listen, you, my boss is coming over for dinner tonight, so you better behave your-
self!"

 "Yes, Chief!!"

But his boss is over two hours early, in time to visit in the kitchen while the ol’ Chief prepares dinner. While the parrot watches, he plucks a chicken, turns the oven up to 400 degrees and sticks it in. At the top of his voice, and in front of the Chief’s boss, the parrot exclaims…

"Holy shit! I wonder what the fuck *he* said!!"


Thursday, August 1, 2013

 
San Miguel... serving the fleet since the 1920's!!!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

'Bin'

A Fictional Story written by Vermyn Carrion!!!

Bin was every bargirl’s nightmare. A rapidly aging ruin of dissolute human flotsam, they shuddered whenever he heaved into view. He was short, old, fat, bi-spectacled, and bald, and he slobbered whenever he opened his mouth. He couldn’t even walk properly.

To tell the truth, he didn’t really walk at all; rather he lurched from one bar to another like a drunken sailor. The rumor among his colleagues was he had Alzheimer’s disease. The rumor among the boites and gin-mills of Fun City was less kind.

All the demimondaines and distaff interests said he had AIDS.

It wasn’t just the way he looked that put the bargirls off. Bin was addicted to a variety of el sicko sexual perversions which, in a properly civilized country, would have put him behind bars (the kind they have in jail, not the kind you drink at) for life.

Among his more printable perversions, he liked to lick girl’s armpits and chew their toes. It wasn’t till he was 68 years old that he discovered the missionary position, and when he did, he rejected it as requiring too much effort.

Slobbering, drooling, doddering, and grossly corpulent, every bargirl gagged and retched whenever Bin staggered into the bar. Most of them ran and hid under the counter, or barricaded themselves in the toilet, out of fear that he would try to buy them out.

If a girl was slow to flee, Bin would spot her, point at her, roar,

“That one! I want THAT one! Yeah! Her! The one with the BIG TITS! I like BIG TITS! I wanna chew and chomp and munch and slurp and gobble on ‘em, y’hear? Grab her! Bind her! And convey her to my waiting chariot!”

Thereupon the hysterically weeping victim would be seized, gagged, trussed up in chains, fettered like a common criminal, and carried to Bin’s waiting tuk-tuk by an army of touts and pimps, subsequently to be whisked to his lair to suffer the multiple penile atrocities that he would inflict upon her ravaged vagina, not to mention sundry other vulnerable portions of her abused anatomy.

In brief, Bin was not loved. But he didn’t care...

 “Dirty old men need sex too,”

…he would often say. Indeed, despite his somewhat unattractive persona, Bin was a crusader for the carnal rights of dirty old men.

He had written numerous letters to his congressman in the States proposing an amendment to the Constitution that would give every man over the age of 60 a guaranteed right to daily 18-year-old pussy. He sincerely believed that the best thing that could happen to a virginal young girl was to have some bloated, stinking, disease-raddled, verminous, hiccupping old goat collapse on top of her in a drunken stupor after shooting his sperm-wad into her.

Then he met Jenela! Jenela was a hardened lil’ LBFM who had been working the bars since she was young. She was famous for having taken on 40 sailors from the Seventh Fleet one night, both individually and in groups, on one notable evening in Subic. Now 27, she was working at the Hooyah Bar in Barrio Barretto when Bin came lurching through the doors, gasping and farting, the front of his shirt covered with vomit and the crotch of his pants stained with fresh urine and old gonorrhea-droppings.

Repulsive, disgusting, and sodden with drink, the ravishing lovely Jenela watched with growing amusement and contempt as Bin made his play for one girl after another—and failed every time. His idea of how to win a young girl’s heart was to bellow,

“Hey you! Come over here, take off your bra and sit on my prick. I buy you drink drink.”

That failing, he would grab spastically for any girl who came within reach. Since he was nearsighted, he often grabbed male customers instead. This was one reason why he had no teeth.

Night after night, Bin tottered into the Hooyah Bar and struck out every time. None of the girls would go near him. Occasionally one of them would scream at him,

“Hey, you ugly old mother-fucker, why you no go home to bed? You too old, too fat, too ugly, too dirty for us! No girl want to be fucked by you even if you give her twenny thousand peso!”

But Bin failed to take the hint. He was too drunk, and his cells too ravaged by age and alcohol. When one girl shrieked at him to “Pitt opp,” he couldn’t even manage the translation into English.

Finally Jenela decided to make her move…

“I going to teash dat dirty old mother-fucker a letton,” she boasted to her colleagues. “Jenela fuck him to deat’. You wash.”

The next time Bin stumbled into the bar, Jenela was ready. She immediately sat down in the booth beside him (Bin was too fat for an ordinary barstool) and commenced stroking his inner thigh...

“Herro, wha you name, I rove you too mush, you buy me one drink drink, we go your hotel to fuck,”

…she whispered seductively, all in one breath.

Bin blinked. Voluptuous, busty, and earth-motherish, with a sensuous mouth that promised fellatial ecstasy, he was immediately aroused. Even in his usual comatose, alcohol-fogged stupor, he could tell that this reception was different from the one he usually received.

But Bin was not a man to waste time in unproductive introspection. Instantly, without a word, he grabbed her, pulled her to him, and shoved her breasts into his mouth. That is, he shoved both breasts into his mouth. No, I mean he shoved one breast into each mouth. Well, he shoved each breast into his mouth in turn. You get the idea. (Do I have to draw a picture?) This, as he often bragged to skeptical colleagues, was what he called the ‘direct’ approach.

“…Ohhhhh…,”

Jenela sighed, feigning mammarian pleasure as Bin slobbered all over her bosom, pausing only once to upchuck down her cleavage.

“Bin have no teet’. Like babe!”

Bin removed her middle breast from his mouth and spoke for the first time...

“We go fuck!”

…he announced briskly.

This was going to be tougher than she thought, Jenela realized as she gazed in revulsion at Bin’s flaccid, obese body, stinking with sweat and covered with gray hair, its pubic region dotted with venereal moles, its tiny, wrinkled male member dangling from beneath his protruding belly like an elongated wart hanging from the belly of a giant toad. He collapsed on the bed, vomited once, and commenced snoring like a hog as soon as they got home, his great white belly heaving with the effort of each breath like a pregnant sow in labor.

But Jenela was an accomplished young lady of considerable sexual skills. She managed to awaken him and arouse him through various oral techniques, a detailed description of which I shall omit for fear of offending the delicate sensibilities of the fastidious and gently bred reader. During the process, she made a discovery which other girls had only guessed at. In addition to his other virtues, Bin was impotent. Jenela tried every oral trick she knew, including singing to it, but it would just not get hard... A sort of floppy semi-erection was the best that Bin could manage.

But Jenela, as the discerning reader will already have deduced, was a woman of singular ingenuity. She managed to get Bin into a state of erection, more or less, by tying his organ to a Q-tip with dental floss.

Then she went to work. As Bin lay there, flat on his back, gasping and wheezing like a great beached whale, Jenela got on top of him, inserted his Q-tip-enhanced organ into her, and began to writhe.

Did I say writhe? Writhe is too weak a word to describe the sinuous contortions, the rhythmic grindings, the sensuous pelvic rotations and vaginal thrusts which she performed over Bin’s recumbent and bulbous corpse. He groaned with pleasure…

 “More!!”

…he moaned.

Jenela stepped up the pace, shifting into second gear, as it were. She writhed and thrashed and bumped and ground and churned and rotated faster and faster. Bin was gasping and groaning now, and his flaccid little peter was almost able to stand erect on its own, without the aid of the Q-tip, which by now was quite soggy and beginning to bend.

Then, just as he was about to achieve orgasm… the chest pains came. They ripped through his gross body like shafts of lightning…

 “Nooooo,”

…he gasped. His body twitched and jerked and fluttered.

Then the orgasm came, in great spasmodic surges, and he flooded Jenela’s thrashing womb with his ancient sperm.

“More!”

…he shrieked with his dying breath. His heart gave one final thump, his vesicle yielded up its last sperm-wad, he voided his bowels in one final convulsion, and Bin lay lifeless on the bed.

Jenela dismounted and gazed in mingled revulsion and satisfaction at the bloated carcass lying in a puddle of its own shit. It was already beginning to putrefy, she realized; but then, it had been putrid from the beginning.

She washed up in the bathroom, got dressed, emptied Bin’s wallet, and left the apartment without so much as a second glance at his decaying corpse.

“For that they should make me a lady of the realm!”

…she murmured as she got into the tuk-tuk.

Meanwhile, deep within the hidden inner recesses of her womb, sperm locked onto ovum and a ‘Little Bin’ slowly came into being!!!



Thursday, July 18, 2013

'Cumshaw And The Art Of Horse Trade'

Back in the days of the OL’ Canoe Club… when crackerjacks still cussed like sailors and many ships still had wooden decks there was a form of Horse Trade known as ‘Cumshaw!’ I know many of you ol’ coots remember that phrase!!  Won’t hear of it in todays ‘PC’ no time for monkey business light in the loafer kinda’ Navy!! But back in the day… Cumshaw was the barter system involving all forms of unofficial trade encompassing smokes, chewing tobacco, cinnamon buns, tools, and nekkit lady books!!    Yep… that big heaping grey hull filled with seamen was noth’n more than a floating utopia of repair shops, supply centers, store rooms, hospital facilities, food stores & refers and just about anything else under the sun needed for a ‘Cumshaw Artist’ to get the job done!!!

Yes… procurement of required goods outside the supply chain was usually done by swap, barter, trade… mutual backscratching and robbing Peter to Pay Paul kinda’ thing!! Most unauthorized work was contemplated, capitulated and carried on using this primitive form of bartering with a small degree of larceny involved! Sometimes a can of coffee, carton of cigarettes or a log of Copenhagen could go a long way… especially far away from homeport!!

The best in the business could go out to the shipyard and get a large ‘thousand’ ton crane to haul hookers across the forecastle if the price was right!  One fella comes to mind off the ol’ Chucky ‘V’!! FC2 Allen was his name… quite the sly fox… he knew more methods to getting his way than a room full of lawyers I tell you!!! If you needed an extra pair of flight deck boots, he knew where to find them… an old gear head or vacuum tube they don’t make any more… he had a ready spare tucked away somewhere!! If it wasn’t in supply or it was too hard to get he knew somebody somewhere… a tender, MOTU, SIMA… that could hook us up!!

He always got away with it like a fat rat with cheese! I asked him how he got so good at the hookup game…

“I started out with nothing and still have most of it left... but favors for favors is better than money any day!”

Then there was the Pneumatic Chain Hoist Caper on the pier… while on the Ol’ Lucky No 7 we needed a new winch’n system as ours in the CIWS magazine had some internal problems! Well low and behold, there was a nice shiny Ingersoll Rand Two Tonner sitt’n right there on the pier just waiting for the taking!! Never figured out who it belonged too, just put a rag in my pocket… grabbed a junior shipmate… wiped it down… we picked it up… and we had a beautiful brand new air ran chain pulley!! And with a little bit of barter here and there the next thing you know we had it load tested and ready to go!!!  

Yep… I had to do a lot of cumshaw trad’n in my earlier years… especially when it came to gett’n paint, primer, some forms of hazmat before they invented the shipwide MSDS dickity doo! Usually the ship’s paint locker operated outside its own scheduled hours… never in a consistent manner and if you really needed something fierce, you’d better be willing to hook up the Boatswain Locker Bureaucrats because nothing was leaving their locker without their authorization!!!

Sometimes it was easier to go to the shipyard and get what you needed! Usually they had some shop that could and would help out for a minor fee!  Other times they had a warehouse that just wasn’t fully secure… in the case of the Puget Sound CIA area, you know right next to where they tear all the old subs apart?!? There was a fenced in area with noth’n but half empty paint cans and other stuff that could de-oxidize the Brooklyn Bridge… it all became useful!! We’d been grinding away at our decks and sponsons on the Chucky ‘V’ and found out about this paraphernalia called rust inhibitor worked wonders on cancerous corroded surfaces!! This stuff looked like it had been incubated in the farthest corners of a rhinoceros’s nasal cavity… all slimy and gooey!! We’d sneak into the fence late at night and siphon off two or three coffee cans of that treasured lubricated specimen making sure not to take too much ‘cause even silly hungover yardbirds can figure out when they’d been hoodwinked over time!!!

Funny thing is, we’d often get those same fellas to do some trade for powder coating and chroming of hand rails, lifelines and chains! Didn’t take much… just some empty shell casings, tool bags, ammo cans, an extra pair of boots or some yummy cinnamon buns!! 

And overseas… bartering was the law of the land, especially in Hong Kong! Any scrap metal, especially brass was like gold over there!! An ol’ Sea Daddy used to tell me…

“A port without trade is like a fish’n boat without nets!”

… A few Five Inch Brass Shell casings and a few cartons of smokes would usually do the trick!!! Those Chinese boat people would come aside and white wash the hulls with the finest haze grey and finish out a space or two just in time for liberty call!! With that came max liberty and a great port-o-call!!!

But I found being stationed in Bremerton there was a treasure trough of cumshaw to be tapped into on the waterfront… especially all those decommissioning ships out there! The Pyro, Parche, Arkansas, Truxton, Independence, just to name a few were all pull’n in with skeleton crews just ready to be molested!! A bit of scouting around those decomm boats and you could find tools… spare parts… some old nudie mags and plenty more to pick over like seagoing termites on a wooden schooner!! 

“How bout stealing us some gauddamn tools… Pick up some ready spares as well and an extra gun barrel for the CIWS mount if you can lay your hands on one."

Re-appropriating stuff off a decomm had become second nature to anyone homeported in the Northwest! We procured lots of ready service spares, tools, DRT parts, foul weather jackets, T-wrenches, DC fittings, gaskets, nautical doo hickeys, and little electronic dippity doos we had no idea what they were for or how they worked… but if it could be used for trade it went with us… free of charge!! Hell those ships are still just sitt’n around mothballed for the last twenty or thirty years!! Even my very first ship, the Baglady, was sitt’n there oxidating in the cold water before she got sold for scrap!! Hell I think we’d even taken a bell from one of the Quarterdeck POOW Shacks… cross pier thievery to the thirty-third degree…

 "You can leave a fresh turd on the table and someone will walk off with it in ten seconds around here!"

Then again if you were really smart you’d learned that the Filipino Mafia was pretty much in control of all the goods and had all the connections to food, supplies, laundry and the Barbershop amongst many other things! If you got in real good with these fellas they could ensure a crackerjack’s quality of life was well tak’n care of with plenty of kickbacks!! To be connected to the Filipino Mafia was to get faster… better service than anyone else… needed your ears lowered… they took care of you… needed a specially pressed uniform… they invented that hocus-pocus!!

These silly sons-a-bitches siphoned off more cumshaw around the world than ‘Ali-Baba and the Forty Thieves!’ Yes… nepotism and corruption were rampant but these fellas had all the goods… plus the pansit, lumpia, and a girl named Rosa waiting just for you in Olongapo!! They were a tight group too!! Hell they even ran the Navy Exchange!!!

And if you didn’t want to deal with the mighty second hand slop served on the messdecks or the burnt out horsecock and hockey pucks being served for midrats with a side of buzzard balls tainted with lizard pheromone… and some old ‘East German Lady Olympian Gym Shorts’ it might behoove you to get real chummy with these guys!! Arnel was the Chief Culinary Specialist on my last boat… ‘King’ of the Filipino Mafia onboard!! He could get you just about anything you wanted… and made some killer Swedish Meatballs… but everybody was complaining…

“Arnel, what’s up with all the gauddamned rice you always feed us?  Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner… since when did rice become a staple in the US Navy? “

… another would say…

“I feel like one of them gauddamned  ‘Little Rascals’ eating mush all the damned time… enough is enough!”

“It’s cheap, cheap! You guys complain too much… I get rid of rice, you stop complaining!”

That son-of-a-bitch was slicker than a minnow’s dick! Next thing we knew the rice disappeared and the meatballs turned into porcupine balls and we’d plum been duped… he was putting the rice in the meatballs!! We were gonna shove that shit down our throats rather we wanted it or not!!!

But that ol’ art of cumshaw, sailor bargaining underhanded giveaways was just a delightful part of our evocative past! All those midnight requisitioninig cloak-n-dagger Paint Locker Raids… Now you See it Now you don’t kind of nonsense… You’d get a one way ticket to the ol’ Naval Consolidate Brig nowadays for hustling the Yeoman and swindling the midwatch in a game of cross pier transport pilfering!!!
     
The ol’ swashbuckl’n days are all over now! The salty ol’ coots from yesteryear would welcome you with a smile on their ugly mugs and regale you with bullshit at close inspection lacked anything certifiable or credible!! They’d have you decked out with relative bearing grease… the ‘Captain’s Crank,’ batteries for the sound powered phones and a ‘BT’ Punch all before the ensign was lowered at sunset!! These my friends were your very first important lessons in the art of horse trade & cumshaw while learning to be humble and not snitch on your watch captain!! Just remember the first thing they taught you before you left for Boot Camp… when in the showers, ‘NEVER… EVER’ drop the soap!!!
Yep… working in the Cumshaw Navy was at times like surviving a prison camp… eventually, it would turn the best of us to a life of acceptable crime... it was just a matter of time…



Wednesday, July 17, 2013

NAVTRA 50-CENT-DRAUGHT BEER TROUBLESHOOTING MANUAL

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.