‘Another Sea Story’

The making of a ‘No Shitter’ doesn’t involve outright lying, but there is a bit of bullshit in the mix!  Being skilled at threading these yarns requires years of apprenticeship under a master seagoing bullshit artist!! I say this because ‘Bullshit’ is the clay from which Sea Stories are formed!!!

The telling of these no shitters requires a refined and cultivated skill set created in places like hole in the wall shit hole bars, taverns, fantails and pier sides where Crackerjacks like to hangout and loiter! And anywhere else really weird folks might call home!! It’s the reason telling sea stories is so much fun… great fun!!!

Telling socially unacceptable accounts of past deeds and lavish escapades of our better days requires an acceptable introduction like ‘This ain’t no shit’ or ‘You ain’t gonna believe this shit’…! And even after all these years, I sometimes have to slip one by on an innocent young’n!! Like this here story I’m about to pass on to you!!!

My wife and I usually spend our Sunday evenings playing darts with some friends and an old shipmate or two at the local watering hole after a fun filled time of Classic Rock Tribute Bands at the Casino! On this one particular occasion, my wife and I were with our typical crowd as we sat next to an unsuspecting group of Squidly Widdlies! We were reminiscing about a concert we had partaken in a few years back and while singing the famous ‘Top Gun’ song ‘Take My Breath Away,’ Terri Nunn of Berlin came off the stage and started running her fingers through my wife’s curly hair!!!

Now I know that seems hard to believe, but that ain’t no shit! Anyhow, a few darts and a shot of Fireball later… my wife heads out the door with her girlfriends to the communal butt kit outside for their collective smoke!! I get up to head out with her when that jingle by ‘Meatloaf’ comes over the Jukebox…’I Would Do Anything For Love!!!’

As I’m getting ready to walk out the door I ambled by a couple of those Squidly Widly Crackerjacks and explained my outlook on this ditty…

“Now this ain’t no shit! You know… many years ago in our better years my wife and I used to get a little dirty in the sack and experiment in different ways! One night we were on the bed… butt nekkit… rubbing each other down with the Baby Oil! So my wife… she bends down and pulls out a Dildo from under the pillow! By God I swear to it… it had ‘Fun Factory Dildo Company’ stamped right on the bottom!”

… ol’ boy asks…

“Who the hell ever heard of a Fun Factory Dildo Company?”

… to which I explained…

“You’re missing the point… now listen up here! She pulled out this Dildo and said…

“Honey, I want to stick this in your butt!”

… and that’s when this song comes to me as I started singing...!”

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪“I would Do Anything For Love ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪But I won’t Do That!” ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪

And that’s when the whole damned place broke out in laughter! So I headed out the door to join my wife!! Just as I’m opening the door and walking out, ol’ boy taps on my shoulder and asks…

“So Chief, did she give it to you with the Dildo?”

… to which I retorted to the tune of the song…

“… ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ But I Won’t Do That! ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪”

All those boys were laughing their asses off! So when the ol’ Lady and I came back in the bar, the fella asked my wife…

“Is it true what the Chief said?”

… To which she exclaimed …

“Oh yeah, if my husband said it, it’s true!” 

She was completely oblivious to the conversation at hand and assumed he was talking about the Berlin Concert! But when she found out… she got a little slap happy and punch crazy!! I ended up with a few bruises and got real comfy like on the sofa-couch that night!!!

Yep, making memories… God gave us that gift to keep us going and it’s something you never have to pay for! Us old Salts know how to tell a good No Shitter every now and again!! Hey, if we don’t tell it like it is… who’s gonna come up with all that insane garbage anyway?!?