Sunday, July 28, 2019

" Oh My "





The boyfriend of a gal I knew working at the Navy Exchange was on IA Duty in Iraq.  Naturally she couldn’t wait for him to come home.  So I asked …

“How’s he doing over there?”

“He emailed me last night.”

… she said …

“It’s quiet where he is.”

Knowing that didn’t make it any better he was away I asked …

“What outfit is he serving in?”

“Oh, Desert Camouflage!” 

Saturday, July 27, 2019

"HOW NOT TO STAND INSPECTION "


This story comes from a Sixties Sailor named, SN John "Weasel" Martin 1964/65. Hope you all enjoy …



At times shipboard life was peaceful, at times confusing, and at any given time could become a very serious matter.  At other times it was like something from a "McHale's Navy" TV script. 

Case in point...

an Admiral's Inspection.  Now being a First Division "deck ape" our mentality was that if we got past the quarterdeck to go on liberty then we were good enough.  However, admirals had a different mind set.

First Division Personnel Inspection was first on the admiral's agenda, followed by an inspection of all compartments and work areas.  Our personnel inspection went off without a hitch.  It was after the inspection that things went awry.  A friend of mine in second division had failed to get his shoes shined, so at his request I let him use mine with explicit instructions to return them to me ASAP so I could stand compartment inspection in the forward head.  We had been ordered to stand by our cleaning stations immediately following personnel inspection until the admiral inspected our compartment.  I did not.  Reason is, I had no shoes.

There was about a 10-inch hole in the deck just inside the forward deck housing.  From this vantage point I could see the door leading to the head and be able to see the admiral approaching, and at the same time give my "buddy" time to return my shoes.  I would run out the hatch and look aft then run back in and look down the hole, and all the while my posted look-outs were keeping me informed as to the admiral's whereabouts.  Then the inevitable happened.  Someone hollered, "The admiral's coming!"  I ran back inside and looked down the hole and all I could see was the "scrambled eggs" that comes with an admiral's hat.

I think at this point that "man overboard" went through my mind.  Instead I scurried down the ladder, ran into the head right behind the admiral and dutifully sounded off my name, rate, division, and why I was there.  He looked me up and down and went on his way never noticing I had no shoes.  My shoe size is 7, and by bending me knees slightly, the bell-bottoms covered my feet.

My shoes?  They went on liberty with my "buddy".




Friday, July 26, 2019

“The Salvage Crew”



The crew of a salvage ship starts drinking underway. Being against the rules, the party of course gets out of hand and the next morning the Skipper is angry as shit, yelling and cursing.

He summons everyone and yells …

"That is it, every single drop of Fucking Alcohol goes overboard, Now!"

From the back row, some of the crew members are nodding and saying the captain is right and everyone should throw all the alcohol overboard!

Captain yells …

"You divers in the back row, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!"


Saturday, July 20, 2019

"Skippy's Mast"


Playing fast and loose with the rules gets a sailor busted and Seaman Johnny may soon find himself in front of the Skipper … not in a good way! In naval tradition, Captain’s Mast is the traditional location of the non-judicial hearing under which a commanding officer studies and disposes of cases involving those under his or her command. If the individual conducting the proceeding is either a captain, or a lower ranking officer (typically a commander or lieutenant commander) serving as commanding officer of a naval vessel, an aviation squadron, or similar command afloat or ashore, in laments terms the proceeding is referred by shipmates as Skippy's Mast.  I myself stood in front of the old man twice in my first six months of a twenty-three year career.  They say you can’t make Chief unless you’d been to Mast at least once.

Here are some cartoons I’ve collected over the years on Skippy’s Mast! I hope you enjoy …























Friday, July 19, 2019

"At The Beach"



Two sailors go to the beach, and after a couple hours the first sailor says …

 "This ain't no fun. How come none of the girls aren friendly to me?" 

The second sailor tells him …

"Well, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that would help."

So the first sailor does just that, but he comes back later, and he says …

"I tried what you told me with the potato, but it doesn't help." 

Laughing, the second sailor says …

"Well, you’re supposed to put the potato in the front."


Sunday, July 14, 2019

“The Demise of Jack Tar”



The traditional male sailor was not defined by his looks. He was defined by his attitude.

He didn’t cry victimization, bastardization, discrimination or for his Mom when things didn’t go his way.

He took responsibility for his own sometimes, self-destructive actions.

He loved a laugh at anything or anybody. Rank, gender, race, creed or behavior, it didn’t matter to Jack.

He would take the piss out of anyone, including himself. If someone took it out of him he didn’t get offended. It was a natural part of life.  If he offended someone else, so be it.

Free from many of the rules of a polite society, Jack’s manners were somewhat rough and his ability to swear was legendary.

Jack loved women. He loved to chase them to the ends of the earth and sometimes he even caught one (less often than he would have you believe though). His tales of chase and its conclusion win or lose is the stuff of legends.

Jack’s favorite drink was beer, and he could drink it like a fish. His actions when inebriated would, on occasion, land him in trouble.  But, he took it on the chin, dis his punishment and then went and did it all again.

Jack loved his job. He took an immense pride in what he did.  His radar was always the best in the fleet. His engines always worked better than anyone else’s.  His eyes could spot a contact before anyone else’s and shoot at it first.

It was a matter of personal pride.  Jack was the consummate professional when he was at work and sober. He was a bit like a mischievous child. He had a gleam in his eye and a larger than life outlook.

He was as rough as guts. You had to be pig headed and thick skinned to survive. He worked hard and played hard. His masters tut-tutted at some of his more exuberant expressions of 'joie de vivre,' and the occasional bout of number 9’s or stoppage let him know where his limits were. 

The late 20th Century and on, has seen the demise of Jack.  The workplace no longer echoes with ribald comment and bawdy tales. Someone is sure to take offence.

Whereas, those stories of daring do and ingenuity in the face of adversity, usually whilst pissed, lack the audacity of the past.  A wicked sense of humor is now a liability, rather than a necessity.  Jack has been socially engineered out of existence. 

What was once normal is now offensive. Denting someone else’s over inflated opinion of their own self-worth is now a crime.

“AND SO A CULTURE DIES.”





As of 15 July, 2019 the Author has been identified as Mike "Ginge" Cundell, ex-Chief stoker submariner from the Royal Navy ...

Saturday, July 13, 2019

"Chief's Late Home Again To The Misses"



After a hard day at work on the ship, the Chief heads out to the bar for a couple of drinks!  As he leaves, late once again for the Misses, he stumbles upon a beggar in the streets!  The beggar asks of him…

“Mister, can you spare a dollar?”

Chief thinks it over for a second and asks the beggar…

“Are you gonna use it to buy alcohol?”

“No!”

… Says the beggar! So the Chief asks another question…

“If I give you a dollar, are you gonna use it to gamble?”

“Why of course not!”

… Says the beggar. So Chief asks…

“Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

Friday, July 12, 2019

"More Navy Pin-Ups"


She’s risqué, flirtatious, fiercely independent. She’s erotic, sometimes exotic always an alluring sight for you and your buddies. She’s the pin-up girl, an all-natural American sweetheart created to win the adoration of men across the country. You’d know her if you saw her — the rosy cheeks, bouncy curls, hourglass figure and penchant for thematic lingerie are pretty much a dead giveaway …

During World War I, President Woodrow Wilson formed the Division of Pictorial Publicity to stir up patriotism and inspire new troops to fight. Pretty women, often dressed in sexy military ensembles and announcing messages like…

“Gee, I Wish I Was A Man Man. I’d Join the Navy,”

… and …

“Be a Man and Do It.”

At the time were not too subtle.

World War II captured the pin-ups, as carefully designed by the U.S. government to boost morale by presenting an all-American sweetheart waiting for him — the girls worth fighting for. These pin-up photos were found pasted inside barracks, hung in Navy ships, and tucked into soldiers’ pockets.

Hugh Hefner launched his notorious nudie mag, using pin-up magazines as his muse, yet aware that the future of the female image lied in photography. By 1955, most magazines looked more like Playboy than the pin-up covers so popular ten years before. American Pin-ups are as traditional as baseball and apple-pie!

Enjoy the ladies, Boys!!!






























Friday, July 5, 2019

"What's In A Name"


A strikingly handsome young man walks into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand.  The agent reviewed his slim resume and small portfolio with care that was deserving of this fine young specimen.

“You have very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor for an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I may be aware of?”

“Other than the requisite High School and College plays, no sir.”

… said the young man.

“I dare to say the reason why, with a name like yours. Your name is Penis Van Lesbian. That’s not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I’d love to represent you but you will have to change your name.”

The young man protested …

“The Van Lesbian name is my father’s, my grandfather’s, and his father’s before him. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason.”

“If you won’t change your name, I cannot represent you young man!”

“Then I bid you farewell. My name will not change.”

With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

Five years later the Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. There was one letter that struck him particularly so opened the envelope and proceeded to read the letter…

“Dear Sir”

Several years ago I entered your office determined to be an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected saying that Penis Van Lesbian had been carried in my family for generations and left your office.

However, after leaving I had a chance to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and changed my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide. 

Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence to change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this $50,000.00 check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea that has brought me so much fame and fortune.

Very Sincerely Yours, 

Dick Van Dyke

 

Thursday, July 4, 2019

"Happy Independence Day"


Credit for this art piece goes to Ceasar Choppy and Marty Gavin from “Old Sailor’s Almanac.”  Happy Independence day to you and yours …