"How Servicemen Are Like Christmas Trees"

"Some people treat our servicemen like Christmas trees. They decorate them, and then they throw them out when they've served their purpose!"

"Shark Bait"

Here comes an old salty sea story onboard the USS Robert L. Wilson DD/DDE 847 as told by Jack Scully of back in the 1950s’ Canoe Club Days …

Our ship was on her way home from a pirate catching mission in the Caribbean early in 1961. We were lollygagging along the equator coming north back to Norfolk. It had been a really hard two weeks, and so the skipper (Lt Cmdr Holt - a prince!) had the thought to hold swim call out there in that emerald green sea.

The water was so clear you could see a dropped quarter for thirty feet or more under the surface. The ship hove to and we rigged for the evolution and put the motor whaleboat in the water.

The boat was the standard US Navy, 26' wooden, motor whaler. It was a great sea boat and had a Gray Marine diesel. It was the official Navy drill to have the boat wet, with a corpsman and an officer aboard, for this sort of thing. Riflemen were appointed to watch for party-crashers, and everyone was lined up on the port lifelines ready to leap in when the Old Man gave the word. He himself was togged out in swim bloomers and wife beater undershirt ready to go . . . when somebody hollered "Shark!" It most certainly was, about 15 feet or so in length. This focused everyone's attention until somebody else yelled, "HOLY SHIT!" and another shark came out from under the ship, cruising lazily out toward the boat, which lay parallel to the ship. This bugger was H U G E. Big barrel and long as hell!

When he slid under the boat, along the keel, we saw that his snoot and tail extended past the ends of the boat. All interest in recreation evaporated instantly, and the Gunner's Mates were looking for a shot with their M1's. Others ran off to grab some concussion grenades. The sharks hadn't broken the surface, so the boat crew was wondering what all the galloping about, arm waving and yelling was about.

JC Cole was the corpsman, and a black guy. He finally looked over the gunwale to see what everyone was pointing at, and friends, I have heard all my life, about blacks being scared white, but, buddy, I've seen it. JC literally blanched. The Chief - no officer actually went out in the boat on chores - saw the "little" one and they were alongside in a flea fart and hooked on. And this time, and this time only, did they ride those monkey lines all the way up to the blocks and swung inboard onto the chocks, before they let go and came out of that boat.

From the 01 level, the chief looked back out there and saw the BIG one, and liked to crap. No time was wasted in securing from swim call and the Wandering Willy was soon shed of that place on the chart and headed home.

Nobody got a picture, but when 'Jaws' came out, I know about 90 guys who were believers.

"Merry Christmas Everyone"

“Paoli’s Medical Exploits”

More of Jerry Paoli’s fine art from the pages of All Hands Magazine and Beyond …

‘THE OLD MAN AND THE SAILOR’

by Robert L. Harrison .

July 22, 1997 . Greenfield, Indiana

He was old and worn and a bit forlorn as he ambled through the park, 

He spoke to me and I could see that his eyes had lost their spark.

His gait was slow and his voice was low as he asked to sit with me,

And I answered him with a friendly grin, The sittin’ here is free.

He gave a smile and we talked a while and his voice was rather weak, 

But his mind was strong and it wasn't long til he began to speak

Of yesteryears and I saw the tears as the mem’ries flooded through

For he spoke of times and other climes as old men often do.

He smiled at me and I could see as he glanced at my Navy blues 

That he’d earned his keep on the briny deep and paid his share of dues.

I asked if he would share with me some mem'ries from his career,

He said he might if the price was right, and the price was a can of beer!

I’ve shipped on subs and oily tubs, on battleships and cruisers, 

Ten thousand mates and I can state not one of them was losers.

LST’s on foreign seas, from Tarawa to Leyte,

You name it, lad, I’ve been there, from Alaska down to Haiti.

Liberty ships of paper clips, balsa wood and glue, 

I saw one break apart one time and lose her gallant crew.

Marine Corps I took ashore on Tarawa and Truk.

Oh what the Hell, for quite a spell, I've had my share of luck.

One thing more, he said, before I move along, 

There ain't no air that’s quite as fair as the pipe of the boatswain’s song.

And the place to be is on the sea riding a fair sea swell,

With mates like you in Navy blue who’ll follow you straight through Hell.

So here’s to you and your Navy crew who take our ships to sea, 

You’ve fought and died and never cried throughout our history.

You’re heroes all and ten feet tall and your spirits never lag,

You’re the nation’s best and you never rest in defense of our country’s flag!

He rose to leave and I believe that he seemed to move much faster, 

His eyes agleam like a laser beam and his skin was alabaster,

He glowed at first then soon dispersed in a cloud of misty cotton,

A dream at most, perhaps a ghost, but not to be forgotten…

'Medical'

After his physical, the sexually active Seaman waited in the doctor's office for his results. The Doctor said,

"I have good news and bad news for you."

"The way I feel, please give me the good news first!"

"The good news is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."

"Great! What is the bad news?"

"It's malignant!!!" 

…  Replied the Doctor!!!

“Never Surrender That Mechanical Trigger-Bang Thing”

No one likes to chronicle his own stupidity … But as a good Darwinian theorist, I quickly learned the strong selective pressures of young futility! And being the Fucking New Guy, “FNG,” after all, I had to learn that it’s better to swim with the sharks than to float with the bait!! Hence was the biggest lesson I acquired on my first ship as a US Navy Crackerjack Sailor!!!

There was nothing worse than being the junior man “Wet Behind Ears” at Morning Quarters every day! It was like having 'DUMBSHIT' tattooed on your forehead!!!

Now most of my shipmates were raised by wolves at best! Their comedic sadism became evident on a regular basis and being the “FNG,” I caught the bitter end of many attempted fool’s errands!! That just came with the territory of being on the lower end of the bottom-feeding enlisted totem pole!!!

Now I did a lot of stupid things when I was young but this one was a doozy, and made me feel about as dumb as an inbred coon hound! Maybe I was a bit too trusting of my elder shipmates, I don’t know!! But I sure the hell learned a valuable lesson about surrendering your weapon while on watch that day!!! 

Standing Security Rover on duty days required receiving one 45 cal. weapon, 16 rounds of 45 cal. ammunition and being ready and willing to shoot anybody trying to commit any funny business! You’re entrusted as the Officer on Deck’s eyes and ears of the entire ship as you rove from space to space!! I suppose you could say I took this for granted a bit much!!!

The problem with the issued little mechanical trigger-’BANG’ was it was hard to take seriously when the damned weapon wasn’t even loaded! I suppose we didn’t want anyone pissing their pants or pull’n a Barney Fife while tak’n out their foot in the process!! So this led to more important things to worry about such as scoring a pizza and settling down in front of the lobotomy tube in the cruise lounge to watch whatever might be on at the time!!!

There was one thing they drilled into our heads in Bootcamp and expected us to never forget …

“Never, under any circumstances, ever surrender your weapon … Ever!”

While shoot’n the shit here and playing grab ass there, I’d ran into one of my fellow FCs’, as I was making my rounds!  He started going on and on about something another and asking if I knew how to field strip my side arm!! I really didn’t give two shits what he was babbling on about, I just wanted to get on with it and get him out of my hair!!!

So my shipmates says …

“Here, let me show you something!”

… as he grabs my side arm and commences to undress it right on the table on the messdecks! Now I know there might be a few of you out there who ain’t dealt with field stripping a weapon before!! There are many parts such that if any one piece is missing, the whole shebang fails to function!!!

That’s when my shipmate got up and walked away …

“Have fun putting it back together!”

I found that I was here by involved in some real adolescent bullshit!!!

“Why is it me that always gets the shit end of the stick?”

He just walked off smiling like a Cheshire cat! Knowing I had about ten to fifteen minutes before my next check-in with the Quarterdeck, I was about as nervous as a Christmas Turkey!! At this point in my career, my Captain Mast and report listing was already a mile long and I wasn’t looking to get in anymore trouble!!! 

I would’ve rather shoved a wet noodle up a bobcat’s ass in a telephone booth than try explaining to the OOD why my side arm was in a gazillion pieces! So there I was busier than a one-armed bandit in a circle-jerk trying to figure out how to piece this son-of-a-bitch together!! That’s when my buddy Smithee walked by and noticed my predicament!!!

“Hey Smithee, you know how to put one of these things back together?”

 "Hell no, you dumb bastard.  Get that gauddamned thing away from me!"

And as I looked at the chronometer I realized I only had minutes to spare! The sheer appalling stupidity of the situation depressed me!! That’s when that jokester of a shipmate showed up and put it all back together in about fifteen seconds flat … I assure you I was quite amazed under the circumstances!!!

“Oh thank you most generous one…”

“You must have the IQ of a retarded fruit fly!”

I don’t know, figured it was probably more let’s bullshit the new guy kind of fun! When you’re young and doing dumb shit, you’ll find yourself in these types of situations!! It can make you feel like you’re as much use as an iron-on tattoo!!!

I mean it’s not like I was sent down on a fool’s errand looking for a light bulb repair kit! Though I guess it was just as foolish!!  W.C. Field’s once said …

“God still smiles on little children, fools, and dumb animals!” 

And yet I somehow walked away unhindered … just a couple of cuts and bruises along the way!! That’s when I learned there were actually “Twelve” General Orders, and the “Twelfth” one was …

“I shall walk my post from flank to flank, and take no shit from any rank!”

Yep, as you grow older you tend to remember the pranks and shenanigans! They represent the good times!! The acceptable idiotic behavior expected from the young!!!