"Iran Wants to Pick a Fight"

If you think for a minute that Iran doesn’t pose a threat to the United States in the Persian Gulf, then take a look at all of the propaganda spread inside their own country.  

Make no mistake, they call us the “Great Satan.” 

They chant “Death to America!”

They have no qualms with hating us and what we stand for…

Year after year since the Iranian Revolution forty years ago, they have continuously threatened to shut down the Straits of Hormuz. In 1988 they challenged us in what was then known as Operation Praying Mantis. In a matter hours we managed to reduce their Navy to being merely non-existent. Now they are attacking merchant ships and oil platforms once again.

Operation Praying Mantis was an attack on 18 April 1988, by U.S. forces within Iranian territorial waters in retaliation for the Iranian mining of the Persian Gulf during the Iran–Iraq war and the subsequent damage to an American warship.

Now they come with renewed threats. Iran TV cartoon showing a Ghadir sub sinking a US aircraft carrier

Iran airs computer-generated animation of US aircraft carrier and four destroyers sunk by Iranian Ghadir-class submarine.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC59Cpk70K2TwdmApJOTuW9g?feature=embeds_subscribe_title

The video opens with the aircraft carrier cruising on an open sea escorted by four smaller ships and carrying two planes on its deck. A green periscope bearing an Iranian flag then appears, sinister music begins playing, and one by one, the American ships disappear beneath the surface.

At the end of the animation, a titled reading "40 Years [For the Iranian Revolution]" appears, and a narrator says: "Our Iran has the technology to manufacture very advanced Ghadir-class submarines."

But for all intensive purposes, we know this isn’t even close to reality.  As a child I remember playing with plastic boats in the bathtub, just like the Ayatollahs of today. It's called "roya", or a dream in Persian and can easily turn into "kabus", or nightmare when reality sets in…

So with further ado, Iran this message is for you …

"Some Corny Navy Jokes"

In the Navy, all recruits have to “shape up” and “ship out!”

Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?  The captain was standing on the deck.

Why did the sailor grab a bar of soap when the ship sank?  To wash himself ashore.

When Navy Ships leave their anchorage they first put their anchors aweigh.

On occasion, Navy chow can be exceptional in a good way, but let’s not go overboard here.

Sailors swab the deck of ships as sort of a mopping up action.

The training of sailors is a highly complex process, but in the end it’s all awash.

When interviewed for submarine service he had the sinking feeling he wouldn’t get in.

All submariners love the underwater service because the tradition, for them, runs deep.

The Naval Aviator was grounded for getting high!

Three sailors got into a fight at the local bar in town and knew they were off base.

Seabees are great at working on infrastructure, after all, they’re all roads scholars…

When Seabees face tough conditions, their first move is to build confidence…

Tell a sailor that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you, tell him a deck has wet paint and he has to touch it.

If it's zero degrees outside on watch, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why is it when you transport something by car it’s called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Are flagships made of nylon or cotton?

Why is it when a hatch is slightly open it's ajar, but when a jar is slightly open it's not a-hatch?

Why don't they call the head a butt and a cigarette a head, since that's closer to the true meaning?

Ever notice that ship's windows are called "port holes", but they are found on both sides?

"General Quarters ... General Quarters"

"General Quarters… General Quarters…. All Hands man your Battle stations”…

General Quarters, or GQ in short form parlance, was the call for all hands to man battle stations. Ship’s drills devoted to full-dress firefighting, lifeboat, abandon ship, man overboard procedures and various combats system scenarios. Back in those days our national security interests were mainly aimed at stopping the Russkies, Killing Communism, Retaliat’n towards the Reds … and we drilled and drilled and drilled!

The artwork  posted with this yarn kick started memories of jump through your ass while hula-hooping in between General Quarter two-a-days … sometimes three-a-days when you didn’t pass Reftra, or yesterday’s equivalent to today’s TSTA & FEP.  I remember running up and down, up-and-down, up-and-down  those ladder ways like a pair of whore’s drawers! You had to wonder if that damned 1MC ever caused epilepsy. Ever wonder why a sailor can eat like he’s got five rectums?  Well if you look at that Dad’gum picture … there’s your answer …

When we failed the first time, it must had been a real embarrassment for the Skipper. From there the shit was flowing … and you know the direction shit flows when things go wrong.  We were the redheaded stepchildren of the fleet.  I remember someone in the Exchange Parking Lot said…

“The Baglady doesn’t have all her oars in the water.”

 I had to think about that one for a minute, then it hit me. Yeah, we were kind of a mix up between “McHale’s Navy” and that “Down Periscope” gang from the movies. We built our own trap door and it was rusted shut with wearisome anxiety!

"This GQ is so screwed up the wind doesn't blow - it sucks!"

"I'm not screwing this goat; I'm just holding the tail."

My Chief once told me that the most exercise I got was running my mouth so not to push my luck with him…

But when you screw up a Reftra, FTG is all over the place like ticks on a summer cow!  I remember dodging and weaving my way towards my GQ station when I could here a couple of shipmates in the passageway all in unison to the tune of the Mickey Mouse Song! …

“F-U-C ... K-E-D ... A-G-A-I-N ... FUCKED AGAIN… FUCKED AGAIN ... I bent right over and they shoved it in again...HEY! HEY! HEY… ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪”

… And that’s when you knew the fun was going to start. An FTG fella would come into your space and ask …

“Okay shipmate, show me all that Hocus Pocus that makes all these computerized logarithmic whizbangs work!”

… or something of the sort. It always felt so cozy in combat when everyone was wearing flash gear!!!

The ship was held prisoner by those crazy FTG guys in the dark blue coveralls, and they were the epitome of God while onboard. They had cold hardened hearts forged from anvils and that ain’t no bullshit. One of them fellas asked me what good a condom was for. Of course I answered with the obligatory “To keep my willy clean in foreign ports” and he said …

“Rubbers have many obvious uses. But for training purposes it’s to poke your wristwatch in for waterproofing in case you have to swim back to the ship in one of them foreign ports, so I suggest you carry at least two!”

That ain’t no shit either…

Trying to get through Reftra a second time felt like trying to stuff ten pounds of shit into a five pound bag, and you thought you were going to fail again if any of it touched the deck.  But somehow through the grace of God, we did it. Or maybe it was just planned that way… who really knows.

A few things I learned from all those General Quarter drills we stood back in the day on an old rust bucket…

“No matter what it is… if it smells fishy, throw it back!”

… or …

“This gear is older than my grandmother’s kick start vibrator!”

… and …

“Damn it… listen to what I’m think’n, not what I’m say’n!”

… Now I know on the surface none of that nonsense had anything to do with Reftra, but trust me, them are things I heard from FTG back in the day … get the picture?!?

( Artwork credit to USS Berkeley )

"Sailor & Mermaid Cartoons"

Remember those sailor stories about mermaids who drag drowning men to their doom?

In folklore the mermaid was an aquatic creature with the head and upper body of a female human and the tail of a fish. Mermaids are found in legends and myths from cultures around the world. In the tales of lore, their beauty and song would drive the sailors in and that was when the mermaid would go in for the kill.

In today’s society you got adorable beauties down in Weeki Wachee Springs, Florida diving in the waters making an impression. Now Disney has the “Little Mermaid” all cute and sassy giving the legend an adorability it never had before. 

Here lie a few cartoons I picked up over the years of Sailors and Mermaids anywhere from Army Navy Humor, to Playboy Magazine! I hope you all enjoy …

“Olongapo City, Philippines”

I borrowed this poem from a fella named Emel Scott. Obviously he’d been there and done that! I hope you enjoy …

 

Ten till late
on Subic Bay
and this bar is shuttering shut.
How many fingers
am I holding up?
Lights out,
pitched back
and stumbling drunk.

Up-tempo horny
and there's a chance
my hand
will have to do the dance.
Out on the street
it smells of piss
and they’re grilling monkey meat.

I hear the last
of the barkeep whores
"Me love you long time sailor"
she say, "No go hotel tonight.
come my home baby,
come my home."

I tap out an Old Gold to smoke.
She buys a sweating bottle of Coke.
We catch a cab; it carves the mud,
through a third world crack
in this garish façade...
Soon deep into the forbidden blight
(where the shore patrol
won't even go),
I’m fearful it might be a trap.
Then everything
just fades to black.
In the amnesia night...
________________
________________

A spongy wetness
draws me out
of nowhere.
Grey pigs
grunt their good morning,
pink snouts
nudging my toes.

There,
on a reed mat
in her scavenged hut.
The low angle of the sun
slices through rusting sheets
of corrugated tin.
Random street life fills
large angular gaps in the walls.

Up through dusty rays
a silhouette comes into focus.
My last ditch lover
smiles at me.
A scar;
the work of
a pimp's knife
or a machete,
starts above one eye
crosses her nose
through a lip
then wraps her jaw.

Nanay appears
grinning a mouthful of rotten teeth.
She holds out translucent cakes
of purple taro root
and duck balut,
cracked so I can see
the fetus curled up inside,
It is an honor.

I feel a stare;
three pair of eyes,
glossy black marbles
pushed into
soft chocolate faces.
Her small children
just inches away.
curious little rags,
tentative
but anxious to see
this novelty.

Last edited by Emel.Scott on June 24th, 2008, 8:29 am, edited 3 times in total.

emel.scott

http://algonquinstable.net/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=2135

"At The Casino"

A Sailor was on Westpac and just finished talking to his wife on the phone while in port. His wife told her friend …

“My husband is in a casino somewhere in Asia right now having a great ol’ time.”

Her friend asks …

“Tibet?”

“Of course to bet! Why the hell else would he be in a casino?”

"Swabbies"

Ever wonder why the other services call us “Swabbies” ...

"Robert Alvarado Navy Pin Ups"

Robert Alvarado is a specialized pin up photographer who has been professionally photographing since 2005.  He credits exposure to the pinup images of the 1950’s during his critical adolescent years as a large influence to his work. Taking “vintage type shots” and turning those memories into an art form has become the “biggest passion” in his life right now. He cites great influences from artists Gil Elvgren, Alberto Vargas, and Olivia plus Norman Rockwell in their images, color and beautiful women. Alvarado has been taking photographs all his life but has only begun doing so professionally in the last fourteen years. Describing himself as a regular guy just doing what he loves, Alvarado quotes Michelangelo in saying: “I am a poor man and of little worth, who is laboring in the art that God has given me in order to extend my life as long as possible”. He brings a refreshing enthusiasm to his newest vocation and claims he is “like a big kid when he’s photographing someone.”

I hope you all enjoy these Navy Pin ups from his wonderful collection …

"The Fog"

Twas a foggy night navigating the Straits of Malacca. The Helmsman asks the Boatswains Mate …

“What’s the difference between sailing the straits through the fog and eating pussy?”

Boatswains Mate asks …

“I don’t’ know! What is the difference between the two?”

To which the Helmsman replies …

“When you’re sailing through the fog, you can’t see the asshole in front of you!”

“Some More of The Ol’ Canoe Club Sayings”

In the Navy it was always said there are a lot of acronyms. Such as the word Navy itself … “Never Again Volunteer Yourself.”   Because you know what they say … “They can make it harder but you can make it longer.”  Here are some more sayings and phrases I’d picked up over the years in this here Canoe Club. But be forewarned, don’t try this onboard in today’s environment … you might be standing tall at Skippy’s Mast explaining yourself for lack of professionalism and such. It’s just how it goes these days.

Just a Few More Acronyms …

1.     FNG – Fuck’n New Guy.

2.    FTN – Fun Time Navy or Fuck The Navy

3.    FFG – Forever Fucking Gone

4.    BDNWW – Broke Dick No Worky Worky

5.    BOHICA – Bend Over Here It Comes Again

6.    CIWS – Christ It Won’t Shoot

7.    FIIGMO – Fuck It I Got My Orders

8.    FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition

9.    BOCOD – Beat Off Cut Off Date – demarcation before pulling into homeport

10.  HMFIC – Head Mother Fucker In Charge

Common sayings by the Chief or an Salty LPO …

1.     Sometimes it’s better to swim with the sharks than to float with the bait!

2.    Well shipmates, hold on to your white hats, because deployments about to get longer.

3.    The female Ops Boss makes a hornet seem cuddly doesn’t she?

4.    He looks like two yards of fatback ribs stuffed into a crackerjack uniform.

5.    Are you Tony Hawk? Because you're a pro-skater.

6.    I’d rather work for an asshole that knows his shit than a nice idiot.

7.    Delegating responsibility to you is like giving 151 primer to a drunk Seaman!

8.    Are you sure this is going to work, because I’m about to perform an unnatural sex act with the Chain of Command to get that part!

9.    You outta know, One awe shit kills a thousand atta boys.

10.  If you’re gonna hoot with the owls at night you’d better be ready to sore with the eagles in the morning.

When it comes to the wimmins …

1.      While manning the rails with several sexy mommas on the pier … “Someone take my place, I think my periscope is going up!

2.    Caught in the fanroom by the MAAs’ with a female shipmate  … “There’s a fleeter on my peter, whack it off!”

3.    A new female sailor checks onboard at the Quarterdeck, and she’s smok’n hot … “Man, I’d love to swab that poopdeck” or “I’d love to drop anchor in her port.”

4.    A female officer who obviously has her priorities up the Skipper’s ass … “I hear she’s bucking for Rear Admiral.”

5.    A female XO doing personnel inspection … “I’d love to check her GiG Line.”

6.    Popeye’s favorite when asked by a split-tale what they can do for you … “Well Blow Me Down … Please!!!”

Just remember that as a slick ol’ Salty Sailor … Mature thinking has never been a problem for me

“From a Navy Journalist Back In The Day”

( Click On Picture To Enlarge )

Here's a sea story ("no shit, this really happened")

I was a navy journalist onboard an amphibious assault ship. For whatever reason, we had an USAF guy onboard, working and living with our aviation boatswain's mates for the trip back from Okinawa to Pearl Harbor.

I interviewed him for the ships newspaper, to see how the novelty of navy life struck him:

"You guys are a bunch of fucking pigs! I don't know how human beings can live like this."

This being military journalism, the quote read as "I sure gotta take my hat off to you Navy guys! You do a heck of a job under some serious conditions!"