'Real Chiefs'

As the season ends for the newly selected Chiefs in our hallowed Mess, remember these words of encouragement as real Chiefs…

Real Chiefs don’t order supplies, they swap for them

Real Chiefs favorite quote comes from the movie Ben Hur, “We keep you alive to serve the ship.”

Real Chiefs know that excessive modesty is their only fault!

Real Chiefs hate to write evaluations, except for their own!

Real Chiefs turn in a four page brag sheet for their evaluation!

Real Chiefs always say their last ship was their best ship!

Real Chiefs know that the black tar in their coffee cup makes them coffee taste better!

Real Chiefs are proudest when one of their former strikers makes Chief!

Real Chiefs idea of heave: Three good PO1’s and a Division Officer who does what he is told!

Real Chiefs think John Wayne would have made a good Chief if he had ont gone soft and made Marine movies!

Real Chiefs never go to Sick Call!

Real Chiefs have to go out and bring everyone back!

Real Chiefs know that you never wrestle with a pig because you both get dirty, and the pig likes it!

Real Chiefs never argue with an idiot because people watching may not be able to tell the difference!

Real Chiefs observe everything, but admire nothing!

Real Chiefs know that they will always get what they inspect, not what they expect!

Real Chiefs agreed with John Wayne when he said, “Life is tough! But it’s tougher when you’re stupid!”

Real Chiefs know that no sailor is completely worthless, because worst case, they serve as a good bad example!

Real Chiefs know that there’s no help program like a self-help program!

Real Chiefs will tell you that, “If you are going to do something stupid, at least be smart about it!”

Real Chiefs assume nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood and they act accordingly!

Real Chiefs view land as a mere hazard to navigation!

Real Chiefs never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity!

Real Chiefs never take the advice of someone who has not had their kind of trouble!

Real Chiefs know that if it is stupid but works, it is not stupid!

Real Chiefs will tell you that you can survive on charm for about 5 minutes, after that, you’d better know something!

Real Chiefs know that assumption is the mother of all screw-ups!

Real Chiefs never assume, they get the facts!

Real Chiefs do not confuse effort with results!

Real Chiefs will give you three choices in any situation; change, accept, or leave the Navy!

'Titsworth!!!'

In a recent message with an old shipmate, I was asked to help write a tale of his past that you probably wouldn’t find in today’s Canoe Cabaret!  Not without ignoring the ideological load of crap called political correctness!! A fun little story never the less … I hope you all enjoy!!!

Back in the day when I was a young whipper-snapper, I belonged to the Electronic Attack Squadron, VAQ-138, otherwise known as the “Yellow Jackets!”  We were quite the squadron back then and had a good ol’ hardy bunch of boys onboard our crew!!  Nothing like what you see today!!!

Well, VAQ-138 went to Fallon weapons week one summer way back when! The Maintenance Control was right across from another NON Sea going squadron that had women, one of whom was well endowed!! Now keep in mind, this was in the days when women were scarce in the squadrons!!!

 Our maintenance chief on duty was a smart ass as I was standing just outside the door and in earshot of this gal, he yelled...

“Hey Tits, get in here!”

She marched straight into our office and slapped the shit outta the chief! It too was glorious!! See, the kicker here is, my entire time in the Navy I had only one name...TITS!! Everyone from the CO on down called me TITS!!!

Why you ask, well, it’s my name... AK1 Titsworth! I had to produce my ID card for the woman and her Maintenance Officer!! It took a while to live that one down!!!

Hell it didn’t take long before it began to smell fishier than Lady Gaga’s Piano Chair! We horsed around on the sexual fringes at first like all young people do!! Then somebody got their knickers in a bunch and raised the Holy Hell Sexual Harassment Flag!!!

Nowadays I’ve been  thoroughly convinced… if you asked any man in the military today what the first thing he does before he opens his mouth and without fail you will hear "I look over my shoulder to see if there are any females in the area."

Trying to figure out the politics in the Navy of today is like drowning in mayonnaise…

Somewhere through their short course of history onboard, a few of these fine ladies have embraced the manner similar to a male locker room and made it their own! But most have gravitated to the new ways of the ‘PC’ Cabaret!! I don’t know where we are going with this, but Dorothy, it ain’t Kansas!!!

In the future Navy ‘Drag’ will be encouraged… maybe even required! I swear if I joined the Navy today I’d soon have to wear an armored bathysphere for personal protection!! This could change the whole meaning of sexual harassment in a nutshell!!!

"Two Sailors Lost At Sea"

Two sailors, one male and one female, were stranded on a life boat after their ship sunk!

One morning the female sailor awoke to find the male sailor holding a knife under his limp penis!

“What the hell are you doing?”

… She gasped!

“I can’t help it, I’ve just got to have something to eat!”

… He said!

“Wait!”

… pleaded the female sailor …

“Let me play with it for a while! Then there will be enough for both of us!”

'My First Welcome Aboard'

One of the most important memories in an ol’ goat’s rolodex memory banks is his first check-in onboard his first ship! In my case it was a Knox class frigate, the USS Bagley FF-1069 !! She was better known as the ‘Baglady’…!!!

There probably aren’t many situations as awkward and terrifying as being a new boot on an old warship! Especially when your history in this here Canoe Club hadn’t been exactly stellar!! I’d been in trouble a few times in Great Mistakes to the point a psychiatrist recommended me for discharge due to non-conformance issues!! But I had somehow got lucky and struck a deal with my Commander who gave me a second chance at redemption!!!

FC3 Niehoff was assigned to lead me around by the nose … a task he wasn’t exactly head over heels excited about! We went to disbursing, medical and a few other places before Niehoff dropped me off at the Weapons Officer’s stateroom door!!

“Knock and state your business. He’ll invite you in when he’s ready!”

So Niehoff left and that’s what I did! I knocked three times, he asked who’s there and I stated I was a new check-in!! He invited me in and I hand saluted,

“Firecontrol Third Class Daniel Swing, reporting as ordered Sir!”

“Dispense with the formalities Sailor and have a seat!”

The Weapons Officer’s name was Mr. Miller! He was rather tall and seemed a bit old for a Lieutenant!! Perhaps he was prior enlisted… I never bothered asking!!!

 He reached out for my right hand and gave me a brisk handshake! He had receding brown hair and seemed to sweat a lot!! I wasn’t sure why, if anyone should be nervous it was ‘this guy’ drowning in my own distress!!!

“Is this your first ship son?”

“Yes Sir, it is!”

Lt Miller opened the service record and placed it over his legs while incessantly playing with the thick rubber band that was wrapped around it to keep it all together!  He glanced through each page as if he was looking for something important to ask me!!  Then he stood up and paced his stateroom while inquiring…

“Did you flunk out of the Naval Academy?”

“NO! Why do you ask … Sir?”

“It says here that you were in the Naval Academy, yet I don’t see anything else about it.”

Strange, I didn’t want to contradict the son-of-a-bitch, but at that time in my life, I hadn’t a gauddamned clue what the Naval Academy was, where it was, or what they even did there! I just answered the questions and told him I had no idea what he was talking about!! To this day I must’ve scurried through that service jacket a hundred times in twenty-three years trying to figure out what the hell gave him such an idea … never found it!! Must’ve been something written in ‘Officer Code’…!!!

Then he reached the most unpleasant part of my service jacket! On the right side … Skippy’s Masts!!!

You see, I’d been to Skippy’s Mast twice already in my short stint as a United States Canoe Club Crackerjack! Not proud of it, but you live and learn!!

“It says here that you were recommended for an ‘OTH’ discharge during your Captain’s Mast! Why are you still here Sailor?”

“Well Sir, I made a deal with the Commander in Great Lakes and he gave me another chance … Sir!”

“Well, here you are! I’m giving you a fresh clean slate! I expect you to do good things and stay the hell out of trouble … Capiche?!?”

“Yes Sir!”

“Good, now go forth and prosper!”

… From there he signed my check-in sheet and sent me on my way from one of the most bizarre meetings I ever had with my new chain-of-command! To this day I never understood his misinterpretation of my service record!!  After all, it’s supposed to be the Navy’s demarcation of the man it represents!!!

I’m sure in today’s Great American Politically Correct nautical treehouse I would have been properly shown the door in my first couple of weeks at NTC Great Mistakes! But in those days, they put their foot up your ass and made a man of you!! Nowadays you’re expected to come aboard already equipped with maturity … something that took me Twenty-Three years on active duty to obtain .... and that's still debated upon!!! 

And so was the beginning of my complete old school trip on a Navy Frigate, the USS Baglady, full of unadulterated saltwater bullshit! And I loved every gauddamned minute of it!! I had some lessons learned and got my feelings hurt … a few times!! It made me a better man and a better sailor for it!!!

'Stalemate & Helen Highwater'

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Nick Penn was born Nicholas Pouletsos in Illinois on February 8, 1911.  Penn was the oldest of two children born to William and Mary, both Greek emigrants. His father was a porter at a pool room, and his sister, Bessie, was two years younger. The Pouletos family resided in Fort Wayne, Indiana.  Penn began creating editorial cartoons for the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel in the 1930’s.” Penn was listed as “Pouletsos Nicholas cartoonist” in the 1932 city directory. He lived with his parents during this time.

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Penn also worked for the Chicago Tribune where for 14 years he assisted such nationally-known cartoonists as Sidney Smith, creator of The Gumps, Frank Willard of Moon Mullins, and Carl Ed of Harold Teen.” The 1940 Tribune comic strip, The Drums of Fu Manchu, was signed with the initials “N.P.”, most likely belonging to Penn.

Penn served in the U.S. Navy during World War II and drew the comic strips Stalemate and Helen Highwater, which appeared in hundreds of Navy publications. He eventually was assigned to All Hands magazine and the SEA Syndicate, where he became staff artist.

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After the war Penn produced the strip Uncle Dudley which appeared in the News-Sentinel. Penn was profiled June 27, 1946, in the News-Sentinel article, “Comic Strip Starting Monday Created by Fort Wayne Native”. The strip was more commonly known as Bessie (probably named after his sister) and was syndicated from February 2, 1948 to October 28, 1950.