“Never Surrender That Mechanical Trigger-Bang Thing”

No one likes to chronicle his own stupidity … But as a good Darwinian theorist, I quickly learned the strong selective pressures of young futility! And being the Fucking New Guy, “FNG,” after all, I had to learn that it’s better to swim with the sharks than to float with the bait!! Hence was the biggest lesson I acquired on my first ship as a US Navy Crackerjack Sailor!!!

There was nothing worse than being the junior man “Wet Behind Ears” at Morning Quarters every day! It was like having 'DUMBSHIT' tattooed on your forehead!!!

Now most of my shipmates were raised by wolves at best! Their comedic sadism became evident on a regular basis and being the “FNG,” I caught the bitter end of many attempted fool’s errands!! That just came with the territory of being on the lower end of the bottom-feeding enlisted totem pole!!!

Now I did a lot of stupid things when I was young but this one was a doozy, and made me feel about as dumb as an inbred coon hound! Maybe I was a bit too trusting of my elder shipmates, I don’t know!! But I sure the hell learned a valuable lesson about surrendering your weapon while on watch that day!!! 

Standing Security Rover on duty days required receiving one 45 cal. weapon, 16 rounds of 45 cal. ammunition and being ready and willing to shoot anybody trying to commit any funny business! You’re entrusted as the Officer on Deck’s eyes and ears of the entire ship as you rove from space to space!! I suppose you could say I took this for granted a bit much!!!

The problem with the issued little mechanical trigger-’BANG’ was it was hard to take seriously when the damned weapon wasn’t even loaded! I suppose we didn’t want anyone pissing their pants or pull’n a Barney Fife while tak’n out their foot in the process!! So this led to more important things to worry about such as scoring a pizza and settling down in front of the lobotomy tube in the cruise lounge to watch whatever might be on at the time!!!

There was one thing they drilled into our heads in Bootcamp and expected us to never forget …

“Never, under any circumstances, ever surrender your weapon … Ever!”

While shoot’n the shit here and playing grab ass there, I’d ran into one of my fellow FCs’, as I was making my rounds!  He started going on and on about something another and asking if I knew how to field strip my side arm!! I really didn’t give two shits what he was babbling on about, I just wanted to get on with it and get him out of my hair!!!

So my shipmates says …

“Here, let me show you something!”

… as he grabs my side arm and commences to undress it right on the table on the messdecks! Now I know there might be a few of you out there who ain’t dealt with field stripping a weapon before!! There are many parts such that if any one piece is missing, the whole shebang fails to function!!!

That’s when my shipmate got up and walked away …

“Have fun putting it back together!”

I found that I was here by involved in some real adolescent bullshit!!!

“Why is it me that always gets the shit end of the stick?”

He just walked off smiling like a Cheshire cat! Knowing I had about ten to fifteen minutes before my next check-in with the Quarterdeck, I was about as nervous as a Christmas Turkey!! At this point in my career, my Captain Mast and report listing was already a mile long and I wasn’t looking to get in anymore trouble!!! 

I would’ve rather shoved a wet noodle up a bobcat’s ass in a telephone booth than try explaining to the OOD why my side arm was in a gazillion pieces! So there I was busier than a one-armed bandit in a circle-jerk trying to figure out how to piece this son-of-a-bitch together!! That’s when my buddy Smithee walked by and noticed my predicament!!!

“Hey Smithee, you know how to put one of these things back together?”

 "Hell no, you dumb bastard.  Get that gauddamned thing away from me!"

And as I looked at the chronometer I realized I only had minutes to spare! The sheer appalling stupidity of the situation depressed me!! That’s when that jokester of a shipmate showed up and put it all back together in about fifteen seconds flat … I assure you I was quite amazed under the circumstances!!!

“Oh thank you most generous one…”

“You must have the IQ of a retarded fruit fly!”

I don’t know, figured it was probably more let’s bullshit the new guy kind of fun! When you’re young and doing dumb shit, you’ll find yourself in these types of situations!! It can make you feel like you’re as much use as an iron-on tattoo!!!

I mean it’s not like I was sent down on a fool’s errand looking for a light bulb repair kit! Though I guess it was just as foolish!!  W.C. Field’s once said …

“God still smiles on little children, fools, and dumb animals!” 

And yet I somehow walked away unhindered … just a couple of cuts and bruises along the way!! That’s when I learned there were actually “Twelve” General Orders, and the “Twelfth” one was …

“I shall walk my post from flank to flank, and take no shit from any rank!”

Yep, as you grow older you tend to remember the pranks and shenanigans! They represent the good times!! The acceptable idiotic behavior expected from the young!!!