Saturday, April 27, 2024

" Sailor Drunk "

 


A drunk Sailor just came aboard from a hard night of liberty.  Soon after coming aboard, he discovered he had to take a piss in the worst kind of way…

He ran across a shipmate and politely asked him where the closest head was. He was told to go down the passageway and turn left, open the hatch, go down three steps and he’d find the shitters.

The drunken Sailor thanked his shipmate and started down the passageway. But instead of turning left he turned right, and fell 25 feet over the edge and down into the drink. He looked around, pulled out his pecker and rumbled …

“Fuck those other two steps. I’m pissin’ right here.”

 

Monday, April 22, 2024

" The Misses "

 


Four Sailors were sitting in a pub discussing their sex lives. The first man says …

“I sleep with my wife once a month.”

… The second says …

“Twice a month for me.”

“I do it once a week,”

… says the third Sailor …

“That’s nothing,” says the fourth Sailor, “I’m at it every day.”

The first Sailor cries …

“But you’re not even married!”

“I know,” says Sailor number four. “I thought we were talking about your wife!”



Sunday, April 21, 2024

" MEPS "

 


I’ll never forget the day I showed up at MEPS. I arrived at the entrance as they scurried me away to the medical facilities. The nurse took one look at me and said…

“Okay, Buddy, you’ll find a seat on the other side of the swinging doors.”

Before I knew it, I was getting a physical. They put me on a table and covered me with a white gown that had my ass hanging out the back end. As I sat there, the room filled up with several other prospects joining different branches of the service. An old codger of a doctor walks in, walks up to me and covers my face. I said …

“I’m not dead. I just want to join the Navy.”

… To which he said …

“Okay, jump up and down on one leg.”

So I jumped up and down on one leg. Then they started to examine me. What an examination it was… as they put a Doctor at one ear and a Doctor at the ear, look through your head to see if they can see each other, if they can, you out … disqualified! Then the Doctor said to me …

“Do you believe in the hereafter?”

“Of course I do, Doc…”

… He said …

“Good, from here on, you’ll need some faith!”

Then they sent me to see a classifier… the one who helps me pick out my job. I was to become a Firecontrolman.

“What the hell is a Firecontrolmen? Do I put out fires?”

“No actually quite the opposite. You start them.”

And ever since I had told family and friends that I joined the Navy to be a fire starter. You’d never believe the looks of confusion on their faces.

I went to ‘Great Mistakes’ for Bootcamp. Never did I realize just how great the barracks would be, with tiled floors that we stripped and waxed on a daily basis. That’s a lot of wax … and I learned about buffer rodeos too. Then there was the Navy Chow! They say nothing is too good for the Navy, and that includes the chow. Because that’s what I ended up eating… nothing. After eating that food I finally found out what G.I. stands for …

“Got Insurance?” 



































Fin )





Friday, April 19, 2024

" Recruiting "

 



The Navy Recruiter was prospecting a potential applicant …

“For this job, we want a responsible young man.”

… To which the young applicant chirped …

“Then that’s me. Everywhere I’ve worked, when something went wrong, they told me that I was responsible.”



An applicant walked into the door of the local Navy Recruiting Station. As the interview went along and after much squirming and mental labor it was time to fill out the paperwork. His first form read…

NAME: John Smith

AGE:  27

      SEX: Once in a while


 

Recruiter: What's your biggest weakness?

Candidate: My principal weakness is my problem with reality; sometimes, I can't say what's real and what isn't.

Recruiter: Okay, then what are your strengths?

Candidate: I'm Batman.

Recruiter: So, how long did you work at your previous job?'

Candidate: I would say my greatest weakness is my listening skills.


 

Received a call from a Navy Recruiter. She said …

"Sir I have two openings for you.

… I replied …

“Yes, I know.”

There was a long silence and then she said …

“Asshole!”

… I replied …

“I prefer the other one.”



Fin )



Sunday, April 14, 2024

" Letters from Home "

 


In today’s world of instant gratification, the norm seems to be immediate reward without any effort. It’s become ever more prevalent with each new generation. They never had to sit and wait while absence let the heart grow fonder.

Now, back in the days before email, cell phones, and social media, we had good ol’ snail mail. That’s right. We had to wait weeks, sometimes months to get a letter from back home. That’s why mail was so important back then. Mail was the lifeline that kept us sailors connected to the folks who didn't make a living floating like a cork in the deep blue sea. Rather it was a letter from Mom & Dad or Cindy, Sue, or Betty-Lou… it didn’t matter. It’s what we were waiting for to see if barnacle-encrusted rapscallions still had any significance in the domesticated world. 

Are there still mail buoy watches? For you landlubbers, the mail buoy watch was usually on the forecastle dressed in kapok with wet gear while diligently holding a shepherd’s hook to catch the buoy as we floated on by. Of course, this was a load of horseshit. A senior band of enlisted gorillas were usually in charge of such functions. But hell, back in the day, we always found ways to harass the new guy onboard. We sent a lot of new guys on fools' errands to keep them on their toes. Standing the mail buoy watch was just one of many.

When Mail Call was passed over the 1MC the Mail Petty Officer passed out mail while making smartass jokes about paternity suits, divorce decrees, or some sort of eviction notice… etc… etc.

Hey Mack! You got a few official letters here. Looks like the ex-wife is sending out the dogs to collect the loot.

"Smitty! Ya got a letter from some honey in Olongapo. Says she wants to get married so you can bring her to America and buy her Honda!

"Hey Joe, is that a letter from your girl back home?"

... Joe would reply ... 

"Is a pig's pussy made of pork?"

Some Sailors got love letters, and some didn’t. We all enjoyed the ones with the perfumed prose and laced panties to tuck under our pillows at night. It was one hell of a way to kick-start a wet dream. Some letters were so saturated in perfume they could make a dead monk horny! And some letters were written as though they had come straight out of a Xaviera Hollander Penthouse editorial.

You had to be careful who you shared your letters with. Some lowlife son-of-a-bitch would be more than willing to read those letters to a full audience…  

I can’t wait to see you again so you can kiss me passionately as I feel your hand go up my blouse …”

You know the drill. I had a gal who would send mixed tapes of what she considered “our songs” to remember her by. About 80% of the songs were like auditory ipecac. If my ears could vomit they surely would.

Then there were of course the ‘Dear John’ letters. Those inescapable letters would read …

"I know you will understand... The neighbor came over to fix the leaking faucet but fully rooted my plumbing instead. His snake is much more effective than yours. You’ll be receiving the divorce papers in the mail soon. In the meantime, I’ve drained the bank account and maxed out all of the credit cards. I figure you won’t need them while on deployment anyway, so have fun …

Signed,

Your soon-to-be ex-wife!

P.S. I'm sure you will find a Filipina more suited to your unique lifestyle."

But the family members, sweethearts, and other loved ones who faithfully wrote were absolute saints to a young man far away from home for the first time. There was nothing better than a little bit of warm welcomed news coming back from Mayberry Umpty Squat, Ohio. It was the mail that kept us going for so long. Even if we had to wait weeks upon months to receive that letter…

 

 



Fin )


Saturday, April 13, 2024

" US Navy Coffee "



Coffee to a sailor is the nectar of the gods. A Navy Sailor cannot function properly without coffee. Navy Sailors must retain a three to one ratio of coffee to blood to keep from going absolutely crazy.

There are many ways to have coffee … Regular, Black, and Midwatch Brew. Regular is using the prescribed amount in the coffee maker in accordance with the manufacturer’s instruction, poured into a cup with sugar and cream.

Black is done in the exact same method using no cream whatsoever, with sugar optional.

Now the Midwatch Brew, use two to three times more coffee than the manufacturer’s specifications and let it sit brewing for a minimum of two to four hours. This coffee should be thick, bitter, and strong enough to wake the dead. Navy Sailors coffee ration should be regulated to two to three pots per day. Over caffeinating a Sailor may result in longer than normal work days, longer than normal sea stories, and restlessness.

Coffee was created by combining the tears of a Food Service Specialist, the shrieks of a Yeoman, and the fear of green recruit seamen. Early Navy Sailors used these ingredients to make a tasty stimulating drink. Boatswain Mitch Coffee was the inventor of the drink in which it is named. Sailors from ancient Columbia cultivated the first coffee beans in the mountains and later sold the plantation to a Mr. Juan Valdez, so that Navy Sailors could focus on other things like drinking it.


The more you know … 


Sunday, April 7, 2024

Saturday, April 6, 2024

" Your April 2024 Pinups "

 Here’s a nice set of gals to keep you ol’ salts humored. I hope you enjoy this month’s collection …











































Fin )