"The Chief Navigating The Ensign"

I got this excerpt from a book a while back, and I’d like to give props for it, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what book it was!?! Anyhow, I thought this was rather an entertaining bit, so I hope you all enjoy!!!

Chief Benson unfolds the paper and reads it out loud,

“To Ensign Bill Baker. We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, that we are now qualified to do anything, with nothing at all.”

Signed

“First Division”

“Why Mr. Baker, I think they like you!”

… Chief Benson replied with a laugh …

“Hey Mr. ‘B’, have you seen the other two notes going around the ship?”

“Well, I’ve seen the poem on sweepers, Chief. Is there another one?”

“Yes Sir!”

… Chief acknowledges as he hands Ensign Baker another piece of paper…

“I think the crew has been getting a little bit red-assed lately.  When these things start circulating, it usually means trouble is really a brewing!”

… Ensign Baker now takes his turn at reading aloud …

“Think you have troubles? Here I am, just a stupid regular Navy bastard, stoned and drunk, pissed off, just waited in line for liberty for forty-five minutes, got the last seat in the last launch, was bumped for the Shore Patrol Chief and missed the boat! I puked on my new shoes; tore my shirt and my wrist watch got smashed. I’m getting a hangover, I’m damn flat broke, lost the key to my locker, and can’t find my identification card! I missed muster this morning, no pass, I’m now a liberty risk, no pussy, no cigarettes, no mail, no friends and damn few relatives who will claim me!  I’m homesick and tired, and the Chief is giving me grief because I need a haircut! I’m higher tenure in pay grade, my rate is frozen, I have an insufficient credit rating, my pay record is fucked up, and my leave has been disapproved! No clean clothes, laundry sent down too late and rejected, I missed chow, the ship’s store is closed and the ship’s Legal Officer wants to see me about the fight I was in at the base club!  I’ve got a hard-on, maybe V.D., I’m about to shit my pants and the ship’s head is secured for inspection!  Then some wise ass ‘lifer’ son-of-a-bitch walks up to me and says … “Ship over for six years, look at all the benefits!” 

“Not bad is it, Sir? I have no idea who thinks these things up, but some of these things are pretty funny! Keep in mind that when these things are going around the ship, it generally means that trouble is a brewing!”

… Ensign Baker nods … “Yes” … to the Chief’s advice, then replies …

“Hey listen, I’ve got a meeting with the XO, Mr. Graziotti, so I guess I’d better be going!”

… As he walks away, Chief Benson calls after him …

“Remember the first three things the XO is going to ask you! ‘Got a cigarette? What time is it? What’s going on?” 

Just goes to prove … It’s always best when a boot Ensign listens to his Chief!

"Haley's Comet"

How many of you old Salts remember this one?!? I think they taught it in every level of Leadership from the time you made PO3 to pinning on the fouled anchors!! Please … Enjoy!!!

As in all military services, the links between chains of command are being tested constantly. Sometimes two-way communications end up being interpreted slightly differently from the initial transmission.

A hypothetical admiral issued the following order to the ship’s company:

“Tomorrow evening, at approximately 2000, Halley’s Comet will be visible in this area, an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Have the men fall out on the flight deck in dungarees, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the hangar bay theater area and I will show them films of it.”

The CO relayed the order to the XO:

“By order of the admiral, tomorrow at 2000 Halley’s Comet will appear above the operating area. If it rains, fall the men out in dungarees, then march them to the hangar bay theater where this rare phenomenon will take place.

something which occurs only once every 75 years.”

The X 0 relayed the order to the department heads:

“By order of the admiral, in dungarees at 2000 tomorrow evening, the phenomenal Halley’s Comet will appear in the hangar bay theater. In case of rain in the operating area, the admiral will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.”

One Department Head passed the directive on to his division officer:

“Tomorrow at 2000, the admiral will appear in the hangar bay theater with Halley’s Comet, something which, happens every 75 years. If it rains, the admiral will order the comet into the operating area.”

The Division Officer made his announcement in the formation the next morning:

“When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old Admiral Halley, accompanied by the captain, will drive his Comet through the hangar bay in dungarees.”

Regardless of who’s giving the order or who’s receiving it, to be effective, the communication must be properly transmitted. Just something to keep in mind… a lesson in leadership!!!

"Scott The Horny Sailor"

With apologies to Peter, Paul and What's her name … sung to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon"... it's a modern day Shanty, so come on ladies and lads, everybody sing along!!!


Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

He talked about his penis
And the wonders it could do
And all the ladies "ooh'd" and "ahh'd"
And screamed till they turned blue.
But when it all was over
And evening turned to morn,
He still be stuck alone in bed
And jerking off to porn.

Oh ...

(chorus)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

He tried to get some action
Or maybe just a blow
But every time he came that close
His ship would up and go.
He tried to do his duty
He tried to keep it clean
But then he'd think about the girls
And cream his Dungarees.

Oh ...

(chorus)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

The ocean rolls forever
But not for sailor boys
Life on ships and year-long trips
Give way to land-ward joys.
The ladies all were thankful
They all were glad he stayed
And maybe now that horny guy
Can finally get laid.

Oh ...

(chorus)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
Esss Eye Emmm Esss (Emmm Peeeeeeee!)
________________
St. Euty, H.M.S.H.

'A Sailor & His Wife'

A Sailor walks into a bar looking really moody, and orders a double-whisky! The he starts rambling on about how lousy a wife he’s got, until the bartender finally says…

“You know, I don’t understand what you’re complaining about. All the other guys in here only have compliments about your wife!”

'Medicine In The Navy'

A U.S. Sailor in Subic contracted VD! He goes to medical to see a Doctor who tells him his penis will have to be amputated. So he goes all the way to Clark Air Force Base to get a second opinion. When he arrives at the medical facility,that Doctor also tells him he needs to have it amputated!

This just wasn’t going to work! So the Sailor decides to see a local Doctor out in town and figures they’ve seen many of these cases.  When the Sailor arrives he asks the Doctor …

“How ‘bout it Doc? Are we going to have to amputate?”

The Doctor responds …

“Oh no! I not going to amputate!”

The Sailor sighs in relief and says …

“I saw several American Doctors on base and they said they would have to amputate!”

The Filipino Doctor responds …

“Amelican Doctors knife cwazy!  Cut, Cut, Cut!!  It not necessawy to amputate! It fall of by itself!”  

“The Beast Master”

Now this here is no shit; for those with little tolerance for non PC language in this story I beg your forgiveness and invite you to pass on by…

I used to know me this ole rope dick son of a bitch name of Dudley once, one of the most unlovely humans ever spawned but he had a heart of gold. Dudley you see had a fondness for women of questionable human ancestry. One could never be entirely certain whether the female he was currently stalking was in fact human, the only truly unquestionable assessment one could make was that they were sturdy and possessed of capital ship displacement.

On several occasions I went steaming with the lad and watched the same scenario unfold each time. We stepped into a typical den of iniquity one evening and while I went forthwith to the plank to secure comestibles and take on ballast Dudley went into search mode. Now I spied me many a comely lass among the crowd and while I considered the exact approach pattern to execute, Dudley ignored them all and continued to peer deep into the mist and the smoke and the darker corners of the establishment where barely discernable forms could be discerned milling about. As I began my approach on a particularly memorable lass – dark of locks and sleek of form, Dudley suddenly stopped his intent searching and stood rigidly transfixed by a particularly unattractive creature dwelling in the darkness. His eyes took on a feverish look and he immediately charged into the murky depths and attached himself to his prey.

The events that transpired for the next half hour or so are legend; Dudley plied his prize with drink, caresses and sweet words worthy of a poet. She slowly went from disbelief that she was in fact the target, to astonishment, then to love – or perhaps the glow of soon to be satisfied lust. Having made his conquest Dudley proudly left the establishment with his trophy on arm never to be seen again that night. I on the other hand ended the evening with unrequited love…

The following day I asked Dudley what madness caused him to seek out the most unlovely female in any establishment and he told me that he did it because they were so grateful – and this is how I knew him to have a heart of gold for he dispensed love to only the most unlovely. And it was true they were grateful; any time we returned to some haunt where he had found a prize you could see his bevy of dedicated fans thundering to his side with cries of joy, flagons of alcohol and great platters of food. While I and my fellows stood about hunting the smooth, the svelte, the glossy of hair and the lovely to only rare success, Dudley never left alone.

For his skill and courage I will forever remember him as the Beast Master long may he reign in his dark realm – a true brother of the salt!

- Lonny Randolph

"VD or TB"

A shipwrecked sailor who had spent many years on a remote South Pacific island was finally rescued! When he arrived in California, reporters asked him what he had done for sex…

"Oh, there were plenty of passable and willing native girls on the island!"

… he replied …

"But they all either had V.D. or T.B."

"That must have been frustrating!"

… commented one of the newsmen …

"Not at all!"

… said the sailor …

"If a girl coughed, I screwed her!"

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