The making
of a ‘No Shitter’ doesn’t involve outright lying, but there is a bit of
bullshit in the mix! Being skilled at
threading these yarns requires years of apprenticeship under a master seagoing
bullshit artist!! I say this because ‘Bullshit’ is the clay from which Sea
Stories are formed!!!
The telling
of these no shitters requires a refined and cultivated skill set created in
places like hole in the wall shit hole bars, taverns, fantails and pier sides
where Crackerjacks like to hangout and loiter! And anywhere else really weird
folks might call home!! It’s the reason telling sea stories is so much fun…
great fun!!!
Telling
socially unacceptable accounts of past deeds and lavish escapades of our better
days requires an acceptable introduction like ‘This ain’t no shit’ or ‘You
ain’t gonna believe this shit’…! And even after all these years, I sometimes
have to slip one by on an innocent young’n!! Like this here story I’m about to
pass on to you!!!
My wife and
I usually spend our Sunday evenings playing darts with some friends and an old
shipmate or two at the local watering hole after a fun filled time of Classic
Rock Tribute Bands at the Casino! On this one particular occasion, my wife and
I were with our typical crowd as we sat next to an unsuspecting group of
Squidly Widdlies! We were reminiscing about a concert we had partaken in a few
years back and while singing the famous ‘Top Gun’ song ‘Take My Breath Away,’
Terri Nunn of Berlin came off the stage and started running her fingers through
my wife’s curly hair!!!
Now I know
that seems hard to believe, but that ain’t no shit! Anyhow, a few darts and a
shot of Fireball later… my wife heads out the door with her girlfriends to the
communal butt kit outside for their collective smoke!! I get up to head out
with her when that jingle by ‘Meatloaf’ comes over the Jukebox…’I Would Do
Anything For Love!!!’
As I’m
getting ready to walk out the door I ambled by a couple of those Squidly Widly
Crackerjacks and explained my outlook on this ditty…
“Now this
ain’t no shit! You know… many years ago
in our better years my wife and I used to get a little dirty in the sack and
experiment in different ways! One night we were on the bed… butt nekkit…
rubbing each other down with the Baby Oil! So my wife… she bends down and pulls
out a Dildo from under the pillow! By God I swear to it… it had ‘Fun Factory Dildo
Company’ stamped right on the bottom!”
… ol’ boy asks…
“Who the hell ever heard of a Fun Factory Dildo
Company?”
… to which I
explained…
“You’re missing the point… now listen up here! She
pulled out this Dildo and said…
“Honey, I want to stick this in your butt!”
… and that’s
when this song comes to me as I started singing...!”
♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪“I would Do Anything For
Love ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪
♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪But I won’t Do That!” ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪
And that’s
when the whole damned place broke out in laughter! So I headed out the door to
join my wife!! Just as I’m opening the door and walking out, ol’ boy taps on my
shoulder and asks…
“So Chief, did she give it to you with the Dildo?”
… to which I
retorted to the tune of the song…
“… ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ But I Won’t Do That! ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪”
All those
boys were laughing their asses off! So when the ol’ Lady and I came back in the
bar, the fella asked my wife…
“Is it true what the Chief said?”
… To which
she exclaimed …
“Oh yeah, if my husband said it, it’s true!”
She was
completely oblivious to the conversation at hand and assumed he was talking
about the Berlin Concert! But when she found out… she got a little slap happy
and punch crazy!! I ended up with a few bruises and got real comfy like on the sofa-couch
that night!!!
Yep, making
memories… God gave us that gift to keep us going and it’s something you never
have to pay for! Us old Salts know how to tell a good No Shitter every now and
again!! Hey, if we don’t tell it like it is… who’s gonna come up with all that
insane garbage anyway?!?
