'Drunken Street Corner Sailor'

 A drunk sailor smashed to the gills, staggered out of the bar and was holding

himself up by the lamp post staring blearily around.  He spotted this gentleman across the street who managed to engage all the pretty girls in a brief conversation as they went by.  Well, this looked pretty good to him, so he staggered across the street and went up the man and demanded to know what was up...

"Get lost you drunk squid… go back to your own corner!"

"Not till you tell me what's going on!"

"Get out of here!"

"(Hiccup) Nope…  Not till you tell me what's going on."

"If I tell you, will you go away?" 

"(Hiccup)Yep…"

"OK.  Every time a pretty girl comes along, I tip my hat and say to her

'Tickle your ass with a feather?'  Now, usually, they look shocked and say something like 'What did you say?' at which time I tell them 'Particularly nasty weather, isn't it?'  They think they didn't understand me and go on their way, nobody is offended.  Eventually the right woman with a sense of adventure will come along and we'll go off and have a good time."

The drunken sailor thought this sounded pretty good, so he staggered back across the street and held on to his light pole again. Pretty soon a young lady came along and he called out…

"Hey lady!  Stick a feather up your ass?"

"What did you say?!"

"I said, sure is fucked up weather, ain't it?"



'Three Drunken Sailors'

Three drunken sailors show up at the local whorehouse in Spain and the madam realizes they are too drunk to be able to function.  One by one, she sends them up to a room containing an inflatable rubber love doll. 

The first drunk returns bragging…

“That’s the best sex I’ve ever had!”

The second drunken sailor does the same, but the third one returns with a puzzled look on his face.  When asked about it by his buddies he says…

"I thought I was doing great until I bit her on the tit… she let a fart and flew out the window!!!" 

'More Skivvy Waver Humor'

The new ensign was standing his first night watch on the bridge of a destroyer. Far out on the horizon, the USS New Jersey was conducting a night gunnery exercise.

The ensign, seeing the flashes of light from the battleship, ran excitedly up to the signal bridge and pointed out the Morse Code coming from the other ship to which the ensign queries…

 "What are they saying… What are they saying?!?"

To which the Signalman retorts…

 "Boom. Boom!!!"

'Crusty Ol' Master Chief'



A former Crusty Master Chief from the  ol’ Canoe Club took a new job as a high school teacher.  Just before the school year started, he injured his back.  He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body, but fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. 

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.  The smart ass punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Navy guy, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.  

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.  When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence...

The rest of the year went very smoothly.



'How The Military Works In The Eyes Of A Sailor'

First you got the Air Force that flies in and bombs the hill...

Next are the Marines who charge the hill and kill anything that moves...

After that the Army comes in puts up the flag and stands there like they've done something special...

All the while, the Navy sits back and rules the world!!!

'Old Chief And His Parrot'



An old retired Chief recently widowed goes to a pet shop to purchase a companion of some sort to keep him company. Since he lives in a small apartment, he asks about birds...

"This parrot is an excellent talker, Sir!"

The parrot looks sideways at the ol’ Chief and says…

 "Good morning, Chief."

"Why, what a well-behaved creature! I'll take him."

So he takes the bird home, and the little squaker appeared to be the model of civility,

always greeting him with a polite…

 "Good morning, Chief!"

So he invites a lady friend over for dinner, who is a real knockout beauty. As soon as the parrot sees her, he lets fly a string of sexual obscenities, turning both the Chief and the lady scarlet red!

 "I'm so sorry, Evelyn! He's never behaved like this before!"

After Chief’s friend leaves, he decides to teach the bird a lesson, so he shoves it in the refrigerator for an hour, then sticks it back on it’s perch. Opening one eye slowly, shivering, he slowly grabs hold of his perch…

 "Hoo, boy! I better be careful with this Ol’ Coot!"

But the next time the lady comes over, the gauddamned bird can’t help itself. Out

Fly’s another string of sexual profanity! This time, the Ol’ Chief wastes no time,

and in front of his guest stuffs the bird right into the freezer! When it’s retrieved, it takes a full hour for it to thaw on it’s perch and warm up.

A few days later, Chief looks the vile bird in the eye…

 "Listen, you, my boss is coming over for dinner tonight, so you better behave your-

self!"

 "Yes, Chief!!"

But his boss is over two hours early, in time to visit in the kitchen while the ol’ Chief prepares dinner. While the parrot watches, he plucks a chicken, turns the oven up to 400 degrees and sticks it in. At the top of his voice, and in front of the Chief’s boss, the parrot exclaims…

"Holy shit! I wonder what the fuck *he* said!!"

 

San Miguel... serving the fleet since the 1920's!!!