‘Dental Debauchery’

So another old shipmate sent me a funny story and asked me to spruce it up for him a bit… and give it some prose! This one is from Dana Goodrich, a former shipmate from the brown shoe Navy back in the day!! I hope you all enjoy!!!

There was an aviation maintenance meeting at every shift change! During those meetings each shop supervisor was given maintenance requirements to be divvied out in each shop!! Medical and Dental lists were also addressed as well as …

“You are the reason the Skipper Hates Us!”

… And anything else in the Plan Of the Day!!!

So anyway, we had several shipmates who never managed themselves off the list if you know what I mean! As times went and there was a second go around, they read out who still hadn’t made it to dental and this one supervisor we had was a Second Class ‘Old School Navy’ hard working kind of guy!! He was an ADR2 ... and we’ll just call him Bo for short!!!

His name came up on the hit list for the third or fourth time!  Now we got the Leading Petty Officer, the Leading Chief Petty Officer and damn near the whole maintenance department from the Command Master Chief, the Maintenance Officer, Department Head, etc… etc… on down the line!! They were all standing in Maintenance Control Spaces as the CMC was pitching a fit!! Finely they read the list and of course that old codger ‘Bo’s’ name came up!!!

“If brains were gold ADR2, you wouldn't have enough to fill a tooth!”

Now, he was told he would go immediately to dental after that very meeting! Don’t pass Go and don’t collect Two-Hundred Dollars kind of thing!!  So Bo calmly asks for a MAF bag!! A MAF bag, if you don’t know, was a standard issue flight bag back in the day!!!

Someone handed one to him and he took out his pearly white false teeth, put them in the bag, handed them to the Master Chief, then told him…

“I’d really like to have my teeth back before dinner time!”

We all just stood around smiling like Cheshire Cats!!!

And that’s how the story goes! That there is a no shitter I tell you!! I was there imbedded to coin the phrase… an expert Eye-Witness!!! 

‘Cathouse Crackerjack’

A young sailor goes to the cathouse for the first time. The Madam asks him what he would like. He was nervous and said that he wasn't sure, so he asked what was available. The Madam told him that she had just the girl for him.

The girl led him to the room and they both undressed. She told him that he would just love 69. They started to go at it when the girl rips a fart right in his face. She apologized and blamed it on the Mexican food she just had. They go back at it and she lets go with the nastiest fart ever. Again she apologized and said that this had never happened to her before. The guy got up and started putting his clothes back on while gagging and told her…

“I don't think that I can take 67 more of those!”

'Iron Men & Wooden Ships or Wood Men & Iron Ships'

A young Recruit just joined the Navy and on his first day of Bootcamp his RDC yells at him…

"In the past the ships were made of wood and the men of steel! Now it's the other way around! What do you have to say about that!?!"

"Good thing when the modern ship sinks: wood will float much easier!"

Gauddamned kids are too smart for their own damn good these days!!!

‘You Might Be a Salty Crackerjack Sailor If’

1. You know instantly that "work smarter, not harder" means billet cuts

2. People ask you what you're doing beyond the two-hundred mile radius

3. You get married to move off the ship

4. You precede every public speech with, "I was going to tell a sea story, but seeing

the lack of warfare pins out there, you all just wouldn't understand"

5. An Alaskan cruise is not an option for your honeymoon.

6. You are still trying to figure out what TQM was all about.

7. You've ever laughed when watching the “Global Force For Good” commercial at 3:00 am, and wondered what happened to “It’s more than a job, It’s an Adventure”

8. You've successfully avoided at least one inspection, Change of Command, or urinalysis

9. After bootcamp, you've never fired a gun

10. You hear a SH-60 and DON'T look up

11. Your port calls have more bars in them than people

12. You consider the lack of doors on your aircraft natural air conditioning

13. While underway, a life raft comes loose, hits you on the head and you're counseled for "loss of situational awareness"

14. Members of other branches of the service visit your work space and they shout, "Wow, I haven't seen one of these in 20 years!"

15. Your idea of aromatherapy is Simple Green and JP5.

16. ...Any time you set out on a trip you expect to hear "make preparations for getting underway".

17. When you come home with groceries you shout, "All hands lay to the garage/driveway/curb for stores".

18. You catch yourself speaking to your children in the same tone of voice you use with your non-rated seamen ... or is it the other way around?

19. You are not sure if there really is life out there, i.e. in the real world.

20. It seems every time you watch a movie it says on the bottom of the screen "Property of the US Navy"

21. You’ve had an alcohol incident and advanced in the same week

22. You might be a Salty ol’ Crackerjack if everyone on the ship asked you what you do in the radio room and they got mad because you said, "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you!"

23. If getting to sleep after mid-watch was ever difficult due to the ever-present sun up above throwing your system off.

24. If your ship is handed a list of “businesses districts” your crew is not welcome at during their port call...

25. You've left a port with more than one sign from the naval base...

26. You've woken up in the "red light district" in several Port-O-Calls

27. If your 40-year-old boat is getting underway on Monday for a 6-week patrol and your still making plans for the weekend because you know the boat will break down within 2-3 days.

28. You tell your children that Fridays are 'field days'

29. When your ship sends an emergency CASREP for the broken coffee maker.

30. When the Marines get upset when they see you get to use real bullets in your weapon.

31. If your child refers to the ship or station as "where Daddy lives"

32. You claim to have a woman in every port, yet you are on shore duty.

33. You run from the kitchen, trip over the dog, fall and hit your head on the coffee table just to see a 15 second blip on TV when you hear the words "The Navy, A Global Force For Good"

34. You PANIC when you have to wear nice civilian clothes out because you can't color coordinate because you know no other than white and blue.

35. Your wife looks at you strange and spouts out, "You're not my Chief, and I sure as hell ain't one of your damn Seaman!"

36. If you abbreviate words so much that you forget how to spell them out.

“Paoli on Sailors Behaving Badly”

Before all the 'PC' hit the Navy, the boys of the Ol’ Canoe Club new how to really have a good time and a well-oiled sense of humor! I suppose it’s just a sign of the times that you’d find cartoons like these in the ‘All Hands’ Magazine way back when!! Thanks to a shipmate by the name of Carl Breth, several rare Paoli cartoons have surfaced!! I hope you enjoy them as much as I have!!! 

‘Reverse Psychology’

Two married Navy Chiefs were sitting at the bar drinking one night after work when one turns to the other and says…

“You know, I don’t know what else to do! Whenever I go home after we’ve been out, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage! I take my shoes off before I go into the house and sneak up the stairs. Then I sneak into the bathroom to get undress so I can snake my way into bed, but my wife always wakes up and yells at me for staying out too late!”

His fellow Chief looks at him and says…

“Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach!  I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet, strip off me cloths and jump right into bed as I rub my wife’s ass and say … How about a little?!?”

“HuH?!?”

“She just pretends that she’s still asleep… works every time!”