Thursday, April 19, 2018

“Bat-a-Rat”


Sometimes Bubblehead Submariners can come up with some of the juiciest Sea Stories out there.  This one is from a fella by the name of Roger "RamJet" Burleigh. I hope you all enjoy …

The Mediterranean was a wonderful place of myth and legend to have as your first overseas cruise and that is how it was for me in 1967. To visit Greece and see all the wonderful and ancient sights, to pass the island of Stromboli and know it was an active volcano. To see the smoke at its peak and to find small floating pumice stones on deck after surfacing. Passing through the Straits of Messina that separates Sicily from Italy and see your first hydrofoil ship was an awesome sight.

I remember tracking something on the radar that was moving so fast that I asked permission to look through the scope to see it. Later I made my way to the bridge to watch these fast passenger vessels.

Power cables crossed the straits overhead in those days and may today for all I know, but I was dumbfounded that wire could run so far and not break. These are some of the wondrous sites available to a youngster on their first Med. cruise but by no means, ALL the sights!!

We Med. moored in Palermo, in a protected dock, which was shaped like the inside of the letter "U". We were about mid-way between the arms and dropped the anchor as we backed into position. We then carefully let out the chain eventually taking it up until we were suspended between lines ashore astern and our anchor rode forward.

The brow was positioned from the turtle back to the pier itself, which was no simple feat as the Cobbler was a PUFFS boat and the aft dome presented a problem. Now any sailor who has sailed the Med and visited these ports is familiar with "rat guards" and the rigging of same. A rat-guard is a conical shaped metal funnel sans spout. It needs not be water proof so is slit up one side which allows the seaman gang to slip it over the shore lines and then lash it close again. It is positioned as to impede the progress of rope climbing rats.

Now I wouldn't say that Palermo's or Sicily's rats were smarter rats, but they damn sure were bold bastards!! They never even tried to cross the lines and contend with rat-guards. Why bother??? There is a fine gangway laid shore to ship…let's board!!! Therefore we found it necessary to arm the after deck watch with a broom: we had two deck watches everywhere in the Med. one forward and the other aft.

Now one of the sailors aboard Cobbler was an EM3 named Springer. Springer is a story all by himself, but today we will only tell the part of it that applies to the here and now. Our first night ashore, Springer was making his way through some alley when he happened upon a bicycle leaning against a wall. The bicycle had a box mounted over the rear tire which was loaded with bottles of wine. As the evening was young and Springer hadn't taken on a snoot full of some other alcoholic beverage he recognized the value of what the Mediterranean Gods had presented him with and saddled up.

Later he would come riding down the street to the pier proud as punch and in true submarine spirit, willing to share his find with the boys aboard, one of which happened to be me. We untied the box from the bike and brought it aboard. It was a wonderful spring evening and we sat around the deck drinking what turned out to be a rather horrid red wine with a body like a dump truck and a flavor to match. (Neither attribute deterred us in the least as far as consumption was concerned.)
As the evening's shadows lengthened the infamous Sicilian rats came from their daytime hiding places and the after deck watch took up a defensive position near the bow, broom in hand. The first boarder took it hard as the watch wanted his shipmates to note his prowess at driving the vermin from our boat. Unfortunately, not only was the rat fired ashore like from a cannon, but so was the end of the broom which had come up against one of the brow's stanchions, snapping it from the handle like a toothpick.

This much smaller weapon made accuracy much more important while at the same time made success much more satisfying. A solid body hit would now knock the average rat a hundred feet or more. Now this was FUN!! (I might have to point out at this juncture, that there was no shortage of rats in Palermo then and may not be now, although we certainly did our collective best to reduce the herd.) Soon there wasn't a broom or mop to be found aboard or ashore with its business end still attached.

Guys were stalking the pier in search of rats and found that firing them out to sea was even greater FUN as you got to hear them splash when they hit, plus survivors (rats ARE tough) might try to regain the shore via the tank tops, allowing the poor deck watch some of the sport they had invented, but were now cut out of, as all rats were intercepted while still on the beach.

The peaceful Sicilian nights were the scene of sailors stalking the pier front, sticks in hand, then the cry of “BAT-a-RAT-Tat” would rend the silence, followed by a soft "thwack" sometimes a squeal and then a resounding splash. A cheer would erupt and the hunting would resume. So that is how the Mediterranean game Bat-a-Rat began. All thanks to Springer, a few bottles of wine and a broken broom. 

Remember, this was only the first evening and we were in for at least another weekend!!!

Sunday, April 15, 2018

"The Medical Visit"


 A Navy Commodore visits a group of sick Seamen in the hospital, goes up to one Seaman and asks:

“What’s your problem, Seaman?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the fleet, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Commodore.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Seaman?”

“Chronic Herpes, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the fleet, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Commodore.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Seaman?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir”



Saturday, April 14, 2018

“CHIEFS IN THE AFTER LIFE”



Gabriel came to the Lord and said…

"I have to talk to you. We have some Navy Chiefs up here who are causing problems! They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, breakfast SOS is all over their robes, they’re racing the chariots, and they're wearing their piss cutters instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the ladder to heaven clean…. There are beer cans all over the place… Some of them are walking around with just one wing!"

Then the Lord sayeth…

"Chiefs are Sailors, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil!"

So Gabriel went and called the Devil. The Devil answered the phone…

"Hello? HOLD ON ONE MINUET!"

The Devil returned to the phone…

"OK, I'm back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied…

"I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said…

"Hold on again. I need to check on something!"

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said…

"I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said…

"What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said…

"Man, I don't believe this....Hold on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. He returned and said…

"I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damned Navy A-Gangers Chiefs have put out my fire and are trying to install a damn air conditioner!”


Saturday, April 7, 2018

"Two Million Milestone"




Thank You to all my Shipmates for coming to visit and dropping a comment or two along the way! DantheNavyman has reached Two Million visits and One Thousand Comments along the way!! It’s fun to share stories and memories from some of the greatest shipmates of the ol' Canoe Club past!!!

Friday, April 6, 2018

“Mail Manners”


This little bit of regalia should bring you ol’ Salts back to the days of Snail Mail and how important it was to get those letters properly addressed and to the right people and visa-versa! This is from an old article pulled up out of the All Hands Magazine somewhere back during the last Big War (WWII)!! Hope you enjoy…

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Remind your friends and family that when sending mail to your ship it will always be received in the ports of New York or San Francisco, the FPOs there naturally get the information first and then forward it immediately to Washington for distribution to other Navy Post Offices.  When the destination of a unit is temporarily undetermined, its mail in the FPO goes into a pouch in the “hold section” and is not dispatched until the unit’s next address is received. 


For the sake of security, a so-called locator system is used in dispatching Navy mail.  Each ship and activity has a locator number (changed frequently) to which its mail is addressed after it is put in the pouches. 

One of the most difficult FPO jobs is the handling of “prints.”  Naval personnel are subject to constant shifts throughout the world, and all too often newspaper and magazine publishers have only the initial Navy address of their subscribers in service.  Publishers are notified, by postage due notice from the FPO, when “print” addresses are incorrect.  Postal Affairs continues, meanwhile, to advise naval personnel to keep publishers informed of their changes of address and to request discontinuance of publications they do not want. 

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When ships reach American ports, they find their mail waiting for them.  The FPO, informed in advance of the anticipated ship arrivals, loads the mail for each ship on trucks and sends it to the docks.  If the ship is not yet in port, the mail is not taken back to the FPO.  The mail truck waits. Sometimes, the mail is loaded on small craft at the docks and sent out to the waiting ships. 


At the New York FPO, 1944’s unprecedented Christmas mail load caused a severe case of growing pains which was cured only by moving the parcel post section to Navy Pier 51 on the Hudson River.  The pier has two decks and a rood (but little in the way of bulkheads), is about three city blocks in length, and offers to all hands the opportunity of duty in the open spaces.  Winter had come to New York and temperatures on the pier were frequently sub-freezing.

Parcel post crews at San Francisco and New York each operate a “scavenger department” where damaged or improperly wrapped packages from home are rewrapped. 

The biggest trouble with Navy parcel post is that so much of it is wrapped in packages that simply won’t stand the gaff, and also that parents and wives and friends insist on sending perishable foodstuffs to naval personnel overseas.  The food deteriorates with handling and changes in the weather. 

 
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V-mail is the most practical mail service the Navy offers.  It receives the highest priority and reduces the mail transportation problem.

Basically, the V-mail principle is very simple.  Instead of sending the letter itself, which is bulky and (when weighed in the millions) heavy, the Navy simply photographs the letter onto a tiny film and then gives the addressee a photographic print of the letter. 





“The Chinatown Bumboat”



The Chinatown Bumboat is one of several songs in the Salty Dick uncensored Sailor Shanty collection that speaks to the subject of anal sex. Bumboats were the small craft that flocked around an arriving vessel, offering items for sale. I hope you enjoy the Shanty…


I was strolling down Sand Street one fine summer night
And I spied a fair damsel as she hove in sight.
I ran up my number, to which she replied,
"I'm a Chinatown bumboat going out with the tide,
"I'm a Chinatown bumboat going out with the tide."


I passed her a hawser and took her in tow,

We crossed down the way like a couple should go.

We turned in an alley not too clean or neat,

And we dropped out mudhooks at the end of the street. 
(2 times)



She then led me up to a third-story floor,

And in her fine stateroom I soon laid her o'er.

She cleaned up her courses and her red flag downhaul,

Laid her lily-white hand on me reeftackle-fall. 
(2 times)



I gazed in her sternsheets, saw plenty of room,

And into her hullpipe I shoved my jibboom.

With her fenders o'erhanging like a bent scupper's lip,

Pretty Polly's a pirate who scuttled my ship. 
(2 times)



She rolled and she pitched like a ship in a storm,

And cried out, "Oh, sailor, you're doing me harm!

You're in the wrong port!" she cried out in alarm.

Well, the wrong port be damned, any port in a storm. 
(2 times)



She burnt down me rigging clean down to the hull,

And back to the sickbay me punt I did scull.

With me foregaps all bent and me mainmast unstrung,

The doctor said, "Sailor, yer jibboom is sprung." 
(2 times)



Now I'm lying in sickbay, me stern to the wall,

The Chinatown bumboat the cause of it all.

It's ashes to ashes and dust unto dust,

Tell me, where is the woman a sailor can trust?
(2 times)



-Salty Dick-



"Lebanon Daily News Comic Strips"


Back in the 1950’s, ‘The Lebanon Daily News’ in Lebanon, Pennsylvania posted comic strips of Sailors doing their thing from around the world!  Sailors back then were either as twisted as a testicle or hornier than a Viking’s Battle Helmet and ‘The Lebanon Daily News’ new how to capture these moments!! I hope you enjoy the cartoons…
















"The Story Of Uncle Bob"




The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said …

“My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”

“And what’s the moral of the story?”

… Asked the teacher …

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Very good.”

… Said the teacher …

“Now, Lucy?”

“Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only had ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.”

“That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Navy Seal in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

“Good heavens!”

… Said the horrified teacher …

”What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

“Don’t fuck with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking.”