'Pleas'n the Skipper'

A young Officer was leaving the Admin office at 1800 hours when he found the Skipper standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

“Listen,” said the Skipper,

 “This is important, and all my yeomen have left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young Officer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the Skipper as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

 “I just need one copy.”

‘MIL-SPEC STANDARD BUREAUCRACY’

Ever do maintenance in the Navy and come across one of them damned Mil-Spec numbers??? Of course you have… bet you didn’t know where they came from though???

An ol’ Crusty Chief told me this one… it sounds about right for a no shitter!!!!

The US Standard railroad gauge for distance between the rails is specifically four feet & eight and one half inches. That's an extremely odd number if I say so myself... Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built the sons-a-bitches in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build the damned things like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the London tramways before the railroads… and  sooo… that’s the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Okay… fair enough!!! Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.

Okay… Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing, that’s pretty peculiar? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts in those old roads.

So who caused these old ruts in the old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since… and the ruts??? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of obliterating their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of four feet & eight and one half inches derives from the original specification (Military-Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Thus, Mil-Specs and bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with That… you may be exactly right!!!  Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the asses of two war horses.

Sailor & The Pope

The Pope And A Sailor Both Pass Away On The Same Day, And In A Mix Up, The Pope Goes To Hell And The Sailor Goes To Heaven.

So God Calls Down To Hell And Says, "lucifer, I Think We Have A Mix Up Here. I've Got One Of Yours, And You've Got One Of Mine. So Why Don't You Just Send The Pope Up, And I'll Send You The Sailor."

So The Pope Begins To Float Up, And Halfway He Meets The Sailor. "how Ya Doin?" Says The Sailor.

"Glorious," Says The Pope, "when I Get To Heaven I'm Going To Walk With St.peter, Talk With God, And Visit The Virgin Mary."

Well The Sailor Begins To Laugh Out Loud. The Pope Asks "what's So Funny?" The Sailor Cooly Replies,

"Sir, I Think Your About 3 Hours Too Late!!!"

‘Excuses…Excuses’

A sailor trying to sneak back to his ship about 3 o'clock in the morning was spotted by a Chief who ordered him to explain his tardiness. The lame explanation didn't work.

"Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you,"

The Chief said.

The sailor began to sweep, but a tern landed on the broom handle and he couldn't continue. He yelled at the bird, but it didn't budge. He finally plucked it off the broom and gave it a toss. But the bird came right back and again landed on the handle. Over and over, the same routine was repeated. A toss, one sweep, and the bird was back.

When morning came, the Chief also was back.

"What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started!"

“Honest… Chief!”

Said the sailor,

"I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link."

‘Crusty Old Chief & Dames’

A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

‘When Hell Freezes Over’

Some of you out there who might remember, there was a time when carrying a firearm onboard ship didn’t make a hell of a lot a’ sense…  

There’s not much I agree with in the direction of today’s Crackerjack Canoe Club, but one thing they finally got right is the Condition One firearm!! Yep… If you’ve been around for more than a few years… there was a time we carried the ol’ .45 caliber (great gun by the way) in Condition Four! That means all the ammo is removed with the chamber empty and the safety on… I asked my Crusty ol’ Chief who once served as a seaman on Noah’s Ark if and when we’ll ever get to load our weapons and he tells me,

“WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!!!”

I mean really, what kind’a gaudamned nonsense was that!?!?!?  

Thus somewhere between the events of 9/11 and Hell Freezing over… AT LAST… we finally got to put those damn weapons in Condition One!!!  For all you land lubb’n non military types… Condition One has the ammo loaded into the magazine with a round in the chamber ready to fire… the safety mechanism is your only Savior from a bad day on the Quarterdeck!!! 

But I suppose I would prefer Condition four over an exciting state of affairs of what would become filled with a piss your pants adventure and unwanted recognition in the form of a Fleet Wide Navy Message!!!

Some of the less fortunate yet pitiful situations that I’ve pulled out of dormancy in my memories could make a person wonder why the hell certain people would be given the gaudamned right to handle a firearm in the first place… In the immortal words of Lee Ermey… ‘Some of these Jackwagons should head right back to Mamby-Pamby Land with their tail between their legs right after they pull their heads outta their asses!!!!

It used to be that we did Gun Qualifications in the middle of the ‘Deep Blue’ when ever chance would allow… and all you had to be able to do to pass was aim off the end of the ship’s fantail and manage to hit the ocean… a mighty big target if I say so myself… of course you had to show that you weren’t overwhelmed with anxiety issues when handling that little mechanical trigger-’BANG’… cause we didn’t want anyone pissing their pants or pull’n a Barney Fife and tak’n out their foot in the middle of watch!!! 

Then right after checking onboard the USS Rainier they finally let us put the weapons in 'Condition Three' with a magazine full of bullets in the gun but not in the chamber... We had a gun qual  that for the first time was actually on shore… We went to a real live range with real targets and a possible ribbon certification if you showed you were handy enough with a sidearm!!!

But you know there is a reason they have the Darwin Awards every year… as they say,

“There are those who posthumously are better off for no longer contributing to the human gene pool.”

But some weren’t so gaudamned lucky!!! We had one fella’ at that there gun range who was soooo hyped up and nervous he pulled the trigger instead of putt’n on the safety and shot the rafters up above!!! Don’t know if that ever happened before but the Range Master would never let him  back on the range again… probably a good thing before he killed somebody… nevermind the fact he turned and unintentionally pointed his weapon at the Range Master when he was asked what the hell he was doing!!!

If that didn’t make matters any worse… a few months after the ship arrived to its new Homeport in Bremerton, Washington, a couple of the Gunnersmate types decided to head out to one of the local watering holes.  I suppose one of the fellas decided he was gonna go out with a bang ‘Gansta Style’!!! 

After kicking back a few beers and hitt’n the dance floor with one of the local dames… Gunner #1 accidentally discharged a handgun from inside his coat pocket through the crowd hitting Gunner #2 in the arm…

Now…  I don’t know what ya’ll think about the whole magic bullet concept but it must’a been a one helluva gaudamned miracle that in a crowd as much as a hundred or so people, one bullet managed to ricochet from one side of the club to the other only to find its way to the one person that came with ‘Gunner #1’ that night!!!

These Sons-a-Bitches were supposed to be the all mighty educated firearm masters of the shipboard Universe!! But it seems they were about as damn competent as Plexico Burress having a night out on the town if you ask me!!!

Then just a few years before the 9/11 attacks and a couple of incidents akin to some derelict using the butt of his gun as a hammer and putt’n a hole in his leg while on watch or the one incident that rings clearly in my head…

Muscat Oman, and we were pierside with the USS Stump alongside utilizing hotel services from our portside... I can still hear the Crack! Clunk!! WHIZZzzzz!!!... as a bullet ricocheted across the ship!!! Somehow the Quarterdeck watch on the Stump was getting relieved and he managed to discharge a round as he was clearing his weapon on the fantail… and as luck would have it the Chief of Naval Operations was in town to give a speech on our forecastle as part of his Fifth Fleet Tour…

Then a fella off the Rentz was tell’n me how they were plane guard for the Kitty Hawk on that same deployment…

He said the OOD had noted the crew on the carrier appeared to be practicing a bit of small arms off their fantail so he radio’d the Shitty Kitty’s Bridge,

“Kitty Hawk this is Rentz, are you aware of the small arms fire off of your fantail?”

To which the Shitty Kitty replies,

“That’s affirmative, Rentz.”

So the Rentz goes back,

“Are you also aware we are about a thousand yards astern of you?”

To which the Shitty Kitty responds,

“That’s affirmative, Rentz.”

So the Rentz replies as the junior ship,

“Could you please stop shooting at us?”

That folks is why they teach you math at an early age… so you can learn to put two and two together…

Sooo.. a few years of shore duty… 9/11 happens… Hell Freezes Over… and I’m back in the fleet!!! And Holy Shit Fire runn’n up hill through thorn bushes nekkitt… In a Hale Storm!!!

We’ve now got ‘Condition One’ Weapons on the Quarterdeck, the fantail, forecastle, and picket around the ship!!! Makes for one helluva watch turnover… and Duty Gunnersmate used to be a skate job… not anymore!!! 

So I come to the Mighty MOMSEN DDG 92 before it’s even commissioned and in todays ‘PC’ Navy… amongst all the Weapons Condition and Familiarization mumbo jumbo… and one of the young ‘Crackerjack’ fellas is the Duty Gunnersmate in the aft small arms locker!!!  As the watch was being relieved the passageway was secured to all passer-byes to keep clear for weapons exchange and security… The Duty Gunnersmate had already warned the Duty Electrician not to utilize the passageway as it was a security violation… but she failed to listen…

In seconds flat he pulled his Condition One weapon on her and had her face down on the deck… remember I said her… had this been a male it probably wouldn’t have been an issue…

Ol’ boy goes to the Chiefs Discipline Review Board (DRB) and Executive Officer’s Inquiry (XOI) and ends up getting his Gun Quals pulled for the better part of a year…

Now let’s go back to my very first ship and an FC3 I worked with was standing guard of some ASROC (possibly nuclear… possibly not) missiles when one of the Marines that were part of the ASROC security force approached him in a not so professional manner. He pulled his weapon on the marine and about made him shit his pants… he too was put on report, but when he was confronted by the Commanding Officer… the Skipper wanted to know why the hell FC3 didn’t shoot the Son-of-a-Bitch’!!!

My-Oh-My how times have changed over the years…

Now the poor sons-a-bitches are runn’n around the ship dressed in aquaflage with ‘Condition One’ Weapons in hand flipp’n through their gaudamned Politically Correct laminated ‘Rules of Engagement’ (ROE) cards wondering who and if they should aim their weapons at and rather or not they’ll get put in the brig for doing such things…

I tell ya, it takes a ‘Special Breed of Man’ or ‘Woman’ for that matter to deal with the hurdles they’re putt’n up infront of our young’ns these days… If I was wrong for the way I handled my weapon in my day then call me a slacker… dipshit… numbnutts… jackass… or whatever you want… I was the culprit who put my butterfinger in the magazine holder of my web-belt… hell we weren’t allowed to carry real ammo!!!

So here’s to you my fellow derelicts… if we were wrong… then I don’t wanna be right!!!

“A Wise Chief Once Said”

A young Ensign approaches the crusty ole’ Chief and asks him about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias…

“Well” replied the Chief, “The Insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition. First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable!”

The Chief goes on,

“The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. Now when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.  As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.”

Still the Chief goes on,

“As an Admiral you are obviously a star… Does that answer your question Ensign??”

To that which the young butter bar replies,

“Yes Chief… but what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander??”

So the Chief says,

“That  goes waaaay back into history, back to the Garden of Eden..."

"You see we’ve always covered our pricks with leaves!!!!”