Here is
another one that came up the other night in a late night conversation at the
bar! The one thing I like about telling No Shitters is taking essentially
nothing and forging it into major bullshit!! The names have been omitted, not
to protect the innocent, but to keep old shipmates from showing up and kicking
the shit outta me!!!
This will
take a bit of deep cerebral resurrection! After years in the ol’ Canoe Club, I
find there's no damn place like reminiscing the past!! Let me see… it started
about how my wife and I met and the odd circumstances associated with the
event!!!
Let me tell
you, I love my wife and I take pretty good care of her! She has more shoes and
handbags than she knows what to do with!! She keeps telling me…
“Well,
Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!”
When we
first met, I was working a part time job at a beer joint called El’ Caminos
while the ship was in the docks! She came walking in with her perky busted
breastesses being the first pleasurable thing I’d noticed that night asking her
cousin…
“Who’s that guy?”
“Oh… that’s ‘Dennis Slut’ you want to stay away
from him!”
But what can
I say, she wasn’t easy! Her legs were closed up tighter than a virgin in a
convent making me wait for them goods!! So there I was taking interest in a gal
who wasn’t gonna give it up so easily… a diversion from my regular routine I
admit!!!
You see,
back in those days it was a good ol’ American Bluejacket’s calling to go out
and sow his seeds as plenty and often as possible! And we did… we swigged beer,
danced and went home with women we never saw again!! I remember an ol’ Salt
once mentoring me on the ways of a girl in every port…
“Shipmate, a vagina is like the weather, once it’s
wet it’s time to go inside!”
Now I must
admit he was usually more full-of-shit than a West Texas Stockyard! But
weekends of sexual promiscuity were a mainstay for your average Crackerjack
back in those days!! Leaving the Quarterdeck you’d often here the Chief say…
“There goes another sea going son-of-a-bitch on
liberty heading right for the bar looking for some panties and a bit of trouble
to get into… and he’ll find it I’m sure!”
Now Bremerton
had the biggest collection of sluts short of the parking lot at a Las Vegas
Porno Convention! The tart little hussies
were everywhere like sin and government street cameras!! Sailors were doing
ladies from sixteen to sixty… hell maybe older than that!! It was like ‘An Officer
and A Gentleman’… I think all of them gals were trying to escape the holds of
that ol’ Blue Collar Town!!!
And like
juvenile delinquents we were usually charged with improper behavior, destroying
virgin flowers, disrupting social decorum and spreading our seed at the
Chieftain & Super 8 motel right outside Dennys off of Kitsap Way! What’s
that old saying?!?
“Write me
once you get your sea legs sailor, and when you get back import I’ll make sure
you get to see legs!”
I still
remember my shipmate’s red Mustang, reaching under the seat and finding
gear-adrift panties removed from a one night stand in the ‘Nite Shift’ parking
lot the night before!! In the wonderful world of lust and relaxation, our
little group of ‘Salty Seamen’ were major league contenders in the business of
one-night stands!!!
But they
weren’t always beauties either! A woman can become real pretty after copious
amounts of alcohol and if you’re really unlucky, Jack Daniels could become your
best man at a shotgun wedding real fast!! Alcohol, combined with naturally
inherent stupidity had robbed us of any common sense and that’s just how it was!!!
So here is
where I will profess my crimes as plainly as a drunk at an ‘Alcohols Anonymous’
recovery meeting, in honesty only is there an ends to thy means! Risk
management in those days was defined on rather you felt compelled to wrap that
rascal before stabbing her between the thighs with your muffin dagger!! And
sometimes in the heat of the moment, you just took the risk!!!
On one
particular night a fellow shipmate and I took to this gal who was drinking and
dancing and having a gay ol’ time! She was one of those ‘If you can catch me
you can screw me’ kinda’ gals!! You could tell she’d stroked more wood than a
furniture polisher!!!
We flirted
and drank and flirted some more, and finally got her to agree to the
two-for-one challenge, taking us both home for a night of fun! It was obvious she’d
been with so many Crackerjack Sailors her labia went in and out with the tide!! We played
butt tag, hide-and-go-seek- the –salami, and backyard ball’n all in the course
of a few hours!!!
As soon as
we got to her house and walked through the door she had four screaming kiddos
with four different ethnicities! One looked Asian, one looked half Black, one
was a damn Ginger and the other looked Hispanic!! I kept humming…
“♪♪ It’s A Small World After All ♪♪”
… while my
buddy kept nudging me in the ribs!!!
Once she put
the kids to bed, it didn’t take long for that little gal to start getting busy!
She started getting down to business as exuberantly as a pyromaniac starts
fires!! And we all had a joyous time!!!
Slipping the
contents of your trousers into her oyster bed… it was like a wild mechanical
bull ride high fiving your shipmate while giving her the two for one bonanza!
She bobbed up and down like a ship tethered to the pier in Gail force winds!!
From my vantage point we must’ve looked like two amateur dick docs performing
some kind of weird double gynecological organ transplant!!!
When we were
done, we parted ways never expecting to see this gal ever again! But it never
really turns out that way, now does it?!?
A few months
go by and I meet my future wife! Something about the gravitational pull of her
well-developed breasts that lured my attention towards her!! And she was coming
in to the bar where I worked on a regular routine!!!
It turned
out one night that this gal my buddy and I ran the ol’ train on showed up while
I was working the front door…
“Hey sexy, I’ve got something to show you!”
“And what’s that?”
… I asked as
she pulls up her shirt to show her belly poking out …
“I’m with child!”
“What the hell does that mean?”
… looking surprised knowing full well what she meant…
“I’m pregnant with your baby!”
"Nice try Sweetcakes, but that could be
anybody’s after a one night stand with two swaggering sailors! I’ve been down
this road before and you’ll have to prove it!”
To her I’m
sure I was just another of a long line of insensitive assholes dropping off his
dirty laundry in this old rusty town… a girl in every port! That’s what their
mommas warned them about, but they didn’t listen!! I wasn’t trying to be an
asshole, I was just young and stupid… that’s how it was back then!!!
When a gal
comes up to you and says some shit like that, you suddenly formulate some
really unorthodox behavioral patterns! Denial is always the first to come into
play!! It was a pretty nervous night as she conveniently sat near my new woman,
who happened to know her and started pointing in my direction!!!
Now try
explaining that to your new found girlfriend! Fortunately in time, she met
another Squidly-Do-Right and he married her, the child took his name and that
was that!! I can’t say I’m sorry and didn’t feel relieved!!!
It didn’t
take long before my future wife finally broke open the chastity belt and let me
in! And it didn’t take long… a matter of a couple of weeks… before she ended up
‘With Child’ and I was gonna be a proud Poppa!! It was time for me to pay my
debt to society and take responsibility for the seeds I’d sown… Oh the irony!!!
Over the
years she’s asked me a time or two about that gal and what if her kid was
mine! Hell, with a girl in every port, that's a loaded question!! She’s got a heart forged of an
anvil to deal with a man like me!! I don’t know how she’s put up with me for so
long!!!
Yep, it’s just
a semi-articulate account of a long ago Crackerjack and his troubles &
tributes to the women and the lost ways of Navy life in those days! I suppose
with all those women and transgenders they got onboard now, the last thing they
need is a bunch of oversexed young men who need to get laid regularly before they
explode or go blind!! But it was all so long ago!! We were young… That was all
there was to it… We were young dumb and full of… you get the picture!! And
that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!!
