'Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?'

Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA): The purpose is to

familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing

should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise.

Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety

observer.

-

Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS): Due to the needs of the Navy,

chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road.

This will be 3-year unaccompanied tour and we promise to give the

chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be

required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not

affect its opportunities for future promotion.

-

Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC): This event will need confirmation;

we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and

weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within

the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility

that they might cross thruways designated by some as "roads."

-

Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Naval Forces, Europe (CINC VEUR):

The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken

remained under the OPCON of COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP

to the theater on the other side of the road. Without Chopping, the

chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect,

real-time in-transit visibility.

-

Naval Intelligence: What chicken?

-

Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIR): The chicken was instructed

to hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported

in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-

emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short

instructions.

-

Space and Naval Warfare Systems Command (SPAWAR): The

"stovepipe" chickens of today will be replaced with a multi-function,

supported, affordable, integrated and interoperable world-class

chicken to warriors and supporting elements, enabling them to

dominate the roads of today and tomorrow, as we move "Forward...

From the Sea." Comptroller holds and corporate taxes, however, will

require delay fielding for two years, unless Congressional plus-ups

are approved.

-

Lockheed-Martin Chicken Systems (LMCS): In a partnering relationship

with PEO IWS, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical

distribution strategy and implementation processes. LMCS helped

the chicken change to continue meeting its PEO IWS mission.

However, the actual crossing of the road has not occurred due to

the number of CPCRs still open from the CDR.

-

Special Operations Command (SOCOM): The Chicken was never there.

-

NAVAL SAFETY CENTER: Due to the increase in the visibility of

the possible dangers in chicken crossings both real and perceived a

Navy-wide Chicken Road Crossing Shall Safety Stand-Down will be

conducted prior to the end of this quarter. Chicken Road Crossing

Safety Stand-downs will be planned by the each command's safety

committee, safety council, and submitted to the planning board for

training (PB for T) for scheduling in the POW/D.

-

OPNAV: Due to the recent rash of chicken road crossing events,

OPNAV N 12T has order COMOPTEVFOR to conduct a Chicken Road

Crossing Deep Dive.

-

National Security Agency (NSA): We do not have any definitive

information on the Chicken Crossing the Road (CCTR). NSA only has

CCTR metadata or "data about data" of the CCTR. So we can only

tell you how many times the road was crossed, not who crossed it.

  

                     

'ExPats'

When I picture the ol’ salts who are now expats hang’n the fray in faraway places like the PI… I picture this!!!

Holding fond memories of Olongapo, Barrio and Subic City… oh, and the place that made ‘Smiles’ famous, it’s become a retirement home to ol’ forgone Sailors & Marines!!!

I bet you promised yourself you’d behave when you got there! But it only took a half pitcher of Mojo, a few San Migoos and a Viagra or Two… and off to the races in your Hawaiian Shirts and plaid shorts with your black socks on under your flip flops… HaHaHaHa!!!

 Those exotic little brown women… They smile, wink and say,

"Hey you, you buy me drink?"

They know the exact amount 'American' it cost for you to get beyond their panties! Yes… A little slice of erotic intimacy with the meter running!! At the going rate of the peso, you can get drunk, laid, and a monkey meat fiesta for less than an hour’s pay in the states!!!

So, there you are in a foreign land… half lit-up, plotting an adventure in unacceptable behavior… … a romp through youthful indiscretion! Envious?!? Your Gauddamned right I am!!!  

Those little dark-eyed darlings with stuff residing under those cute little skirts that'll have you drunk on lust! Nothing like a place to lounge and get loaded while basking in the sun and chasing Honey-koes day in and day out while living like Kings!! That’s the life!!!

'The Gamblers'

When asked by the Commodore how some compulsive gamblers were doing as sailors, the captain said,

"Generally fine, except when they hear, All hands on deck, then they all pick up their cards!"

'Happy 4th Of July Shipmates!'

‘More Electronic Tales’

This one is from an ET from years ago in the ol’ Canoe Club…

On my last cruise, we had an Electronics Tech Chief Warrant Officer named Mr. VanLeuveny… no idea if I spelled it right so we’ll refer to him as Mr. Van! He was on his last cruise after Twenty-Seven years active duty and due to retire four days after getting back stateside!! Mr. Van knew more about the Spruance Can electronics than anyone else in the Navy… I’m sure of it!!!

Now, our ship had a problem keeping the ETs fully manned so anyone with any gauddamned experience troubleshooting whatsoever ended up in ‘Repair 8!’ Needless to say the SPS-40 air search radar console in CIC was a piece of shit!! It died on the hour about every three days underway and no one but Mr. Van could figure out how to fix it!!!

When CIC called a tech would go to CIC, examine the exterior of the console for a couple of minutes play with switches, move the trackball then call Mr. Van! Mr. Van would come up, give the side of the console a couple of whacks with his size 12 brogan and the damn thing would start back up working fine for another week before it would crap out again! All the techs tried to work on it replacing every fuse, circuit card, and that & the other electronic component they could think of except for the CRT and the chassis!! We damned near rebuilt the son-of-a-bitch blowing the entire ET budget for parts!! We spent ‘121’ days on radar picket without an air search radar … that’s military logic for you!!!

Needless to say, we’d been busier than a one-armed bandit in a circle jerk contest trying to figure out why it wouldn’t stay up and running!!!

Finally about four days out from homeport, Mr. Van calls everyone into Repair 8! He glares at us and says…

"There's not a one of you I trust for anything when it comes to troubleshooting! All you sons-a-bitches are fired! The only thing you’re allowed to do until I leave is change a light bulb! Now follow me!"

So we all trooped after him to CIC as he led us over the 40 console! He took a screwdriver from his pocket and removed the access cover from the side, then he removed a small flat nut holding it high explaining how if it was a snake it would’a bit us kind’a thing and that it was the nut that held the grounding strap on the console completing the circuit!!  By kicking the side, all we were doing was restoring the contact to complete the circuit with the chassis until it vibrated loose again!!!

The rule at the time required all removed electronic parts be returned to Supply so they could turn it back in for warranty! Mr. Van kept the used parts in his cabin, and thank god he had a single cabin since none of the boards were bad!! The total cost of our troubleshooting efforts was somewhere in the neighborhood of over $100,000 for something a 90 cent tube of Loctite could have fixed!!!

We loved Mr. Van but man was he pissed…

“I feel like I’m surrounded by a bunch’a retards in a short bus outside a ‘Chucky Cheese’ parking lot!”

… He got over it, but we sure looked like a bunch of dummies!! Boy, the memories… like the smell of coffee brewing in the early morning!!!

‘Keyhole in the Door’

Ahoy, Shipmate! Come aboard and lend an ear to as lusty a broadside of sea shanties as ever warmed the briny deep…

                                      

I had just come home and I took a room,

I was all settled down to recline,

When I saw a delectable maid go by,

To the room next door to mine

Like the bold Columbus then,

I set out to explore,

And I took up my position by

The keyhole on the door...

Chorus:

The keyhole in the door,

My boys, the keyhole in the door

took up my position

By the keyhole in the door...

She first took off her slippers,

Her dainty feet to show,

And then she took her panties off

And revealed her so-and-so,

And when she stretched out on her bed,

I couldn't stand no more,

It was one, two, three, I turned the key

In the keyhole in the door…

She didn't say a single word.

But she took me in her arms,

And pretty soon I was much engaged,

In charting all her charms

But just in case some other sailor

`D see the sights I saw,

I hung my trousers right above

The keyhole in the door…

That night I rode in glorious style,

And other things besides,

And on her lily white stomach, Boys,

I had such lovely rides

But when I woke next morning, Boys,

My instrument was sore

As if I had been using it

On the keyhole in the door…

Be warned by this, young sailormen

And listen unto me,

What I caught then, no fishermen

Have ever caught at sea

Beware the pox, the hidden rocks,

That lie in wait ashore,

It's safer far to bend your spar

In the keyhole in the door…