'Stew Burners'

Distrustful of the Mess Specialist’s culinary talents, the ol’ salty Petty Officer asked the senior ‘Cooky’ in the galley...

“How do you know when the food is ready to be served?”

"Easy!"

…said the Stew Burner…

"When it's burning, it's cooking. When it's smoking, it's done."

'DI Letter'

This letter was sent to me by a fellow shipmate a few weeks back! I don’t rightly know who the author is or when this was even written but it’s quite a jolly of a letter… I hope all you old Swabbies can relate and enjoy…

So a few years back I had joined the Marines and after my four year hitch I got my degree and went through OCS as a Naval Officer! Like his older brother, my younger sibling joined the Devil Dogs as well!! Here is what my brother is going through In accordance with our family tradition as I sent this letter to his DIs:

To: The DIs of Platoon 3073,

Gentlemen, I am the brother of a new recruit in your company, Recruit XXXXXXX. Recently I have received a disturbing letter from him concerning his treatment while under your care. It seems that he feels that he is not getting enough PT. As a former Marine and current Naval officer, I was dismayed to read this. I am not sure what has changed since I was at Parris Island, but last I heard, 3rd battalion was supposed to the roughest and toughest on the island. Also, and I am sure I must be reading his letter wrong, but I do not agree with his assessment that you guys are ‘A Bunch of Wussies’!!!

Now, if things have changed since my 5 years in the Corps, please disregard this letter. If not, then please ensure that my brother is getting the proper PT he desires. I want to ensure that he gets the type of foundation that he needs to succeed as a Marine, even if he is going reserves. Thank you for your attention and I look forward to shaking your hands at graduation day.

Very Respectfully,

S. M. XXXXXXX, LTJG
U.S. Navy

P.S. Please let Recruit XXXXXX know that his leotards are safe and sound in storage. Be sure to ask him about the Nutcracker.


Well I came home to the phone ringing the other day with my mother on the other side! She was especially flustered because she had just gotten off the phone with a very scared little brother and a very pissed off DI!! Apparently the DI wanted to talk to me!!!

I tried calling him the next day with no luck! Today I receive an email from my mother begging me to not send him anything else because my brother was told that he was going to get recycled into another platoon for the shenanigans!! Curious and a little infuriated myself, I called the DI and got ahold of him!!!

Apparently the DI only got through the first two lines before, in typical Marine fashion, he exploded and made my brother do about 140,987,398 pushups! Later, after my father's equally malicious package showed up, the DIs figured we were messing with him!! My dad modified one of those musical cards that turn on when you open them!! It was one with Homer Simpson complaining about respect!!!

After my dad modified it, it could only turn off after the whole assembly was destroyed! It showed up the day after my letter!! Awesome…They reread the letter, laughed, and made my bro do another 536,028,875 pushups!!!

This time they let him keep his squad leader position! Now that it is all well and good, may the shenanigans continue!! Another package will arrive in about two weeks... Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!!

'Stranded'

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good-looking Crackerjack Sailor were shipwrecked on an island!

One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled…

 "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?"

… the husband said when the sailor climbed down.

"We weren't making love."

"Sorry!"

… Said the Crackerjack…

"From up there it looked like you were!"

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing! Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself!!  With great difficulty, he made his way to the top!!!

The husband says to himself…

"By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

 

'Captain's Gig'

A Navy ship is anchored out on a calm bay in a faraway Liberty Port with the boat boom out, Liberty Launch and Captains Gig riding easy!

As dawn breaks a deck seaman is standing watch over the Captains Gig as he boards it to wipe down the morning dew!

Horrified… he has found that someone defecated in the Captain’s Gig and reports this to the Officer-On-Deck!

The news works its way up to the Captain who, understandably is upset, ordering all hands on deck!

The Captain wants to find out who did this dastardly deed!

The Chief Boatswain Mate looks over the side into the boat and tells the Captain…

“It wasn’t anyone in deck department Sir!”

… To which the Captain reply’s…

“So explain to me Boats… How do you know that?”

The Chief Boatswain points to the turd on deck and says…

“It’s coiled to the left… my Seaman are trained to always coil to the right… Sir!”

 

'What A Wife Tells A Drunken Sailor'

A sailor had twelve bottles of rum in his cellar, and was told by his wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else! So he said he would and proceeded with the unpleasant task!!!

He withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the rum down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which he drank! He pulled the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which he drank!!!

He then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the rum down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which he drank! He then pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which he drank!! He pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass!!!

By this time the old salt was feeling good about himself as he pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle! Then He corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour!! When he had every one of them emptied, he steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by he counted them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle… which he drank!!!

Hiccup!!!!!

His wife looked at him and said…

“Look at You… Your Drunk!”

He then looked at his wife and declared…

“I am not under though alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was!”

… she looked at him raising her eyebrows…

“And furthermore… Hiccup… I am not as thunk as you might drink… er… drunk! I felt so feelish, and I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get!!!”

 

'Humpty'

Some shrew of a woman will certainly read this and go berserk because of ‘misogyny’ and sexism and such blah, blah, blah! But I’m hardened to their insults and hatred!! So here goes…

Back in the Squidoo Club we had all sorts, from loud and clueless to reserved and comfortable! At some point in a Crackerjacks young life, something like nineteen years old, or twelve, or barely a tadpole… he learned to hit the street!! We were like a bunch of ‘Animal House’ frat boys in faraway places!!!

We didn’t know morals from tiddlywinks! Well, we did, just didn’t exercise them the way we should!! You see, since Biblical times, Crackerjacks have been notoriously synonymous with hookers and scoundrels!!!

It may be that a certain amount of alcohol, even a significant amount, was consumed in contravention of ‘Good Order & Discipline!’ I may know a little about this, though I can’t swear upon it!! Most of the time I couldn’t remember!!!

“If you can't stop drinking by 0500 hours to get a shower and be at muster by 0700 hours, you shouldn't have gone out to the bar in the first place!"

… said the Chief!!!

But I must say, I learned a lot about human nature during my time in the ol’ Canoe Club! Speaking as a reformed man whore out on the prowl for lady whores… and I’m not talking about Heidi Fleiss Madam Hollywood or Long Island Lolita Amy Fischer types… No, No, No!!!

You see… us Canoe Club Crackerjacks would 'do' anyone born with a vagina and a pulse! Maybe not in reality but in theory, due to propagation of the species... she could have two heads, hairy armpits and veiny eyeballs with yellow teeth and if we had our beer goggles on, I'm pretty sure we’d be squeez’n the mayonnaise into the vertical bacon sandwich if you know what I mean!!!

Now as a West Coast Sailor, I met some very colorful people in my day! Some would go out on what they called a ‘hogging expedition’ looking for the ugliest of lassies!! They’d bring a camera for posterity’s sake!! She could have STDs like grubs in a rotting tree… it didn’t matter until the drip set in!! That’s just how it was!!!

Make no judgments about us Crackerjacks! After a long underway being your own best friend with the ol’ four knuckle shuffle many lonely nights on end… snuggling up to our favorite bargirl, hostess, or escort was essential to the sanity!! As far as I’m concerned, those who took a holier-than-thou attitude were nothing but hypocrite actors and assholes!! Besides, what happened on Westpac Stayed on Westpac… that was the code we lived by!!!

As a seaman, what other options do you have? You’re in a strange port far from home! You’re with other hardworking, hard-playing shipmates, and you’ve got cash burning your pocket!! So you go to a bar, drink more than you should, smile at the wimmins, maybe dance with a few… you’re in the gauddamned Redlight District, so for pre-arranged compensation, you took her to one of them pay by the hour hotel rooms!!!  

 We'd like to believe that everybody that serves their country is an upstanding choir boy, but choir boys just don’t make the best of Sailors, Soldiers, and Marines! And for some it was the first pink taco they’d had a chance at since the day they were born!! Sitting in sordid bars on Liberty in Guam, Olongapo, Pattaya, Pusan, or even Phuket hoot’n & holler’n while telling lies to the new ‘Cherry Boy’ was the best way to get him laid!!!

“Hiccup… I’m not eeeezy babba… but stick around nnn we cun dizcuss it… Hiccup!”

Listening to scarred men of unwholesome purpose who met bargirls in Olongapo or Pattaya Beach or Bangkok or where ever you could get venereal diseases unheard of since the dark ages… this is how we rolled in those days! Like the song goes!! We were Pirates Two Hundred Years too late!!!

We’d been with women we’d rather forget! Sometimes we found out they weren’t even really women… trust me on this!! Sometimes she was just so big her ass looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking spot!!!

"Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can, and whiskey to accept the things I can't!"

But I saw a picture just the other day… a picture someone had sent me from long ago, from Naples, Italy! There walked a legend… a woman that has been known around the fleet for decades!! She was dirty, dandy, and looked like the toothless hooker you see on Jerry Springer!!!

From Walking Street in Pattaya, Thailand to Pat Pong in Bangkok or Four Floors of Whores in Singapore to the Honch in Yokosuka or even the dirty streets of Magsaysay in Olongapo… I had never seen anything as ugly as…

‘Are you Ready for This?!?’

‘Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall’
‘Humpty Dumpty had a great fall’
‘All the king’s horses and all the king’s men’
‘Couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again’

Yes... her signature nickname was Humpty-Dumpty! She supposedly hung out on a wall near the Naval Base back in the day showing off her private tidbits! Judging from the pictures, a Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than she did!! Having said that, I never had a hummer from a near toothless woman, are they as good as some claim!?!

I mean, I’ve seen some hookers with some pretty bad teeth! I once saw a bargirl in Olongapo whose teeth stuck out so far it looked like she was playing piano with her nose!! But this gal… hell I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box!! And what if she left her dentures in the motel room… so they call the ship while you’re on duty asking you to come retrieve them!!!

You know that ol’ saying about waking up in the morning and gnawing your arm off to get out of last night’s predicament… well, you knew you hit rock bottom when you woke up screaming next to this gal… and then realized you hadn't even fallen asleep yet! In a low gaspy voice that sounds like and asthmatic who smokes too much on Quaaludes…

“Whip out dat little mutton dagger tho I can make da little pig squeal!”

… And the Big ol’ ugly hooker gives you the gum job of your life with her toothless jowls!!!

Seeing something like that nekkit would make me twig-n-berries shrivel like a moth in a bug-zapper! I’ll bet she smells like boiled hot dog water and two day old dumpster tuna!! Imagine a skunk ass raping an old rotten tuna, yeah… that bad!!!

Shipmates always trying to get their other shipmates to do her… like Captain Kirk and his crew trying to get Spock to show emotions… or some sort!!!

It was said that Humpty had supported two children through college working up on that wall! Lord only knows how!! My Uncle asked me recently about Humpty from back in his days in the Canoe Club during the 1970s!!  I heard a few stories and a strong notion the nickname was handed from generation to generation since at least the 1950s!!!

My Uncle recollected how her photo was even hocked at the Navy Exchange as a popular souvenir! You could even barter for T-shirts with her moniker…  ‘Humpty Dumpty Sat On a Wall’!!!

I suppose at one time ol’ Humpty Dumpty was hit by a truck and killed … and ‘All the King’s Horses and all the King’s Men couldn’t put Humpty back together again!!!

I couldn’t imagine lying down with a hag like that! By comparison, wrestling with a baboon’s ass seems positively reasonable… If that doesn't make you want to join another species, I don't know what will! Drink, Fight & Fuck just about anything within a stone throw would have been the ‘Sailor’s Creed’ years ago if we had one…

But where there be men there always be prostitutes! The only reason women don't partake… there’s too many swing’n dicks that’ll do it for free!!!

So, Cheers to those Sailors chiefly remembered for their futility… oh, and diddling fat chics… don’t forget about the fat chics!! Now drink to the foam you sons-a-bitches … just like the gauddamned song says!!!