'Humpty'

Some shrew of a woman will certainly read this and go berserk because of ‘misogyny’ and sexism and such blah, blah, blah! But I’m hardened to their insults and hatred!! So here goes…

Back in the Squidoo Club we had all sorts, from loud and clueless to reserved and comfortable! At some point in a Crackerjacks young life, something like nineteen years old, or twelve, or barely a tadpole… he learned to hit the street!! We were like a bunch of ‘Animal House’ frat boys in faraway places!!!

We didn’t know morals from tiddlywinks! Well, we did, just didn’t exercise them the way we should!! You see, since Biblical times, Crackerjacks have been notoriously synonymous with hookers and scoundrels!!!

It may be that a certain amount of alcohol, even a significant amount, was consumed in contravention of ‘Good Order & Discipline!’ I may know a little about this, though I can’t swear upon it!! Most of the time I couldn’t remember!!!

“If you can't stop drinking by 0500 hours to get a shower and be at muster by 0700 hours, you shouldn't have gone out to the bar in the first place!"

… said the Chief!!!

But I must say, I learned a lot about human nature during my time in the ol’ Canoe Club! Speaking as a reformed man whore out on the prowl for lady whores… and I’m not talking about Heidi Fleiss Madam Hollywood or Long Island Lolita Amy Fischer types… No, No, No!!!

You see… us Canoe Club Crackerjacks would 'do' anyone born with a vagina and a pulse! Maybe not in reality but in theory, due to propagation of the species... she could have two heads, hairy armpits and veiny eyeballs with yellow teeth and if we had our beer goggles on, I'm pretty sure we’d be squeez’n the mayonnaise into the vertical bacon sandwich if you know what I mean!!!

Now as a West Coast Sailor, I met some very colorful people in my day! Some would go out on what they called a ‘hogging expedition’ looking for the ugliest of lassies!! They’d bring a camera for posterity’s sake!! She could have STDs like grubs in a rotting tree… it didn’t matter until the drip set in!! That’s just how it was!!!

Make no judgments about us Crackerjacks! After a long underway being your own best friend with the ol’ four knuckle shuffle many lonely nights on end… snuggling up to our favorite bargirl, hostess, or escort was essential to the sanity!! As far as I’m concerned, those who took a holier-than-thou attitude were nothing but hypocrite actors and assholes!! Besides, what happened on Westpac Stayed on Westpac… that was the code we lived by!!!

As a seaman, what other options do you have? You’re in a strange port far from home! You’re with other hardworking, hard-playing shipmates, and you’ve got cash burning your pocket!! So you go to a bar, drink more than you should, smile at the wimmins, maybe dance with a few… you’re in the gauddamned Redlight District, so for pre-arranged compensation, you took her to one of them pay by the hour hotel rooms!!!  

 We'd like to believe that everybody that serves their country is an upstanding choir boy, but choir boys just don’t make the best of Sailors, Soldiers, and Marines! And for some it was the first pink taco they’d had a chance at since the day they were born!! Sitting in sordid bars on Liberty in Guam, Olongapo, Pattaya, Pusan, or even Phuket hoot’n & holler’n while telling lies to the new ‘Cherry Boy’ was the best way to get him laid!!!

“Hiccup… I’m not eeeezy babba… but stick around nnn we cun dizcuss it… Hiccup!”

Listening to scarred men of unwholesome purpose who met bargirls in Olongapo or Pattaya Beach or Bangkok or where ever you could get venereal diseases unheard of since the dark ages… this is how we rolled in those days! Like the song goes!! We were Pirates Two Hundred Years too late!!!

We’d been with women we’d rather forget! Sometimes we found out they weren’t even really women… trust me on this!! Sometimes she was just so big her ass looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking spot!!!

"Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can, and whiskey to accept the things I can't!"

But I saw a picture just the other day… a picture someone had sent me from long ago, from Naples, Italy! There walked a legend… a woman that has been known around the fleet for decades!! She was dirty, dandy, and looked like the toothless hooker you see on Jerry Springer!!!

From Walking Street in Pattaya, Thailand to Pat Pong in Bangkok or Four Floors of Whores in Singapore to the Honch in Yokosuka or even the dirty streets of Magsaysay in Olongapo… I had never seen anything as ugly as…

‘Are you Ready for This?!?’

‘Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall’
‘Humpty Dumpty had a great fall’
‘All the king’s horses and all the king’s men’
‘Couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again’

Yes... her signature nickname was Humpty-Dumpty! She supposedly hung out on a wall near the Naval Base back in the day showing off her private tidbits! Judging from the pictures, a Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than she did!! Having said that, I never had a hummer from a near toothless woman, are they as good as some claim!?!

I mean, I’ve seen some hookers with some pretty bad teeth! I once saw a bargirl in Olongapo whose teeth stuck out so far it looked like she was playing piano with her nose!! But this gal… hell I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box!! And what if she left her dentures in the motel room… so they call the ship while you’re on duty asking you to come retrieve them!!!

You know that ol’ saying about waking up in the morning and gnawing your arm off to get out of last night’s predicament… well, you knew you hit rock bottom when you woke up screaming next to this gal… and then realized you hadn't even fallen asleep yet! In a low gaspy voice that sounds like and asthmatic who smokes too much on Quaaludes…

“Whip out dat little mutton dagger tho I can make da little pig squeal!”

… And the Big ol’ ugly hooker gives you the gum job of your life with her toothless jowls!!!

Seeing something like that nekkit would make me twig-n-berries shrivel like a moth in a bug-zapper! I’ll bet she smells like boiled hot dog water and two day old dumpster tuna!! Imagine a skunk ass raping an old rotten tuna, yeah… that bad!!!

Shipmates always trying to get their other shipmates to do her… like Captain Kirk and his crew trying to get Spock to show emotions… or some sort!!!

It was said that Humpty had supported two children through college working up on that wall! Lord only knows how!! My Uncle asked me recently about Humpty from back in his days in the Canoe Club during the 1970s!!  I heard a few stories and a strong notion the nickname was handed from generation to generation since at least the 1950s!!!

My Uncle recollected how her photo was even hocked at the Navy Exchange as a popular souvenir! You could even barter for T-shirts with her moniker…  ‘Humpty Dumpty Sat On a Wall’!!!

I suppose at one time ol’ Humpty Dumpty was hit by a truck and killed … and ‘All the King’s Horses and all the King’s Men couldn’t put Humpty back together again!!!

I couldn’t imagine lying down with a hag like that! By comparison, wrestling with a baboon’s ass seems positively reasonable… If that doesn't make you want to join another species, I don't know what will! Drink, Fight & Fuck just about anything within a stone throw would have been the ‘Sailor’s Creed’ years ago if we had one…

But where there be men there always be prostitutes! The only reason women don't partake… there’s too many swing’n dicks that’ll do it for free!!!

So, Cheers to those Sailors chiefly remembered for their futility… oh, and diddling fat chics… don’t forget about the fat chics!! Now drink to the foam you sons-a-bitches … just like the gauddamned song says!!!