"Bottoms Up"

(Click Picture)

After a year at sea, a sailor headed for the nearest bar!  He pointed at a customer who was lying on the floor feeling no pain and said…

“Give me a shot of that!”

“Signals”

During a Naval Exercise in the Mediterranean, a Signalman rushed down to the bridge with a semaphore message from the commodore and said …

“Captain, this message just came in.”

“Read it out!”

… Said the Captain …

“Well, sir, I….”

… The signalman stammered …

“Just read the damned thing … now!”

… Snapped the Captain …

“Right, sir… It reads … ‘What the hell do you think you are doing, you stupid, blundering idiot? You’re not fit to be in command!”

“Yes, well…”

… Said the Captain …

“Have that decoded at once.”

“Promises Of Asian Sex In The US Navy”

Here’s another from Smokey Dafino on his encouragement to join the Navy!!!

"You'll get all the slant eyed pussy you can shake a stick at!" … Leared my recruiter with a tobacco juiced grin as he groped himself through his polyester trousers and mimed what I imagined by the grease on his pumpkin shaped head was a Vitalis lubed hand job. Fuck the good training and travel! Obviously sex with hot, young Asian women was this recruiter's top recruiting tool.

"Fuck yes!"

I had screamed out as I got caught up in the moment!!!

My recruiter, Don, was oily and unpleasant, with beady little pig-like eyes, an alcohol flush to his face, gin blossomed nose, and seriously overweight, like a hundred fucking pounds. He leaned back into his chair which groaned under the pressure and lit up an unfiltered KOOL while letting out a thundering fart at the same time. The entire room immediately stunk of rotten eggs.

"Just wait until you get to the P. I., that's the Philippine Islands to you landlubbers!"

… He coughed …

"The whores down there will jack you off and use Brylcreem for lubricant, much better than Vaseline!”

Brylcreem and not Vitalis for lubricant?!? Well, some sort of old man hair tonic, so I had been close…!!! The recruiter lifted his hands and looked up to the nicotine stained tile ceiling as if he was welcoming little baby Jesus down from Heaven.

"Nothing finer than a Brylcreem hand-job. And you won't catch the black clap going that way either!"

That would be the first of countless times that I would hear about the dreaded "Black Clap." Usually you would hear it after you bragged or lied to one of your shipmates about some broad you banged the night before. Your shipmate would be jealous you had gotten some pussy and he hadn't so he’d throw this fairy tale your way. The story was almost always the same. Some sailor in Thailand or San Fran … location doesn't matter, picks up a whore and catches a case of the dose. Only when the corpsman diagnoses it, he gives the sailor the bad news, but not before he calls the Shore Patrol who slap on the cuffs because of what he's about to hear. The news he’s about to hear is gonna drive him ape shit and he'll try to kill everybody in his general vicinity. He has the Black Clap and it can't be cured.

All the penicillin and tetracycline in the world won't save his soul and like fucking Typhoid Mary but more like Gonorrhea Gary. He's contagious as a son-of-a-bitch so they ship him off to some mysterious island never to be heard from again - I would imagine that there's a lot of corn-holing going down on that island with all those infected horny sailors running around - no women to hump and they're all gonna die anyway.

He would be reported to be lost at sea, killed in action, or some other line of crap to his parents and they’d get paid off with his military life insurance (SGLI) so they wouldn't ask any nosy questions. Before I had walked into the recruiter's office the only thing I knew about the Navy came from two things: I had seen the movie The Last Detail with Jack Nicholson last winter. Jack is a sailor's sailor in that flick. Boozing, brawling, banging chicks, smoking reefer, and Jack even tells a jarhead officer who runs the brig to go fuck himself. So that was cool.

And the second thing was this comic fuck book that my brother got from an uncle of ours who had been on a trip down to Juarez, Mexico. My brother had kept it hidden under his socks in his dresser drawer but I found it when I was looking for some loose change and cigarettes. The comic book had these drawings of Popeye the sailor man and his slut Olive Oyl fucking in all these wild positions. Popeye had this huge crank and Olive's beaver was real hairy, not like that shaved shit that's all the rage in the porno industry these days. I know it was just a comic book but gauddamn! If that's what sailors get to do - bring it the hell on!

Don had been so excited that I wanted to sign and ship out that day that he had blown off the standard police check with a conspiring wink. Three hours and a ass-load of signed papers later I was on a bus headed for Minneapolis and the Armed Forces Enlistment Center!!!

"The Chief Navigating The Ensign"

I got this excerpt from a book a while back, and I’d like to give props for it, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what book it was!?! Anyhow, I thought this was rather an entertaining bit, so I hope you all enjoy!!!

Chief Benson unfolds the paper and reads it out loud,

“To Ensign Bill Baker. We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, that we are now qualified to do anything, with nothing at all.”

Signed

“First Division”

“Why Mr. Baker, I think they like you!”

… Chief Benson replied with a laugh …

“Hey Mr. ‘B’, have you seen the other two notes going around the ship?”

“Well, I’ve seen the poem on sweepers, Chief. Is there another one?”

“Yes Sir!”

… Chief acknowledges as he hands Ensign Baker another piece of paper…

“I think the crew has been getting a little bit red-assed lately.  When these things start circulating, it usually means trouble is really a brewing!”

… Ensign Baker now takes his turn at reading aloud …

“Think you have troubles? Here I am, just a stupid regular Navy bastard, stoned and drunk, pissed off, just waited in line for liberty for forty-five minutes, got the last seat in the last launch, was bumped for the Shore Patrol Chief and missed the boat! I puked on my new shoes; tore my shirt and my wrist watch got smashed. I’m getting a hangover, I’m damn flat broke, lost the key to my locker, and can’t find my identification card! I missed muster this morning, no pass, I’m now a liberty risk, no pussy, no cigarettes, no mail, no friends and damn few relatives who will claim me!  I’m homesick and tired, and the Chief is giving me grief because I need a haircut! I’m higher tenure in pay grade, my rate is frozen, I have an insufficient credit rating, my pay record is fucked up, and my leave has been disapproved! No clean clothes, laundry sent down too late and rejected, I missed chow, the ship’s store is closed and the ship’s Legal Officer wants to see me about the fight I was in at the base club!  I’ve got a hard-on, maybe V.D., I’m about to shit my pants and the ship’s head is secured for inspection!  Then some wise ass ‘lifer’ son-of-a-bitch walks up to me and says … “Ship over for six years, look at all the benefits!” 

“Not bad is it, Sir? I have no idea who thinks these things up, but some of these things are pretty funny! Keep in mind that when these things are going around the ship, it generally means that trouble is a brewing!”

… Ensign Baker nods … “Yes” … to the Chief’s advice, then replies …

“Hey listen, I’ve got a meeting with the XO, Mr. Graziotti, so I guess I’d better be going!”

… As he walks away, Chief Benson calls after him …

“Remember the first three things the XO is going to ask you! ‘Got a cigarette? What time is it? What’s going on?” 

Just goes to prove … It’s always best when a boot Ensign listens to his Chief!

"Haley's Comet"

How many of you old Salts remember this one?!? I think they taught it in every level of Leadership from the time you made PO3 to pinning on the fouled anchors!! Please … Enjoy!!!

As in all military services, the links between chains of command are being tested constantly. Sometimes two-way communications end up being interpreted slightly differently from the initial transmission.

A hypothetical admiral issued the following order to the ship’s company:

“Tomorrow evening, at approximately 2000, Halley’s Comet will be visible in this area, an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Have the men fall out on the flight deck in dungarees, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the hangar bay theater area and I will show them films of it.”

The CO relayed the order to the XO:

“By order of the admiral, tomorrow at 2000 Halley’s Comet will appear above the operating area. If it rains, fall the men out in dungarees, then march them to the hangar bay theater where this rare phenomenon will take place.

something which occurs only once every 75 years.”

The X 0 relayed the order to the department heads:

“By order of the admiral, in dungarees at 2000 tomorrow evening, the phenomenal Halley’s Comet will appear in the hangar bay theater. In case of rain in the operating area, the admiral will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.”

One Department Head passed the directive on to his division officer:

“Tomorrow at 2000, the admiral will appear in the hangar bay theater with Halley’s Comet, something which, happens every 75 years. If it rains, the admiral will order the comet into the operating area.”

The Division Officer made his announcement in the formation the next morning:

“When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old Admiral Halley, accompanied by the captain, will drive his Comet through the hangar bay in dungarees.”

Regardless of who’s giving the order or who’s receiving it, to be effective, the communication must be properly transmitted. Just something to keep in mind… a lesson in leadership!!!

"Scott The Horny Sailor"

With apologies to Peter, Paul and What's her name … sung to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon"... it's a modern day Shanty, so come on ladies and lads, everybody sing along!!!


Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

He talked about his penis
And the wonders it could do
And all the ladies "ooh'd" and "ahh'd"
And screamed till they turned blue.
But when it all was over
And evening turned to morn,
He still be stuck alone in bed
And jerking off to porn.

Oh ...

(chorus)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

He tried to get some action
Or maybe just a blow
But every time he came that close
His ship would up and go.
He tried to do his duty
He tried to keep it clean
But then he'd think about the girls
And cream his Dungarees.

Oh ...

(chorus)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

The ocean rolls forever
But not for sailor boys
Life on ships and year-long trips
Give way to land-ward joys.
The ladies all were thankful
They all were glad he stayed
And maybe now that horny guy
Can finally get laid.

Oh ...

(chorus)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
S.I.M.S (M.P.)

Scott the horny sailor
Lived on the sea
And flirted with the women in
Esss Eye Emmm Esss (Emmm Peeeeeeee!)
________________
St. Euty, H.M.S.H.

'A Sailor & His Wife'

A Sailor walks into a bar looking really moody, and orders a double-whisky! The he starts rambling on about how lousy a wife he’s got, until the bartender finally says…

“You know, I don’t understand what you’re complaining about. All the other guys in here only have compliments about your wife!”