‘Sea Monsters?’

Okay…. So what do sea monsters have for dinner… Fish and ships?!? Hell, after Twenty-Three years in the Deep Blue… I ain’t seen noth’n like the Kraken or any other Horrifying Leviathan Denison of the Deep! Never ran across the mighty Architeuthis Squid of ‘Nemo’s Twenty-One Leagues under the Sea’!!

 

Like going back to the days of Ahab and the White Whale, I once had a Moby Dick kinda moment with a whale that came up in front of the forecastle about twenty feet directly below me… more like Moby Dick’s daddy… Poppa Boner! Scared the Bejeeezuz outta me… Damned near pissed my pants!!!

Then there was the time I was snorkeling in the tropics and about got my hand bitten off by a yellow eel!! Reach’n inside a crevice look’n for some lobster when something grabbed my damned arm!! I pulled it out and attached to my wrist was this huge eel… with dagger like teeth… and evil red eyes!! Blood was clouding the water everywhere!! I thought he’d taken my whole gaudamned arm off bubbl’n up to the surface scream’n and holler’n… everybody laugh’n at me!! Just a flesh wound, but I think I’d about shit myself under water!!!

And once I’d seen a big ol’ Shark trailing the fan tail while dump’n garbage!  He had big sharp teeth… wicked teeth!! He was hungry and could eat you… staring at me with those cold dark eyes and the gaping mouth full of meanness… By God I swear!!  Could you imagine going over with the garbage?!?

Man-eating sharks… Mobius Titanicus Whales… Sea Serpent EELs?!? No… those weren’t the real Sea Monsters! The real Sea Monsters were all too real… like the crusty ol’ Chiefs in the Goat Locker!!!

“There’s no gaudamned question about it… sailors belong on ships and ships belong at sea!”

 These were Old Time Navy hard-ass sons-a-bitches from the days of Noah’s Ark... I've still got the teeth marks seared into my ass to prove it!

 "Anyone seen my right boot... I need to stick it up Seaman Smelly’s ass so he can taste the leather on my toes when they’re tickl’n his gaudamned tonsils!!”

 Chiefs had tempers of volcanic proportions... Early morning Quarters the first thing outta the Chief’s mouth…

 "What is this… a social goat fuck? Form the fuck up you ugly bastards!”

 Yeah, they should’a had their mouth’s washed with soap... true experts in the enterprise of descriptive four letter words their mothers would never have endorsed!!!

When a ‘Grumpy ol’ Chief is pissed off… the judiciously safe distance of well-being would be several Zip Codes from where he’s currently standing...

 Then there was the Navy issued asses! There is noth’n uglier than a Sea Monster with the exception of some of those women on Navy ships... they'd definitely fit the description!! Some of those gals were ugly as could be… kinda like Ursula from ‘The Little Mermaid’ with the big ol’ hips… giant teeth… and tentacles for legs!! I shit you not… my shipmates can attest to it!! Just ask’em!! So ugly they’d need a medical waiver just to get married!!

 But months underway and noth’n but the hand and some jergens keep’n you company… the ones on land… civilian types out in town… those kind’a ladies sometimes put the women on ships to shame!! A good Chief would always tell ya…

 “If she lives around these parts, she could probably suck start a Cummings Engine. Lord knows she's had plenty of practice. Just don't kiss her... you'll be making out with the whole gaudamned fleet!”

 Hell, when my shipmates caught wind of my ‘Lola’ moment (an earlier story) I kept hearing ‘Public Service Announcements….

 "You know what they say about women who have large feet don’t ya?”… “They got big penises!”

 With a fixed need for a cold beer and some feminine companionship... a lot of them gals would otherwise be real eye sores… but to a female-deprived Barnacle Bill style Crackerjack just moments after liberty call and some strong suds down his gullet… they were temporary Goddesses!!! Oh my ain’t it funny how the contemplation of horizontal refreshment and exuberant amount of libations can turn on the ol’ Beer Goggles?!?

“I'm just say’n these guys still got their ‘Deployment Goggles’ on and now they wanna double up with ‘Beer Goggles’? Someone is gonna make one hell of a friend tonight… and sure as shit gonna regret in the morning."

 The longer one goes without companionship of the feminine type the better the odds can reduce one to the state of temptation at cross pollinating with a female King Kong type gorilla just minutes after being released across the brow…

 “Hey… Have you ever seen Gorillas in the Mist?”

“Yeah, I've seen your new girlfriend in the shower!”

 The only defining measure of good judgement at this point is that she walks upright and has most of her teeth left and over Ninety but under Three Hundred pounds… so long as her body odor ain’t noticeable! Yes… weeks of turn’n circles in the deep blue can make an Iguana look like a beauty queen!! You know they say that sticking around at late night taverns ‘til last call accounts for at least sixty percent of regrettable hookups. I remember one bigg’n I regretted in the morning! This had been the biggest one yet...." swear it took two hours to bring her in when I harpooned Her!! Why else was I hang’n around for last call?!?

 “Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuckity fuckity fucking fuck mother of fuck. Why the fuck did you put your dick in that you piece of shit?”

 You know when she’s asleep on your arm the next morning and you’d chew it off to keep from waking her or after sobering up you scrub it with rubb’n alcohol and acetone while contemplating in the act of cutt’n it off because you were soooo ashamed… Yep, I’ve been there!!!

That long lost search for a soft sweet-smelling bed partner even leads to possible homicidal situations between friends… as Jeff Caldwell could probably attest after leav’n us at a late night diner with some old Sea Hag he was gonna hook up with!! That was until the coffee kicked in and he realized what he was gett’n into!! Her grill was about as fucked up as dyslexic alphabet soup and her breath was kicking like a kung fu movie.

 Jeff… That was about as wrong as two boys screw’n in a preachers office!

 Then you got the fellas who purposely go for fat chicks… yes some fellas do it just for sport! I’m talking about the age ol’ practice of going hogg’n…

 “Son what do you mean you don’t like hogg’n… If you don't like bacon the terrorists win!”

 “Yeah man… You haven't snuggled till you've shared a twin size with a fat chick!"

 It’s taken for granted that us ‘Crackerjacks are a bunch’a gaudamned horny bastards. We’d been known to go horizontal with anything with a hole and two tits and tell tall tales about how we’d bedded Miss America the night before... Let’s face it, the male appetite for volatile torpedoes and bearded clams is unquenchable. After all… a bit of booze makes everyone a little easier on the eyes!! I’d been known to have the ability to screw what looks like it should be on the endangered species list… you’d heard of the Bremelos… we’d also discovered the Silverdactiles and Port-a-potimus of the Great Northwest!! 

 

Though you can pretty much find similar species everywhere… And don’t think you fellas are all that pretty yourselves… ‘Old Spice’ and crisp uniforms won’t hide everything… cause ugly is ugly, ain’t no two ways about!! But hell... even the ugly ones need some loving too!!!