"Short-Arm Inspections ... What Are Those"

Any of you old rapscallions back in the day ever find yourself in line for the short-arm inspection? There’s a reason Corpsmen were known as "Pecker Checkers" or “Penis Machinists.”

The crew I hung out with back in the day, well we were a rollicking bunch of happy-go-lucky man whores! Meeting girls in every bar up and down the West Coast accessible to the Navy anyway!  Scratched our balls from Cabo to Vancouver and anywhere west of there! Scratched our initials on a few headboards as well. You could usually find us anywhere carnal pleasures were dispensed.

There was this gal in Bremerton I hooked up with one fine evening. I suppose many a sailor knew her and many had been there before me apparently … we’ll get to that. But hey, she had a charm about her. As the evening was young and I had taken part in libations of some sort, I had recognized the full value of what Bacchus had presented me as I saddled up for an evening of fun. Hell we played naked tag, hide-and-go-seek and skin darts all in a matter of a few hours …

Then all I remember was waking up the next morning in a strange house on the other side of town with this gal passed out butt nekkit and drunk on top of me. As I opened my eyes and noticed it was light out and the sun was up, I checked my watch …

"OH SHIT!”

You know that anxious feeling you get when you realize Quarters was being held fifteen minutes ago? Never mind there were no cell phones back in those days. I hauled out towards the street pulling up my pants, the hell with my skivvies, got a cab and back to base in about thirty minutes! As I salute the Quarter Deck, the LPO shows up just in time to greet me! He hauls my silly ass up to the CIWS Mount and reads me the riot act probably for the fourth or fifth time. Don’t know why he didn’t write my ass up and send me to Skippy’s Mast. I deserved it at least a dozen times over…

… But I digress …

It only took a few days before I started getting that not so fresh feeling between my legs. I never got the puss dribbles or the green weenie. I suppose the itchy feeling down the center of the urethra was enough to let me know something just wasn’t right! In the dark black waters deep in the recesses of my mind lurked murky monsters of the worst possibility, or at least I thought they were … which was much more frightening. It was during the AIDs scare you know...

I went down to medical after Quarters to have the Doc’ take a look at it. The Corpsman came out and did his typical temp and blood pressure check, and asked me what the problem was…

“Well you see Doc, the inside of my peter itches and it feels like I’ve got to pee all the damned time!”

"With all of the training we give you, how in the hell do you stupid asses end up in medical?”

… You know that dumb look you give …

" I dunno.”

“Liberty for the stupid I suppose. Okay what was her name?”

“Trina …”

“Blonde haired girl, blue eyes and big tits?”

“Yeah …”

“I bet I’ve had a dozen sailors down here in medical over the last few months because of that same gal. I suggest you just stay clear from now on, and maybe warn your shipmates!”

From there he pulled out a long ass copper wire with a Q-tip on the end. He heated up the wire with a Bunsen burner and commenced to sticking it up my pee-hole and dabbing it in a petri dish with some kind of jelly in it ... not any position you want to be in, take it from me.

“Now come back tomorrow and I’ll tell you what you’ve got. And from now on, wrap that rascal.”

“That might work, I calculate.”

I tell you, Corpsmen don’t have much in the way of sympathy and socially acceptable bedside manner. Turns out I had some sort of Nongonococcal Urethritis or NGU for short. And that was my short-arm inspection with the Pecker Checker down in medical. It’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I’m not gonna say I’m proud of it, but my wife said she was warned when she met me of the kind of trouble I was getting in. Somehow over the years she tamed me, but I got the scars and memories that live on. 

Boys and girls, once upon a time long, long ago we lived a life of precious memories. I hope as I grow grey and old, my mind doesn’t turn to mush and I forget all that had been said and all that had been done. Cheers … !!!

“The Unfaithful Wife”

Words you never want to hear while making love ... "Honey, I'm Home!"  A Sailor was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much underway almost all of the time. So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife. One Sunday morning while import for the weekend, we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

"August Pin-Ups"

Behind the playful veneer, pin-ups have told the story of how war, markets, and sexuality shape society and norms. They are as much a part of Americana as Apple Pie. The sexy & sultry pin-ups cause us to think of the time surrounding World War Two. Their pictures would run in pages of Life Magazine as well as many other inspiring countless imitators. This led to the likes of Playboy Magazine and later Maxim and FHM Magazines. For the first time men had an easy source of feminine fantasy entertainment at their fingertips. With the advent of the internet some twenty plus years ago, now pinups are everywhere. Here I’ve gathered a few for your pleasure. I hope you enjoy them …

(Fin)

"Operation Appendix"

Here’s another rusty recollection from our salty ol’ pal Owyn “Preacher” Bradford. He’s always got some good ones from the good ol’ days …

"This month’s playmate must be outta sight!"

Now this ain't no shit, mates. 1966, Naval hospital Cubi Point PI. It was two days after an operation to remove the remnants of a busted appendix. I had drain tubes in me and all, insides had been fulla infection.

Right after breakfast this chief comes over…

"Heave out shipmate, it's time to turn too for field day."

"Just had an operation, Chief."

"Don't give me that stuff, turn too!"

Just then three-striper doc comes over…

"This man stays in bed, Chief. My authorization."

And he turns away. Chief glowers, bends down and hisses…

"I'll fix you, sonny boy!"

Loud enough for doc to hear, I blurt out

"What do you mean you'll fix me, Chief?"

Doc comes back, takes chief by the arm.

"You come with me right now!"

As to the rest, we can only guess...

"Eval & Fitreps"

Any of you old shipwrecks remember having to write evals or fitreps for your troops? Then there came a point where the Chain-Of-Command (CoC) asked you to write your own fitreps … "Does anybody around here remember if I did anything this year?"  Here we’ve found some great eval and fitrep pearls for you all to enjoy…

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity."
 

"This officer can be likened to a small puppy; he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up."
 

"This Officer is really not so much of a has-been; as he is more of a definitely won't-be."
 

"This Officer sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

“This officer’s presence aboard my ship is depriving some village of its idiot.”

“This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.”

“Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.”

“She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

“Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.”

“Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.”

“A room temperature IQ.”

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”

“A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

“Bright as Alaska in December.”

“One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“Fell out of the family tree.”

“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

“He’s so dense, light bends around him.”

“If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

“Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.”

“Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.”

“Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”

“He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.”

“Technically sound, but socially impossible.”

“He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.”

“The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship, and even that’s a stretch.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

(fin)

  

"World of Warships"

I don’t know if any of you old farts are fans of the online game “World of Warships!” It’s a tactical, slow-paced shooter game with Navy ships of all types. The game is free online and allows players to work as a team up to three players. I’m not a gamer but I’m surely fascinated by the computer art. It’s pretty awesome if you ask me. Here are a few pics I pulled that I thought you might all enjoy plus a video link at the end. It’s some really good art that’s almost life-like. Enjoy …

(Click on Video Link Below)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcjDzi3ghtM

"Transfer of Admiral Rickover"

At one point in the time during his career, Admiral Hyman Rickover, the father of the Nuclear Navy, was a commander of a carrier task force, and his flag on the carrier.

For exercise, Admiral Rickover walked a lap around the flight deck every day. It became custom for the sailors to approach the Admiral during his walks, and gripe, complain, etc …, and the Admiral would take care of the problems brought forth by the crew. It was a great morale booster.

Well, the day came when Admiral Rickover was reassigned to Washington, and a helicopter carried him off. The crew was so despondent at his departure that the helmsan wasn’t paying attention to his job, and the carrier hit a sandbar.

I guess you could say they grounded the warship he walked on …