Monday, January 17, 2022

"The Kid in us All"

 Rather it is a little brother, sister, cousin, nephew, niece, son, daughter … etc., etc. … Kids can always be a point of humor between a sailor and his muse. I hope you enjoy this collection of sailors dealing with the other side of the family …


















































( FiN )


"Shanghai Jones and the Post Mortem Rickshaw Races"

 

Here’s an old short story from a series called the ‘China Sailor’ by O.C. Hand. His work was obviously put together before the Second World War when American Sailors freely frequented the ports of Shanghai, China. I hope you enjoy this little yarn and the adventures of Shanghai Jones and his shipmates as much as I did…

 

It’s a sad thing to have to admit about a friend but there’s no use holding back the fact that Shanghai Jones was always in shoal water with some gal … or gals. We used to puzzle over his fatal fascination for the fair sex and never did hit the right answer. It certainly wasn’t his good looks because he didn’t have any. He was lanky, raw-boned, weather-beaten, and downright homely. But the girls loved him. Maybe it was because he was a bos’n mate. Some of the time we envied him but most of the time we felt sorry for him. The wimmin just wouldn’t leave him alone.

One chilly October day our seagoing Casanova, in company with blubber-bellied Tubby Wilson and myself, were cruising down Yeates Road in the International Settlement of Shanghai without a care in the world. Our rickshaw boys were trotting in that mile-eating fashion of theirs while we lolled back watching the ever varied street scenes and hoping that the wild taxis wouldn’t mow us down.

I said just now that Shanghai didn’t have a care in the world and the reason why I said it was that Shanghai had just shaken himself free of his latest female entanglement … or so he thought.

We turned on down to the right to head past the race track onto Nanking Road where we planned a little get-together with some of our shipmates. We were just about opposite the race track when a look of pure terror came into Shanghai’s eyes…

“You, Boy, chop-chop! Plenty chop-chop you get mutchee cumshaw!”

… Shanghai shouted urgently at his rickshaw boy…

“Ah, ah,” chanted the rickshaw boy while putting on a burst of speed, “Ding-hao, me chop-chop,  all light.”

Tubby and I didn’t know what all the excitement was about but we told our boys to step out “masque” (never mind) the cost in order to keep up with our shipmate. I might add that Tubby’s boy had quite a time getting upturns, what with the heavy cargo he was shipping …

“Hey, Shanghai! Wait for us. What’s the score?”

… I yelled after the fleeing bos’n’s mate …

“Trouble! Plenty of Trouble! Natasha is following us!”

I looked astern and sure enough, there was a pretty pleasantly plump, but completely infuriated blonde fast overtaking us. No mistake, that was Natasha all right.

Natasha was a former flame of Shanghai’s … a White Russian girl who sold tickets at the Jai-alai stadium in town. She and Shanghai had been pretty thick at one time, particularly as she used to give him some pretty good tips on who might win the Jai-alai matches each night. Lately, though, Shanghai had begun to consider himself foot-loose and fancy-free. Natasha didn’t agree and it looked as if Shanghai would end up with either Natasha or a broken head. A good many of those refugee Russian gals were built on substantial lines and in a free-for-all with no holds barred, I’d have given Natasha the edge on almost any bos’n’s mate.

Evidently, Shanghai felt the same way because we went careening down the crowded street, even going through a traffic light and getting cussed at by one of those tall turbaned Indian Singh cops. We were in front of Wing-On’s big department store before we stopped and Shanghai leaped to the deck and threw a couple of Chinese dollars at the panting rickshaw boy and disappeared into the store. We followed … and so did Natasha.

Then began a real game of hide-and-seek. Wing On’s was a large store. I guess you might have called it the Marshall-Fields of the Far East, so there was plenty of room for the race. Somehow Tubby and I managed to keep up with Shanghai and squeeze into an elevator just in time to have the elevator door slam shut in Natasha’s determined face. That of course, gave us a breathing spell since she couldn’t know at what floor we’d get off. We decided to go on up to one of the top floors where the Chinese theaters were. You may think it funny that a department store would run a theater, but wait until I tell you that it was three floors of theaters, each floor with half a dozen shows going on at once. Personally, I think it’s a very good idea and one that we could well use at home.

But I digress … we picked out the most crowded show we could find and sat down on a bench in the middle trying to look inconspicuous. The waiter came around and we ordered tea and watermelon seeds. You see, in a Chinese theater, everybody goes for a sort of social get-together. Most Chinese have memorized the plays during childhood and only look at the stage occasionally to check up on the actors. Furthermore, when the most important actors appear, the orchestra consisting of cymbals and a one-string banjo make a big racket. That lets the audience know when they ought to pay attention, I guess. So there we sat drinking tea and chewing on watermelon seeds and every so often applying a hot towel to our faces, another good Chinese custom that we ought to look into, as being quite refreshing.

On the stage, an attractive Chinese actress wearing a beautiful multi-colored gown and a high headdress was reciting her part. The stagehands were wandering around setting up various items. Everything is symbolic of something. One potted palm may mean a whole forest’ one man an army. This saved on space and money and as long as the audience understood the representation, there was no need for more. The Chinese are smart people.

Suddenly Tubby turned and pointed…

“There she is! There she is! All hands take cover!”

… Tubby Roared …

Sure enough, there was Natasha looking intently down the rows of people. Shanghai became very busy with his hot towel. We followed suit with me peeking out of the corner of my eye at our pursuer.

 “She’s seen us,” I whispered as Natasha’s glare came to rest on the quarry.

At that, Shanghai jumped up and dashed forward. He made an end-run around the side of the stage and disappeared, while Natasha came over and joined us.

“Vat ‘av you done weeth my leetle Shanghai?”

… she coldly asked …

We didn’t get a chance to lie to her because just then the stagehands removed a huge piece of painted cardboard from the stage, the cardboard having represented a fortified city. Well, Shanghai was behind the fortified city and when it was removed, there he was right out on the stage looking as though his defenses really were down. Worst of all, the orchestra started a terrific noise as if Shanghai were the local Clark Gable!

There wasn’t much to do except to slip the anchor chain again. Natasha got mixed up in the aisle with one of the waiters, so we got away scot-free and all the way down to the street again.

As we emerged into the open air, Shanghai noticed some rickshaws pulled up at the curb. All of them were empty except on in which the occupant was covered completely with a rickshaw robe, a corpse no doubt being moved from one place to another. Shanghai paused only an instant and then leaped into an empty rickshaw.

He quickly explained …

“Now, I’m going to play dead. You go on ahead and have my boy follow. I’ll cover up with the rickshaw robe and we’ll get the jump on her that way.”

The scheme sounded good. Shanghai covered himself with the robe which every rickshaw carries while Tubby and I engaged two more rickshaws. Then I turned and beckoned Shanghai’s boy to follow us. He didn’t seem very willing, so to convince him I promised plenty of cumshaw for the trip. It was a good thing, too, for there was Natasha and she had spotted us.

Another wild ride followed. I couldn’t be sure whether Natasha would follow us or not, so I urged the boys on. We made an all-time record getting down to the landing …

“Okay, Shanghai, you furl your awning now.”

… I said to the blanket-covered form …

No answer … Tubby and I walked over curiously. We threw back the robe…

“Hey, you …” I started to say and ended up with a squawk.

It wasn’t Shanghai at all but a genuine honest-to-goodness corpse. We were so startled that we didn’t even notice that Natasha was standing by us until she gave a scream of horror. No wonder the rickshaw boy hadn’t wanted to follow us. We had taken the wrong chariot!

“That’s what comes of helping your shipmates,” complained Tubby. Shanghai’s probably gone off with some other babe by now and we’re left holding the … I mean the corpse and Natasha!”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “And furthermore, we better get the deceased back where he came from ore we’ll end up in the brig!”

It was not an ideal situation…

About that time we were attracted to a commotion on the landing. Turning, we saw Shanghai followed by several indignant Chinese locals all headed for us. Shanghai was sweating and wiping his brow anxiously.

“Where’s that body?”  he bellowed to me …

“Natasha’s here, Don Juan; perhaps I ought to say ‘which body!’”

Poor Shanghai grabbed me and Tubby by the arm and shoved us into a sampan then tumbled in himself at the same time urging the boatman to shove off. We shot out from the landing with Natasha screaming Russian explicative in our general direction while the people who had come to the dock with Shanghai were shaking their fists at him. They were obviously the owners of the corpse and would probably calm down now that they had the body once again. I just couldn’t imagine Natasha calming down though.  

Shanghai began to tell us this story…

“When I got under the blanket, I noticed that we weren’t getting underway, yet I didn’t dare come out for a look-see because of the wild Natasha. Must’ve been five minutes before we began to move and I still didn’t dare uncover. Well, we went for about five blocks, and the sopped. I figured it was okay to come out, so I took the robe off… ‘Lord have mercy!’ I don’t know who was the more surprised, me or the Chinese undertakers. There I was right in the middle of a bunch of coffins. The undertakers looked as if they wished they were somewhere else almost as much as I did. I finally convinced them I was alive all right and then they were mad. I don’t blame them either … seems that one of them left the corpse parked outside Wing-On’s telling the rickshaw boy that another man would be along to pick it up in a few minutes. So you ended up with the boy, and I ended up in the morgue. Whew!”

As I said before, Shanghai always had a lot of gal trouble. Yet after the incident, he stayed out of trouble with the ladies for a whole darned week! Yeah, you guessed it … he didn’t leave the ship for a week.

 

( The End )

 

 

 


( Tubby )

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

"In The Navy"

 


For many years, the phrase best known in the Navy is was no Frigg’n in the Rigg’n! But you know what they said even before ‘Don’t ask, Don’t tell’ … “It’s not gay when you’re underway” or “It’s not Queer once you leave the pier!” Well, we’ve always known that buggery existed between the Skipper and his Cabin Boy long before the US Navy and well within the ranks of the Royal Navy across the pond! Here we give you the original “In The Navy” lyrics infamously introduced by the Village People in 1979…

Where can you find pleasure, search the world for treasure
Learn science technology?
Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true
On the land or on the sea?
Where can you learn to fly, play in sports, and skin dive
Study oceanography?
Sign off for the big band or sit in the grandstand
When your team and others meet

In the navy
Yes, you can sail the seven seas
In the navy
Yes, you can put your mind at ease
In the navy
Come on people, fall an' make a stand
In the navy, in the navy
Can't you see we need a hand

In the navy
Come on, protect the motherland
In the navy
Come on and join your fellow man
In the navy
Come on people and make a stand
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy, oh

They want you, they want you
They want you as a new recruit

If you like adventure, don't you wait to enter
The recruiting office fast
Don't you hesitate, there is no need to wait
They're signing up new seamen fast
Maybe you are too young to join up today
But don't you worry 'bout a thing
For I'm sure there will be always a good navy
Protecting the land and sea

In the navy
Yes, you can sail the seven seas
In the navy
Yes, you can put your mind at ease
In the navy
Come on people, fall an' make a stand
In the navy, in the navy
Can't you see we need a hand

In the navy
Come on, protect the motherland
In the navy
Come on and join your fellow man
In the navy
Come on people and make a stand
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy, in the navy

They want you, they want you
They want you as a new recruit
Who me?
They want you, they want you
They want you as a new recruit
But, but, but, I'm afraid of water
Hey, hey look, man
I get seasick even watchin' it on TV

They want you, they want you in the navy
Oh my goodness
They want you
What am I gonna do in a submarine?
They want you
They want you, they want you in the navy

In the navy
Yes, you can sail the seven seas
In the navy
Yes, you can put your mind at ease
In the navy
Come on people, fall in make a stand
In the navy, in the navy
Can't you see we need a hand

In the navy
Come on, protect the motherland
In the navy
Come on and join your fellow man
In the navy
Come on people and make a stand

 

Now as if we need a parody to such a legendary song, this one comes to you from Squire Malloy written in 2011 when the Canoe Club became known as the Canoe Cabaret …

 

Where can you find pleasure
Seeking hidden treasure
In your shipmate’s BVD’s
There’s no ask or tell now, everything is swell now
There’s more semen on the seas
You can learn to pile drive
Even learn to skin dive
Study male anatomy
You can toot the skin flute
If your bunkmate’s real cute
And he’s playing on your team

In the navy
You can embrace your fellow man
In the navy
And offer him a playful hand
In the navy
You can shower with a mate
In the navy, in the navy
You can scuttle someone’s butt
In the navy
There’ll be lots of time to rut
In the navy
Put your passions on display
In the navy
Congress said it was okay
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy (in the navy)

They want you, they want you
They want you if you are a fruit

Tired of the land strife
Sickened by the straight life
Here’s your shot to getaway
Go down and enlist
You might just have a tryst
If your recruiter’s also gay
Go and take a chance
And search for some romance
Yes, gobs of seamen think your way
Just throw on your pea coat
Jump into a love boat
Make your dreams come true today


In the navy
You can embrace your fellow man
In the navy
And offer him a playful hand
In the navy
You can shower with a mate
In the navy, in the navy
You can scuttle someone’s butt
In the navy
There’ll be lots of time to rut
In the navy
Put your passions on display
In the navy
Congress said it was okay
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy(in the navy)

They want you, they want you
They want you if you are a fruit

 

(FiN)

Monday, January 10, 2022

"As Football Season Comes to an End"

 


At the beginning of the Army-Navy football game, the coin toss was made. The Navy captain shouts, HEADS followed by the Army captain shouting LATRINES.

An Army football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank God the manager of the KMart came out and unplugged it.

Navy is playing Army, which has a first down with three minutes left in the half. An Army fan sets off a firecracker, and the Navy, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the field. Three plays later, Army punts.


Q: Why doesn't Army have ice on the sidelines during games?

A: The guy with the recipe graduated.


The Army coach gave his Army football team a few days off. Several decided to go down to Panama City Beach for fun and relaxation. Coach saw the players the first day back at practice and asked about their vacation.

 "Not good coach," said the players. "We never made it to the beach."

"Why not," the coach asked, "car trouble?"

"No," they replied, "every few miles down the interstate we saw signs that said, 'Exit, Clean Restrooms'. You have no idea how many restrooms we cleaned between West Point and Panama City."


Two Army football players were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turned to the second guy and asks, “Old MacDonald had a what?”

The other replies, “He had a farm.”

The first asks, “How do you spell it?”

To which the second replied, “E-I-E-I-O.”


Thursday, January 6, 2022

“Castaways”

 Here are a series of toons on castaways lost on a deserted island. I hope you enjoy the artwork. It’s a pleasure to share…





















































( FiN )


Wednesday, January 5, 2022

"Be Careful What You Wish For"



A U.S. Destroyer pulled into Subic. A small Filipino boy ran up the pier and spotted a Sailor and asked…

“You want my sister? She Cherry. You want my sister? She Cherry.”

The Sailor moans…

“Sorry kid, I’m not looking for a girl.”

The Filipino boy grinned…

“No worry Joe, I queer!”


Monday, January 3, 2022

"Fun Waldo like Shipboard Cross-Sections"

 Over the years in various cruise books, magazines, and websites, the Navy has given us a fun look at various cross-sections of our Navy ships. Here I’ve comprised a few to also include anything from a Seattle Fairy to a Coast Guard Cutter, Pirate Ship, and even Noah's Ark. I'm sure there are a few ol' barnacle bilge rats out there who served under the ol' Skipper Noah ...



Pirate Ship


Spanish Galleon


Seattle Ferry


USS Enterprise (WWII)


Noah's ARk


Merchant Ship


USS Saratoga

US Coast Guard Cutter



USS Yorktown


USS Beaver


USS Berry


USS Comet



USS Kitty Hawk



( FiN )