"The Baconator"

Here’s a no-shitter I was caught listening to on the Men’s Room Radio Show yesterday afternoon. Now bear with me, it’s a Navy story out of PSNS Bremerton and it’s all I can remember from listening to these chuckleheads on the show! So gather round and find a wench to sit on or a bulkhead to lean against while you smoke and coke away to this funny little yarn …

Now we old Salts know that hanging out with a bunch of twenty-something year old hooligan shipmates watching Jackass Movies might not be the best and brightest of accepted wisdom among the conscious living. What man came up with the idea to harness the full destructive power of grain fermentation to the point we lose our ever loving minds in the conquest of stupidity … but I’m guilty as charged as are 99.9% of you shipwrecks reading this drivel as well! Now they bottle the stuff and market it as 151 proof, Four Loco, and dress it up with sex and the adventures of Captain Morgan the Pirate collecting his booty … “Aaaargh I’m a Pirate born Two-Hundred years too late!!!”

So as the story goes, a fella we’ll call Paul, had just recently arrived at Penis Anus Bremerton Naval Station from Bootcamp and “A” School in Great Lakes. At Twenty years of age he was ten feet tall and full of vigor … thought he could take on the world! You know the feeling … damned sure miss it don’t you?!? 

Anyway,  being the new guy checking into the barracks, he was matched up with a couple of roommates of drinking age who decided they would all pitch in on a nice delicious bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Scotch, some Jameson and a few Heinekens to boot.  Now with no plans for the night other than to sit around getting plastered six sheets to the wind, what better way to pass the time than to watch a movie with Johnny Knoxville and Stevo pulling their crazy hair-brain stunts with a bunch of other crazy young shitheads, and you’re the new guy in the bunch!!!

Now somewhere in the movie when these young shipmates were nice and lushed up, Johnny Knoxville convinced his good ol’ buddy Stevo to stick a beer bong up his derrière and pour copious amounts of alcohol down the ol’ poop shoot.  Now being the good protagonist in a story you need a few good antagonists to get the dice rolling in this quick adventure. What better way than to convince a few hardened young sailors to stick something up the new guys butt!!!

Being the young naïve Crackerjack this young character was,

“There is now way that would do anything to you. It’s just ridiculous and made for show.”

“No dude, that will Fuck You Up!”

So our young hero decides he’s so willingly inclined and lets his shipmates partake in pouring an emptied Vitamin Water Bottle full of beer and whisky down his sphincter all in the name of fun and games!   Now at no point does it seem like a good idea to ask your shipmates to pour anything down your butt … but what do you do with a drunken sailor… never mind the lack of health benefits associated with alcohol enemas!

According to our young raghat wearing Hero, it only took a matter of four to five minutes to reach the state of severe toxicity, to the point his shipmates knew they had to get some food in him before things went south too quickly! And so with the consequence of their collective lack of wisdom, they decided to haul their drunk shipmate all the way down to Subway Sandwich on the lower end of base and fill him up with bread and carbs to slow any resulting liver poisoning…

Leaning on his shipmates as the last man in line drunk and in complete oblivion, our shipmate commenced to make his order with the girl behind the counter. In the middle of his menu read he gapes his legs,

“Oh man, I think I gotta fart!”

… and out comes a wash of liquor at firemain pressure out his ass making an alcoholic mud puddle in the middle of the Subway floor!  Our illustrious shipmate proceeded to look down at his master piece, then looks back up at the lady behind the counter and says …

“Can I get bacon with that?”

And for ever more his nickname in the Navy was Bacon!  Needless to say the whole gaggle of Crackerjack Sailors were kicked out of the fine Subway establishment. So any of my shipmates still in the Bremerton area who know of the Baconator, please leave a comment … I’d love to sit down and share some good ol’ Sea Stories with this young man! I always love a good Sea Story!!!