"Schmuckatelli and the Girl Next Door"

 

Petty Officer Schmuckatelli lived next door to a retired Master Chief Navy Seal and his gorgeous daughter. This is his story when he came back to the ship on Monday morning from his weekend excursions …

“Saturday morning I received a knock on the door and it was that gorgeous girl from next door …”

“Hello Mr. Schmuckatelli.”

“Errr… Ummm… Hi there.”

“Listen, you haven’t seen anyone prowling around our backyard have you?”

“Ummm… no, why do you ask? 

“Well, some pervert is stealing my underwear off the clothesline and you know what my dad’s like…”

“Errr… Ummm… no, what do you mean?”

“Well, being a retired Navy Seal and all, he says if he catches the bastard stealing my underwear, he’s going to rip his balls off.”

“… I nearly shart her pants!!!”

"Buzz Sawyer's Sidekick Sweeney"

 During World War II, there was a comic strip of an adventurous John Singer Sawyer, nicknamed Buz Sawyer, who was a Naval Aviator and flew as an ace Navy fighter and dive bomber pilot in the Pacific Theater where he had numerous adventures with his sidekick Sweeney. Sweeney was your typical Petty Officer whose antics were typical of how people might envision the Canoe Club sailor to be. Here are a few clips I’ve enjoyed capturing for those of you who might like a few of these old comic strips. Enjoy… 

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( Fin)

"Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones"

While I was assigned to a hospital in Saigon, I was a Navy Corpsman in one of the medical wards. There was a Navy officer who got run over by a speed boat while skiing in the Saigon River. The prop blade caught him in the armpit. There was also an Air Force officer with hemorrhoids and every morning from across the ward you would hear…

"Good morning armpit"

… followed by … well you can guess!!!

"Sailors Behaving Badly Shenanigans"

 Sailors have always been known for their shenanigans. Even in today’s politically correct Canoe Cabaret, our young sailors find a way to amuse themselves in time of need. I hope you enjoy this month’s photo picks of Sailors behaving badly.

… This one I call Pollywog Foosball …

(Fin)

"Buffing"

 A poem written by Thomas M. McDade of the USS Mullinnix back in the day… you know it’s old because they still used the green tile!  

What I liked
most about it
being too rough
for deck apes
to work
topside
on the
USS Mullinnix
was buffing
passageways
and
coordinating
the whims
of machine
and sea
without
scuffing
the base
of bulkheads.
Even when
it came to
figuring how
many saltines
would cover
a green
square
of tile
to keep
breakfast
down.

 

"Ocean Pearl"

 While standing watch on the bridge, the Master Helmsman had noticed when an old, run-down freighter named Sagar Moti passed by. The Officer of the Deck (OOD) asked if he knew what it meant...

“Ocean Pearl.”

... He answered ... 

The OOD nodded...

“It does look like it’s been fished out from the bottom of the sea…”

"Sailor & Mermaid Cartoons"

 For thousands of years sailors have heeded warnings of the Sirens and Mermaids that lure them into the deep. Some of them sirens are the reason waterbeds were invented… I hope you all enjoy my collection of Sailors and Mermaids I’ve cumshawed for your enjoyment.

But Captain, I thought you said we could bring back souvenirs … 

Now hold on Olive … it wasn’t on porpoise!

She met him on line … 

(Fin)

"Two Swabbies"

 

Two young and zealous swabbies were sitting at a bar getting drunk and enjoying some cheap beer. One says to the other,

“Look at those drunks across the bar. That could be us in ten years.”

The other one says,

“You Asshole … That’s a mirror!”

"Mayday Pin-ups for 2021"

 This goes out to any of you dirty ol’ rapscallions who have ever served with women in our United States Canoe Club Cabaret. Many a young Seaman has fantasized about anchoring his dinghy in the harbor of one of those young cute female division officers. I’m sure the same could be said of the women sailors and their male officer counterparts, so I’m not saying anything that isn’t true to its word. Or the Commanding Officer tying you up to the mast and giving you a few whacks with the ol’ leather shillelagh. Well here are a few shipmates of the gentler type that will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside! I hope you all enjoy…

(Fin)