‘SEABEES’



Three ladies were talking one day. One says...

"I got stung by a honey bee and my whole hand swelled up!"

The second lady says...

"I got stung by a bumble bee and my whole arm swole up!"

The third one says...

"Thats nothing, I once got stung by a Seabee and my whole belly swole up!!!"

'NAVY TROUBLESHOOTING'

'Bigger The Rank ... Bigger The Curve'

I remember my years on the Chucky ‘V’ there was a running joke about ‘The Penile Curve’…

…“The bigger the rank, the bigger the curve!”

This was to signify just how big a prick one could be the further up the Chain of Command one had climbed!!!

 That was before women were allowed on combat ships! Today a codpiece would be much more fitting all around! The bigger the rank, the bigger the codpiece… to better make the point!! Throw in a Sailor Jerry Tattoo to give it that douche’ Ed Hardy brandish look!!  I’d imagine a "Born to Die Hard" logo would fit nicely!!!

Don't miscalculate the value of such an approach in today’s fashion show Navy! They can be more than fashion statements… no, just ad a zipper for the Admiral so he could keep his trusty tools and tackle as might be suitable in his haste of need… a few extra medals, his cell phone, car keys… a bridge to bridge radio so he can keep up with the various Commodores and Captains he’s associated with!! Though keep it off channel – 16… the Filipino Monkey could be quite an embarrassment...

" I got Big Banana for All you Girl when you get Import!"

The more I contemplate, the better it seems! We might include a smoke-generator in case of the need for Engineering Drills!! I figure the bewilderment alone would paralyze the hardiest of crews!! How about a packet of shark repellant in case he fell over the side!! Or a compartment for cigars…  kinda like a purse for guys!!!

'The Admiral's Daughter'

 An admiral says to his daughter…

“Darling if you ever marry a sailor, promise me you won't do it the other way!”

She says…

 “Yes daddy!”

… not really knowing what he meant…

As time goes by and she is about to marry a sailor, the father says…

“Darling, you will promise me that you will not do it the other  way?”

“Yes daddy…”

She says, again not knowing what he meant.  Six months later, whilst the sex was fantastic, she turns to her husband in bed and says…

Honey, do you think we could do it the other way?”

“What?!?

… He replies…

“… and risk having babies?!?

'Still Eluded By The Infamous Donkey Show'



Where’s the Donkey Show… Can you point me in the right direction     Por Favor?!?

‘Dear Peter Pan’

Dear Peter Pan Peanut Butter Manufactures…

I am currently out to sea floating around in circles defending the American Way of Life. I am serving in the United States Navy upon an Oiler home ported out of Norfolk, VA.  The reason I am writing you this letter is three fold…

1.  I am bored…

2.  I’m hoping you’ll send me lots of free stuff…

3.  To let you know how your peanut butter is responsible for saving the lives of many, including me!!!

We are usually out to sea Monday thru Friday! We try to get home one or two weekends a month!! All those stories you hear about how good Navy Chow is are a pack of lies!!!

I have been on active duty for 17 years and the motto has always been ‘the Navy’s Cooks are Death from Within’…

They do their damnedest to try and live up to that motto! I’m telling you, if this were prison instead of a mighty warship… I would start begging for the lethal injection!!!

All the jobs in the Navy are passed out by aptitude tests! If you are too stupid to chip paint, you get to be a Navy Cook!! An example of our menu items…

·         Hamburgers… Hard as Fuck and commonly used as a hockey puck… generally known as sliders…

·         French Fries… still frozen in the middle and often referred to as lady fingers…

·         Fish Heads in Orange Hollandaise Sauce… at least I think it’s Hollandaise Sauce… who the fuck knows…

·         Pancakes that double as tire repair kits…

·         Chili with no chili powder in it… but loaded with Pete’s Hot Sauce… Guaranteed to give you an ulcer…

·         AND Kool-Aid or as they call it Bug Juice… What the fuck… What kind of idiot fucks up Kool-Aid?!? There is usually not enough water or sugar mixed in and it usually takes a gauddamned day or two for your mouth to unpucker enough to fit a cigarette between your lips…

·         But if we’re lucky… we might have a jar of Peter Pan Peanut Butter – Extra Crunchy! Put some of this on a World War II era chewy stale saltine cracker and you would swear that you just sat down for dinner at a five star restaurant!!!

It’s been said numerous times upon my mighty Warship that Peter Pan deserves some kind of medal! I agree!! He is the best cook we have on board!! As long as we have Peter Pan Peanut Butter available… that means I don’t have to catch me a seagull and bite it’s head off to maintain the strength necessary to defend the free world!!!

Your Hunts Ketchup helps as well… as everything we eat gets covered in ketchup! Hell, some of us even eat ketchup sandwiches!! Dog Turds are even palatable when covered by enough ketchup!! Dog Turds would be a welcome break from what they are trying to feed us for lunch!!!

So keep making that Peanut Butter! Keep selling it to the Navy… and be proud of the patriotic duty that you are doing for your country!! Keeping the Men and Women of the World’s Greatest Navy from starving to death!!!

God Bless Peter Pan

Seaman First Class Joe…

'It Takes All Kinds Of Characters'

There's All Kinds Of Characters On Every Ship...