This week, I
grabbed a box of tools at work that brought back a lot of Crackerjack memories.
The box was made of yellow plastic and on the inside were a set of
multi-colored nut drivers of various sizes. Then it hit me … that smell! The
Xcelite tool box has a smell the EPA would confuse with a hazardous waste dump.
It’s absolutely stankalicious if you know what I mean.
It brought
back memories yes it did. We used these tools quite extensively in the turbo-techno-twidget
world of whizbangs and molecular synchro servo umpty squats in the good ol’
Canoe Club! You twidgets should all remember the old Xcelite tools. I remember
the first time I’d used these engineering marvels, they had a smell worse than
a Motel ‘6’ bathroom after a chilli dog eating contest! I spent a little time
sniffing each tool in our unorthodox chaotic toolbox filled with accumulated
crap discovering which ones gave off the butt stank! I’m not talking the
unwashed rank kind of horrid. But the “something crawled inside a monkey’s ass,
stayed there a week and fell out dead and horrid."
After a
couple of ships and signing on to a brand new commissioned ship, we got a brand
new set of these tools in each CIWS Mount in a big brown briefcase. I thought for sure, some new tools that don’t
stink … I couldn’t had been more wrong. As soon as the tool kit was opened the
A/C in the space immediately recirculated the distinct smell of ass that
permeated everything once the case was opened.
We tried dipping them in solvents like PD-680 and alcohol to kill the smell … nothing
worked! We even poured stuff that made the place smell like a cheap New Orleans
whorehouse. Our First Class at the time tried one of them ultra-sonic
cleaning machines a time or two but with no luck. I guess the Top Brass figured
working with such a high level of stank should develop a level of immunity that
could stand up to anything below the level of ground zero in a CBR environment.
There were
times you’d be laid out in the back of the shop, with your foul weather jacket
tucked under your head taking a snooze until someone opened that God-for-sak’n
tool case …
“Who the
hells been wearing their skivvies inside out and backwards for the last three
or four days?!?”
That smell
could knock your socks off and send them running…
The best
part was during General Quarters. Each Mount had three or four young Seamen
from the Deck force assigned as their Battle-stations. There was nothing like a
young crackerjack sailor all sweaty from a hot day on deck with deck gray spattered
dungarees and arm pit stains the size of a volleyball. They’d come in and get in battle dress
discussing women’s tit sizes and sex with the fat girl that hangs out at that
club out in town. The Mount Captain or one of the other techs would inconspicuously
open the Xcelite case behind one of the unsuspected swabbies and …
“Man, what’s
that smell? You been scratching your butt?”
… another
would say …
“Seaman
Jones, you smell like you haven’t used soap and water for two weeks! What, did
that fat girl let out the flatulence and you haven’t showered since?”
“That’s some
of the foulest air imaginable! Damn!!!”
“What are
you a dog? Why don’t you shower after stick’n her in the butt?”
We would
stumble around the CIWS Mount acting dumbfounded wondering what the hell that
smell was. And the shenanigans would go on as that unsuspected swabby would
take big time heat for that nasty smell, and none of the others were any of the
wiser.
Yes, those
were the days. Your average civilian
would never understand us. They just wouldn’t get it, period!
