Thursday, October 31, 2019

Sunday, October 27, 2019

"Nights on Duty"



Anyone remember weekend duty nights onboard the ship? In our unsullied youth it was a chance to detox and refresh ourselves from day in and day out of carousing the local establishments and chasing tale. It’s where we first learned the long standing ritual of telling no shit sea stories and becoming connoisseurs of that latest porn on VHS! Titles come to mind like “Bat Dude & Throbbin, Crocodile Blondie, Bonfire of the Panties, Frisky Business … etc.”  

If anyone had told me at the time I would be a lifer, careerist, make Chief one day break’n balls and call it the best years of my life, I would’ve punched the son-of-a-bitch right in the nose! Who knew we were creating memories we’d never forget? 

Back to my point … Duty days were a time when we could goof off, solve world problems, cuss Naval Leadership, make fun of each other and Marines and ponder the meaning of life and rather God exists. 

“Who the hell spit their tobacco in my Cola Can?”

There was nothing like taking a swig of someone elses swag of chaw & spit!

But that’s what we did! It was the life of a sailor in the company of other swabs, squids and chambray wearing ugly bastards.  Chief might walk in before he went home …

“You sons-a-bitches need to find something to keep you busy.”

“Chief, are you kidding? It’s after knockoff on a duty day and you should be home with the old lady!”

“Have you seen Chief’s old Lady? If I was him, I’d be afraid to go home too!”

“Watch your mouth sailor! That’s the mother of my kids your talking about!”

“So is that gal from Olongapo from what I’ve heard!”

… Ha-Ha-Ha …

Yep, poking fun at the Chief was like poking a hornets nest when you were a kid!

Then there were certain expected evolutions we had to go through before we could relax the rest of the night like fire drills and security alerts along with Eight ‘O Clocks’ if you were senior enough to have to deal with that mess. Once that was all done it was like an unwritten permission slip to unwind, order pizza and crank up a movie.  We'd grab a will book and compile an order then head up to the POOW shack topside to call out on the phone. We rooted through coffin lockers and work benches for pizza change or geedunk money to last the night while watching that movie rather it was sanctioned or triple “X” rated.  I think the Nato Seasparrow guys had a congressional sized library on golden aged porn … by gaud I swear to it!

After watching movies and eating fresh popped popcorn, playing spades, gin rummy and chess someone would start with the “no shitter” sea stories using pure unadulterated horse manure as the glue to hold that thing together! And before you knew it, shit was flying everywhere. Nobody ever accused us crackerjack animals of having good taste, etiquette or engaging in good bedside manner.  We were politically incorrect and didn’t discriminate when it came to four letter language or anything with a hole between its legs. Even conversations about that gal with a bad case of the drip was nothing the doctor couldn’t cure. We just left her in quarantine for a couple of weeks!  

Every so often you had that late watch you had to stand on the Quarterdeck, Engineering Room or traversing the deck as a topside security … etc.  There was always that clown who was a world class Buddy Fucker … I think these days they call them “Blue Falcons.”  The kind if bastard who relieved you twenty minutes late on a cold night of midwatch. It happens and you get over it.  Then you headed down for a nice hot cup of Joe or some hot chocolate if you were a bit light in the loafers. 

After surviving several 24 hour turn arounds of gin mills and late nights chasing tale, a good night of sitting around the mess table telling no shit tales of the local gals with a cup of joe in our foul weather jackets could put a grin on your face a mile wide.  Those nights were some of the best of my life … Why? They were spent with some of the best damned shipmates a fella could ask for!  



Friday, October 25, 2019

"Wanna Be A Yardbird"



Little Jimmie lived across the street from the shipyard and wanted to be a shipbuilder one day. He wouldn’t stop bothering his mother about it so she told him to go across the street and watch the builders work through the fence and maybe he’ll learn something.

Jimmy was gone for two hours. When he came home his mother asked him what he had learned. Jimmie replied …

“Well, first you put the Gauddamned water tight door up. Then the son-of-a-bitch doesn’t fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down. Then you have to move the bolts over a cunt hair on each side and then put the mother fucker back up again to weld it in place.”

Mother said …

“You just wait until your father comes home!”

When Jimmie’s father got home, Mom told him to ask Jimmie what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his father the whole story. Dad said …

“Jimmie, you go outside and get a switch!”

Jimmie replied …

“Fuck you, that’s the Electrician’s job!”


Sunday, October 20, 2019

"Gotta Love Them Marines"



I got up and showered this morning, came downstairs to a cup of coffee and opened up my computer only to find “Marines Suck Wieners” on my Facebook Feed in big letters. I just had to belly laugh at that one. I sent the meme to several of my Marine buddies as it was too much to pass up. 

Now apparently some dildo was able to hack on to the Marine Corp Recruiting Website and exploit the coding of their main page.  Another tagline read “Daddy Navy Owns My Ass!”  That would make you think it was one of them IT sailors down in radio with too much time on their hands … at least that’s what I would do.  And this is one of those motivational websites the Marines use for recruiting purposes in conventions, job fairs and high schools. But reading the article, a public affairs type seemed to take the “Hillary Clinton” approach and said it must had been the Russians!  Apparently our Marine Brethren left caricatures of dicks all over their compounds when they left Syria for the Russians to find, and figured this was the Russian way of paying them back. 

The Devil Dogs took it with a little salt and rolled with the punches … you gotta love those guys! We give each other a helluva time, but I never met a Marine I didn’t like…





Saturday, October 19, 2019

"Made In Japan"



An American Sailor was in Japan doing some sightseeing. On his last day of liberty, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the base. During the journey, a Honda motorcycle drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the Sailor leaned out of the window and yelled …

"Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"  

After a while, a Kawasaki sped past the taxi. Again, the Sailor leaned out of the window and yelled …

"Kawasaki, very fast! Made in Japan!"  

And then a Suzuki sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Sailor leaned out of the window and yelled …

"Suzuki, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of miles. Finally, the taxi came to the base. The fare was $300 US. The Sailor exclaimed …

"Why is it so expensive?"

There upon, the driver yelled back,

"Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"


Friday, October 18, 2019

"Navy Fatso"


Recently in the news headlines “US Navy is fatter than Army, Air Force, or Marines — a danger to the fleet!”   I mean what do they really expect?  We’re not the service required to hump over hills, hiking in deserts and swamps requiring super fitness. And it’s not like this hasn’t been an ongoing issue since the beginning of the Twentieth Century. Below I’ve collected a few comic scribbles that have been made over the past decades on the fatness in the Navy, only to prove that we’ve always been comfortably wide in our thirteen button up jumpers. I hope you enjoy …












When you cross Popeye and Wimpy …




Too much Navy Sausage …











Saturday, October 12, 2019

"Mom's Visit"



After visiting the base, my mother complained to me …


"Security here is so tight, you practically have to give up your firstborn to get in."

… I replied …

"You did!"


Friday, October 11, 2019

"Squared Away Sailor"



It’s 1600 and shipmates are ready for liberty and blowing off steam shouting stupid comments back and forth scrambling to get off ship … that’s how I imagine this fella when he came up with this little limerick. We all knew that fella that showed up to Quarters looking like someone found him in the trash bin. This song has great imagery for an ol’ salt who can remember it like it was yesterday. I hope you all enjoy … 


Well I'm a Squared Away Sailor who loves to go get trashed

And if I'm really lucky they'll send me to captain's mass

Contributing to minors is my favorite thing to do

So if you're underage come talk to me  … I'm 22

[Verse] (All down strumming)

My uniform looks like hammered dog shit

My boots are done and scuffed but I'm alright with it

My haircut is unsat and I haven't shaved in days

They tell me that I'm fucked up in a million different ways

[Chorus]
I'm a Squared Away Sailor who loves to go get trashed

And if I'm really lucky they'll send me to captain's mass

Contributing to minors is my favorite thing to do

So if you need some beer come talk to me …  I'm 22

[Verse]
And I never take a shower, I always smell like ass

I'm eating in my uniform while walking through the grass

And I'm sleeping in my closet while you're running PFA's

And I'm always half an hour late to watch on duty days

[Chorus]
Cause I'm a Squared Away Sailor who loves to go get trashed

And if I'm really lucky they'll send me to captain's mass

Contributing to minors is my favorite thing to do

So if you need some liquor come talk to me … I'm 22

[Verse]
And I make good grades and I love to cheat

I'm that guy who butts in front of you so I'll be first to eat

And I'll be your best friend

Until I stab you in the back
C
Cause I'm your shipmate

But I'm alright with that

[Chorus]
Cause I'm a Squared Away Sailor who loves to go get trashed

And if I'm really lucky they'll send me to Captain's mast

Contributing to minors is my favorite thing to do

So if you're underage come talk to me  …  I'm 22

[Verse/Ending]
Orgies and hotel parties is what I'm all about

Getting them little pretty booters drunk and naked

And then watching them pass out

So if you ever wonder what the hell there is to do

Come talk to me

You can be

A shipmate too




Here’s the video on YouTube …


… or …


… or …




Sunday, October 6, 2019

"A Sailor's Son"


My daughter and her husband, both in the Navy, have an eight-year-old son. When one of his elementary school classmates told the teacher that my grandson had said a bad word she asked him why. He said …


"I can’t help it. Both of my parents are sailors!"

Saturday, October 5, 2019

"Join The Navy"


A pin-up girl was once a man’s best friend underway! Men want to look at them and women want to look-like them. Pin-Up girls have been around since the 1890s' but became most popular in the 1940s' during WWII! Sailors would decorate their lockers and posters would hang at the local locker clubs.  I hope you enjoy these Navy Propaganda posters I’ve gathered for your pleasure …
































Friday, October 4, 2019

"Mailed Home"




While in Bootcamp, we were marching to the mess hall when we spotted a pathetic-looking recruit standing at attention by a mailbox, a whole book of stamps plastered to his forehead. When our Company Commander demanded an explanation, the recruit bellowed …

“This recruit has proved himself worthless and weak and is being mailed home to his mother!”